Tag: Beach

  • Bumperpodcast #445 – Season 3 – Boliver

    Bumperpodcast #445 – Season 3 – Boliver

    Tune in to the latest episode of the Bumperpodcast, the beloved improvised comedy podcast set in the whimsical town of Coffee-Can Alley. In this hilarious installment, Natty Bumpercar is joined by the young and energetic Boliver. As the episode unfolds, familiar faces like Rufus T. Rufus, Producer, and Aloysius J. Pig make their entrances, turning the chat into a comedic whirlwind. The gang discusses the latest happenings in Coffee-Can Alley, delivering laughs and surprises with their trademark wit and spontaneity. Don’t miss this fun-filled episode that captures the essence of the Bumperpodcast’s unique humor and charm.

    You should send us an email to bumperpodcast@nattybumpercar.com. We’re here and we’re listening!

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    Transcription

    Natty Bumpercar 0:00
    I’m so strange, so strange. So strange yesterday, I kind of died a little bit, which is I know a strange way to start a podcast, especially the bumper podcast, by the way. Hello, everyone. This is Natty Bumpercar. And this is the bumper podcast, your weekly jump into fun, Ray. And so let’s start it off with with that yesterday. Well, first of all, so I don’t know where anyone is here at the bumper podcast. I haven’t seen pig. I haven’t seen Rufus. I haven’t seen producer and doodle poodle, anybody for weeks. And I come in, and I just kind of click on record and it seems to be working. I mean, the thing is, Do I even need producer? I don’t know, I honestly don’t know. But that is not the question for today. To question for today is what in the world happened yesterday? What in the world? Well, I got up. And I took one of the kids to school. And then I came home back to headquarters here. And I had a little sip of water because water is good for you in the morning. And then the one of the other one of the kids had left, like a little glass of orange juice on the table, and not very much at all. But I was like, oh, I’ll just finish that. Because as a parent, I’m a vulture, and I just go and I finish off whatever the food is, it’s left around. And then I went upstairs and I was gonna go back to bed because I was tired. And it was Monday. And on Mondays. Sometimes I pass out because the weekends are so much fun. That’s what it is. I’m so tired from all the fun that weekends are. I used to love weekends growing up. I remember man, I’d be like, Oh, I can’t wait for the weekend. Everybody’s everybody’s working for the weekend. Here we go. It’s Saturday morning. Whoo. I’m gonna sleep in and then I’m gonna do fun stuff. And now it’s just like, oh, no, no, as a parent, the weekends got in the way it gets here. Oh, no. And then Monday comes in. I’m tired. But so I got into bed. And my hands were weirdly itchy. Like, I was like, What is going on hands? Why are you so itchy. And they were kind of dry. And so I was like, alright, I’ll just go, you know, like, put some lotion on him. And that’ll that’ll fix that. And then I started to feel and this was happening pretty rapidly. My my lip was feeling kind of weird. And it’s like, All right, well, let’s go check it see. And so I went to the bathroom, and I was I was looking for the lotion, and then I shut the mirror. That’s where it is. And I saw my face. And my lip was gigantic, and purple. And my eyes like were swollen almost to being shut and they were bright red. And then not only was the rest of my face, very swollen. But I noticed that my tongue swollen, my throat swollen and the breathing. The breathing was not good. And so I I grabbed my rescue inhaler, and I did the did that. Just hopefully I was like alright, this will open up my airways. And then I was just like, alright, calmly, calmly. Let’s find the shoes. Let’s make sure we have all the stuff the wallet, the phone, the keys are right. Where’s the jacket? Perfect. Let’s go downstairs. Let’s get to the car. Let’s go to the closest urgent care and I was doing this all as the everything was getting much worse. Like the breathing was just like and the like the tongue it was. I don’t I don’t like tongues. I don’t like to talk about tongues. I think they’re weird and kind of gross. But the tongue was a lot. It was a lot more than it’s supposed to be. And I also I couldn’t talk and so really just around the corner not I would say maybe is three quarters of a mile away from the house is is an urgent care. There’s one that’s closer, which is a CVS, but I looked on the thing and they were not open yet. And so I went to the other one. And at a light, there’s two lights in between my house in this place. So at the second light, it was red light. And so I texted my wife and I was just like, Hi, I’m having an allergic reaction. We’re going to urgent care, period. That’s all I saw at time, then the light turned her send light green, off, we go to the urgent care, get to the urgent care Park can’t breathe, like really can’t breathe, stumble into the place, lumbar into the place. There’s no one there. And I look around. And I guess they heard me come in. And so a woman came, you know, behind the desk, and her eyes got enormous. And she said, can I please have your ID? And I was just like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, because it couldn’t talk. I couldn’t speak at all like, rules. No, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, is how I sounded. But worse than that. And then the woman who there’s another woman who kind of looked in and she was like, get him back here now. And they got me back there sat me in the chair and started taking doing my blood. What is the oxygen levels and the thing around my arm to check my blood pressure, and all these things? And it was great. But they were running around like chickens. They were just running around in circles, like, what do we do? What do we do? It’s Monday morning. This is the first guy that comes in what? It’s not a good way to start a week called labor ambulance call the man ambulance quickly. And so the ambulance comes, but it took them about, I want to say eight minutes. I don’t know pretty sure it could have died that eight minutes. And so they get there. And they’re like, should we do an EpiPen? Do we need to do what have you been? And they’re like, get them on the stretcher. It was all very like, but do this. Gotta do this, get into that. And I, they got me on the stretcher. And they were asking all these questions. And they asked me to write down my phone number because I couldn’t say it. And I wrote mine. And then I wrote my wife’s number. And then I said, I was trying to say hold on do you want me to call my wife but they couldn’t understand it because it came out like this rah rah, love, love. And so I took my phone, they were like, We don’t know what you’re saying. So I took my phone and I pressed the you know, I was like call wife. And then I handed them the phone. And then she got a call from a police officer. And you know, when you get that call, it’s scary. And so she you know, I was talking to him about the situation what was going on? Should she come back? And I was like, No, I got this, you know, and then I get whisked to the ambulance. And they put an IV in me and then it’s Benadryl. And then things start to come down a little bit. They were debating whether to do the epi pen or not. And epi pen is like, the guy was telling me about it. And I wish you wouldn’t have it’s a it’s a tube with a giant needle, he said, giant needle that they jam into your leg and then, you know, like, whatever. And it’s what they do. When I guess you’re going into anaphylaxis, which is not good thing. So they, they were going to wait until we got to the emergency room because they were kind of monitoring everything. And I was I still somehow was getting oxygen. Even though I the breathing was just like wow, right, very rapid. And we got to the emergency room on the thing, and then they get me in there and then they start pumping me full of all kinds of other stuff. And you know, I was plugged in, I’ve got tubes, I’ve got things in my fingers things. There was this a lot. And I ended up being at the hospital for like 10 hours. And because they it was it wouldn’t the swelling wouldn’t go down. Like it was very slow, like, my face would get a little bit better. And I realized that about like, three o’clock that I hadn’t eaten anything since pretty much five o’clock the last day and I was just like and they’re like, What, and that’s because everybody was like What What are you saying what? I’m sure. And they were like, oh food. We have two two sandwiches. I was like, oh, not and they gay and then I just like everyone, Apple car or, or yoga. And they’re like, ah, applesauce, we can give you applesauce and I was like oh Huh.

