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I faced down the sourest drink in the land and came out plum puckered.

Maybe you read my review of the Taco Bell Cherry Limeade Sparkler and wondered out loud to yourself “Hmmmm . . . Seems odd that he would go right for the Cherry and skip the Classic Limeade Sparkler.” And, I would tend to agree – except – that there was something extra dubious about the Classic – with it’s neon green glow. The way that it sat there with it’s unwavering gaze on the poster – staring – beckoning – I was honestly not sure what it was offering – and – I was even more unsure if I would be able to handle it – regardless of what it was. The whole situation made me so unsure – that I have been driven to write even more run-on sentences than I ever imagined possible – and – believe me – I can imagine a world overrun by run-ons . . . like kudzu in the deep south – taking over everything – engulfing – obliterating.

Sorry – my Grandmother’s house (where I mostly grew up) has been long abandoned and eaten by a wave kudzu . . . It is a sad site.

So – you see – this Classic Limeade was all up in my grill . . . playing mind games with me. It’s aggressive stance and it’s boardwalk dance were more than I was ready to deal with. I went for the Cherry – and I still contend that it was one of the best drinks that I have ever had – even the one that I had where the drink machine was in the restaurant – and the girl behind the counter put 4 squirts of red into a cup and said “Add ice and Sierra Mist.” I stared at her dumbfoundedly – this was a premium drink (in price and quality) and I was being made to make it? I was being given the keys to the kingdom? Well, I took those reigns and rode that horse to happy drink land . . . Which was great until she called me back over and said “Here.” and dropped a wedge of lemon in my cup. LEMON?! No – no – no. It was supposed to be lime – the photo has a lime – the commercial has a lime – the world isn’t quite right if it isn’t a lime. The drink – however – was still a treat. It persevered.

I eventually got up the guff – raised the cackles on the back of my neck – and got a Classic Limeade Sparkler. The entire time, I was looking at the poster of the Cherry. I was Mister Natty Nervous. The drink came out – with the proper lime wedge – and I took a sip. Bling-o, Blamm-o, Bloom-o – it was one of the sourest drinks that I’ve ever had. It has to be the drink that Sourpatch Kids drink in place of Gatorade . . . they probably even dump coolers of it on their Sourpatch coaches heads at the end of Sourpatch sporting events. My brain couldn’t figure out what in the world was going on – I tried to shake the cup to mix the sour green in with the Sierra Mist – but it was too full. I then got smart and moved my straw out of the danger zone and lowered the level of the beverage . . . it was not going to beat me . . . no way.

I drank and I shook and I drank and I shook. Eventually, it got to the point where the Sierra Mist was so overpowered that the shaking stopped doing any good – and so, I just drank. I started looking like a dog who had just been given tart raspberry jam – just smacking my lips and tongue to try to maintain all senses of feeling in my mouth. I could have had the Cherry – I could have had the Cherry . . . but – for you guys – I went Classic all the way – and boy did Classic make me pay.

On their website, Taco Bell goes a long way towards running it home that the use REAL limes and REAL lime juice . . . even going so far as to capitalize on the “REAL” twice – because that makes everything all that much more REAL . . . Well – my review of this drink is about to get as REAL as I can possibly get. Unless you are a prickly pear, a sourpuss, a cat with a lisp or a face in need of a serious pucker job – then I highly recommend scooting just a little bit over on the Taco Bell menu and ordering the Cherry Limeade Sparkler – because the Classic? It’ll hurt you.

One crazy thing that I need to bring up – after having a few of these Sparklers – is that Taco Bell insists on using the straws that are designed for a drink with an ICEE consistency. The straw has that little flipper of a spoon on the end – which means that you are automatically missing out on the last inch – or so – of your drink . . . and this makes no sense whatsoever. I have started saying “No thank you” to their offering of their malformed straw and moving over to grab a real straw for myself . . . I suggest that  you maybe should do the same for yourselves. Take charge of your drinks. Straw revolution!

A quick side-note, after writing the bulk of this review – and getting depressed – I went to my Grandmother’s old house with several large Classic Limeade Sparklers in tow – I put them into a garden sprayer and sprayed down all of the kudzu that had overtaken the house. I am happy to say that the kudzu pulled back with amazing speed – almost looking puckered. I now know the ultimate proper use for this drink – fighting the scourge of kudzu . . .

Yep.

We’ll take that point for the team.

There is a fountain of goodness that is flowing into the world . . . and you should hurry quickly to take a sip before it disappears. Maybe forever.

I am, of course, talking about the absolutely tantalizingly delicious treat known as the Cherry Limeade Sparkler at Taco Bell. Seriously, I can see it in your eyes that you don’t even believe me for a moment . . . but I’m not kidding. I’m not joking. My tongue isn’t anywhere near being in my cheek. There is also not a single twinkle in my eye. I just love it that much.

I’ll try to calm down a bit – now – so that I can give you some sort of moderately subjective description of my (current) favorite beverage.

It is pretty much either a Sprite – or – a 7up that has been expertly fountained on top of some cherry goopy goodness in a clear plastic cup so that you can actually see the sparkling happening in real time! The cherry is sweet – but – has a tiny bit of tart, of tang, that gives the drink a nice balance. And don’t even get me started on the fact that nestled down in the ice – there is a wedge of lime glistening an luscious green . . . like a tiny emerald lighthouse beckoning me to drink more and more and more.

