Tag: stand-up comedy

Bumperpodcast #462 – Season 3 – Montclair Comedy Festival

Natty Bumpercar announced co-producing the Montclair Comedy Festival in Montclair, New Jersey, from November 13-15. The idea stemmed from his job loss and subsequent anxiety attack. Natty secured the festival’s URL, trademarked the name, and assembled a committee to review over 100 applicants. He built a website and an app for ticketing and show announcements. The festival gained support from venues and Eventbrite. Natty highlighted the importance of inclusivity and the role of his friend Suzanne in organizing the event. Despite challenges, the festival is on track, and Natty feels accomplished and excited.

You should send us an email to bumperpodcast@nattybumpercar.com. We’re here and we’re listening!

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About This Episode

In this special episode of Bumperpodcast, host Natty Bumpercar shares exciting news about co-producing the Montclair Comedy Festival in New Jersey, scheduled for November 13-15. Natty recounts how getting laid off from his job sparked a whirlwind of creative energy that led to organizing an entire comedy festival in just months. He discusses his long history with Montclair comedy, including 15 years producing shows at Tierney's Pub, and how the late Pat Grillon inspired his comedy journey. Natty details the festival's development process, from securing the domain name and trademark to building custom apps for performers and managing over 100 applications. Despite Aloysious J. Pig's brief interruption at the end, Natty successfully shares his passion project with listeners before anyone can derail the conversation.

Memorable Quotes

“I got laid off on a thursday and i immediately just went into a shell inside myself in the corner and um i was kind of rocking back and forth in the corner and then i rocked too hard and the shell cracked open”
— Natty Bumpercar

“I have big, dumb ideas, but then she can use spreadsheets, and then she makes it make sense.”
— Natty Bumpercar

“Everything's going to be super smooth and super easy. What are you doing? We're recording an episode now? I didn't mean to talk over you.”
— Aloysious J. Pig

Topics: #comedyfestival #montclair #liveevents #showproduction #careerchange #mentalhealth #creativeprojects #stand-upcomedy

Featuring: Natty Bumpercar, Aloysious J. Pig, Producer

Full Transcript

Natty Bumpercar: all right i'm gonna get to it right now i'm gonna get to the point we're not gonna doddle i have fun exciting news and i want to tell you about it before anyone even comes in the studio and bothers me or interrupts me or tries to tell me something silly hi this is natty bumper car with a bumper podcast and the cool news is that i'm helping co-produce the montclair comedy festival in montclair new jersey november 13th 14th and 15th and i am like so beyond excited i have wanted to do a festival type thing for a long time i've done benefits i produce shows uh we you know all kinds of stuff but finally like i don't know what happened but something in me just uh oh wait that's right i got laid off from my job and then i had an anxiety attack and i didn't sleep for like three days and that's not good but the good thing that came out of that was a festival which is strange but that's what happened i uh i got laid off on a thursday and i uh immediately just went into a shell inside myself in the corner and um i was kind of rocking back and forth in the corner and then i rocked too hard i and i bumped and i the shell cracked open and i was and there i was And I thought, I got to do something. I can't just sit here and be sad. Let's go. We got to figure this out. And so I started thinking, Montclair Comedy Festival. Montclair has Montclair Pride. They have the Jazz Fest. They have a literary festival. They have Montclair Film. The Walnut Street Fair. I don't know. That's different. But you get the point. There's a lot of stuff going on in Montclair. And there used to be a comedy club there, right there on Bloomfield Avenue. It was called Rascals, and it's not there anymore. And so I said, well, that's strange. Let me research this to see if it exists. And I looked up Montclair Comedy Festival, and there was nothing. So I got super excited, and I went and I got the URL, montclaircomedyfestival.com. And then I went and I got all the socials. And then what did I do? I went and trademarked the name. And I don't know if you know this, but I actually helped produce a show there for like 15 years. On every Sunday night for 15 years. Rain or sleet or snow, but not ice. And not big time sports games. Sports games? Yeah, sports games. And it was great. It was at a place called Tierney's Pub, and it's on Valley Road. And it was upstairs, and when the pandemic hit, it kind of went away. And I think everything went away. And I was kind of like, oh, okay, there goes Tierney's. And the main person whose show it was, her name was Pat Grillon. And she went away. She just said, no more for me. And she passed away, which is horrible and depressing and sad. But, you know, I kind of didn't know what to do because it was her show. And for people who don't know, it's her fault that I started doing comedy again, really. When we moved up here from Georgia, I started doing it a little bit back there when we were in Georgia. But I had no intention. I was kind of… I was like, it's done with me. Okay. And then I passed this place, and it had a big banner outside. And it's like, comedy, Sundays, blah, blah, blah, beer thing, whatever, special. And I was like, huh, all right. And finally, I got up the gumption. I don't know. It wasn't like I didn't get up the gumption of the courage. I just finally remembered to pull in. And so I did that on a Sunday, and I went up. There was up these stairs, very steep stairs, very creaky stairs. And I got to the attic where it was and walked in. And there was just this woman there. And I was like, hey, this is who I am. This is my story. I want to… And she was like, okay. Like, immediately. That's what she did. And so then she gave me a date, and off we went. And really just… So great. So wonderful. And then over the years, I just kind of ended up trying to be as big of a help as I could, just because I could learn, and I could get more stage time, and I could host a lot, and I could figure stuff out. And it was a great learning experience. But then again, when the pandemic happened, and when she passed away, I was kind of like, all right, well, comedy was fun. Comedy was great. And I don't want to do it anymore. But then it came back. We started doing outdoor shows. Some people did a lot of Zoom shows. I only did a few because I found it very confusing to be sitting on my couch, staring at people in their little squares. And then they're like, all right, it's your turn. And having to turn on your microphone and be like, ah, here's my jokes. Ah. Anyway. So what happened? What happened? What happened? Oh, yeah, outdoor shows. And then my pal Suzanne, she found a place called LaSara Gardens, which is next town over. And I guess they have a stage in the back. And she was walking around one day, and she just went to the owner, like just went to her and said, hey, could we have a show here, comedy show? And like, I don't. I have no concept on how you do that. But she did. And good for her. Because we've been doing shows there for like three years. Sweet and sour comedy, right? And so we've been doing shows there. We've been doing private shows. We've been doing benefits. Kind of all sorts of stuff. And that's been wonderful. And then last year, I don't know if you remember, but I was talking about Jaws the musical. And we were producing that as sweet and sour comedy. We were in it. And we applied and got into the. New York Fringe Festival, which was super cool and super weird and different and scary for me because I had not I don't I had to learn songs at a learn lines. I had to sing songs, you know, and I had to they did blocking. What does that mean? That's what you're supposed to be. What do you mean? When we had the specific time that you say that you're supposed to look over there and be over there and then do that. And it's just like, oh, I have to. OK, I have to put all of that into my brain. And it's like. It's like an hour long thing. Perfect. Great. This is going to work out well. Well, it did. It was fun. And the festival happened and it went great. And, you know, it was a big experience and another big learning thing. And then we kept doing shows back to the stand up stuff, the normal stuff. And then, you know, I'd kind of talked about festival stuff every so often, but it just seemed like a big impossible thing. And then when I got laid off. On a Thursday and then I had the panic attack, I just I did all that stuff. I found a URL and then I built the Web site and I all this stuff was just like I figured out the structure of how I wanted to get people into the festival as far as like them applying. And I got a committee of people from around the country and so that they could watch the videos and fill out a rubric and they would take the rankings from that. And we put it into spreadsheets. So we had all the rankings and we were able to look at different aspects of their rankings and, you know, just like kind of do it from a more fair perspective than just, hey, we're having a festival. Hey, we're going to have all of our friends on it. You know, that's that's that's something that's fine if that's what you want to do. But I was trying to make it just a more inclusive thing. Right. I didn't even watch the videos because I wanted to be hands off from that. And we had over 100. People apply, which is bananas to me and kind of in the same time as that. Oh, wait. So so I went to Suzanne on like Monday or Tuesday and I was like, hey, we're having a festival. She's like, what? And I was like, Montclair Comedy Festival. And she's like, when next year? And I was like, November. And this was in like May or June or something. And she was like, no, too much, too fast. No. And I was like. It's all done because in my head it was. And, you know, we got we got all of the people applying and then we started talking to venues and everybody was super receptive. And we're like three weeks away. It's it's I don't know what date it is today, but it's sometime in October, mid-October. And then that's in mid-November. And it's going so great. It's so weird. Like I had to build and develop. An app for the website to pull in all the ticketing stuff from Eventbrite, which is like our ticketing platform. And they reached out to us to be our official ticketing platform. They reached out to us. It's weird. Who are we? Sweet and sour. And, you know, how to learn how to do press releases. And then I built this cool app for the website also, where when the people got into accepted to the festival, they were like, oh, we're going to do this. And then I built this cool app for the website also, where when the people got into accepted to the festival, they were like, oh, we're going to do this. And then I built this cool app for the website also, where when the people got into accepted to the festival, they were like, oh, we're going to do this. They have a page where they could go and they can actually just they can pick three skins and then they upload their picture and they're able to move their photo around in the pictures. And then it's like Montclair Comedy Festival and then in the date. And it's kind of like an announcement like, look at me. I'm in this thing. And people used it. And it was great. And then once we got all the shows named and we got them all organized and all the lineups done, then we were able to. And seriously, I could not have done this stuff without Suzanne. I tell her this all the time. She was able to, you know, I have big, dumb ideas, but then she can use spreadsheets, and then she makes it make sense. And so she was able, she was like, all right, I got all these people from this show doing this and this and ba-ba-doo-ba-da. So we could contact the people and send them out, like, show-specific information. Hey, you're on this show. It's at this time. It's at this place. And when we did that, we gave them a link to another little thing that I built where they could build their own show flyer or poster with their, you know, put their picture in, type their name in, and move the name around wherever they wanted it to be. And that was, it was, it's fun. You know, it's fun to think up these things and then figure out how to make them happen. And then it's terrifying when you go to send the main emails out and the website just dies, crashes. And you're like, why did this happen? I don't know. Just to keep me on my toes. So that's kind of where we are at this point. And it's exciting. And I'm excited. And my therapist was like, hey, this is kind of a lot. And I was like, yes, yes, this is a lot. This might be too much. But my whole theory, my logic is at least I'm not still. I'm still in my shell, crying and rocking in the corner. Like, I took all of that terror and scary and whatever, and I was able to do this giant thing. And every so often, like, I do kind of blink my eyes and go, what have I done? What are we, how are we doing this? And I've been just making lists and lists and lists and going down the list and crossing things out. And we have volunteers. And I don't know. Overall, people seem to be excited about it. Which makes me beyond happy. And hopefully, you know, the next three, four weeks are just going to go by without a hitch.

