Tag: parenting

Bumperpodcast #451 – Season 3 – Turtles

In this episode of the Bumperpodcast, Natty Bumpercar talks about turning over a new leaf and not double and triple booking himself. Also, there are turtles! Don’t miss out — listen, subscribe, and share the laughter today!

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About This Episode

In this solo episode of Bumperpodcast, Natty Bumpercar finds himself alone in the studio after accidentally breaking all the recording equipment while fiddling with settings that were working perfectly fine. With Producer and the rest of the gang mysteriously gone, Natty reflects on his tendency to quadruple-book himself and the resulting chaos in his life. He shares hilarious stories about therapy sessions without couches, attempting to organize his time by making endless lists, and his recent adventure caring for two hatchling red-eared slider turtles named by his kids. Through self-deprecating humor and rambling observations, Natty explores themes of self-care, overwhelm, and the simple joy of watching turtles eat their floating food pellets.

Memorable Quotes

“I can do two or three things at the same time and be in different places at the exact same time, I've mastered that, but once you get up into like four it's I really I can't do it.”
— Natty Bumpercar

“Self-care? Doc didn't you hear I'm double triple quad booked how could I there's no time for self-care who's got time for self-care?”
— Natty Bumpercar

“That one's a buster. He kind of just like sees you coming and he'll jump into the water and swim around and I used to think he was terrified but I think he expects food.”
— Natty Bumpercar

Topics: #self-care #therapy #timemanagement #turtles #pets #parenting #technologytroubles #overwhelm

Featuring: Natty Bumpercar

Full Transcript

Natty Bumpercar: i can't even express how annoyed i am right now i sat down to record the bumper podcast which you're listening to because you're amazing and i super appreciate it and i started fiddling why we started fiddling with the software started fiddling with the knobs which were working before so why fiddle there's no reason to fiddle and then everything broke and i didn't know how to get back there there were there were uh restarts of the computer restarts of the software um there was there were some searches there were some internet searches and uh finally i mean it's not the same as it was before but at least i can see that it's recording something which you know to me is as much of a win as i expected at this point i uh it here's the thing when i was recording i was like oh you know it sounds like there's a little bit of an echo huh oh i wonder how to fix that huh and then i started i was like maybe this will get rid of it oh oh wait what oh what just happened oh no and and so that's what uh that's what i've been doing for the last hour so it's pretty exciting uh i know you're all uh sitting on the edge of your seat saying well where's where's producer is it doesn't he normally handle this stuff doesn't he normally take care of the the the software and the bells and the whistles and whatnot yes but everyone is out right now uh i they i don't know where they don't tell me where they go um they just kind of pig took the car keys and uh they didn't even really say goodbye i the way they say goodbye is kind of sweet though they um you can just hear the door shut behind them and then you're like oh okay bye see you later okay bye i'm just gonna stay here and fiddle um yeah so i i probably should have let producer handle the uh the the the fiddling and the tweaking and the turning of the knobs and the pushing of the buttons because uh what i got myself into was a real calamity at a point i said this is a real calamity to myself out loud because um it was and that was the only way i knew how to express the frustration that i was going through i um speaking of being frustrated have tried to get better at not uh doing as many things as i was doing before so not uh not double booking double booking everyone can handle that not uh triple and quadruple booking uh that's where i seem to get into trouble i i can do uh two or three things at the same time and be in different places at the exact same time time i've i've mastered that uh but once you get up into like four it's i it really i can't do it and uh you know people get frustrated you know oh why do you why do you double triple book why are you quad booking and i'm like i don't know my brain thinks i can do everything all the time for everybody and um uh i was i was told that that's not the case not that's not how it works you know if you're if you're gonna commit to doing something then you should go do that thing and and be there like have your mind present and i was like wait so just having my my body here or just you know while i'm on the call that's in my ear and while i'm also uh walking the dog that's that's uh it's not okay and they're like no you're distracted you're you're in several different places at the same time and i'm like exactly and they're like exactly you see the tone difference there i thought i was i had it that i had figured it out and they were more uh uh frustrated so that you know that happens and that's that's fine you know i uh i don't know if any of you have ever been to a therapist it's super fun uh because they have to listen to you for however long it is and um it's a weird thing all the television shows cartoons they uh they make it seem like oh there's a couch there's there's no couch in mine at least i don't know i assume some must have a couch depending on how much space they have mine has a chair there's like two different kinds of chairs and you know sometimes you know when i'm going in and i'm chatting uh they're like well how are you feeling and i'm like i'd feel a lot better if there was a couch in here you know just because it would give me the sense uh that this was this was real that what we were doing you know i was like doc if you can't even commit to you know the proper piece of furniture then what what are we even doing here right what what do we what am i are we wasting our time i hope not but the funny thing is at the end you know after you've discussed things and talked about billing or whatever you do uh yeah they say uh so what do you uh before we you know see each other again what do you plan to do for yourself what do you you know plan to do for self-care self-care and the first time i heard that i uh actually i actually fell on the floor i you know i i couldn't catch my breath i was laughing so hard catch self-care doc didn't you hear i'm double triple quad booked how could i there's no time for self-care who's got time for self-care i gotta keep that boat afloat over there i've got to keep uh that that fire over there at bay uh and i have to keep you know i've got to keep that boat afloat over there i've got to keep that that fire over there you know the roof from leaking and i have to keep uh all the the chickens fed and uh you know on and on and on so so self-care for me is um just waking up the next day to start it all again which um evidently not sustainable not something you can just keep doing forever um you uh you get tired you get cranky you uh you might get some uh really i think wonderful bags under your eyes little dark circles right uh and might get sick more often so that's you know that's something that's going to probably happen and then you might run into the situation that i did where people get frustrated with you because you've double you've triple and you've quadruple booked yourself so i'm working on not doing more but the way my brain approached not doing more was by taking on a few different tasks uh like one being you know organizing myself in my time it's like if i organize myself in my time then i can prioritize and if i can prioritize and i won't be double and triple booked and uh i um now i spend a lot of time making notes making lists and uh prioritizing on top of everything else that i was so people were like hey you didn't make it to the meeting where were you and i'm like oh yeah yeah and that's okay i was i was organizing my time all right i was prioritizing and they're like well you you don't seem like you you know you're committed to this and i'm like but that's exactly what i'm doing i'm you know i had i had like i had to make a note with a to-do list that was broken out with different times and different days different goals right otherwise i'm not going to just flying by the seat of my pants and they're like well you maybe you should have done that when you're not supposed to be meeting with us i'm like whoa whoa whoa baby steps all right baby steps you everybody just take a deep breath and uh understand what's what's happening here and they took a deep breath and they said i well what is happening here and i said i really don't know i just i was hoping that was going to end the conversation hoping by kind of leaving that out there that that was going to be the end of it and um you know i wasn't i wasn't expecting you to keep going so honestly this is kind of on you right read the room um i was throwing up facades and i was throwing up uh you know fake fronts and i was throwing up uh all kinds of subterfuge and smoke and mirrors and and you just kind of kept on walking down the street and uh and tagged me so now i'm it and i i didn't even want to be playing tag i um yesterday i was in a reptile store i know that's hold on i hope you didn't get whiplash from that but i was in i was in a reptile store with my kids because um someone gave us uh two what are they called hatchling red-eared slider turtles and they're i don't know how big they are like i'm trying to show you but i know this is audio but they're about that big no um hmm trying to give a a good uh a racquetball they're about the the size of a racquetball around not tall because that would be weird to have a circular turtle but they're you know round and flat like turtles are supposed to be and uh the kids have named them we have spent all the money buying a new habitat and setting all of that up with filters and heaters and uh you know all the things little lights for the turtles um little uh dock that they can rest on really they're living their best little turtle lives but one of them is has been a little bit um lethargic which is a funny way to describe a turtle but it's it's true he's he's kind of just like he's there he's hanging out but he's not moving around as much and you're probably like yeah that sounds like what a turtle's supposed to do that's what i used to think too but the other turtle who i keep saying that one's a buster like that i think i've said that almost every day since we've had the turtles oh that one that one there that's a buster and what i mean by that is he kind of just like he's he seems like he's gotten a little bit bigger and he will see you coming and he'll jump into the water and swim around and uh and i used to think he was terrified but i don't feel like he's got a little bit bigger he is i feel like he's uh kind of playing with with i don't know i mean he's he's looking out of the tank sees you coming jumps and then i think what it is is he expects when i come for there to be food and so maybe he's like all right i gotta get into my eating position i gotta get into my my eating you know spot and and it's so fun because the uh the food they're these little tiny pebbles and they float and not not pebbles not rocks but uh because that's that's not something anyone could eat um but little pellets of uh pellets of turtle food that float and so he'll like he's swimming underneath it he can see his little head he's looking around and then he zooms up and he does this like his little head pops out further and his mouth just grabs on to it and it's kind of amazing to watch it's much more fun than you than what i'm describing it's uh a shockingly good time like i've found myself on multiple occasions just sitting and watching the turtles like oh look what they're look at that look what he's doing look at that one he's oh you know you know he's over there but then one of the turtles was being lethargic and and and i was just like oh no i i don't want my turtles to get hurt the children have become attached so we went to a um a reptile shop and uh we're looking around and this tiny kid comes up to my kids and he's like oh no i don't want my turtles to get hurt and he's like oh no i don't want my turtles to get hurt and she's probably like three i'll say and she goes hey hey you want to play tag and my kid's like uh no and i was like good good on you all right that's a good decision child oh mine