    And I’m texting, you know, people updates. This is what’s happening. This is where I am, this is what’s going on yada, yada. I’ll give you updates as I have them. Yeah, and one of the annoying things was I couldn’t go to the bathroom because of these things tied into me. But eventually I was I was like, I was like, the bathroom. And they were like, okay, hold on, well, unclick you unclick I click, I click. And she’s like, okay, it’s doors right down there. And, and I started walking out of the room. They asked me if I could and I said yes. And I got like two feet out of the room, they had forgotten to unplug, like, some major thing. And it knocked me back. And it almost, and the equipment, like almost fell over. And like, so everyone in the emergency room was like, gasp it says everything. Okay? And I was just like, they were like, Oh, we’re sorry. And then I, you know, I use bathroom. And then like, a couple hours later, things were down enough. My face was okay. And they were like, Okay, you seem good. Okay, called the wife. She and the kids came and got me. And I Yeah, you know, it’s better. Now I was given all kinds of medicine, I’m going to see an allergist, see what happened. And because it was very random, and the only thing that we could figure out was it was this orange juice, because that was all I had. And we were looking at the bottle and it was orange juice that had calcium in it. And then I started researching, and it seems like calcium citrate or calcium phosphate, or some of the things that they put into the orange juice that I maybe had a bad reaction to. And so it was a pretty fun day, pretty much everyone thought that I was going to be dead or die or whatever. And my main fear was that they were going to intubate me. So put like a tube in my throat so that I could breathe, because then my fear was, well what is my voice sound like? Like, how is this going to impact how my voice sounds which I use my voice for a lot of things, talking being one of them, but now it’s all fixed except for the cleanup and the tears.

    Outro 12:42
    The bumper podcast is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp with Natty Bumpercar and some of his pals. It is family friendly, clean and ridiculous. Thanks a bundle for listening. If you love our show, and you’d like to help support the podcast, check out our Patreon page at https colon forward slash forward slash www.patreon.com forward slash Natty Bumpercar also pretty please subscribe wherever you get your podcasts, share it with everyone everywhere. post about it on all of the social medias or leave a rating and review. The bumper podcast is produced at headquarters in coffee Ken alley. It’s recorded mixed and produced by producer. The bumper podcast features contributions from Aloysius jpg Rufus T Rufus doodle poodle, robot trunks and a gaggle of other silly rascals. Our head talker is probably Natty Bumpercar. We also have an absurd newsletter. Check it out and subscribe at Natty bumpercar.com/subscribe Also, you can follow me on Instagram and Twitter at Natty Bumpercar Hugs and hearts See you soon.

    NonPro 14:01
    This has been a non productive media presentation, executive producer Franco Blaue. This program and many others like it on the nonproductive network is distributed under a Creative Commons Attribution non commercial no derivatives license. Please share it but ask before trying to change it or sell it. For more information visit non dash productive.com

    About This Episode

    In Bumperpodcast episode 445, Natty Bumpercar brings in a fresh face after the chaotic previous week – his son Ollie joins the show as a guest co-host. After a mishap involving a hanging chair accident, the conversation flows from beach adventures and fish poop to the invention of "swim-jamas" – pajamas you can swim in. The duo brainstorm absurd ideas including throwing kids in washing machines to get clean. When Rufus T. Rufus shows up, things take a hilarious turn as Ollie interviews for his first job as the podcast's security guard, despite having zero experience in surveillance. This charming, silly episode showcases the improvised father-son banter that makes Bumperpodcast a delightfully ridiculous family comedy.

    Memorable Quotes

    “I have practice fighting people… the practice is my brother every time he barges in my room.”

    — Ollie

    “We would hose you off once a week to get the stink out. And it'd be great.”

    — Natty Bumpercar

    “What happened to all the people who was talking last week? Well, we had to get rid of them.”

    — Rufus T. Rufus

    Topics: #summer #beach #swimming #family #firstjob #inventions #fatherson #interview

    Featuring: Natty Bumpercar, Ollie, Rufus T. Rufus, Producer

    Full Transcript

    Natty Bumpercar: well well well that was loud huh yes yeah oh wait who are you your son oh that's nice remember you gotta face up that way oh right yeah um well everybody after the terrible episode of last week we have decided to start fresh get rid of all the characters and um we have brought in this new gentleman uh how's it going uh pretty good i fell from what's that thing called again like it's a hammock um yeah okay yeah ollie is in the studio here and i have one of those chairs that hangs from the ceiling and you can sit in it it's like a swing and it's soft and comfy and great and while i was over here getting the wires set up and getting everything um ready he was on the chair i'll let you take it from there i was spinning around in it and then it just fell you were oh wait a minute you were spinning interesting i didn't know that part now i feel like it's operator error nothing okay you know what that means um no i was just trying to say was all your fault what you never learned how to float i did you years of my life trying to teach you the the the magic of floating and you just fell right to the ground well okay then you float i mean i can't right now because the equipment and it would mess everything up but i you know yeah late later later we'll do i'll do i'll show you some and for me it's tough because i can only do it at night when people really can't see so you know i'll but i'll do it tonight

    Ollie: interesting

    Natty Bumpercar: interesting right now what did you do yesterday uh we went to the beach i love the beach did you have fun yeah what did you do went in the water oh you went into the water yes do you know what what's in the water do you know what happens in the water uh there's fish poop in the water i was i wasn't gonna I wasn't going to go there, but wow. This is a kid's show, Ollie. And you're over here talking about fish. They go into the bathroom. Oh, I don't even know what to think. You are correct. I guess there is probably some fish poop somewhere. But so were there waves?

    Ollie: Yes.

    Natty Bumpercar: Big waves?

    Ollie: Yes.

    Natty Bumpercar: And did you, like, play with them, jump at them?

    Ollie: Yeah, I jumped at them. Sometimes I jumped over them. Over? Yeah, I jumped through them at least. I don't know how to say it.

