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Today I was feeling a little bit ‘snacky’ and so I decided to go with what looked to be a healthy purchase. The Zachee “Almond & Blueberry Raw Fruit & Nut Bar” ended up being my two dollar choice. The package had a nice inviting blue color with green text and a leafy looking transparent cut-out that told me all kinds of lies about what I was about to eat.

The first and worst lie of the bunch (yes – there were probably a bunch of lies – but we are focusing on this main one) was that the product that I had just purchased would – indeed – be edible. It was not. Unless you count things like sticky cardboard, rotten egg shells or liquefied garbage rinds as being edible – which – I guess – they kind of are . . . because realistically – you can eat them . . . but – ew – right?!

Inside of the package was a brown extrusion with almond bits sticking around here and there. There was no smell to note. There was a definite tingle of magic potential hanging in the air.

When I took a bite – I immediately had to put my hand to my mouth in order to keep my tongue from forcibly ejecting my expensive little morsel of yuck. I had many more unbearable bites to go . . . it was like some sort of twisted penance that I was making myself go through to make up for some bad thing that I had done in the world – or something.

I suppose that my big last word on my experience with the Zachee bar is to run out to the store and buy up all that you see – and then throw them into a dumpster before anyone else has the unfortunate enough luck to unknowingly unleash the “ugh” that is inside.

So – lately – I have noticed something annoying. I seem to like to sleep on my side – I am one of those side sleepers. But everytime that I try to go to sleep on my side – my head is all like “hooray!” and my knees are all more like “boooooooo.” So then I end up going to sleep on my back.

It is totally the most annoying thing in the whole “trying to go to sleep” world – and yes – I know that I said that before – But I wanted to let you know how serious I am – because – seriously – all I want to do is go to sleep and get good sleep . . . on my side.

On my side – so that I have a good line of site at the closet and the door – in case the scaries try to burst into the room – or whatever . . .

So – I guess I am curious should I just chop my knees off – and then settle into a nice nap – or will my ghost knees just come back to keep wrecking my slumber?!

Two days ago, for lunch, I ate a bag of garlic & parmesan potato chips and some cotton candy. It was delectable.

Salty and sweet – together at last!

A Review of Ressie Mae’s Soul Food:

I read on this site that I should go and try out a little soul food spot right around the corner from where I work. It should be known that since leaving the comfort food haven of the South – I am always anxiously looking for any way to fill the empty hole in my stomach – my arteries – that this type of food usually allows for. So I jumped at the opportunity. Literally – I hop, skipped and jumped the entire way around the corner, straight through the front door and to the counter to get a heaping helping of food that would make my night. That would make-my-night-worth-eating.

I ended up ordering the candied yams or maybe they were sweet potatoes (they were orange), the macaroni and cheese and the green beans with bits of ham. On my way out, I was so impressed by how much the food weighed – that I got bleary eyed with excitement and was cajoled into buying a cup of $2.00 sweet tea. I must repeat that I am a sucker for soul food.

Before I tell you about the food – I want to point out that the reason I didn’t get the fried chicken was because there is a lot of typing to do at the job – and I didn’t want to gum the computer’s works up . . . I can now definitively look back at that decision as possibly being the point where everything went absolutely wrong.

The mac-n-cheese was a tasteless greasy plop of tightly bound pasta with a layer of orange wax resting on top. One of the sure fire ways to make crummy mac-n-cheese is to try to pack too much pasta in. No flavor can move around – no cheese can penetrate – nothing good can happen. A couple of other ways are evidently to forget to use anything approaching any kind of seasoning and the use of army grade cheese stuff. Sometimes, if just one of the cardinal mac-n-cheese mistakes are made – goodness overcomes, and the outcome is, at least, edible . . . unfortunately, for this meal, that just wasn’t the case.

After that mac-n-cheese rant, all that I will say about the yams (we’ll call them for now) and green beans is that they weren’t so good. The yams were the most edible part of the meal – so they get a pass. The beans, on the other hand . . . I’m not sure how to even go on except to simply ask this question. How can anything be cooked with chunks of ham and still come out so lifeless and tasteless?! I once cooked up a pair of socks with a bit of ham hock – and I don’t mind telling you one bit . . . they were delectable.

So the meal was the meal . . . and I ate what I could. But the real burr in my side came from the evil (and I don’t use that word lightly) concoction that they called sweet tea. Here is a quick sweet tea recipe – boil some water, add some tea bags, add some sugar and then (after letting it cool down) enjoy the best tooth rotting (and I say that in the best way) drink you will ever have. So easy. So simple. So not what they did. It tasted like some sort of mix – maybe from a syrup – maybe from a powder – but all from hell. I had two sips and threw it away. Later I had to console my trashcan when I found it retching in a bathroom stall – I will never forget the sad look on that trashcans face. It (and that tea) haunts me to this day.

I ate at Ressie Mae’s. I gave it a shot. I have decided that maybe they should get a nifty new slogan – something like “Come to Ressie Mae’s where we’ll take your money, give you crummy food stuff and hurt your soul – just a smidge!” or something similar to that. I take it back. That slogan is obviously really long and not entirely fair . . . maybe just “Ressie Mae’s. We’ll hurt your soul!”

They certainly hurt mine.

Maybe next time – I’ll try the chicken.

I am not really sure which cart (on the wild streets of Manhattan) I got this “Chicken & Rice with Red Sauce/White Sauce & a Salad” (I think that is it’s proper name) from – but as you can tell from the picture . . . it was nowhere near up to snuff.

I really missed this kind of food while in the deep South – and by ‘this kind of food’ I clearly mean food that is made in more than likely super-clean – do I really want to even think about where (or what) that meat came from – that I am about to eat out of that cute little tin type of food container type of food. Jeez-o-pete . . . this was supposed to be my big welcome back to the kitchen on wheels “Please – my friend – pull up a seat at our table . . . the sidewalk!” – I even walked all the way to Bryant Park so that the setting would be perfect [which is why I can’t figure out where the food came from] . . . and then . . . not not so so good.

I was only able to eat the rice and salad parts – and was only able to choke that down because I was hungry enough to eat with a bear (have you ever tried?!) . . .

Not to worry though . . . there are (at least) hundreds of carts out there for me to try (and I am just talking about in my direct path on the way to Times Square) . . . and my stomach is nothing – if not made of stern stuff . . . so I will carry on – until my cart food itch has been scritch – scritch – scratched.

Or until I end up at some classy hospital hooked up to a stomach pump . . .

Hooray!