Unknown: you it's just sometimes like it's funny how you can do something a little wrong to your kids if you've been with them a very long time they will kind of blame you and say oh well you're about to be merciva and they're like you know uh yourself i'm gonna blame you it's fine i'm gonna blame every single one of you but then you'd kind of get a bit of nerve by being produced by them and i know that translate a little bit 날스 процент

March 6, 2025
Bumperpodcast #446 – Season 3 – Knives

Tune in to the latest episode of the Bumperpodcast, the beloved improvised comedy podcast set in the whimsical town of Coffee-Can Alley. In this episode, Natty Bumpercar goes on and on about a bundle of things – until his brain seems to get stuck on the subject of knives. Don’t miss this fun-filled episode that captures the essence of the Bumperpodcast’s unique humor and charm.

You should send us an email to bumperpodcast@nattybumpercar.com. We’re here and we’re listening!

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Podcast: Download | Embed
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Transcription

natty bumpercar 0:00
He’s always so busy,

never not busy, never not moving, never slowing down going over here going over there. Never stop moving moving all around. Do I even sleep? I don’t even know. Do I even eat? Yeah, my stomach says yes, it says it actually says stop eating as much. Hi everyone. This is Natty bumpercar. And this is the bumper podcast. And it is summer. It is so summer it hurts. It is so summer that you can’t even believe how summer it is. And what do I mean by that? I mean, it’s hot. And it has been hot for it feels like forever. Every time I go out of my house, no, I just I melt into a puddle. This book right there. My kids, they want to go to the pool, they want to go to camp, they want to go to a movie, whatever they want to go to. They’re like, Come on, Dad, let’s go. And I go. Alright, just hold on a second. And then I walk out of the door, but it turned into a puddle. And so now what the kids do they know they travel with a bucket so that anytime we have to go someplace, one of them goes out starts the car turns the air conditioning on, the other one goes and gets the bucket and the scoop. And then they know that to tell me that we have to leave a lot earlier than you would think that we would have to leave because they are factoring in the amount of time that it will take for me to walk out the door melt be scooped up, be put into the air conditioned car and reconstitute recompose. I’m not really sure what I’m doing. I guess I’m becoming becoming less gooey. Less gelatinous, more solid? I’m not sure. Now I don’t even know. Right? They figured it out. It wasn’t me. It was up to me. I just want to stay in a puddle for the rest of my days. And then the nights I would probably unpossible because it would be cooler. And then the morning I guess I would just be a puddle again. That’s not going to be good for the resale of the house because I’m right in front of the front door. Usually when this happens. And you know, I don’t know a lot about real estate. Some would say barely anything. But I do. I’m guessing this is me guessing I’m going out on a limb. And I’m saying that having a puddle of goo right in front of the front door. Probably not going to help with resale value. I mean, I again, I can’t promise that. I don’t know what 100% For sure. But that’s what my instincts my chest Ray razor sharp. Business instincts are telling me I don’t have razor sharp instincts you guys I just wanted to make sure that you knew that I didn’t. I don’t have razor sharp anything at this point. My fingernails not razor sharp, my wit not razor sharp. My sword. It’s not even razor sharp. My knives, all of my knives. I was told I have to take my knives to a place to get them sharpened. And I don’t know. I’m nervous about it because I don’t really know what it means. I mean, I understand the concept. You have a knife, you take it to a place the people there. Make it sharp somehow I’m guessing AI robots. Maybe they have I don’t know badger in the back working in the back who has skills. I don’t know how it works, but I’m just freaked out because I’m gonna take all my knives someplace. Then they’re going to take my knives, they’re going to do some sort of alchemy some sort of magic to to the knives and or you’re they’re gonna do first good take the knives and they’re gonna judge me they’re gonna look at the knives and they’re gonna judge me on the lack of sharpness, the just lack of upkeep on my knives. And so I have to mentally and emotionally prepare myself for that part. Like I’m now getting over the hump of gathering up all the knives. And then you know, finding the place going to the place getting out of the car, not melting going into the place, and then they’re just going to judge they’re going to look at the night Just to kind of kind of probably spread them out on the table or whatever, and they’re gonna look at him, they will, you know, they’ll start picking him up, maybe they’ll even put him in order, like size order or something, they’re gonna start picking them up by the handle, and kind of holding him straight up and looking at him, twisting them in their hand, twisting them back, kind of angling them more. So they’re getting a little bit of a different light. And as they’re doing this, you know, and they keep shifting it around in their hand, they’re going to make these big size