This is the best drink in the universe, at least until we explore all of space and find other planets with other drinks. I suppose that – then – there is the possibility – no matter how slight – that there could be a better drink out there . . . somewhere. Maybe it is the Classic Limeade Sparkler – which I haven’t had yet – maybe that is the drink that will know the Cherry Sparkler off of it’s throne – which is on top of a pedestal – maybe – maybe.

I mean – come on people. It is a mixed drink at Taco Bell . . . that has the added benefit of potentially being healthy (don’t forget that there is that piece of real fruit at the bottom). I would like one right now.

Act quickly – because on the Taco Bell website – I found this coupon for a free Limeade Sparkler . . . so now you can tell me what you think of it.

Goooooooooooo and drink!

Link:

Recently – in the mail – I received an invitation to a very special event. It was to be an exclusive black tie affair . . . A black tie taco affair that is. And as all of you may as well know – most marketing campaigns for gimmick products are usually – specifically built with the sole intention of getting my hard earned cash. Pepsi Clear? Yeah, I did that. All 500 Dorito varietals? Yep, I’ve eaten them. The Baconator at Wendy’s? I think we both know that the answer is that I definitely ate one – maybe two – and can now move on with the review.

taco_2So – where was I? Ah yes – A black taco?! How could I possibly resist? I already knew that the Volcano taco was one of the better inventions of this young century . . . So why wouldn’t it’s darker – classier taco cousin see the taste pot – and then push all of it’s (tortilla) chips into the center of the table – just to see what kind of cards I was sitting behind?

Are you with me? Am I making sense? When I first saw the commercial for the Black Jack taco – I knew that it would be mine – and then within 14 hours – it was. A quick aside. All that I got from the commercial was that I should have been dressy and that the shell of the taco was black . . . that was it. I was going in with an open mind.

So – what did I think? Well – the shell looked great. It was as black as midnight and was filled with the traditional Taco Bell fillings of ground beef (perhaps it was spicy ground beef), lettuce and cheese. But it differed in a couple of ways. The cheese was white and it also had some sort of white  sauce in it- which I guessed would be a ranch sauce. Black and white. This taco was a dichotomy. I was about to eat the Yin and the Yang of taco treats!

taco_1Then I took a bite – and my impress turned to distress. This was no ranch sauce . . . It was a pepper jack sauce and the cheese was also pepper jack. It was right there in the name – and I hadn’t given it any thought. I had just found out that I had no idea what I was eating. Then other questions started to sprout up – like why was I eating it – in a tuxedo – and where was I anyway!?

My mind had been blown – in a crummy way. The tastes were all wonky. The pepper jack sauce overpowered everything and made it taste ucky. I didn’t want a cream sauce on my processed spicy ground beef. I just didn’t. Although – I did tip my hat to the whole name thing – and it being tied in with the cheese . . . I was more of the opinion that they should have stuck with the pepper jack cheese – and if they absolutely had to have a white sauce – then drop some white queso dip on there . . . I would have bought stock in the company, filled out an application and married Socks the dog to the kings least appealing schnauzer for the betterment of the state – if that would have happened.

However – it didn’t happen. So – I got rid of the rest of my failure of a Black Jack taco and mauled the Volcano taco that I had waiting in the wings. While eating my Volcano – I patted myself on the back (after vigorously cleaning my hands – so as to not get grease on my monkey suit) – at my prescience at saving the good taco for second . . . Thereby saving what could have been a disaster of a lunch. Yay me.

Before eating . . . I did force the Volcano to lay on a crumpled wrapper of ill repute with my Black Jack taco . . . It was like good taco cop/bad taco cop. But then it got me thinking that it could be called the University of Georgia taco combo (their colors are red & black) – or the Falcon’s taco combo (their colors might also be red & black – maybe). My people (Socks) have assured me that we are talking to their to make this a reality . . . and if it happens – then . . . trucks . . . of . . . money . . . will . . . be . . . at . . . my . . . door. What?!taco_3

If you feel like the dog of this review doesn’t hunt . . . Or are just itching to find out for yourself – then you will be thrilled to know that tomorrow – Halloween – October 31st between 6 pm and midnight (which is the witching hour for tacos) – you can put on your tuxedo (or bell of the ball gown) and saunter in to your local Taco Bell and get a Black Jack taco for free. If you do partake in this I do recommend having some sort of backup plan in place . . . or – maybe – see if you can get it without the crummy sauce . . . I think that may be what I’m doing . . . Let’s start a sauce revolution!

Whaddaya say?!

This taco is the best!

My television recently came down from magic mountain with news of a product so wonderful and perfect – that they had me at red shell.

It all makes so much sense . . . different colored taco shells! Just think about it – our feet are now firmly planted on the way to a Christmas themed tacos – a July 4th taco – a President’s day taco!!!

Anyway – it is called the “Volcano Taco” and except for a bit of spicy orange goo. . . It is really just a normal meat, lettuce and cheese – taco.

Wait – did I just say that it is basically a normal taco?!? Well – it isn’t. It is a super-taco, it is the future and it comes in a red shell.

Seriously – I’m not even kidding around a bit . . . this taco is the best.