Tooth Stuff [part 1]

How miserable and gross is the night that is trapped inside of this tube? Nightmarishly so . . . nightmarishly so.

I am an absolute sucker for packaging and marketing and shiny things – let me make that point clear.

One day I ran out of toothpaste – which is a bad bargaining position to be in – it is like being hungry and going grocery shopping – bad decisions are likely to be made. On this particular day – my bad decision was based around this “pro-health” toothpaste that had the mystery of being a night time product (I could especially tell that it was for the night because of the dark blue packaging). What would happen if I used it in the day?! I was totally intrigued.

When I got it home and took it out of the box (Why does toothpaste come in boxes? Oh – wait – it is so that someone doesn’t unscrew the cap and sample it in the store . . . Oh – oh – wait – again – what if there were sample things of toothpaste in the store – how many problems would that solve in the world??) – and popped the top – I was nothing but excited expectation – I mean – it was a new toothpaste – it was one factor that would determine (in part) how my next month and a half would go. It looked like toothpaste (except maybe a little looser) and had a nice minty freshness to it.

The problem started after I was done brushing . . . the taste killed my mouth and made it taste terrible – not fresh – but dank. My mouth became a basement. Maybe this was why I was only supposed to use it at night – so that I would sleep though how awful my mouth had become – blegh – blegh – blegh. I put the tube away after a couple of uses – never to be seen again.

Until it resurfaced here at the temporary headquarters – where it joined the daily rotation of three toothpastes near the sink (which – in itself is odd). Everyone has agreed that the outcome is less than desirable . . . and now – this two headed beast has show another side of it’s evil. If you leave the tube on the sink with the cap unclicked – it will start to ooze out. It is like it has an evil mind of it’s own – and it just wants to hunt out as many mouths to foul as it can.

It is never a good thing when after brushing your teeth – you have to brush again with a different toothpaste and then rinse with mouthwash in order to dull the stank from the first brushing. I wish that I could just throw the unfinished tube away – and move on . . . but something in my brain simply won’t let me do that.

Maybe all of this is my fault. Maybe I am supposed to go out and buy some “Day” toothpaste to finish the chemical cleaning concoction and then everything will be better. Or – maybe I should just get wooden teeth?