you know, like that. Not like, oh, well, okay, these will look at things. And I know it’s gonna be judgey MC judge person, MC mean, MC knife sharpeners. And then they’re gonna take my knives. And I’m gonna forget to ask how much it all costs. And then in two weeks, or whatever, when they when they say, Hey, we got your knives back. I’m gonna go. And they’re gonna say, we really had to do a lot of work on those knives. And I’d be like, cool, I got it. Thanks, you already made me feel awesome. And they’re gonna go in the back. And they might even give me a ticket when I leave. So they might take my ticket, when I get there, look at the ticket, then make fun of me, then go back to the back and bring out a bag or whatever, of tray maybe of my knives. And they’re gonna put them on the table. And they’ll say, you know, take a look. Maybe, maybe they’ll maybe they’ll even give me like a carrot to cut. Just to prove how sharp these knives now are. Be careful with those. All right, those are very sharp now. much sharper than they were when you like, get it, buddy? Or like, Would you like to cut a carrot? Like you will? Yeah, who wouldn’t want to cut a carrot? You want to cut? We also have, I don’t you probably don’t know this, you don’t remember. But there used to be commercials on the television, where they were selling knives. And they would be they would take a can like a can of soup canopy. I don’t know what some other metal can. And they go like this knife can cut through anything. And they cut through a knife, the can with a knife, which in your mind, you’re like, well, that’s destroyed that knife, that knife is never coming back from that. And then they would go and they’d bring in a tomato. And they would just rush right through it. Like like the like the, the knife was a razor blade, like the knife was a laser razor blade. And they would just cut right through that tomato. And then they’d go back and they would start hacking at I don’t remember what it was a block of ice or something hard. Me Yeah. And then they’d go back. And they they’d say they take a strawberry, a sweet, delicious little strawberry. And they would just so gently cut the strawberry and you just go well, these knives, what are they? How do I how do I get them and then they would tell you how much they were, how to get them who to call how long it was probably going to take for them to get to you. And then you know what, you can also get a second set of knives that are also magic that do the same magical things as the first set of knives that we showed you. Which to me is weird. Because if you’re showing me these on Double Magic blades that I will have I will pass down in my family for eternity. Then why you’re going to I don’t need two sets. I don’t need two sets of knives. That’s a lot of knives. I would go so far as to say it’s it’s an unhealthy, unsafe amount of knives. Like if I’m going to go into a house and I see you know people have like a block on their countertop and it’s a knife block. And I walk in and they go oh look at those knives. Cool. But if I walk in nice see two knife blocks. I’m turning around and leaving. Because you’re someone who has too many knives. I don’t need to be around that many sharp surfaces. And if they’re these magic knives, then they’re very sharp. Very, very sharp. Anyway, back to my knife story. I’m their guy. Oh, you want to cut a carrot, whatever you did. I don’t think they’d bring out a can although, that’d be pretty amazing. And you’re like, Okay, these seem good because what do you mean? They’re knives you’re gonna be like Okay, cut a carrot. Awesome. And then they’ll survive. Yeah, we know we also did this to it. We also upgraded Due to this, you know, we really felt like and you’re like, I just want my knives I want I just, I just want to go home and not have to think about knives anymore. For right now, maybe ever. And then you’re like, Okay, well, what’s, what’s the damage? What’s the bill? How much is this gonna cost forever, and then they they throw out some number. That’s so exorbitant so insanely expensive that you could have gone out and taken, you could have gone to Norway and taken classes on craft knife building. And so you’ve flown, you’re staying there for the two weeks, you are buying the materials. You’re paying for the class, and you’re flying back. And that would have been less money than what they are now charging you to sharpen your knives. And so you’re in a real conundrum. Because there’s the knives. You’ve done everything. You took the mocking you got them sharpened. And now you’re looking at a bill and you you know they have you the work has been done. There’s nothing you can do. Putting indeed it’s gonna throw your hands up. I you know what, I don’t want these knives anymore, but you do because they’re your knives. Way. What are you going to what are you going to do when you get home? People are going to people are going to ask, because you know what people in houses like to do? They like to cut things. They like to cut vegetables. They like to cut fruit. They like to cut meat. They don’t like to cut cans. They don’t? Well, they should. Alright, I’m gonna give a little secret here. I’ve discovered that my child one of my children, we won’t say which one has a tendency to take cans of soda cans of seltzer, whatever it is cans of beverage will say. And he sneaks mountain to the yard. You’re like, Oh, come on. Just let the kid have a Canvas right now. No, he takes the cans and he takes knives like sharp things. And he cuts into the cans. And then he comes in either covered in sugar water or maybe bleeding. What happened? Yeah, I fell off the slide. What? You fell off the side.

Are you okay?

Oh baby. Then you go outside and you see a massacre can and you’re like this kid does not need any more knives at all.

Outro 12:50
The bumper podcast is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp with Natty bumpercar and some of his pals. It is family friendly, clean and ridiculous. Thanks a bundle for listening. If you love our show, and you’d like to help support the podcast, check out our Patreon page at https colon forward slash forward slash www.patreon.com forward slash Natty bumpercar also pretty please subscribe wherever you get your podcasts, share it with everyone everywhere. post about it on all of the social medias or leave a rating and review. The bumper podcast is produced at headquarters in coffee can alley it’s recorded mixed and produced by producer. The bumper podcast features contributions from Aloysius jpg Rufus T Rufus doodle poodle, robot trunks and a gaggle of other silly rascals. Our head talker is probably Natty bumpercar. We also have an absurd newsletter. Check it out and subscribe at Natty bumpercar.com/subscribe Also, you can follow me on Instagram and Twitter at Natty bumpercar Hugs and hearts. See you soon.

About This Episode

In this hilarious summer episode, Natty Bumpercar describes the intense heat wave that literally melts him into a puddle every time he steps outside. His kids have adapted by traveling with a bucket and scoop to collect their liquefied father and reconstitute him in the air-conditioned car. Natty then goes on an extended comedic rant about his anxiety over taking his dull knives to be professionally sharpened, imagining the judgment he'll face from the knife sharpener and the exorbitant bill that will follow. He reminisces about old TV knife infomercials and reveals that one of his children has been secretly taking cans outside to slice them open with sharp objects, coming back either covered in soda or bleeding.