    Natty Bumpercar: Oh, like you would dive through the waves?

    Ollie: Yeah, and then a bigger wave would come, and then I would just be under the water.

    Natty Bumpercar: Yeah, I saw you get knocked over a few times.

    Ollie: Yeah.

    Natty Bumpercar: Did it hurt?

    Ollie: Yeah.

    Natty Bumpercar: Now. What hurt worse? Getting knocked over by the waves or having the chair drop you on the ground?

    Ollie: The chair.

    Natty Bumpercar: The chair. Yeah, that makes sense. Why are you here today? Shouldn't you be at your job?

    Ollie: It was a snow day.

    Natty Bumpercar: It's June. It's June, and you were at the beach yesterday? And I'm supposed to believe that it's… It's now a snow day?

    Ollie: Uh, because it's summer, maybe?

    Natty Bumpercar: Is it summer?

    Ollie: Yes, it is summer.

    Natty Bumpercar: Oh. Oh. Interesting. So you're not going to go, um, to Australia?

    Ollie: Uh, no.

    Natty Bumpercar: Okay. All right. Uh, you're not going to take that trip to the moon?

    Ollie: No.

    Natty Bumpercar: Okay. Uh, what are your big plans for the summer?

    Ollie: Um, more swimming.

    Natty Bumpercar: More swimming. All right. Do you think you're going to wear pajamas the entire summer?

    Ollie: Maybe.

    Natty Bumpercar: Um, are there such things as swim-jamas?

    Ollie: No.

    Natty Bumpercar: And if there's not, should we invent them?

    Ollie: Maybe. I don't know.

    Natty Bumpercar: Yeah, so then you could…

    Ollie: Could we?

    Natty Bumpercar: Wake up, you're wearing your swim-jamas, you hop in the pool, and then you get out, and you're still… You're still wearing your swim-jamas?

    Ollie: Yeah, that sounds like a good idea.

    Natty Bumpercar: And they're, like, nice and soft, but they also dry really quickly.

    Ollie: Yeah.

    Natty Bumpercar: Yeah. And they could be, like, uh, second skin. You just never take them off.

    Ollie: Well, wouldn't they get really stinky and dirty?

    Natty Bumpercar: Oh, I mean, you'd wear them in the shower. We'd hose… We would hose you off once a week to get the stink out. And, uh, it'd be great.

    Ollie: I have a better idea for how we could get the stink off.

    Natty Bumpercar: Okay. Okay. I'm open. You know I'm… I love ideas. I'm open to ideas. So what is your idea?

    Ollie: Uh… To throw me in the washing machine?

    Natty Bumpercar: Wait a minute. That's actually not a bad idea. As long as we don't use the, um, hot water, then I think we'll be okay.

    Ollie: Yeah. I think… I think that's a good idea.

    Natty Bumpercar: Oh, your hair would get clean. I bet your teeth would get clean. Like, everything. It'd be amazing.

    Ollie: Yeah.

    Natty Bumpercar: Why don't we invent a, um… I don't know. Like, a… A thing that kids can get into that will make them clean. Um… What will we call it?

    Ollie: Hmm. Maybe a bath?

    Natty Bumpercar: A bath? Okay. I was thinking… Outdoor shower? Hmm.

    Ollie: What do you think of that? Maybe. That sounds like a good idea.

    Natty Bumpercar: Um…

    Ollie: So, let me think. You're…

    Natty Bumpercar: Uh… Wait. Hold on. Who's that? Hey, uh… He… Uh…

    Rufus T. Rufus: Who's… Who's the kid? Who's the kid? What's he doing here? Hey. I ain't seen you in a long time. What's going on, bud? Uh… Not a lot. Hold on. Hey, pig.

    Ollie: Are you…

    Natty Bumpercar: Do you see Ollie? He's over here? Yeah. Yeah.

    Rufus T. Rufus: I was just talking to him. He's on a microphone? Why? What happened to all the people who was talking last week? Well, we had to get rid of them. Ollie, did you listen to the episode from last week? Yeah. What did you think?

    Natty Bumpercar: Chaos. Well, uh… Hey. This is, uh… Rufus. T. Rufus. The lawyer. And I gotta say, I also, uh… Made an attempt to listen to him.

    Ollie: Uh… Uh…

    Rufus T. Rufus: Uh… Uh… Uh… Uh… Uh… Uh… Uh… Uh… Uh… Uh…

    Natty Bumpercar: like i would see people and uh very excitedly i would say did you listen to the uh last episode of the bumper podcast and they would be like yeah and i'd be like it was really bad right and they wondered why i was so excited you know i i think we need to improve the security

    Rufus T. Rufus: is there is there any security anyway who's gonna be security i don't know do we have anybody

    Ollie: that we could what is what was that like siri just activate i don't i was i heard something

    Rufus T. Rufus: maybe maybe she wants to be security is that i don't think she'd be very good security yeah um are you do you want to take over the job possibly oh okay okay now if you was secure

    Producer: this is your interview all right all right hold on we're gonna start doing interviews okay hold on i just want to make sure i can record all of this um alec can you talking to the microphone okay oh that's perfect it's actually really wonderful okay you can play

    Rufus T. Rufus: a scene with your interview um thanks producer so uh what are your qualifications um i have practice fighting people you have practice uh fighting people yeah the practice is my brother every time he barges in my room oh so you're skilled in the arts yeah you're of fighting yeah but it doesn't get into a room often yeah all right so he gets into your room often now do you have any kind of experience with surveillance no okay you know there's no right or wrong answer to any of these questions i'm just kind of making sure we cover every every everything do you have an idea of a salary

    Natty Bumpercar: that you would like um hold on pig did ollie do you know what uh salary is uh a type of food ah no that would be celery um yeah so salary is like how much do you get paid in a year oh yeah so do you have any he was asking like how much would you like to get paid a year yeah that's typically how they how they do it uh 200 hold on two hundred dollars yeah

    Rufus T. Rufus: did he just say 200 i think we got that in the budget for the whole year yeah it's like this 500 days in the year so he's getting paid like uh what a quarter a day uh yeah hold on rufus is any of this legal well hold on now how old is is is is the boy um that's counting hold on 11 you're 11 years old uh i gotta look into the law baby mom i got a whole table lot

    Natty Bumpercar: everything planned out and we gotta take care love don't worry about this breecık uh halfway across the street my love if you want wes a free camera maybe show it to model

    Ollie: i'll take care j driver but i'm pretty sure it's uh not gonna be a problem wow ollie it sounds like it you got first uh summer job are you excited yeah uh oh security for the bumper vehicles finally i can't believe you have a future ahead of you what do you think i'm happy you're happy you're happy whoop whoop whoop whoop um might i talk to pigs again we'll talk to pigs someday