Aloysious J. Pig: Everything's going to be super smooth and super easy. What are you doing? We're recording an episode now? I didn't mean to talk over you. Hey, it's me, Aloysius J. Pig. Is it time for the Bumper Podcast? Nope. Nope.

Natty Bumpercar: No. To both of you, I did it. I managed to record an entire episode without anybody. And I got to talk about the Montclair Comedy Festival. And we'll talk about your stuff again, I'm sure. Because we always end up talking about your stuff. But today, it was my day. And I'm excited. MontclairComedyFestival.com.

Producer: The Bumper Podcast is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp with Natty Bumpercar, and some of his pals. It is family-friendly, clean, and ridiculous. Thanks a bundle for listening. If you love our show and you'd like to help support the podcast, check out our Patreon page at Also, pretty please subscribe wherever you get your podcasts, share it with everyone everywhere, post about it on all of the social medias, or leave a rating and rating. The Bumper Podcast is produced at headquarters in Coffee Can Alley. It's recorded, mixed, and produced by a producer. The Bumper Podcast features contributions from Our head talker is probably Natty Bumpercar. We also have an absurd newsletter. Check it out and subscribe at NattyBumpercar.com. Also, you can follow me on Instagram and Twitter at NattyBumpercar. Hugs and hearts. See you soon.

October 18, 2025
Bumperpodcast #454 – Season 3 – Am Human

In this episode of the Bumperpodcast, Natty is excited to talk about something, is interrupted by Pig, and then forgets what he was ever even excited about…

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About This Episode

In this improvisational episode of Bumperpodcast, Natty Bumpercar starts with big plans to discuss something important but immediately gets derailed. Aloysious J. Pig questions whether Natty actually talks to real people or just performs at them. The conversation spirals through topics like putting out fires, screaming in theaters, and whether service workers are genuinely nice or just doing their jobs. Natty shares a detailed story about a challenging comedy show two hours away where he had to work hard to engage a disconnected crowd by jumping off stage and doing table-to-table bits. The episode showcases the show's signature rambling, self-aware humor as the characters forget what they were originally trying to discuss.

Memorable Quotes

“You understand that people in restaurants and stores, they're being paid to be nice to you. You understand that, right? They're just trying to be cordial, civil.”
— Aloysious J. Pig

“All I do in my life at this point is I run around and I put out fires. Oh there's a fire run, oh there's a fire run, and I never even get to check if the fires are actually out.”
— Natty Bumpercar

“I refuse this reality. I'm gonna take charge of this reality and I did and it worked out.”
— Natty Bumpercar

Topics: #stand-upcomedy #socialinteraction #improvisation #performanceanxiety #friendship #overthinking #crowdwork

Featuring: Natty Bumpercar, Aloysious J. Pig, Producer

Full Transcript

Natty Bumpercar: so this is going to be one of those episodes where i've got i've got thoughts i've got ideas

Aloysious J. Pig: and i've got thoughts okay so you mean it's going to be one of those episodes that people can should just go ahead and like skip that's what you're saying right off the bat just hey hey everybody warning here's just so you know an episode that you probably don't need to listen

Natty Bumpercar: don't no no that's not what i'm saying at all no no no so here's the thing at night when i do i say here's the thing a lot i feel like i say here's the thing a lot hold on a second now i got to

Aloysious J. Pig: think about that and now you're derailed you came in all hot and strong and you're like oh i got something to talk about and now you're like oh another shiny thing focus bumper car you're a

Natty Bumpercar: minute in and there's the phone ringing and that's why i can't focus because there's never any time to focus on anything because i never get a chance it's like all i do in my life at this point is i run around and i put out fires i'm like oh there's a fire run oh there's a fire run oh there's a fire run and i never even get to check if the fires are actually out because i'm so busy running from fire to fire to fire you