Memorable Quotes

“Every time I go out of my house, I melt into a puddle. My kids travel with a bucket and scoop because they know I'm going to liquefy the moment I step outside.”
— Natty Bumpercar

“They're going to judge me on the lack of sharpness, the lack of upkeep on my knives. They're gonna be judgy mcjudgerson mcmean mcknife sharpeners.”
— Natty Bumpercar

“He takes the cans and he takes knives and he cuts into them. Then he comes in either covered in sugar water or maybe bleeding.”
— Natty Bumpercar

Topics: #summer #heatwave #knives #parenting #anxiety #infomercials #householdchores

Featuring: Natty Bumpercar, Producer

Full Transcript

Natty Bumpercar: always so busy never not busy never not moving never slowing down going over here going over there never stop moving moving all around do i even sleep i don't even know do i even eat yeah my stomach says yes it says it actually says stop eating as much uh hi everyone this is natty bumper car and this is the bumper podcast and it is summer it is so summer it hurts it is so summer that you can't even believe how summer it is and what do i mean by that i mean it's hot and it has been hot for it feels like forever every time i go out of my house you know what i just uh i melt into a puddle just right there my kids they want to go to the pool they want to go to camp they want to go to a move whatever they want to go to they're like come on dad let's go and i go all right just hold on a second and then i walk out of the door i turn into a puddle and so now what the kids do they know they travel with a bucket so that anytime we have to go someplace one of them goes out starts the car turns the air conditioning on the other one goes and gets the bucket and the scoop and then uh they know that the we have to leave a lot earlier than you would think that we would have to leave because they are factoring in the amount of time that it will take for me to walk out the door melt be scooped up be put into the air-conditioned car and uh reconstitute recompose i'm not really sure what i'm doing i guess i'm becoming becoming less gooey less gelatinous more solid i'm not sure now i don't even know they figured it out it wasn't me if it was up to me i would i just would have stayed a puddle for the rest of my days and then the nights i would probably un-puddle because it would be cooler um and then in the morning i guess i would just be a puddle again that's not going to be good for the resale of the house because i'm right in front of the front door usually when this happens and you know i don't know a lot about real estate some would say barely anything uh but i do i'm guessing this is me guessing i'm going out on a limb and i'm saying that having a puddle of goo right in front of the front door probably not going to help with resale value i mean i again i can't promise that i don't know what 100% for sure but that's what my instincts my just uh razor sharp business instincts are telling me i don't have razor sharp instincts you guys i just wanted to make sure that you knew that i i don't have razor sharp anything at this point my uh fingernails not razor sharp my wit not razor sharp um my sword it's not even razor sharp uh my knives all of my knives i was told i have to take my knives to a place to get them sharpened and i don't know i'm nervous about it because i don't really know what it means i mean i understand the concept you have a knife you take it to a place the the people there uh make it sharp somehow i'm guessing uh ai robots maybe they have uh i don't know badger in the back working in the back who has skills i don't know how it works but i'm just freaked out because i'm going to take all my knives someplace and they're going to take my knives they're going to do some sort of alchemy some sort of magic uh to to the knives and or you know what they're going to do first you're going to take the knives and you're going to take the knives and you're going to take the and they're going to judge me they're going to look at the knives and they're going to judge me on uh the lack of sharpness the um just lack of upkeep on my knives and so i have to mentally and emotionally prepare myself for that part like i'm now getting over the hump of uh gathering up all the knives and and then you know finding the place going to the place getting out of the car not melting going into the place uh and then they're just going to judge they're going to look at the knives they're going to kind of probably spread them out on the table or whatever and they're going to look at them and you know they'll start picking them up maybe they'll even put them in order like size order or something they're going to start picking them up by the handle and kind of holding them straight up and looking at them twisting them in their hand twisting them back kind of uh angling them more so they're getting a little bit of a different light and as they're getting more and more they're doing this you know and they keep shifting it around in their hand they're going to make these big sighs like you know like that not like oh well okay these won't look at these knives no it's gonna be judgy mcjudgerson mcmean mcknife sharpeners and then they're gonna take my knives and i'm gonna forget to ask how much it all costs and i'm gonna forget to ask how much it all costs and i'm gonna forget to ask how much it all costs and i'm gonna forget to ask how much it all costs and then in two weeks or whatever costs and then in two weeks or whatever when they when they hey we got your knives back i'm gonna go and and they're gonna say we really had to do a lot of work on those knives and i'll be like cool i got it thanks you already made me feel awesome and um they're gonna go in the back and they might even give me a ticket when i leave so they might take my ticket when i get there look at the ticket then make fun of me then go back to the back and and and bring out a uh a bag or whatever uh a tray maybe of of my knives and they're gonna put them on the table and uh they'll say you know take a look maybe maybe they'll maybe they'll even give me like a carrot to cut just to prove how sharp these knives now are be careful with those all right those are very sharp now much sharper than they were when you br i'm like i get it buddy they're like would you like to cut a carrot i'm like yeah well yeah who wouldn't want to cut a carrot you want to cut we also have i don't you probably don't know this you don't remember but there used to be commercials on uh the television where they would sell knives and and they would be they would take a a can like a can of soup can of pea what i don't know some other metal can and uh they go like this knife can cut through anything and they cut through a knife uh the can with a knife which in your mind you're like well that's destroyed that knife that knife is never coming back from that and then they would go and they'd bring in a tomato and they would just right through it like like the like the the knife was a razor blade like the knife was a laser razor blade and they would just cut right through that tomato and then they'd go back and they would start hacking at uh i don't remember what it was a block of ice or something hard um yeah and then they'd go back and they'd say they'd take a strawberry a sweet delicious little strawberry and they would just so gently cut the strawberry and you'd just go well these knives what are they how do i how do i get them and then they would tell you how much they were how to get them who to call how long it was probably going to take for them to get to you and then you know what i'm like okay i'm not going to do this or anything like that so i just stick with you guys i'm putting this again and what i really like is that cuitlla and with them i do a bunch of this type of thai things i use actually hopefully you'll see it when i do it when i do this in my videos when i use them and i'm just really interested in what this actually looks like but i think what i'd like to make you know is i think about it related to cortical vibrancy like you know my weaponry recipe i thought it was fantastic and i spent so much time different things every time that i made something new because i thought it was better by women than coming back to stuart That's a lot of knives. I would go so far as to say it's an unhealthy, unsafe amount of knives. Like if I'm going to go into a house and I see, you know, people have like a block on their countertop and it's a knife block. And I walk in and I go, oh, look at those knives, cool. But if I walk in and I see two knife blocks, I'm turning around and leaving because you're someone who has too many knives. I don't need to be around that many sharp surfaces. And if there are these magic knives, then they're very sharp, very, very sharp. Anyway, back to my knife story. I'm there. Guy, you want to cut a carrot, whatever. I don't think they'd bring out a can, although that'd be pretty amazing. And you're like, OK, these seem good because what do you I mean, they're knives. You're going to be like, OK, cut a carrot. Awesome. And. And then they'll sort of be like, yeah, well, you know, we also did this to it. We also upgraded you to this. You know, we really felt like and you're like, I just want my knives. I want I just I just want to go home and not have to think about knives anymore for right now. Maybe ever. And then you're like, OK, well, what's what's the damage? What's the bill? How much is this going to cost? Whatever. And then they they. They throw out some number that's so exorbitant, so insanely expensive that you could have gone out and taken. You could have gone to Norway and taken classes on craft knife building. And so you've flown. You're staying there for the two weeks. You are buying the materials. You're paying for the class and you're flying back. And that would have been less money than what they are. Now charging you to sharpen your knives. And so you're in a real conundrum because there's the knives. You've done everything. You took the mocking. You got them sharpened. And now you're looking at a bill and you know, they have you. The work has been done. There's nothing you can do. What are you going to do? You're just going to throw your hands up. You know what? I don't want these knives anymore. But you do because they're your knives. What are you going to what are you going to do when you get home? And people are going to people are going to ask, because you know what people in houses like to do? They like to cut things. They like to cut vegetables. They like to cut fruit. They like to cut meat. They don't like to cut cans. They don't. Well, they should. All right. I'm gonna give you a little secret here. I've discovered that my child, one of my children, we won't say which one, has a tendency to take cans of soda. Cans of seltzer, whatever it is, cans of beverage, say, and he sneaks them out into the yard. You're like, oh, come on, just let the kid have a can of Sprite. No, no, no. He takes the cans and he takes knives like sharp things and he cuts into the cans and then he comes in either covered in sugar water or maybe bleeding. What happened? Oh, yeah. I fell off the slide. What? You fell off the slide? Are you OK? Oh, baby. Then you go outside and you see a massacred can and you're like, this kid does not need any more knives at all.