    Producer: the pig for a second. The Bumper Podcast is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp with Natty Bumpercar and some of his pals. It is family-friendly, clean, and ridiculous. Thanks a bundle for listening. If you love our show and you'd like to help support the podcast, check out our Patreon page at https://www.patreon.com forward slash Natty Bumpercar. Also, pretty please subscribe wherever you get your podcasts, share it with everyone everywhere, post about it on all of the social medias, or leave a rating and review. The Bumper Podcast is produced at headquarters in Coffee Can Alley. It's recorded, mixed, and produced by producer. The Bumper Podcast features contributions from Aloysius J. Pig, Rufus T. Rufus, Doodle Poodle, Robot, Trunks, and a gaggle of other silly rascals. Our head talker is probably Natty Bumpercar. We also have an absurd newsletter. Check it out and subscribe at nattybumpercar.com slash subscribe. Also, you can follow me on Instagram and Twitter at Natty Bumpercar. Hugs and hearts. See you soon.

  • Bumperpodcast #421 – Season 2 – Doldrums

    Bumperpodcast #421 – Season 2 – Doldrums

    Have you ever heard of the doldrums? Have you ever even seen the doldrums? Well, you’re about to! The Bumperpodcast with Natty Bumpercar is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp around Headquarters, in Coffee-Can Alley, with Natty Bumpercar and his entire gaggle of pals! You should send us an email to bumperpodcast@nattybumpercar.com. We’re here and we’re listening! Go like our Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/TheBumperpodcast/)!! Also, The Bumperpodcast can now be found on the https://non-productive.com/ network. Yay!!!! Also, also, we have a Patreon page now!!! https://www.patreon.com/nattybumpercar Another story about saving baby animals! A feel good story! Previous episode!