Aloysious J. Pig: better hope that this is not being do we play these ever at a at a movie theater any kind of theater because if you're doing your podcast and you're up here screaming fire fire fire people are gonna get you're gonna i think you're breaking some laws maybe i but you can't just start screaming fire fire fire that's that's that's highly illegal and if and i'm not listen i'm not saying that because i want anybody else to come to the podcast because i like it's just you and me today but i think you're probably bending maybe even breaking a couple

Natty Bumpercar: of laws here yeah no i listen don't you worry about that we live in a post-law society would you stop stop this is supposed to be a silly funny

Aloysious J. Pig: podcast don't if you if you jump down that hole that rabbit hole you're gonna be in all kinds of trouble dude i wouldn't do it i would just take a deep breath and now let's talk about whatever it was that you started off now two minutes ago wanting to talk about ah that was

Natty Bumpercar: so long ago and now i feel like we've talked about i don't remember i was so excited i came in and i was so excited i was so excited i was so excited i was so excited i was so excited i was so I'd been thinking about something that I wanted to talk about, and I thought it was even interesting, and then I was, I, I, I can't, why, why does this happen?

Aloysious J. Pig: Is it because you don't do the podcast often enough, and so you're a little bit out of, out of, out of, out of sync? That's not what I want. Out of practice? That's what I want. Or maybe is it because the only time you actually have conversations around the podcast, because you don't talk to other people, and so you, maybe you just had too much ready to go, and then when you got distracted, it all fell apart?

Natty Bumpercar: No, I talk to people all the time. Like, I'm always talking to people. I, I talk to people constantly, really, you know, if, if, if you look at talking, then. I'm probably, I'm doing, I'm talking.

Aloysious J. Pig: You, you understand that it's, like, people in, in restaurants and, and stores, that, those aren't common, you're, you're, they're being paid to be nice to you. You understand that, right? They, they're, they're just trying to be, uh, cordial, civil, you know, uh.

Natty Bumpercar: Civil, like, civil, civil shepherd?

Aloysious J. Pig: I did, yeah, so now we're doing, like, references to television from 30 years ago?

Natty Bumpercar: Oh, bumper car.

Aloysious J. Pig: Yeah. Oh, bumper. Bumper car. What are you doing?

Natty Bumpercar: Well, what about, okay, fine, I understand, and I accept, whatever, that those, those people are probably, maybe only being nice to me because it's, it's their job, uh, which, fine, whatever, you know, they don't have to do their job so well to me, right, to talk to me. They could just, uh, give me a smile and walk away, but I'll, fine, I will accept your, your logic, and I will say, what about? I had a show this weekend, and, and I, I talked to people there.

Aloysious J. Pig: Now, you, so, when you're doing stand-up comedy, you're not talking to people, you're talking at people. You're on stage, right, which by, you're up high, you're far away, you're talking into a microphone, which is, you know, uh, it's, it's, it's, uh, I would say magnifying your voice? Is that what we're saying? Amplifying. We'll say amplifying your voice. And so it's, that's, that's also not a conversation, but it really highlights, I think, where your brain is, uh, a little bit, uh, wonk, wonka-doodle.

Natty Bumpercar: Well, okay, so normally I totally agree with you, but this show, which I had to drive two hours to get to, it was so far away because of traffic and stuff. So I got there, and they had the tables set up, like, 20 feet from the stage where I was performing. and the also the stage was like high up like super high up like probably i'm gonna go five and a half feet five feet we'll say five feet up and there were spotlights but they were not on and they were not pointed at the stage even if they were on so it created this really weird environment and um so i was sitting in the back at the comics table which was table number 13 which is

Aloysious J. Pig: not foreshadowing at all did i tell the crowd so listen everybody who's listening to this story first off i apologize second off uh if bumper car sounds weird it's because every so often

Unknown: there's still music beds that are coming through that evidently somebody forgot to turn off and so

Aloysious J. Pig: he was telling some story then all of a sudden it's like unksha unksha unksha which is why he sounded confused anyway back back to your story tell your story tell your story okay yeah those

Natty Bumpercar: unksha unksha beats uh are always coming through so here's so so i uh i was back at the table and there was a woman who was running the show she like hired us i guess and she came back and the producer of the show said hi just so you know you're gonna be bringing um natty up he's the host for the for the show and i said hi natty and she's like what's your name natty bumper car that's a stupid name no she didn't say stupid that's a silly name uh is that really your name and i said ah who knows because that's usually what i say uh just to get out of that conversation and uh or i say probably uh and and she's like okay whatever listen uh in a few minutes uh i'll go up there i'm gonna say a little bit about the show and and then i'll introduce you and i was like perfect and so in my mind that meant okay i have time to i'm gonna i'm gonna go use the bathroom maybe i'm gonna stretch a little bit maybe do some jumping jack whatever i do i don't know think about what i'm gonna say and i i stood up to leave the room to find the bathroom and uh she was already on the stage and she was like okay everybody here's your host uh natty and i was i was two feet out of the door which meant i was all the way out of the door already and i went oh oh and and i had to turn and run all the way up to the stage because it was far away it was it was much farther than i thought it was and uh you know hopped up on stage and i was like oh my god i'm gonna go use the bathroom and i was just like haha what happened to a few minutes huh thanks oh here we go which was a weird way to start a show not how you want to start a show and uh i'm not blaming that but the crowd was you know like usually they have like a 30 second hey everybody thanks for coming out tonight thanks for coming to our show how about that food ha that's sponsored by this person and look at all these decorations great job these people like whatever it is and now let's get ready you guys and they're like yeah we're ready but this was instead this was just like hey show go and and and me running on stage and so the crowd was just like kind of there but also kind of not there and i did about 12 minutes up front and um you know there were some laughs but there was also a lot of me switching gears it was like i'm gonna try that no you don't like okay i'm gonna try that you don't like okay i'm gonna try that nope okay good good good just a lot of me kind of uh feeling the crowd out trying to feel what they like trying to feel what they don't like or whatever and um so then i got off like i introduced uh the person who produced the show she was going to do a little jump on spot a little guest spot and so i introduced her like hey and i i found a little back room on the stage because i didn't want to go all the way back to the table because i'd already got my steps in that day so after she got off i went up and i was i was i was i was like i'm gonna do this i'm gonna do this i'm gonna do this frustrated because i i i'm the host and i was not gonna let the show go that way and so i was just like no no i'm taking charge and so they had given me a wireless microphone and so i actually hopped off the stage and i decided to run from table to table to table and i don't it's not necessarily crowd work because i wasn't really letting them talk so much but i would pick out something at the table and i would make fun of it quick boom bam boom zing zing zing and then i would run to the next table boom bam boom zing zing zing and you know and that actually got the crowd engaged and that got them kind of awake and kind of like oh hey we're at a show and then you know it was good because the other two comics uh they had a much easier time with the crowd because i forced them to be engaged and i was so happy with that because it was a little bit you know like it's easy to get depressed and get into a funk when things aren't going exactly the way you want them to or the way you planned for them to go and just kind of throw your hands up and be like well i tried but you know did you did you try and and so i was like no i'm i refuse i refuse this reality i'm gonna take charge of this reality and and and and i did and it it worked out to the point where i was like oh my god i'm gonna do this after the show everyone was like oh that was so fun when you came down and talked to us when you were running around and you were talking to us and i was just like yay good glad to hear it yay good i don't want to talk about it now because it makes me