Producer: The Bumper Podcast is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp with natty bumper comments. It is family friendly, clean, and ridiculous. Thanks a bundle for listening. If you love our show and you'd like to help support the podcast, check out our Patreon page at HTTPS colon forward slash forward slash www.patreon.com forward slash natty bumper car. Also, pretty please subscribe wherever you get your podcasts, share it with everyone everywhere, post about it on all of the social medias, or leave a rating. And review the Bumper Podcast is produced at headquarters in Coffee Can Alley. It's recorded, mixed and produced by producer. The Bumper Podcast features contributions from Aloysius J. Pig, Rufus T. Rufus, Doodle Poodle, Robot, Trunks, and a gaggle of other silly rascals. Our head talker is probably natty bumper car. We also have an absurd newsletter. Check it out and subscribe at natty bumper. Car. Dot com slash subscribe. Also, you can follow me on Instagram and Twitter at natty bumper car. Hugs and hearts. See you soon.

July 29, 2024
Bumperpodcast #440 – Season 3 – I DIED A LITTLE BIT

Dive into the quirky world of Coffee-Can Alley with the Bumperpodcast, a side-splitting improvised comedy podcast that keeps listeners on the edge of their seats. Join the irrepressible Natty Bumpercar as he shares a hilariously harrowing tale of a scary medical mishap. With his trademark wit and charm, Natty takes you on a rollercoaster ride of laughter and absurdity, offering a unique blend of humor and heart in every episode. Tune in for an unforgettable comedic experience that will leave you in stitches and craving more. Don’t miss out—hit play and join Natty Bumpercar on his comedic journey through the ups and downs of life in Coffee-Can Alley!

You should send us an email to bumperpodcast@nattybumpercar.com. We’re here and we’re listening!