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    [av_toggle_container faq_markup=’faq_markup’ initial=’0′ mode=’accordion’ sort=” styling=” colors=” font_color=” background_color=” border_color=” toggle_icon_color=” colors_current=” font_color_current=” toggle_icon_color_current=” background_current=” background_color_current=” background_gradient_current_direction=’vertical’ background_gradient_current_color1=” background_gradient_current_color2=” background_gradient_current_color3=” hover_colors=” hover_font_color=” hover_background_color=” hover_toggle_icon_color=” size-toggle=” av-desktop-font-size-toggle=” av-medium-font-size-toggle=” av-small-font-size-toggle=” av-mini-font-size-toggle=” size-content=” av-desktop-font-size-content=” av-medium-font-size-content=” av-small-font-size-content=” av-mini-font-size-content=” heading_tag=” heading_class=” alb_description=” id=” custom_class=” template_class=” av_uid=’av-l8k9brqu’ sc_version=’1.0′ admin_preview_bg=”] [av_toggle title=’Show Transcript:’ tags=” custom_id=” av_uid=’av-l8k9bqdc’ sc_version=’1.0′] Natty Bumpercar 0:09 We haven’t had a beat like this in a while oh let’s just take this out all right here we go Aloysius J. Pig 0:19 what a call me Allah wishes and I am a piggy I moved from the farm to the big city they will call my name but it ain’t no pity they call me I say hey pretty big he Natty Bumpercar 0:27 asleep on the stream see asleep on the train? I know it sounds silly or noisy. But I worry where we weren’t going where I’m stressed why we were worried to the boiler room bro Aloysius J. Pig 0:36 don’t worry just know that I got this Producer 0:40 man forcing your life or seeing your nose driving because I thought I’m a mental frog who would do this? Because everybody everybody who’s with me now everybody everybody who’s with me now no raise your hand up to this guy and turn Aloysius J. Pig 1:26 my car on see people call me your highness. Don’t get it twisted, bro. I’m just worried about I’m allergic to shyness which is Producer 1:35 priceless. Price hurt. Everybody knows us priceless. Aloysius J. Pig 1:39 egg sack to mouth Dow Producer 1:43 soaring in Europe in the car because I can think this year my addicted to sugar. That’s why I’m so sweet. I love fruits and veggies. I never eat meat. On the sidewalks. The bikes go on street they stopped any snow. They covered stuff. When I’m rocking the mic, you know rock beats Aloysius J. Pig 1:56 actually impressed? I’m very impressed. Very impressed. Very impressed with you. And all the rides and the music stuff you do. You’re given an array can take no more. Okay, better stick around for what we have in store. Oh, oh, oh. Natty Bumpercar 2:29 1234 Holy, that was such a great way to kick the summer doldrums out. Thank you, ah, normally, every year that I’ve been doing this, which is over a decade now, August into September is brutal. And we only record like, a half an episode, if even that, and this year, you know, I think we did miss a couple of weeks because we were at the beach and whatever. But like, it’s I think, you know, we made up for it with this amazing song. I don’t, I don’t know if that’s like, just the podcast, or just everything, you know, like, you grow up, and you have your seasons, and you have your summer, which comes around and it’s ingrained on us as kids that summer is this magical time and you’re not in school, and you get to go and have all these adventures and you’re going on vacation and you’re hanging out with your friends, and you’re in the pool. And then the summer comes to a close, the summer comes to an end and you get sad. And things start to slow down and you kind of start to get a little nostalgic, and you start to look back on the things you did this summer. And, and maybe the things you missed out on and the things you used to do during the summer. And you know the things that you you miss from from from the past. And then maybe you get a little bubble of nerves that you’re going to be going back to school. And and you don’t know who’s going to be in your class and who’s who’s who’s going to be your teacher? And What room are you going to be in and what are you going to wear and what are you going to learn and what if you can’t learn it and then it becomes like this big well of anxiety and, and nerves. And it’s so different from the summer where everything is is easy, and fun and light knits you’re going back to structure. And some people do pretty well with structure. I sometimes do. But a lot of the times I don’t my brain just doesn’t seem to be able to make sense of structure, mostly because it’s a structure that someone else has invented for their minds. Does that make sense? The people who make structure, for the most part, are making structure that makes sense to them. And a lot of the times that structure makes sense for a lot of other people, but then there’s a lot of other other people that it doesn’t make sense for. And so, if you’re on the outside of the structure that’s been created, then you’re gonna be confused, and maybe even bemused. And several other used uses, probably, and, you know, for those other other people, then you have to find your way. And sometimes society isn’t super awesome at making roads or paths or ways for the other other people to pick up or figure out how to interact or to deal or to live within or just to be in in the structure. And unless you have on understanding helpful stewards to help you through all of that, then it becomes very difficult. And you spend a lot of time seemingly fighting against the structure. That’s what people sometimes think they go, Oh, why is this person fighting against the structure? Why can’t they just be normal? Oh, why can’t they just be part of the, of what everyone else is doing getting step getting in line? Is they don’t understand that. to that person, that line doesn’t make sense. to that person. What you have written up there on the board? Doesn’t make sense. I mean, that person is looking at it, that person is trying to make sense of it. But it just doesn’t work. It’s not seeming to make any sense to, to to their brain. And by they I am I mean, me, but a lot of other people too. And that’s okay. Man, my opinion. Everyone is everyone, everyone’s individual, right? Everyone comes from things from different directions. Everyone has different experiences in their life. Everyone has different perspectives. And that’s what makes the world awesome. If everyone saw things in the exact same way, and everyone did things in the exact same way, well, then where were the fun in that be? Going to mix it up a little bit every every so often. But here’s the thing. Sometimes when you mix it up, the people who are used to the structure who liked the structure, get upset. They’re like, hey, stop rocking the boat. Hey, stop doing what you’re doing. Because what you’re doing is antithetical to what I’m doing near like, I’m sorry, I wasn’t trying to be antithetical. I was just doing what I thought was the right thing. What I thought was what I was supposed to do. Well, it’s not. Do you ever get that to ever feel like you’re doing what you think is supposed to be done? What you think is supposed to be right. And then out of nowhere, you get walloped. ballyhooed knocked about, hey, what are you doing? And then you’re like, Oh, no. And then you kind of stopped and you’re like, oh, maybe I don’t know what I’m doing. Maybe I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing. What do I do? What do I do? And then you hear the phrase you like a deer caught in the headlights. All the other days. I heard somebody say, oh, it’s like a squirrel caught in the headlights. And I was like the squirrels also get going down lights. And I was like, why did we settle on deer? Like, are there a lot of animals that get stuck in headlights? If I were to be honest, I’ve seen people humans that are on the road that get you stuck in the headlights. I really think a lot of animals if there’s a vehicle coming towards them, and there’s headlights that are very bright and that are flashing at them. I think that the people are going to get caught in those headlights is all I’m saying. All I’m saying I don’t know why we had to put it on the deer. They did. I mean, you know, I’m not gonna and maybe there’s some deer who are fine with lights. You know, I’m not I’m not going to just put all deer into one bucket has always been a funny thing. Going back to the conversation we’re having before buckets pigeonhole. People love to put people in buckets because buckets makes sense. Oh, you’re this type of person. Oh, you’re that kind of person. Oh, you go over there. That’s what you fit into that bucket. But sometimes, and most times, I would say, people are made up of several buckets. You know, and otherwise, life wouldn’t be very fulfilling, I wouldn’t think I don’t know. And sometimes the people with the buckets go, Whoa, you’re I said, you’re in that bucket. Why? What are you doing over here in these other buckets? And you’re like, I don’t know. I like to be in several buckets at once. And they go, Oh, no, my friend. No. Go get in your bucket. You know, and then sometimes, depending, you’ll go and you’ll get in that bucket for a while. You realize, ah, this bucket isn’t as fulfilling as I want it to be this book is it’s just not what I want. And then, you know, as you grow and you have more experiences, then you start finding your ways into other buckets, and exploring different buckets. And then you kind of get to do Do you I guess, as people say, I don’t know. Aloysius J. Pig 11:29 Yeah, yes, Natty Bumpercar have in the jam of the summer the biggest Song of the Year. And then he turns that and he goes into some medical metaphysical talk about buckets. They should call you natty bucket calm No, like Natty Bumpercar 11:49 I mean it’s funny but I don’t think I like natty bucket car but I don’t know you know, we’re having fun with the song and then I was just I just started thinking like I do sometimes my brain starts sometimes my brain starts thinking not all the time but sometimes Rufus T. Rufus 12:04 now I just check the URL for not at bucket con someone has already purchased that and actually a selling wonderful little buckets here so I think we can just move along from the bucket idea. I think that’s not gonna stand I think you know, it was a good idea pig, but I don’t think we’re gonna fly with that Aloysius J. Pig 12:20 one. Oh, well, well, at least we’re you know, we’re not going to have natty bucket QA, but at least we got that that hip hip jam from Ireland Natty Bumpercar 12:29 jam. Outro 12:42 The bumper podcast is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp with Natty Bumpercar and some of his pals. It is family friendly, clean and ridiculous. Thanks a bundle for listening. If you love our show, and you’d like to help support the podcast, check out our Patreon page at https colon forward slash forward slash www.patreon.com forward slash Natty Bumpercar also pretty please subscribe wherever you get your podcasts, share it with everyone everywhere. post about it on all of the social medias or leave a rating and review. The bumper podcast is produced at headquarters in coffee Ken alley. It’s recorded mixed and produced by producer. The bumper podcast features contributions from Aloysius jpg Rufus T Rufus doodle poodle, robot trunks and a gaggle of other silly rascals. Our head talker is probably Natty Bumpercar. We also have an absurd newsletter. Check it out and subscribe at Natty bumpercar.com/subscribe Also, you can follow me on Instagram and Twitter at Natty Bumpercar Hugs and hearts See you soon. NonPro 14:01 This has been a non productive media presentation, executive producer Frank Blaue. This program and many others like it on the nonproductive network is distributed under a Creative Commons Attribution non commercial no derivatives license, please share it but ask before trying to change it or sell it. For more information visit non dash productive.com Transcribed by https://otter.ai [/av_toggle] [/av_toggle_container]
  • Bumperpodcast #305 – Jumbled-up!

    Bumperpodcast #305 – Jumbled-up!

    Here it is – the new podcast that everyone is talking about. We have a great interview, some call-ins, and we finally have a Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/TheBumperpodcast/)!!

    The Bumperpodcast is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp around Headquarters, in Coffee-Can Alley, with Natty Bumpercar and his entire gaggle of pals! 

    It’s almost too much to bear – isn’t it? Let us know by sending an email to bumperpodcast@nattybumpercar.com.

    And – don’t forget to call in and leave a message – 646.847.7976.

    We don’t have a special guest, this week – because everything broke – but – we’re hoping to have one next week (fingers are crossed).

    About This Episode

    In this episode, Natty Bumpercar returns after a two-week hiatus caused by a disastrous OS beta upgrade that broke his recording equipment. He shares stories from his family vacation to Cape Cod, including getting moved to the less convenient cabin number seven with creepy carpeting, rescuing a crab named Mr. Crabs from seagulls, and crying during a screening of Shaun the Sheep. Natty also vents about the challenges of tile flooring, the chaos of kids with scooters, and his frustrations with contractors after three fell through on his home bathroom renovation project. This candid, rambling solo episode showcases Natty's signature storytelling style as he catches listeners up on his life.