Aloysious J. Pig: uncomfortable talking to humans uh yeah so that's what i'm talking so that you know what it sounds like you might have had a conversation or two which uh good for you really proud of you really really coming far really the the performer who you know is really coming out of his shell good job good for you yeah really proud of you really happy for you okay um what were you what were you talking about earlier we said about talking to people oh because i actually checked out you were talking right then for like seven minutes and so i kind of walked out of the room

Natty Bumpercar: yeah which i apologize but it's uh you know i'm a very busy uh pig yeah you're very i get it but no what was you i came in remember i was excited to talk about something on the podcast and then i got distracted and then you tried to bring everything back together and by the time you did that i had already forgotten what it was that i wanted to talk about that i was all excited to talk about and then you um said asked if if i was forgetting because i wasn't doing the show enough and so i was out of practice yep or if um that because i never talked to anybody in the world i that maybe um i was saving everything up just to explode out into the bumper podcast and so maybe

Aloysious J. Pig: that's what was happening i think yeah that uh that sounds about right but it's also pretty we're not if i was trying to say phenomenally but i said renominally it's pretty phenomenally creepy like that did you take notes on the conversation because i pretty that's all those things you were just saying were i think exactly the things that i was talking anyway who cares who cares who cares um fine so i i don't know what we established there yes you talked to people not at people and they weren't people at a place of business like a restaurant or a store where they have to talk to you so what i think well that we've maybe proven in some form of fashion yeah that you might be uh human is that what we're doing i mean i don't i forget the whole point of this whole thing

Natty Bumpercar: no i think maybe we just i don't know what we just proved that i talked to people sometimes yeah we've proved that i talk to people sometimes and i don't i don't only talk on the podcast i'm human you

Producer: the bumper podcast is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp with natty bumper car and some of his pals it is family friendly clean and ridiculous thanks a bundle for listening if you love our show and you'd like to help support the podcast check out our patreon page at https colon forward slash bumper podcast and we'll see you next time on the bumper podcast forward slash www.patreon.com forward slash natty bumper car also pretty please subscribe wherever you get your podcasts share it with everyone everywhere post about it on all of the social medias or leave a rating and review the bumper podcast is produced at headquarters in coffee can alley it's recorded mixed and produced by producer the bumper podcast features contributions from aloicious j pig rufus to you rufus doodle poodle robot trunks and a gag all of other silly rascals our head talker is probably natty bumper car we also have an absurd newsletter check it out and subscribe at natty bumper car dot com slash subscribe also you can follow me on instagram and twitter at natty bumper car hugs and hearts see you soon