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Transcription

Natty Bumpercar 0:00
I’m so strange, so strange. So strange yesterday, I kind of died a little bit, which is I know a strange way to start a podcast, especially the bumper podcast, by the way. Hello, everyone. This is Natty Bumpercar. And this is the bumper podcast, your weekly jump into fun, Ray. And so let’s start it off with with that yesterday. Well, first of all, so I don’t know where anyone is here at the bumper podcast. I haven’t seen pig. I haven’t seen Rufus. I haven’t seen producer and doodle poodle, anybody for weeks. And I come in, and I just kind of click on record and it seems to be working. I mean, the thing is, Do I even need producer? I don’t know, I honestly don’t know. But that is not the question for today. To question for today is what in the world happened yesterday? What in the world? Well, I got up. And I took one of the kids to school. And then I came home back to headquarters here. And I had a little sip of water because water is good for you in the morning. And then the one of the other one of the kids had left, like a little glass of orange juice on the table, and not very much at all. But I was like, oh, I’ll just finish that. Because as a parent, I’m a vulture, and I just go and I finish off whatever the food is, it’s left around. And then I went upstairs and I was gonna go back to bed because I was tired. And it was Monday. And on Mondays. Sometimes I pass out because the weekends are so much fun. That’s what it is. I’m so tired from all the fun that weekends are. I used to love weekends growing up. I remember man, I’d be like, Oh, I can’t wait for the weekend. Everybody’s everybody’s working for the weekend. Here we go. It’s Saturday morning. Whoo. I’m gonna sleep in and then I’m gonna do fun stuff. And now it’s just like, oh, no, no, as a parent, the weekends got in the way it gets here. Oh, no. And then Monday comes in. I’m tired. But so I got into bed. And my hands were weirdly itchy. Like, I was like, What is going on hands? Why are you so itchy. And they were kind of dry. And so I was like, alright, I’ll just go, you know, like, put some lotion on him. And that’ll that’ll fix that. And then I started to feel and this was happening pretty rapidly. My my lip was feeling kind of weird. And it’s like, All right, well, let’s go check it see. And so I went to the bathroom, and I was I was looking for the lotion, and then I shut the mirror. That’s where it is. And I saw my face. And my lip was gigantic, and purple. And my eyes like were swollen almost to being shut and they were bright red. And then not only was the rest of my face, very swollen. But I noticed that my tongue swollen, my throat swollen and the breathing. The breathing was not good. And so I I grabbed my rescue inhaler, and I did the did that. Just hopefully I was like alright, this will open up my airways. And then I was just like, alright, calmly, calmly. Let’s find the shoes. Let’s make sure we have all the stuff the wallet, the phone, the keys are right. Where’s the jacket? Perfect. Let’s go downstairs. Let’s get to the car. Let’s go to the closest urgent care and I was doing this all as the everything was getting much worse. Like the breathing was just like and the like the tongue it was. I don’t I don’t like tongues. I don’t like to talk about tongues. I think they’re weird and kind of gross. But the tongue was a lot. It was a lot more than it’s supposed to be. And I also I couldn’t talk and so really just around the corner not I would say maybe is three quarters of a mile away from the house is is an urgent care. There’s one that’s closer, which is a CVS, but I looked on the thing and they were not open yet. And so I went to the other one. And at a light, there’s two lights in between my house in this place. So at the second light, it was red light. And so I texted my wife and I was just like, Hi, I’m having an allergic reaction. We’re going to urgent care, period. That’s all I saw at time, then the light turned her send light green, off, we go to the urgent care, get to the urgent care Park can’t breathe, like really can’t breathe, stumble into the place, lumbar into the place. There’s no one there. And I look around. And I guess they heard me come in. And so a woman came, you know, behind the desk, and her eyes got enormous. And she said, can I please have your ID? And I was just like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, because it couldn’t talk. I couldn’t speak at all like, rules. No, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, is how I sounded. But worse than that. And then the woman who there’s another woman who kind of looked in and she was like, get him back here now. And they got me back there sat me in the chair and started taking doing my blood. What is the oxygen levels and the thing around my arm to check my blood pressure, and all these things? And it was great. But they were running around like chickens. They were just running around in circles, like, what do we do? What do we do? It’s Monday morning. This is the first guy that comes in what? It’s not a good way to start a week called labor ambulance call the man ambulance quickly. And so the ambulance comes, but it took them about, I want to say eight minutes. I don’t know pretty sure it could have died that eight minutes. And so they get there. And they’re like, should we do an EpiPen? Do we need to do what have you been? And they’re like, get them on the stretcher. It was all very like, but do this. Gotta do this, get into that. And I, they got me on the stretcher. And they were asking all these questions. And they asked me to write down my phone number because I couldn’t say it. And I wrote mine. And then I wrote my wife’s number. And then I said, I was trying to say hold on do you want me to call my wife but they couldn’t understand it because it came out like this rah rah, love, love. And so I took my phone, they were like, We don’t know what you’re saying. So I took my phone and I pressed the you know, I was like call wife. And then I handed them the phone. And then she got a call from a police officer. And you know, when you get that call, it’s scary. And so she you know, I was talking to him about the situation what was going on? Should she come back? And I was like, No, I got this, you know, and then I get whisked to the ambulance. And they put an IV in me and then it’s Benadryl. And then things start to come down a little bit. They were debating whether to do the epi pen or not. And epi pen is like, the guy was telling me about it. And I wish you wouldn’t have it’s a it’s a tube with a giant needle, he said, giant needle that they jam into your leg and then, you know, like, whatever. And it’s what they do. When I guess you’re going into anaphylaxis, which is not good thing. So they, they were going to wait until we got to the emergency room because they were kind of monitoring everything. And I was I still somehow was getting oxygen. Even though I the breathing was just like wow, right, very rapid. And we got to the emergency room on the thing, and then they get me in there and then they start pumping me full of all kinds of other stuff. And you know, I was plugged in, I’ve got tubes, I’ve got things in my fingers things. There was this a lot. And I ended up being at the hospital for like 10 hours. And because they it was it wouldn’t the swelling wouldn’t go down. Like it was very slow, like, my face would get a little bit better. And I realized that about like, three o’clock that I hadn’t eaten anything since pretty much five o’clock the last day and I was just like and they’re like, What, and that’s because everybody was like What What are you saying what? I’m sure. And they were like, oh food. We have two two sandwiches. I was like, oh, not and they gay and then I just like everyone, Apple car or, or yoga. And they’re like, ah, applesauce, we can give you applesauce and I was like oh Huh.

And I’m texting, you know, people updates. This is what’s happening. This is where I am, this is what’s going on yada, yada. I’ll give you updates as I have them. Yeah, and one of the annoying things was I couldn’t go to the bathroom because of these things tied into me. But eventually I was I was like, I was like, the bathroom. And they were like, okay, hold on, well, unclick you unclick I click, I click. And she’s like, okay, it’s doors right down there. And, and I started walking out of the room. They asked me if I could and I said yes. And I got like two feet out of the room, they had forgotten to unplug, like, some major thing. And it knocked me back. And it almost, and the equipment, like almost fell over. And like, so everyone in the emergency room was like, gasp it says everything. Okay? And I was just like, they were like, Oh, we’re sorry. And then I, you know, I use bathroom. And then like, a couple hours later, things were down enough. My face was okay. And they were like, Okay, you seem good. Okay, called the wife. She and the kids came and got me. And I Yeah, you know, it’s better. Now I was given all kinds of medicine, I’m going to see an allergist, see what happened. And because it was very random, and the only thing that we could figure out was it was this orange juice, because that was all I had. And we were looking at the bottle and it was orange juice that had calcium in it. And then I started researching, and it seems like calcium citrate or calcium phosphate, or some of the things that they put into the orange juice that I maybe had a bad reaction to. And so it was a pretty fun day, pretty much everyone thought that I was going to be dead or die or whatever. And my main fear was that they were going to intubate me. So put like a tube in my throat so that I could breathe, because then my fear was, well what is my voice sound like? Like, how is this going to impact how my voice sounds which I use my voice for a lot of things, talking being one of them, but now it’s all fixed except for the cleanup and the tears.

Outro 12:42
The bumper podcast is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp with Natty Bumpercar and some of his pals. It is family friendly, clean and ridiculous. Thanks a bundle for listening. If you love our show, and you’d like to help support the podcast, check out our Patreon page at https colon forward slash forward slash www.patreon.com forward slash Natty Bumpercar also pretty please subscribe wherever you get your podcasts, share it with everyone everywhere. post about it on all of the social medias or leave a rating and review. The bumper podcast is produced at headquarters in coffee Ken alley. It’s recorded mixed and produced by producer. The bumper podcast features contributions from Aloysius jpg Rufus T Rufus doodle poodle, robot trunks and a gaggle of other silly rascals. Our head talker is probably Natty Bumpercar. We also have an absurd newsletter. Check it out and subscribe at Natty bumpercar.com/subscribe Also, you can follow me on Instagram and Twitter at Natty Bumpercar Hugs and hearts See you soon.