    Memorable Quotes

    “If you have a beach cabin don't carpet it, it's creepy. Just make it hardwood. I don't want your tile, your cold cold tile. It feels like it's sucking the soul out of my body.”

    — Natty Bumpercar

    “So if you're upstairs stealing my stuff keep it down because I'm recording a podcast unless you want to be interviewed.”

    — Natty Bumpercar

    “We watched Shaun the Sheep and I cried. You're sitting next to your kids and there's a song about summer and it's summer and oh man what are you doing.”

    — Natty Bumpercar

    Topics: #vacation #technologyproblems #capecod #family #homerenovation #beach #parenting

    Featuring: Natty Bumpercar

    Full Transcript

    Natty Bumpercar: oh bumper podcast i just yawned so big i mean like right before i clicked the button it was the biggest longest it was like hey you're about to do something you're here's the yawn here's the biggest jawn you've ever yawned in your entire yawn um but that's not because i'm not excited it's not because i'm not thrilled because i am i'm wonderfully happy to be here i missed you i went on vacation i put out uh an episode while i was on vacation and then i came back to find out that the uh the software and the hardware the technology the things were broken things didn't work i don't know what happened okay i do know what happened i uh i got excited i got giddy and i upgraded my computer's uh os which means operating system to the newest uh uh beta it's called oh it's a beta it's gonna be released in like a few weeks and i was like oh that's safe that's fine even though the whole time there's all these warnings that are like don't don't do this don't do this on your main computer if this is your only computer we highly recommend against you doing this and i was like ah it's fine of course it's gonna be fine what could possibly that's what happened no recording i had interviews set up with people and uh that's how i actually discovered that it didn't work i was like oh i'm so sorry hold on one second uh no it's still not working uh could you please hold on one second i think i've got this uh just need to oh no it's still not hmm okay let me just i'm gonna call you back in a couple of minutes and uh no it never worked so it's fine we rescheduled some stuff actually reached out to the company and it's a specific part of the whole uh of the ordeal uh that records the interviews for pig and everyone seems to like these pig interviews and i certainly enjoy listening to them so um i was i was like well what do i do so i spent like the week trying to figure out everything see if there was new software different software anything that i needed to get or do and there was not company reached back out to me and they said oh looks like you've downloaded the beta and i was like ah you yeah i did how'd you know that so um you know they fixed they made a patch which is very nice of them a little patch uh to fix the beta and now and now it's back up and running so uh that's exciting but what that means now is it's been two uh two weeks since uh an interview uh since a podcast and so i was like i don't even i'm jumping on i gotta talk to my peeps i was on vacation they don't know nothing about nothing right i went to cape cod with the babies and the family and we had a lot of fun it was a lot more fun this year it was a lot of uh well here's a weird thing i'm gonna go first i swear to god the dog is walking around upstairs it sounds like he's uh a gang of people destroying my house there's only a dog here but the amount of noise that i'm hearing above me makes me think i should probably call the police but i'm not because i'm recording and i don't want to miss out on another week so if you're upstairs stealing my stuff keep it down because i'm recording a podcast unless you want to be interviewed i'm not going to be interviewing you interviewed because i can't enter i couldn't interview that'd be great so you break into houses how tell me how you got into that oh really uh-huh and when you when you saw my house what made you think there would be anything of value here oh you're looking at my computer i see interesting should i should mention to you before you're trying to take it i see but i should mention it's on the beta so maybe you don't want to take it that's right i know i don't know why i downloaded it's my only computer ah thanks good interview um so we went to cape cod and the way it works is my my wife's aunts and uncle aunt and uncle have been going there for no joke like 45 years or something amazing like that and then they have their kids and uh so how does it work there's there's there's ocean and there's a hill and there's one cabin two cabin three cabin and then they are number four and they have a nice deck and they can see everything and they have this nice cabin within cabin five six seven are their kids who bring their significant others and their kids we're talking about a lot of people here is what i'm saying and then for the last seven years this was our eighth year for the last seven years we were cabin number six boom boom right there right right at the top of the hill you can go out on there's a little deck in front so you can sit and you can watch the kids playing and we were very excited this year because it was gonna be the first year where we knew that we could just hang out and we could we could see everything that was going on and our kids wouldn't really need us to uh keep them alive as much but some double booking going on i'm assuming the soft wear for the booking engine was in beta i'm just gonna keep saying beta because it makes me happy uh and and uh our cabin got booked our cabin got booked we've been there the last seven years there was a contract but anyway we got moved to cabin number seven which i know you're thinking that's not such a big deal but it's it it was because uh you're that we're cut off by about you know whatever it is 30 yards or whatever no not 30 yards 30 yards 30 yards 30 yards 30 yards that's 90 feet i don't know we'll say 50 say 50 50 60 feet from the other cabins which means you can't get to the kids when they fall off their scooters or when they ram their scooters into other children or when they pick their scooters up and use them as weapons what i'm saying is scooters are really the issue here scooters are the problem and uh to get to them we actually the steps to get off of our little uh cabin you had to go back to the cabin and we had to go back to the cabin and we had to go back to the cabin backwards to get to the steps to then come back the other way which added another 30 or 40 feet which meant it took you a solid if you were hustling it took you about 45 seconds to get down to the kids screaming the whole way what are you doing why would you do that you stop that leave your him alone leave her alone get away from each other i don't know but so the new cabin was weird it was also carpeted which ladies and gentlemen if you have a beach cabin don't carpet it it's creepy all right just letting you know i'm just right up front letting you know i don't know what kind of people listen to this show but if you have a cabin just make it hardwood all right make it tile don't make it tile let's not make it tile tiles cold let's make it wood all right make it nice old wood let's seal it and let's just keep it real i don't want your tile your cold cold tile when i'm walking on tile with my bare feet it feels like it's sucking the soul out of my body it feels like the tile is is a vacuum and every step i take it's just sucking it's just taking the life out of me it's like a crypt i don't want to walk on tile just stop it with a tile and even if there's tile in your bathroom i'm gonna need you to put a little rug in there a little throw rug whatever it's called one of those really furry little rugs all right because i want as little time stepping on tile as i can possibly get anyway it was a great vacation it was nice it was one of those vacations where you're there for a long time and i mean we're there for a week i guess but it feel it felt like longer like some of the times we've been there it's been like you blink your eye and you're like that was so fast that vacation is already over but this one it actually it felt like an extended play it was a remix it was great um and we go i'll one day i'll get the kids in here and they can tell you all about it but if i ask the kids about it because it was already two weeks ago they'll be like what's going on and i'll be like oh my god i'm what'd you do on vacation they'll be like i didn't go on vacation you're like yeah you did you went to cape cod and be like i don't know what did you do i don't know we watched it was one day it was a little bit uh gonna be a little bit rainy so there's a movie theater and they show kids movies and at i think it was like something insane like 8 30 in the morning it might have been 9 30 i don't know it was early we were at a movie theater and we watched sean the sheep oh and i cried it's a movie makes me cry it's sean the sheep it's sean the sheep you should watch that movie it's a great movie oh now i'm crying again it's like because you're sitting next to your kids and there's a song about summer and it's summer and oh man what are you doing oh we also found crabs giant crabs just hanging out on the beach we saved a crab from some seagulls put it in a bucket put it when there's some sand and some water and some seaweed and stuff and we named them crabby or mr crabs i don't know it switched and then we took them to a different place we took them to a place called red river we set them free in the in the beach grass and he walked away and then two days later we were back at red river and there was a giant crab almost twice the size of crabby and i was like look crabby grew my kids were like he must have eaten a good meal and i was like what you guys are so smart and now we're back in school there's been a lot going on is what i'm saying next week i'm excited though because we're gonna be back with the regular bumper podcast with the interviews i'm just trying to catch you up i did a roast battle i was at a comedy show and i did a roast battle i'm gonna talk about more of that and that more uh next week i'm building a bathroom in my house you should i want to tell you about that because why because the contractors all fell through how many three well two fell through and then the last guy his estimate was no joke three times more than the than the other guy and i'm gonna be back with the regular bumper podcast with the interviews guys and i was just like no what are you what are you building what are you what are you building this out of gold i'm i don't need a gold wall that would be pretty nice if i had a gold wall though i'm not gonna lie um but lots going on lots to talk about lots of interviews coming up lots of good stuff coming up let's go bumper podcast