May 21, 2025
Bumperpodcast #413 – Season 2 – Shows and Sand

Natty talks about going to a sandy place, and also about the excitement of getting to do comedy shows again. It’s a hoot! The Bumperpodcast with Natty Bumpercar is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp around Headquarters, in Coffee-Can Alley, with Natty Bumpercar and his entire gaggle of pals! You should send us an email to bumperpodcast@nattybumpercar.com. We’re here and we’re listening! Go like our Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/TheBumperpodcast/)!! Also, The Bumperpodcast can now be found on the https://non-productive.com/ network. Yay!!!! Also, also, we have a Patreon page now!!! https://www.patreon.com/nattybumpercar Another story about saving baby animals! A feel good story! Previous episode!
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[av_toggle_container faq_markup=” initial=’0′ mode=’accordion’ sort=” styling=” colors=” font_color=” background_color=” border_color=” toggle_icon_color=” colors_current=” font_color_current=” toggle_icon_color_current=” background_current=” background_color_current=” background_gradient_current_direction=’vertical’ background_gradient_current_color1=” background_gradient_current_color2=” background_gradient_current_color3=” hover_colors=” hover_font_color=” hover_background_color=” hover_toggle_icon_color=” size-toggle=” av-medium-font-size-toggle=” av-small-font-size-toggle=” av-mini-font-size-toggle=” size-content=” av-medium-font-size-content=” av-small-font-size-content=” av-mini-font-size-content=” heading_tag=” heading_class=” alb_description=” id=” custom_class=” template_class=” av_uid=’av-l2ly3cfi’ sc_version=’1.0′ admin_preview_bg=”] [av_toggle title=’Show Transcript:’ tags=” custom_id=” av_uid=’av-l2ly3as8′ sc_version=’1.0′] Natty Bumpercar 0:03 I mean today I’m gonna, I’m gonna give I’m gonna give the people what they want. Aloysius J. Pig 0:08 Oh, you’re finally going to cancel the show you’re gonna move on to something else. Natty Bumpercar 0:12 No. Is that what what is that what the people want? That I was gonna Yeah, Producer 0:18 so we’ve been getting a lot of feedback that people say you don’t record often enough to nude says you got I don’t know we need shirts can happen and I can’t keep up with my pod feed is all messed up and you don’t put out new episodes you know, it’s like that and so people get very very upset about the whole thing you know. Natty Bumpercar 0:34 I mean, that makes sense. But I believe we’ve been really busy. I mean, really, like really busy, like, you know, I mean, if people want to jump on the Patreon and get instant, some some money. I mean, not I do this for money, like I just wanted that to be known. But I priorities. I gotta I gotta I gotta put food on the table for all the babies. Oh, the baby’s gonna how many babies you gotta you gotta get no babies like the old at this point. I think I’m one of them was probably in college or something I don’t. Come on. He’s a terrible excuse is what do you been so busy doing? All right. Well, I will say I, we actually went on a vacation. We went on a trip, we went far away, we went to a place called Florida. And it was wonderful. I mean, it was terrible, you know, in some parts, but it was wonderful. I’m not going to complain. I feel like I just complained. Why would I? Why do I always complain? It was it was so it was hot. It was like 85 degrees outside and the sun, we were closer to the sun, I feel because I actually got a little bit sunburned and not on the first day, which is, you know, like, Hey, we’re vacationing, this is what you do. And so we were staying in this place. And outside the back window, there was a deck, and there was a waterway where we could see the water and there were boats in the waterway. And then we saw manatee Now hold on a second here. Those are the cows of the see you. Yes, they are. And you know what I was just realize, because we actually saw two of them and they were playing together. And I don’t know what the plural version of manatee is, man. So manatees, that’d be like possessive manatee mean, it feels like sheep, like where it’s just like a look at that sheep. Hey, look at all those sheep. You know, it’s I think maybe manatees the same way where it’s the singular and the plural of the same word, which kind of blows my mind. Aloysius J. Pig 2:33 I don’t want to get into a grammar conversation because it’s no one listens to podcasts for that, especially if you don’t have the actual answer. This is what you’re doing right now, as you’re doing one of those podcasts where you’re like, we have 10 episodes, and we’re gonna go deeper into this thing than anyone has ever gone. And then at the end, you’re like, but we don’t have answers still. You’re like I just wasted 10 hours of my life. Producer 3:01 Just watch. So what Piggie saying do you don’t know the answer and we have already people are upset that you don’t record often enough, you know, you’re bringing to the table things that you don’t have answers to. And so it just it all feels a bit. I don’t know. Maybe you should take another another break. Really? Natty Bumpercar 3:22 What you wanted to do, you know, I was excited when we hit record. I was excited. I wanted it so in Florida, it’s hot suns closer. sunburned. And there were two pools right at the at the manatee. So we saw them empty and yes, no, I don’t know. Singular, plural. Maybe we’ll remember that for next time. We won’t. But so we were watching some Manatee and we also saw a dolphin go through the little waterway. It was like a dolphin. And but there were two fools on the other side. And, and we found out that one of the pools was heated. So it’s 85 degrees outside and they had a pool that was heated, which was phenomenal. I mean, it sounds gross. Because when you get in it, it feels like you’re in soup. But the best I mean like ah, oh, let me tell you. My kids are getting up at like eight o’clock in the morning to go through it. That’s called swearing. And I was like, huh, because I don’t want to know in cold water when it’s eight o’clock in the morning. It’s just not what I want to do. But do I want to go into a warm pool maybe like there’s a lot more of a chance that I want to go into a warm pool that’s that’s absolutely for sure. So that was it was it was nice. And you know we we played miniature golf. I got two holes in one in a row. Rufus T. Rufus 4:51 Is that what you’re doing this podcast and tell us that you’re moving on to be a professional miniature golf Nelly. That was that what’s your what’s your thinking? You know Korea move was going to be Natty Bumpercar 5:01 No, I didn’t say that there was going to be any kind of new career move. I just said that I was excited to I forget what I started the podcast with what we’re like, I just wanted to do something like, I’m excited to be here. And you know, Aloysius J. Pig 5:14 you just said yes. Excited. I’m so excited to be anyway. So speaking of great, you went to Florida, we get it good for you. Oh, you’re a big man. You go on vacation. We were all sitting here, wondering where the food was wondering where the paper towels were wondering who was going to draw our baths, et cetera. Doodle Poodle 5:36 Hi, it’s me. Doodle poodle. Did somebody say want to? Know does anybody have any pens and paper? Natty Bumpercar 5:57 That’s adorable. Well, real quick. In Florida we did. We were looking at some books at a bookstore. And on the rack, there was a book that was titled, The poodle who doodles Rufus T. Rufus 6:12 Now hold on a second, I didn’t realize that had you? And we’ve been writing books. And we’ve been publishing books. I haven’t seen any contracts for for such things. No, no, no. Is this is this a new career that you’re talking about? Natty Bumpercar 6:26 No, no, no, no. Again, no new career, but I didn’t know what to do. I was I was like, looking at this book. It’s a kid’s book. And it’s got this dis poodle. And he doodles. And I was just holding it. And I was looking at it. And I was like, hmm, well, this is a strange thing. Aloysius J. Pig 6:48 Now, I know, this ain’t really my purview. But I, and this is a weird question to ask, but are we? Are we copy written? Are we are we protected under the law? Like, what? How does if somebody’s going to come up and write a book like al the pigs says, How do you do something? I Natty Bumpercar 7:08 mean, like what’s I don’t understand what’s happened? Rufus T. Rufus 7:10 Well, now I this is my first time hearing this and so I haven’t, you know, obviously, I had time to do in a research. I haven’t had time for my interns and pages and whatnot, office staff to help me research but I’m gonna look into this because it seems like it might be an issue. I mean, on not necessary. I mean, not that we’re going to do anything about it necessarily. But the issue is that we don’t want somebody to come around us and say we’ve got this book about this poodle the doodles and you’ve got this dog over here that doodle food Oh, and they can’t he has to go away. Doodle Poodle 7:52 Have to go Natty Bumpercar 7:58 Come here, buddy Euro. It’s okay. It’s so we’re, it’s I think it’s gonna be fine. It’s just it was a really weird occurrence and we’ll we’ll figure it out. You know, it’s gonna it’s gonna work out I think. But it’s a little bit nerve wracking, definitely. But it’s going to be fine. Speaking of careers. I want to move on for a second because we only have a couple minutes left. Guess what’s coming back. Guess what’s happening? Oh, are you going to start mowing people’s lawns again? Are you doing? Are you back into auto culture while you’re doing lawn? Trees and shrubs and whatnot? No, no, no trees? No, no, I know that. No, no, no. But comedy. Comedy is coming back. I have I’ve been booked on shows. I have shows again, I get to go out to places sometimes very far away and tell people jokes, which is wonderfully exciting. I recently my guess was last weekend, I had a show. And it was in a barn. You’re doing shows and bonds now. Interesting, right? So the funny thing I was the host, and there were 123 other comedians, and I went up, I did my time. And as a host, it’s you it’s really difficult to to get the room to get their attention. And to kind of, you know, start the show off, especially because they’re all eating dinner, they’re chatting, there’s an open bar, so they’re doing other things. And so, you know, when I get up on stage, and I’m like, time for the funny and they’re like, ah, you know, and so it takes a minute or two to kind of break the ice and be silly and get them engaged and involved in the show. And so I did my time upfront and then I brought the first the wall the second comedian Up first is host me. The second is her and she did her time and then I got up and I just wanted to kind of did like a two minute thing in between the second and third comedian and it went great And they were like, ah, and I finally had them. Because at that point, I had kind of established my presence who I am. And you know, they have something to bite off of which is good. And building the rapport that said, I would say, I don’t ever say that. And then the third comedian went up, he did wonderfully. And before he got off, the person who was running the show, not the comedian, but the person running the show said, Hi, I need you to announce the cake after him. And I was like, oh, no, because there was one more comedian. And here’s the thing. This isn’t an age old comedy rule. This isn’t just every you can’t fight cake. You can’t beat cake. Right? So I got up and I was like, Hey, go give it up for him. All right. And now there’s cake. Everybody jumps up, runs for the cake. And the comedy show is just and so I keep talking. Because I didn’t know what to do. And then the, like, the comedian running, the show came up. And she was like, we’re gonna do an intermission. You don’t do intermission to comedy shows because the whole show is structured to build, build, build, build, right? It’s just nice arc. And what this was doing was build, build, build. And then there’s just a cliff that wow. And so but I was in the middle of telling a joke. And I made the mistake of finishing the joke, I should have just been like, and I’m out. But I didn’t. Because it was I was like, I’m already in this, let’s do it. But it was, it was there were three people in the room of 100. And whatever people that were looking at me, the rest of them were like, I want my cake. And so 15 minutes later, I had to go back. And now they’re all sugared up, they have they got their cake, they got their coffee, whatever. And and you know, it was comedy is a difficult game to play, but it made it exceptionally more difficult, but it’s okay, because it was it was fun. And now I have another show this weekend, and I am beyond thrilled to start having shows again. Because there’s nothing I love more than going to a random room full of people an hour and a half away from my home and trying to get them to laugh at things. It’s, it’s, it’s a very, it’s a very strange thing to try to do. Hey, who are you? You don’t know me, but guess what? I’m gonna make you giggle and they’re like, or I don’t know if you will, and I’m like me either. Outro 12:42 The bumper podcast is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp with Natty Bumpercar and some of his pals. It is family friendly, clean and ridiculous. Thanks a bundle for listening. If you love our show, and you’d like to help support the podcast, check out our Patreon page at https colon forward slash forward slash www.patreon.com forward slash Natty Bumpercar also pretty please subscribe wherever you get your podcasts, share it with everyone everywhere. post about it on all of the social medias or leave a rating and review. The bumper podcast is produced at headquarters in coffee Ken alley. It’s recorded mixed and produced by producer. The bumper podcast features contributions from Aloysius jpg Rufus T Rufus doodle poodle, robot trunks and a gaggle of other silly rascals. Our head talker is probably Natty Bumpercar. We also have an absurd newsletter. Check it out and subscribe at Natty bumpercar.com/subscribe Also, you can follow me on Instagram and Twitter at Natty Bumpercar Hugs and hearts See you soon. NonPro 14:01 This has been a non productive media presentation, executive producer Frank Blaue. This program and many others like it on the nonproductive network is distributed under a Creative Commons Attribution non commercial no derivatives license, please share it but ask before trying to change it or sell it. For more information visit non dash productive.com Transcribed by https://otter.ai [/av_toggle] [/av_toggle_container]