NonPro 14:01
This has been a non productive media presentation, executive producer Franco Blaue. This program and many others like it on the nonproductive network is distributed under a Creative Commons Attribution non commercial no derivatives license. Please share it but ask before trying to change it or sell it. For more information visit non dash productive.com

About This Episode

In this intense and dramatic episode of Bumperpodcast, host Natty Bumpercar shares a harrowing real-life experience from the previous day. After drinking leftover orange juice, Natty suffers a severe allergic reaction that sends him rushing to urgent care and then the emergency room. With his face swollen, breathing compromised, and unable to speak, Natty recounts the frightening 10-hour ordeal with his characteristic humor despite the serious circumstances. He describes the emergency response, medical treatment, and his fears about intubation affecting his voice. The episode takes a personal turn as Natty reflects on being alone at podcast headquarters without his usual cast of characters like Rufus, Producer, Pig, and Doodle Poodle, and ends with plans to see an allergist to determine the exact cause of the reaction.

Memorable Quotes

“I saw my face and my lip was gigantic and purple. And my eyes were swollen almost to being shut. And they were bright red.”
— Natty Bumpercar

“My main fear was that they were going to intubate me. What does my voice sound like? Which I use my voice for a lot of things. Talking being one of them.”
— Natty Bumpercar

“I used to love weekends. Now it's just like, oh, no, no. Parent, the weekend's coming. Oh, no.”
— Natty Bumpercar

Topics: #allergicreaction #emergencyroom #health #personalstory #orangejuice #hospital #medicalemergency #parenting

Featuring: Natty Bumpercar, Producer

Full Transcript

Natty Bumpercar: so strange so strange so strange yesterday i kind of died a little bit which is i know a strange way to start a podcast especially the bumper podcast by the way hello everyone this is natty bumper car and this is the bumper podcast um your weekly jump into fun hooray and so let's start it off with uh with that yesterday well first off also i don't know where anyone is here at the bumper podcast i haven't seen pig i haven't seen uh rufus i haven't seen producer and doodle poodle anybody for weeks and i come in ged Kind of click on record and it seems to be working. I mean, the thing is, do I even need producer? I don't know. I honestly don't know. But that is not the question for today. The question for today is, what in the world happened yesterday? What in the world? Well, I got up and I took one of the kids to school. And then I came home back to headquarters here. And I had a little sip of water because water is good for you in the morning. And then one of the kids had left like a little glass of orange juice on the table. And not very much at all. But I was like, oh, I'll just finish that because as a parent, I'm a vulture. And I just go and I finish off whatever the food is that's left around. And then I went upstairs and I was going to go back to bed because I was tired. And it was Monday. And on Mondays, sometimes I pass out because the weekends are so much fun. That's what it is. I'm so tired from all the fun that weekends are. I used to love weekends. Growing up, I remember, man, I'd be like, oh, I can't wait for the weekend. Everybody's working for the weekend. Here we go. It's Saturday morning. Woo. I'm going to sleep in and then I'm going to do fun stuff. And now it's just like, oh, no, no. Parent, the weekend's coming. The weekend's here. Oh, no. And then Monday comes and I'm tired. But so I got into bed and my hands were weirdly itchy. Like, I was like, what is going on, hands? Why are you so itchy? And they were kind of dry. And so I was like, all right, I'll just go, you know, like put some lotion on them. And that'll fix it. It'll fix that. And then I started to feel, and this was happening pretty rapidly. My lip was feeling kind of weird. And I was like, oh, all right, well, let's go check and see. And so I went to the bathroom and I was looking for the lotion. And then I shut the mirror. That's where it is. And I saw my face and my lip was gigantic and purple. And my eyes, like, were swollen almost to being shut. And they were bright red. And then not only was the rest of my face very swollen, but I noticed that my tongue swollen, my throat swollen, and the breathing, the breathing was not good. And so I grabbed my rescue inhaler. And I did that. Just hopefully, I was like, all right, this will open up my airways. And then I was just like, all right, calmly, calmly. Let's find the shoes. Let's make sure we have all the stuff, the wallet, the phone, the keys. All right. Where's a jacket? Perfect. Let's go downstairs. Let's get to the car. Let's go to the closest urgent care. And I was doing this all as the everything was getting. Much worse. Like, the breathing was just like. And the, like, the tongue. It was, I don't like tongues. I don't like to talk about tongues. I think they're weird and kind of gross. But the tongue was a lot. It was a lot more than it's supposed to be. And I also, I couldn't talk. And so. Really, just around the corner. I would say maybe three-quarters of a mile away from the house is an urgent care. There's one that's closer, which is a CVS. But I looked on the thing, and they were not open yet. And so I went to the other one. And at a light, there's two lights in between my house and this place. So at the second light, it was red light. And so I texted my wife, and I was just like, hi. Hey, having an allergic reaction. We're going to urgent care. Period. That's all I had time. Then the light turned green. Send. Light green. Off we go to the urgent care. Get to the urgent care. Park. Can't breathe. Like, really can't breathe. Stumble into the place. Lumber into the place. There's no one there. And I look around, and I guess they heard me come in. And so a woman came behind the desk, and her eyes got enormous. And she said, can I please have your ID? And I was just like, because I couldn't talk. I couldn't speak at all. Like, is how I sounded. But worse than that. And then the woman who, there's another woman who kind of looked in, and she was like, get him back here now. And they got me back there, sat me in a chair, and started taking, doing my blood, what is it? Oxygen? Oxygen levels. And the thing around my arm to check my blood pressure and all these things. And it was great. But they were running around like chickens. They were just running around in circles. Like, ah, what do we do? What do we do? It's Monday morning. This is the first guy that comes in. Ah, this is not a good way to start a week. Call the ambulance. Call the ambulance quickly. And so the ambulance comes. But it tipped them about, I want to say, eight minutes. I don't know. Pretty sure I could have died that eight minutes. And so they get there, and they were like, should we do an EpiPen? Do we need to do an EpiPen? And they were like, get him on the stretcher. It was all very like, bah, do this, got to do this, got to do that. And they got me on the stretcher. And they were asking all these questions, and they asked me to write down my phone number because I couldn't say it. And I wrote mine, and then I wrote my wife's number. And then I said, I was trying to say, hold on, do you want me to call my wife? But they couldn't understand it because it came out like this. And so I took my phone. And they were like, we don't know what you're saying. So I took my phone, and I pressed the, you know, I was like, call wife. And then I handed them the phone. And then she got a call from a police officer. And, you know, when you get that call, it's scary. And so she, you know, was talking to him about the situation, what was going on. Should she come back? And I was like, no, I got this, you know. And then I get whisked. And then I went to the ambulance, and they put an IV in me, and then it's Benadryl. And then things start to calm down a little bit. They were debating whether to do the EpiPen or not. And an EpiPen is like, the guy was telling me about it, and I wish he wouldn't have. It's a tube with a giant needle. He said giant needle that they jam into your leg and then, you know, like whatever. And it's what they do when, I guess, you're going into anaphylaxis. Which is not a good thing. So they were going to wait until we got to the emergency room, because they were kind of monitoring everything. And I still somehow was getting oxygen, even though the breathing was just like very rapid. And we got to the emergency room. I'm on the thing, and then they get me in there, and then they start pumping me full of all kinds of other stuff. And, you know, I have all this oxygen. I'm plugged in. I've got tubes. I've got things on my fingers. It was just a lot. And I ended up being at the hospital for like 10 hours. Because the swelling wouldn't go down. Like it was very slow. Like my face would get a little bit better. And I realized at about like 3 o'clock that I hadn't eaten anything since. It was pretty much 5 o'clock the last day. And I was just like, please have some food. And they were like, what? And that's because everybody was like, what? What are you saying? What? And I was like, give me some food. And they were like, oh, food. We have tuna sandwiches. And I was like, no. Nothing is happening. And then I was just like, I didn't want apple pie or pudding or yogurt. And they were like, ah, applesauce. We can give you applesauce. And I was like, . And I'm texting people updates. This is what's happening. This is where I am. This is what's going on. Yada, yada. I'll give you updates as I have them. Yeah. And one of the annoying things was I couldn't go to the bathroom because I had all these things tied into me. But eventually, I was just like, I hurt myself. I have to use the bathroom. And they were like, OK, hold on. We'll unclick you. Unclick, unclick, unclick. And she's like, OK, the door's right down there. And I started to walk out of the room. And they asked me if I could. And I said yes. And I got like two feet out of the room. They had forgotten to unplug a major thing. And it knocked me back. And the equipment almost fell over. So everyone in the emergency room was like, gasp? Is everything OK? And I was just like . And they were like, oh, we're sorry. And then I used the bathroom. And then a couple hours later, things were down enough. My face was OK. And I could talk . And they were like, OK, you seem good. I was like, OK. Called the wife. She and the kids came and got me. And I, yeah. I was better now. I was given all kinds of medicine. I'm going to see an allergist to see what happened. And because it was very random. And the only thing that we could figure out was it was this orange juice. Because that was all I had. And we were looking at the bottle. And it was orange juice that had calcium in it. And then I started researching. And it seems like calcium citrate or calcium phosphate are some of the things that they put into the orange juice that I maybe had a bad reaction to. And so it was a pretty fun day. Pretty much everyone thought that I was going to be dead or die or whatever. And my main fear was that they were going to intubate me. So put like a tube in my throat so that I could breathe. Because then my fear was, well, what does my voice sound like? Like how is this going to impact how my voice sounds? Which I use my voice for a lot of things. Talking being one of them. But now it's all fixed except for the cleanup and the tears.

