The Ooze


My toe has turned into an evil little lump at the end of my foot that points directly to a large portion of the pain in the world.

The other day – I noticed that my toe really hurt – the big toe on my right foot. I promptly got distracted by something shiny – and forgot.

The next day it was hurting again – it is possible that it never really stopped – and all of the memories of pain from the day before came rushing up to the front part of my brain.

I decided that I had endured enough misery – so I grabbed a tiny flat-head screw driver and pressed really hard. That was when goo started oozing out of my toe. Let me repeat that . . . goo started to ooze out of my toe.

How gross have I become that random ick can find its way out of a part of my body that has absolutely no business excreting any sort of anything?! Pretty darn gross.

After days of sore toe and calculated attacks with a screw driver, I gave up and started kicking an old framed canvas that I have laying around. I kicked it super-hard several times. Oddly – not only did the toe still hurt – but a slightly different pain had spread to a couple of other toes – possibly brought on by the blunt trauma of repeatedly kicking something – this – however can not be verified.

When the violent beating of the evil toe didn’t work – I sparked several random toe conversations up at work. “Hey Billy – how are those piggies holding up?!” – “Whoa Sally! Talk to me about your toes.” “Blah – blah – blah – foot fingers – blah – blah.” And I found out two things. The first is that people can get freaked out over a simple toe conversation and the second is that I have evidently been afflicted with a rare and unpleasant condition known as an ingrown toe-nail.

So – my body has turned against itself – and evidently my big toe – which used to be my absolute favorite toe out of all of my toes – is leading the charge.

What’s grosser than gross? Evidently . . . me.

Please excuse me while I screw drive and lemon juice my toe.

  1. will
    will says:

    Just so you know, I was eating my dinner when I read this post. Never slowed down. Unlike your toe. Poor toe.

    • bumpercar
      bumpercar says:

      Mister Will!

      I want to know more – much – much more about what you did that night. What did you have for dinner? Where do you live now? Why don’t you ever call me – or bring me flowers anymore?!

  2. will
    will says:

    Hmm. I think that night I had tacos. Glorious tacos. I love tacos. One day, when America learns to be more open minded (all hail Barack!), I’ll be able to marry my tacos. Yeah, a kind of weird form of polygamy. Can’t be limited to just one taco, ya know?

    I am in Olympia most of the time, but I technically live in Chicago. Where are you? NJ now? I’m going to New Paltz in January for a cousin’s wedding. Busy busy.