April 30, 2022
Bumperpodcast #321 – Establishment

Here it is – the new podcast that everyone is talking about. The Bumperpodcast is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp around Headquarters, in Coffee-Can Alley, with Natty Bumpercar and his entire gaggle of pals!

Natty is thrilled to tell you all about the show where he got to perform for a hundred people for over an hour. But, Producer, Pig, and Rufus T. Rufus have other ideas…. Enjoy the thrills!

You should send us an email to bumperpodcast@nattybumpercar.com, or to call in and leave a message – 646.847.7976. We’re here and we’re listening!

Go like our Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/TheBumperpodcast/)!!

About This Episode

In this episode of Bumperpodcast, Natty Bumpercar excitedly recounts his recent stand-up comedy performance for about 100 people, where he performed for 45 minutes to an hour. Before the show, Natty experiences an uncanny "Dairy Queen intuition" and grabs a Blizzard for dinner. His comedy set features improvised material about the quirky town, including bird houses in the middle of a lake, confusing ice warning signs in April, and a wizard-like house with a giant gargoyle. Producer the frog keeps interrupting to announce his new ice cream establishment, while lawyer Rufus T. Rufus threatens legal action over unauthorized business name mentions. Despite the chaos and not getting through his entire set list, Natty expresses his joy at performing and his desire to do more shows like this one.

Memorable Quotes

“what kind of diet are you on uh me i'm on an off-putting diet that means i i can't eat no pudding”

— Aloysious J. Pig

“my stomach just out of nowhere it kind of raised its hand and it was like i feel like there's a dairy queen around here and i was like really stomach”

— Natty Bumpercar

“i'm going to ask you natty not to keep repeating the name of this ice cream establishment because they have not paid a fee”

— Rufus T. Rufus

Topics: #stand-upcomedy #icecream #performance #spring #smalltowns #improvisation #dairyqueen

Featuring: Producer, Aloysious J. Pig, Natty Bumpercar, Rufus T. Rufus

Full Transcript

Producer: oh hello it's me producer and i'm here to give you a taste of a podcast today so

Aloysious J. Pig: what are you doing producer oh you can't no you're not talking on the microphone yeah you stop stop talking on the microphone all right you go okay perfect thank you okay

Producer: it's been me producer and i'm going to go back behind the board food today okay okay thank you

Aloysious J. Pig: uh wow sorry about that everybody that was really off-putting off-putting hey what kind of your what kind of diet are you on uh me i'm on an off-putting diet that means i i can't eat no pudding uh again i apologize for that uh that was producer he's a little frog normally he ain't gonna come and talk on the microphone because it freaks people out it scares people his voice again it's off-putting his voice it doesn't eat pudding okay so it's spring around here i saw a bird i saw a bird and it was all like twiddly twit twit twit twit twit twit twit and then it coughed like that because it's been such a long winter and i guess it had a little

Natty Bumpercar: thanks i was i was struggling here yeah you were talking about so yeah it is almost spring around here we have nice spring showers we have nice spring weather and it's the sun comes out and sometimes there's no clouds but right now there are clouds and that's fine though but because you know what you know those clouds don't have in them they don't have snow finally no snow producer

Aloysious J. Pig: was in here earlier he was yeah what was he doing he was talking on a microphone come on producer what are you doing that's what i said i was just like brow you know you're more behind the scenes kind of a kind of a dude right you're not like me aloysius j pig soon to be on all the billboards soon to be on all the bumper stickers soon to be on all the postcards and all the push pins and all the button tops and all the flip flops here we go okay yeah i mean good point

Natty Bumpercar: yeah what you were doing i i enjoyed it if i'm to be honest that was a good song that you just came up with uh so yeah uh pig world famous producer awesome awesome guy uh but yeah yeah we don't yeah you know he can do periscope whenever he wants to uh but not the bumper podcast so hey everyone it's me natty bumper car natty bumper car natty bumper car n-a-t-t-y-b-u-m percar n-a-t-t-y-b-u-m percar natty bumper car that's me and um i'm here to talk to you about an amazing show i just did i'm so excited about i i got to perform stand-up comedy tell jokes for about a hundred people about a hundred people they were expecting 40 they got about a hundred that's more than double that's more than duble duble duble duble plus that's duble duble plus and then uh i i got there with the expectation of doing between 45 minutes and an hour that's 45 minutes to 60 minutes of me talking now you guys get to listen to roughly 12 minutes of me talking every week here on the bumper podcast those people got to listen to me talk for 45 minutes to an hour and i found the woman who uh who was organizing it i drove i drove about 45 minutes to some town that was in the middle of the city and i was like oh my god i'm gonna be like oh my god i'm gonna be i don't even remember what it was called at this point oh it's called height high highs heights i don't know i don't know i don't know it's not important story but i got down there and uh 45 minutes and when i got to town it was the weirdest thing my stomach just out of nowhere it kind of raised its hand and it was like i feel like there's a dairy queen around here and i was like really stomach this is something that really happened where my my i had dairy queen intuition if you don't know what dairy queen is it's uh an ice cream place they have like soft serve and they have blizzards and they have all kinds of yummy stuff dilly bars hello i see you uh and so i i i said to my stomach all right well let me check and i pulled out my little phone and i got the map out and i clicky clack it in there bam there it is a dairy queen four minutes away four minutes my brain my brain and my stomach just knew that this was a town this was an area that was going to have a

Rufus T. Rufus: dairy queen and and it was correct excuse me this is me rufus t rufus always on time and always with a rhyme you know i like to introduce myself not for y'all bumper bygasses but just in case anyone wants to look me up to the whole world procure my services for whatever kind of thing ails you in a lawyer kind of fashion in a manager kind of fashion if you want to know what i'm saying so i'm going to ask you natty not to keep repeating the name of this ice cream establishment because they have not paid a fee they have not paid a fare they have not paid nothing to me another rhyme put it on the board okay put it on that clickety clack and there we go so moving on okay i would ask that you simply refer to businesses and establishments by general terms such as i went to an ice cream parlor and done i went to a dog groomer you understand what i'm saying i had some grits at the restaurant no one needs to know the name of it my friend my friend my friend i want to go back on and do my thing it's time to shine it's time to sing so i'm going to say to y'all