    Unknown: you

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  • Bumperpodcast #235 – Tiny Screaming Jokester

    Bumperpodcast #235 – Tiny Screaming Jokester

    Bumpercar needs to get with the program – so to do that, he brings a screaming tiny person to get things moving and to talk about and tell some jokes …

    Do you scream? Let us know by sending an email to bumperpodcast@nattybumpercar.com.

    About This Episode

    In this hilarious episode of Bumperpodcast, host Natty Bumpercar welcomes special guest Emerson for a chaotic and entertaining conversation. Fresh off "getting rid of Rufus T. Rufus," Natty tries to conduct an interview with the energetic Emerson, who shares stories about going to the beach, starting school, and delivers a series of increasingly silly knock-knock jokes. The episode features playful banter about names, sea monsters, rotten chicken, and takes an unexpected turn into bathroom humor territory. This unscripted, improvisational episode showcases the unpredictable comedy that happens when Natty Bumpercar tries to maintain control of the show.

    Memorable Quotes

    “I taste like, um, um, rotten leaves. And I taste like rotten chicken.”

    — Emerson

    “This is the first Bumper Podcast since we got rid of Rufus T. Rufus, and we are just hanging out, having a good time.”

    — Natty Bumpercar

    “You're going to get me in trouble. I can't even stand. This isn't how we talk in the Bumper Podcast.”

    — Natty Bumpercar

    Topics: #knock-knockjokes #school #beach #friendship #improvisation #bathroomhumor #children

    Featuring: Natty Bumpercar, Emerson

    Full Transcript

    Natty Bumpercar: All right. Hey, everybody. It's me, Natty Bumpercar, and you are?

    Emerson: Um.

    Natty Bumpercar: What's your name?

    Emerson: Emerson.

    Natty Bumpercar: That's your name?

    Emerson: Yes. Who gave, what kind of name is that? Who gave you that name? I don't know.

    Natty Bumpercar: You don't know who gave you that name?

    Emerson: No. Who was it?

    Natty Bumpercar: I mean, I have some ideas on who might have given you the name, but I can't definitively say. What if you did? If I did, I'd get in trouble. Why? Because those are secrets. So your name is Emerson. You sure it's not like elephant? No. Is your name buffalo?

    Emerson: No.

    Natty Bumpercar: Is your name banana?

    Emerson: No.

    Natty Bumpercar: Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness gracious. Oh, my goodness gracious. Hey, Emerson.

    Emerson: Hey, Emerson.

    Natty Bumpercar: I want my hat back.

    Emerson: I know that story.

    Natty Bumpercar: Have you seen my hat?

    Emerson: No.

    Natty Bumpercar: Oh, all right. What's the hat do? So, Emerson, tell me about you. This is the first Bumper Podcast since we got rid of Rufus T. Rufus, and we are just hanging out, having a good time. Yeah, because this is really fun. Is this really fun?

    Emerson: Yes.

    Natty Bumpercar: All right. I hope they think it's fun. Don't touch those things. Those are dangerous things up here. So, what do you, tell me about yourself. What have you been up to?

    Emerson: I've been up to playing.

    Natty Bumpercar: You've been up to playing? What have you been playing? 100 years. You've been playing 100 years. How do you play 100 years? Do you know? You get lost in the music, don't you? You like to just sit and listen to the music. That's fine. So… Dad! Oh, don't yell too loud. You're going to hurt the people's ears. Oh. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Okay. So, what do you, are you, what, did you just start something? Yes. What'd you just start? Went to the beach. You just went to the beach? What'd you do at the beach?

    Emerson: I went in the deep water. You went in the deep water?

    Natty Bumpercar: Did you see any sea monsters? Nope. Thank goodness! That would have been terrible. Yeah. They would have probably eaten you up. Ah! Because you are delicious. No, I'm not. I, yeah, I ate, used to eat your toes. But I just like, want to eat.

    Emerson: You're so good.

    Natty Bumpercar: I'm so good. I'm so good. I'm so good. I'm so good.

    Emerson: I love you. I taste like, um, um, rotten leaves. Ew. And I taste like rotten chicken.

    Natty Bumpercar: You do? Yes. That's disgusting. I had no idea. Well, I'm glad that I'm not going to eat you then. Um, hey, do you want to tell us a joke? Yes. Knock, knock. Oh, who, uh, who's there? Who pooped there? What? I am not answering the door. Go away. I'm going to call the police. Try again.

    Emerson: Knock, knock.

    Natty Bumpercar: Who's there?

    Emerson: Um, cow.

    Natty Bumpercar: Cow who?

    Emerson: A mountain cow. Oh, come on.

