A Food Review

A Review of Ressie Mae’s Soul Food:

I read on this site that I should go and try out a little soul food spot right around the corner from where I work. It should be known that since leaving the comfort food haven of the South – I am always anxiously looking for any way to fill the empty hole in my stomach – my arteries – that this type of food usually allows for. So I jumped at the opportunity. Literally – I hop, skipped and jumped the entire way around the corner, straight through the front door and to the counter to get a heaping helping of food that would make my night. That would make-my-night-worth-eating.

I ended up ordering the candied yams or maybe they were sweet potatoes (they were orange), the macaroni and cheese and the green beans with bits of ham. On my way out, I was so impressed by how much the food weighed – that I got bleary eyed with excitement and was cajoled into buying a cup of $2.00 sweet tea. I must repeat that I am a sucker for soul food.

Before I tell you about the food – I want to point out that the reason I didn’t get the fried chicken was because there is a lot of typing to do at the job – and I didn’t want to gum the computer’s works up . . . I can now definitively look back at that decision as possibly being the point where everything went absolutely wrong.

The mac-n-cheese was a tasteless greasy plop of tightly bound pasta with a layer of orange wax resting on top. One of the sure fire ways to make crummy mac-n-cheese is to try to pack too much pasta in. No flavor can move around – no cheese can penetrate – nothing good can happen. A couple of other ways are evidently to forget to use anything approaching any kind of seasoning and the use of army grade cheese stuff. Sometimes, if just one of the cardinal mac-n-cheese mistakes are made – goodness overcomes, and the outcome is, at least, edible . . . unfortunately, for this meal, that just wasn’t the case.

After that mac-n-cheese rant, all that I will say about the yams (we’ll call them for now) and green beans is that they weren’t so good. The yams were the most edible part of the meal – so they get a pass. The beans, on the other hand . . . I’m not sure how to even go on except to simply ask this question. How can anything be cooked with chunks of ham and still come out so lifeless and tasteless?! I once cooked up a pair of socks with a bit of ham hock – and I don’t mind telling you one bit . . . they were delectable.

So the meal was the meal . . . and I ate what I could. But the real burr in my side came from the evil (and I don’t use that word lightly) concoction that they called sweet tea. Here is a quick sweet tea recipe – boil some water, add some tea bags, add some sugar and then (after letting it cool down) enjoy the best tooth rotting (and I say that in the best way) drink you will ever have. So easy. So simple. So not what they did. It tasted like some sort of mix – maybe from a syrup – maybe from a powder – but all from hell. I had two sips and threw it away. Later I had to console my trashcan when I found it retching in a bathroom stall – I will never forget the sad look on that trashcans face. It (and that tea) haunts me to this day.

I ate at Ressie Mae’s. I gave it a shot. I have decided that maybe they should get a nifty new slogan – something like “Come to Ressie Mae’s where we’ll take your money, give you crummy food stuff and hurt your soul – just a smidge!” or something similar to that. I take it back. That slogan is obviously really long and not entirely fair . . . maybe just “Ressie Mae’s. We’ll hurt your soul!”

They certainly hurt mine.

Maybe next time – I’ll try the chicken.

Oh My Stars and Burgers . . .

A new burger place by the name of “Five Guys” which touts “Famous Burgers and Fries” recently opened up over in the Edgewood shopping community thing. I decided that there was probably no better way to use my time than to eat there and eat there and possibly eat there before you even did so that I could be in a greater position to give you the low down.

I had heard of this – okay I have to take a quick pause here – I was going to call this a “mini-chain” because I thought they were the little guys sticking their burger making heads into new and exciting markets – but then I went to their locations page and found that there are actually 134 (one hundred and thirty four) stores all the way from New York to Florida – oh well – I guess that gives me liberty to skip any history that I had with the place and jump right into how it was.

Oh – how I do enjoy the tasty taste of the tasty treats that I have had both times that I have been there. When you walk in, the company colors of white and red are everywhere – including on the large menu that hangs over the two cash (money) registers which are flanked (ha – a meat joke!) by an open kitchen. The menu is pretty simple – there are burgers, hot dogs, fries (cooked in yummy peanut oil), drinks and evidently the “veggie or grilled cheese” for all of those out there.

On my first visit I ordered a bacon cheeseburger with mayo, relish, lettuce, tomatoes, fried onions, sauteed mushrooms and ketchup – a couple of things to know – the regular burger is 1/2 (one half) pound – all of the toppings (including the fried onions and sauteed mushrooms – but not the bacon or cheese) are free – and if you have to wait in line awhile – there is a bin full of free peanuts ready to be shelled and eaten on the spot. Both times I also got a drink (the coke is so good and perfect – for my tastes – heavy on the syrup but with enough bubbles to tickle my fancy – if you don’t mind me saying) and an order of the fries (the cajun version – which just adds a sprinkle of flavor magic – hooray). I felt like I was going to pass out from all of the eating – in fact – it is highly possible that I did nod off a couple of times before “finishing” the burger and taking home a bag of fries.

And by putting “finishing” in quotes – I should point out that I in no way actually finished the burger – my stomach is tiny . . . like the stomach of a baby bird.

The second time I got the “little” version of the same burger – which was only 1/4 (one quarter) pound of perfect. Everything was as great as the first time – it was no fluke at all . . . I will do it again – but not before I go and get another Ghetto Burger from my pal “Miss Ann” so that I can better judge who will be the burger champ of my heart – and by heart – I may mean the one that eventually stops it from eating too much red meat – and bacon and cheese and fried onions and sauteed mushrooms and flavor magic – hooray!

My stomach may just end up turning into a battlefield for true burger supremacy . . . a gastrointestinal battle the likes of which hasn’t been seen in these parts in some umpteenth times . . . but I am willing to sacrifice myself for that very cause – and see it through to the bitter end. Onward – my trusty stomach. Onward and with my complete lack of exercise – surely – outward . . . we ride.