Natty Bumpercar: okay thanks rufus t rufus so evidently moving forward i'm not allowed to say the name of businesses because they haven't given me money that's crazy i'll i mean yes no he's he's pointing at me so yes yes i totally agree with everything you just said so i drove over to the ice cream establishment and uh i actually had some time so i took a nap and i'm going to say to y'all and then i got up and i had a delicious ice cream treat a blizzard i had a blizzard with m&ms in it it was amazing and then i went to the show and uh i got there at like oh i got there at like 7 45 and i thought that the dinner was going to start at 8 but the dinner didn't even start until well no what's happening i went on at like 9 0 5 so i had so much fun i had so much fun i had so much time just and i wandered around the town and it was it was so great because i haven't done an hour in a long time and um that's a long time to talk to people when you're in a room and to keep their uh their their attention and to keep them laughing and having a good time and so i wanted to kind of settle my brain probably because i had ice cream for dinner too and um so i wandered around the town and i found all kinds of funny stuff that i was just like oh i'm gonna talk about this oh i'm gonna talk about that oh i'm gonna talk about this and so for the first 25 minutes or so maybe longer i just made fun of their not made fun of but i i brought attention to silly things in their town like there were these there are these bird feeders bird houses and they were in the middle of a lake right so you look at them and they were like out there and i was like why are there bird houses and they're like on poles in the middle of uh of a lake and i was like who is this like a challenge to the birds you're like hey bird you better get in this house because if you don't there's no ground beneath it and they were like this guy's funny and then there was a sign there was a in front of that same lake that said um caution ice too thin to skate and i was just like there's no ice it's april and i told him i went i got my skates and i tried to dip them into the pond and they went right in and they were just like this guy's he's talking about our town there's signs in our town uh i was i was a lot of was about the lake but i was walking around the lake and um what else was there there was a bat house and i so it was i was talking about the bat house and then i i had there was a big cool house it was like had all this uh stained glass and it looked like a wizard lived there and i looked up and there was a giant bronze or copper gargoyle on top of it like huge and and i was like you guys what's going on with that house and they were like he knows about that crazy house so but uh it was it was it was pretty fun and they had fun and i had fun and now i want to do it again and again

Producer: and again and again and again and again and again and again and again i'm so sorry to reintroduce myself hello everyone it's me producer and i just wanted to i remembered why i had come in here earlier it was because i wanted to tell you that i have actually opened my very own ice cream establishment and i would like for you all to come down now no i won't stop talking stop talking never stop you have to stop talking because don't you say something that i like happening

Aloysious J. Pig: don't you say um so anyway sorry about that producer evidently has an ice cream place i didn't even realize that

Natty Bumpercar: when i was talking about the ice cream place that i went to a year back yeah well of course i came

Rufus T. Rufus: back because i thought that we had a thoroughly established that it was no one uh getting the cold and Mommy i don't care and i don't know you said the right wordra the ice cream place the ice cream place the ice cream place was awesome this is a challenge it's a it Economists breathe it's nothing YO tell you i have got to say so that is not gonna be a pleasant day okay producer i would say that

Natty Bumpercar: you should probably run if you can or hop do whatever you got to do but i would get away from the situation as quickly as you can because he's serious whenever he goes to get his um briefcase it's gonna take him a while to go all the way out to his car and come back but i'm saying you should not be here and if he leaves any envelopes for you just avoid them don't don't don't touch them don't pick them up just avoid them um and anyway back to my story because i feel like that was supposed to be the whole focus of the episode because it's a bumper podcast it's not the producer is opening a frog ice cream podcast it's not rufus t rufus jumping down my throat because i was trying to talk about the things it's about me telling you that i had a lot of fun and i want to do bigger and better shows like that and the thing is i got to the end of it when i looked at i made a list i had eight jokes i didn't even get to and i was like how in that much time did i not get to it because i was playing around i was having fun i was making best friends but not best friends like you because you guys are the bumper podcast and i love you to pieces because you know what

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April 27, 2018
Bumperpodcast #320 – Tests

Here it is – the new podcast that everyone is talking about. The Bumperpodcast is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp around Headquarters, in Coffee-Can Alley, with Natty Bumpercar and his entire gaggle of pals!

The world is being tested my the universe – which is being tested by the multiverse – which is on the head of a needle being used to crochet a macrame owl – and for the moment, Bumpercar is ready to ride the storm. Hang on, kittens!

You should send us an email to bumperpodcast@nattybumpercar.com, or to call in and leave a message – 646.847.7976. We’re here and we’re listening!

Go like our Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/TheBumperpodcast/)!!

About This Episode

In episode 320 of Bumperpodcast, host Natty Bumpercar reflects on surviving life's tests, particularly a rough week at headquarters. After a water sensor alerts him to flooding, Natty rushes home to discover two inches of water in his basement—triggering traumatic memories of a much worse flood from four years ago. The episode takes a comedic turn as Natty recounts his heartbreaking battle with an REI employee over a beloved torn jacket that fell just outside warranty coverage. He also shares college-era stories of creative problem-solving at a Wendy's salad bar and announces his upcoming stand-up comedy show where he'll perform a full hour of material. Throughout the episode, Natty's storytelling blends vulnerability with humor as he navigates basement disasters, retail disappointments, and the challenges of parenthood.

Memorable Quotes

“He put his hand on my shoulder and he said ma what's wrong with that what's wrong with that that's how he used to talk to me”

— Natty Bumpercar

“I'm not a missy elliott video from the aughts i'm not okay i want my jacket”

— Natty Bumpercar

“Daddy is kind of like peter rabbit but without the vest”

— Natty Bumpercar

Topics: #flooding #homedisasters #parenting #retailexperiences #stand-upcomedy #collegestories #lifechallenges