    Natty Bumpercar: I didn't see that one coming a mile away. I'll try one. Uh, knock, knock. Who's there? Kitty cat. Kitty cat who? Kitty cat in your face. What? Is that me? What?

    Emerson: The big one.

    Natty Bumpercar: Yeah. The one when it talks? Yeah, those are called waveforms, and so you can see when you talk, those are, those are graphical representations of your, of the sound coming out of your mouth. So that's why when you yell, it's not a good thing. All right, now you're just breathing weird. That's kind of, that's going to creep people out. What? What I was asking, so earlier I was asking, what did you just start? You just started school.

    Emerson: I started school.

    Natty Bumpercar: Are you so excited?

    Emerson: No.

    Natty Bumpercar: You're so smart, though. You're going to do such a great job, right?

    Emerson: What if someone talks to me?

    Natty Bumpercar: Emerson. No, no, no, no, no. Knock, knock. Oh, oh, oh. Uh, who, who's there? Baby butt. Come on. Fine. I'll play.

    Emerson: Baby butt who? Baby butt in the toilet. Oh, no, no. That's disgusting. Come on.

    Natty Bumpercar: You baby butt in the toilet. Knock, knock. Oh, we got another one? All right. Who is there? Boo-boo. Boo-boo who?

    Emerson: Boo-boo in the toilet and then he farted on. No, this is not the kind of show that. And then he farted. And then he farted. And then he farted in the toilet and then he pooped on someone's face.

    Natty Bumpercar: You're going to get me in trouble. I can't even stand. I'm going to get, I'm going to get in big trouble. This isn't how we talk in the Bumper Podcast. Yes, we do. Oh, I'm not so sure about that. Hey, we got to go. But ladies and gentlemen, thanks for listening to the Bumper Podcast. Yeah, bye. I'm Natty Bumpercar. What's your name? Ah! Ah!

    Emerson: Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

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  • Bumperpodcast #188: Vacation is hard

    Bumperpodcast #188: Vacation is hard

    Natty Bumpercar talks about his vacation and the new friend that he met while on vacation.

    Do you vacation? Let us know by sending an email to bumperpodcast@nattybumpercar.com.

    About This Episode

    In this episode of the Bumperpodcast, Natty Bumpercar shares a hilarious tale from his recent family beach vacation. What should have been a relaxing getaway turns into comedy gold when a giant bat invades their tiny cabin in the middle of the night. Natty recounts the chaos of dealing with disrupted children's sleep schedules, missing toys, and pillows, only to have everything escalate when his mother-in-law discovers the unwelcome flying visitor. Listen as he describes the madcap attempts to remove the bat using beach towels, the creature's terrifying sonar-guided flights directly at people's heads, and the horrifying moment when the bat disappears into the walls. This energetic episode perfectly captures the exhausting reality of family vacations.

    Memorable Quotes

    “We need to invent some sort of bat muffler like a little jacket or a vest that bats can wear so they don't sound so disgustingly horribly grossy yuck when they're flying around.”

    — Natty Bumpercar

    “It was a giant giant bat like take your children away type of bat and when I opened the door he flew at the door because his little sonar was just like oh there's food over there.”

    — Natty Bumpercar

    “The bat is in the walls now people the bat is in the walls so everybody now baby wife me kid all in the same tiny room not enough room to move not enough room to breathe. Vacations are stressful.”

    — Natty Bumpercar

    Topics: #vacation #family #beach #bats #parenting #comedystorytelling #travelmishaps

    Featuring: Natty Bumpercar

    Full Transcript

    Natty Bumpercar: well this is a hoot nanny is what this is hey everybody it's me natty bumper car and this is the bumper podcast oh i actually i recorded 27 seconds a few seconds minutes ago and i listened to it and i was so low energy and i was so depressed and like i was just like i can't even put this out on the internets i don't want these people to have to listen to this garbage garbage no what i want them to listen to is happy bumper car right yes of course my goodness bumper car you're running the bumper podcast the best ship in the seas of all podcasts you should be happy so let me do this i will tell you that last week i went on vacation with the family we went to the beach and um it was it was it was nice if you've ever vacationed with children you know how exhausting it is because everything is disrupted where am i sleeping what am i eating what am i doing why can't i watch my shows you know like what i don't know where my sis toy is well that toy is back at home i want to go back home why would you we're at the beach you should stay here at the beach and play it's much more fun i want my pillow do you have this pillow now for you know it's like it's fun and then so you add on to the uh madcap bedlam uh of the kitties and their broken sleep patterns and and whatnot and uh and we throw in there into the mix ladies and gentlemen the monkey wrench that was a bat a bat a bat in our cabin in our tiny teeny little cabin that had one two three four five six people in it uh it's eight square feet i don't really know how square feet work but i know it's tiny and um one night middle of the night uh there's uh someone's in my room and it was my mother-in-law and she said there's a bat there's a bat in here and i was like what where's her bat i don't see a bat she's like it's out there in the living room kitchen area oh and then you hear now i can hear him flying around flapping his wings and it was terrifying bat sounds terrible when they're flying like they're i they're we need to invent some sort of bat muffler like a uh maybe some felt or something like a little jacket or a little uh a vest that bats can wear so they don't sound so disgustingly horribly grossy yuck when they're flying around because when they're flying it's just like i don't want to hear that so i open the door to assess the situation you know it's just like in my head is this like a little bat or what no it was a giant giant bat like take your children away type of bat and he when i opened the door he flew at the door because i guess his little sonar was just like oh there's food over there i'm gonna go and eat i know so i slammed the door the bat went some other place so then i had to crawl to the window to all the doors and say don't leave your door there's a bat in there he's on you to go in there because there's a bat he's flying around you'll even be right and uh open the back door open the screen doors to the bat you know oh maybe he's gonna do what he did to me and just fly right out this door no he keeps flying father-in-law has a a towel a beach towel big beach towel that's just flopping in the air hits the bat bat falls on the ground does not fly he's flying around able to uh put the towel on top of the bat to get him out so the bat gets back up he's flying around some more circles right at your head like i was i was it was very comical it was very like i'm in a movie and this is what people look like in movies when they're trying to get away from a bat it was me uh trying not to yell out any horrible words uh because the bat and then the bat disappears into the wall there's a heating vent no one believes me that i see the bat going to the heating vent they're all like no he escaped you didn't see him i saw him we leave a towel on top of the heating vent a few days later wife screams in the middle of the night wife screams i run into the room scratch scratch scratch scratch the bat is in the walls now people the bat is in the walls so everybody now baby wife me kid all the same tiny room not enough room to move not enough room to breathe vacations are stressful

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