Featuring: Natty Bumpercar

Full Transcript

Natty Bumpercar: so this is a test this is a test i feel from the universe from everything around me from everything around you what am i talking about well do you feel like every so often uh something bad happens right and then inexplicably another bad thing happens and then another bad thing and then another bad thing to the point where they're all piling up on top of each other and you're like why is all this bad stuff happening at the same time and then you're like ah if you're self-aware enough that is you go ah this is a test i'm being tested for what i don't know how do you pass you muddle through for me here's what my week was this week we had a lot of rain up here at headquarters and uh i got an alert because i had installed a doodad in my basement a water sniffing doodad and i got an alert at 11 17 in the morning water water water water water in the basement so i ran home i got here at 11 44 so that's a difference of oh i don't know i don't know like 30 30 minutes 28 minutes i don't know i can't count 27 minutes i'm just guessing at this point but i got home as quick as i could two inches of water in the basement now anyone who's listening to the bumper podcast for years and years and years knows that we love our house but three weeks after we moved into our house we got two feet two feet of water in our basement which is insane that's a banana's amount of water that was four years ago still traumatized by it lost a lot of stuff my art studio was down here and um i still remember i was i was cleaning and cleaning and cleaning but then there was a point where i was so exhausted that i was sitting on on the stairs leading down to the basement head and hands and uh emerson who at that point would have been like four and that means that ollie would have been like one oh babies uh emerson came down and put his hand on my shoulder and he said ma what's wrong with that what's wrong with that's how he used to talk to me ma what's wrong with that what's wrong with that these you call me dad which is a sweet thing to call if you ever have hey if you're ever a kid and you want to go up to talk to your father call him dad it's a nice thing hey dad hey dad what are we doing dad i love you dad i can't stand you dad get out of my room dad uh and he put his hand and he said what's what's wrong dad are you sad and i just i was i was actually i was sobbing because i was so so so overwhelmed and so sad and i i just kind of put my hand on his hand and i said yeah buddy daddy is sad um but this time you know we got two inches away and we threw away so much stuff but this time uh you know you live you learn we had most stuff pretty higher up uh he lost a basket of clothes and by the time i got home i was like oh my god i'm gonna die i'm gonna die lost i mean i had to rewash them um and then there were some uh a lot of stuff is in those those those plastic bins uh but there were you know there were a few things got thrown away the issue is and i don't know how it didn't happen last time because we had so much more water um like it was so deep last time that when i was i was down here working in it it was it was almost to my knee like it's it's that's it's it was insane how much water there was um but this time you know you're walking around and you're walking around and you're walking around and you're walking around in it and using the wet back and everything and uh uh but it's now we did not have this last time have it this time the smell oh the smell which is bad because that it's a moldy smell and i do not want mold in my house because i have asthma and my kid has asthma and mold is bad so because especially i mean we have a the humidifier going dehumidifier i'm glad it's not a humidifier where um and we have some fans going but oh the smell it's brutal so yeah so that happened and then like uh maybe i'm gonna say a day or two after that i have a jacket it's from from a store called rei that i go to and i never buy anything because i can't afford it but i always look at the stuff and i'm like oh this stuff is neat look at all this neat stuff that they have and at some point someone uh gave me a membership to rei uh which i guess means you get special sales and deals and i don't really understand what it means but they always say are you a member and it's like a an exclusive club and so i feel like i'm like yeah i'm a member i'm a member i don't know what that means but i love being a member and and i got a jacket like a uh well it turns out it was one year and 17 days ago how do i know this because their uh warranty policy lasts for one year of course it doesn't last for one year and 17 days how do i know this well i went to zip my jacket up last week and the zipper caught the inside of the jacket and ripped the whole jacket and i was just like oh no no no no no no no no no my jacket i love my jacket my favorite little jacket and it was blue i love it and it was orange on the inside it was the best oh oh jacket and so i called the the phone number and i explained my situation and the the woman was just like oh well that's just not right that's just not right at all you need to take that check is there an rei near you and i was like yeah there's an rei dear me and she's like well you need to just take it over and tell them what you told me and it's gonna work it is gonna work out and i was like okay so i went to the store waited in line got to the front and i i made sure i didn't want to wear my jacket into the store because i wanted them to understand that this jacket was unwearable at this point and uh so i got to the front and i was just like hey blah blah blah here's my story here's the rip and they were like oh well do you are you a member and i was like yeah yeah yeah i'm a member and so then she looked me up and then she's like i found the purchase and i was like i knew you would and uh and and then she was like all right well let's uh figure out uh how to get you a replacement and i was like okay i need a replacement and so she uh starts looking through the computer and uh no they don't have my size they don't make it anymore all they have is 2xl and 6xl or something crazy like that and i was like i guess i could try the 2xl and she was like you can't and i was like please i want my jacket i want my jacket so i was like all right so she put you know the money back on my credit card but then i don't have a jacket and then i uh i'm wandering around the store and they don't have jackets because it's not jacket season anymore they've gotten rid of all their jackets and here's the thing i don't have a jacket i don't have a jacket i don't have anything with rei jackets most of them are like these poofy puffy things i don't like poofy puffy most of them also are shiny i don't want a shiny jacket i'm not a missy elliott video from the the aughts i'm not okay i want my jacket the reason i liked it because it wasn't shiny and it wasn't poofy puffy and and i went back to the register and i was like oh i don't i don't see anything right you know and my jacket was still there and she was like okay well you know you got your money back so you can just uh you know keep looking and maybe you'll find something soon i was like okay and then my hand landed i put my hand on my jacket and she and she starts she pulled it away she was like and you know it's like it's it's time it's gone he's he he didn't make it your jacket let me have your jacket and i was like no and she's like let me have i was like no so i wish that i uh you know what i should have done i should have camped out by the the garbage can and uh and been like i bet they're gonna throw my jacket away because then i could have gotten the money back and and worn a garbage jacket as well i would have done that i have no problem no problem at all i uh one time here's an old story that you know you've never heard before i was in college and um i'd gone spelunking which is i'd gone caving you go into a cave i'll tell you that story another day because it's terrifying and i'm don't want you to do it because it's a bad idea but i was in i think it was in north carolina or tennessee or south carolina or alabama or virginia i don't know where i was let's just i think that we should establish that i was somewhere in the south and i'm gonna say south carolina actually and uh and and and we we did this the caving spelunking and then we went to uh wendy's and at that time wendy's the restaurant had a salad bar it was all you can eat salad bar uh but i was not a man of means i had no money and i had some mud on me because i had been in the cave and um so we get there and i was just like ah i don't know what to do don't know what to do i looked over and their garbage can had kind of filled up uh a bit and on top of the garbage can so they had special trays that you would use or plates for the uh for the all you can eat salad bar and somebody had um they just put their tray and it had two plates uh from the salad bar right on top so it wasn't in the garbage but it was you know part of the garbage because it was on top of the garbage uh and they both plates were relatively clean so my friend and i who i was with at the time we looked at each other and we kind of shrugged and we're like yeah yeah should we should we yeah we should do this we should definitely do this we got some uh some napkins cleaned them up and then uh i think you know because we didn't want to be complete scalawags we went we bought some biggie drinks or something like that i wanted i would like a beverage please probably some tea because i do love tea and uh and then we proceeded to uh to eat from the uh all you can eat uh salad bar so those were different times in my life uh these are stories that i don't necessarily want my kids to hear or maybe i do i don't know i don't i do i not i don't i don't know because it's kind of like a hey you can make it if you try type of story but it's also like a ah daddy kind of swiped some salad so ah but then they saw that peter rabbit movie that recently came out and peter rabbit was all about swiping that salad so i guess if they ever called me on it i could be like daddy is kind of like peter rabbit but without the vest and they'd be like i see where you're i like what you're screaming here i like what you're saying so what else is going on i have a show this weekend this very weekend and i am doing an hour an hour of stand-up comedy that means i get to stand in front of people and talk to them for an hour and hopefully they will laugh for some portion of that uh it's by far the longest i've ever done i'm super excited i don't have any details on this show somebody was like where's it at and i was like i don't know what time you have to be there i don't know all i know is that it's saturday and uh i have i've been paid already which is nice and um and i do keep i keep emailing the people hey hey can you send me some details some deets i call them deets on this thing and they're like sure deets are coming i'm like cool it's it's it'd be great if they would be here now just so i can buy all that stuff away in my brain so i don't have to freak out about it quite as much uh and so that's this weekend i'm sure i'll tell you all about it next week and then uh last night i went to a show and i wasn't supposed to be on it i was supposed to help somebody with web stuff but two comedians didn't show up and so i got thrown up uh the second comic and it was a blast and it was in a bar and there were tvs on but it was still fun but not as fun as you

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April 19, 2018