Producer: The Bumper Podcast is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp with Natty Bumpercar and some of his pals. It is family friendly, clean, and ridiculous. Thanks a bundle for listening. If you love our show and you'd like to help support the podcast, check out our Patreon page at https://www.patreon.com/. Also, pretty please subscribe wherever you get your podcasts. Share it with everyone everywhere. Post about it on all of the social medias. Or leave a rating and review. The Bumper Podcast is produced at Headquarters in Coffee Camp. It's recorded, mixed, and produced by a producer. The Bumper Podcast features contributions from Aloysius J. Pig, Rufus T. Rufus, Doodle Poodle, Robot, Trunks, and a gaggle of other silly rascals. Our head talker is probably Natty Bumpercar. We also have an absurd newsletter. Check it out and subscribe at nattybumpercar.com/. Also, you can follow me on Instagram. You can follow me on Instagram and Twitter at Natty Bumpercar. Hugs and hearts. See you soon. This has been a non-productive media presentation. Executive Producer, Frank Hablawi. This program and many others like it on the Non-Productive Network is distributed under a Creative Commons Attribution Non-Commercial No Derivatives License. Please share it, but ask before trying to change it or sell it. For more information, visit non-productive.com/. For more information, visit non-productive.com/.

Natty Bumpercar: For more information, visit non-productive.com/.

Unknown: Thank you

March 12, 2024
Bumperpodcast #438 – Season 3 – Dogs and Cheese

Welcome to Coffee Can Alley! Welcome to the Bumperpodcast, your go-to destination for uproariously silly improvised comedy.

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Natty Bumpercar 0:08
All right. Hey, how does work for the podcast like in normal life? If you’re near someone and then they yawn, then for some reason, I don’t know what you but you yawn as well. I do. I don’t know if you do. I think you do. Do you? Why is that? It’s like a yawn response. Like, why are we why are we triggered? I’m just I’m glad doesn’t happen when we sneeze, like one person sneezes, and then the whole table sneezing? That’d be terrible. But yawning, that’s weird to like, why? Anyway, I apologize. I didn’t mean to yawn. This is Natty Bumpercar. And this is a bumper podcast I I had been out and about and I, you know, I’m, I’m working on the show here. Go into the different the different countries where the bumper podcast is on the charts. It’s actually we were we’ve made it to the charts. And, you know, talking to people, oh, they said, you need a theme song. Gotta go get a theme song. I was just like, ah, we okay, we’ll get a theme song. And then they’re like, you know, you got to do everybody don’t have an opinion, you know what you got to do? And I was just like, I don’t know, what’s, what am I supposed to do? And then they tell me all these things. And I, at some point, while they’re speaking, my eyes kind of glaze over. And my brain goes to another place. And if I’m to be completely honest, I don’t know what they’ve said to me. But I’m sure they’ve given me great advice. And then I feel guilty, because these people have given their time to try to tell me, you know, get to help me to tell me what to do. And then I don’t even listen. How ungrateful is that? Tremendously ungrateful? Huh? Well, else is going on. I’ve been working on the railroad, like, Oh, my live long days. But mostly, I’ve been working on the railroad, just just to pass the time away. Because I’m not busy enough. I I like to I like to I have a therapist, I was talking to my therapist about. She said, You seem overwhelmed. seem like you’re taking too much stuff on I was just like, Yeah. And she’s like, but you I know you like to do that. And you told me that, you know, as long as you’re feeling okay, then that’s okay. Are you feeling okay? And I was like, No. And so then she was like, well, then you need to take some stuff off of your plate, and stop doing as much stuff. And I was just like, Okay, that sounds good. And practice, those are good words, have no idea how to actually make that happen. And then she said, Well, your session is over, and come back in a couple of weeks. And by that time, either, you will have figured it out. Or we can work on it then, or knowing you, you’re probably gonna start three more companies and take on 16 more impossible tasks. And I was just like, all right, that sounds like a challenge. That’s your it seems like you’re saying, Can you do these things? And I’m going to tell you right now, yes, I can. I can. I can do all those things. And I’m here to tell you a bumper podcast I’ve I’ve succeeded in doing that. I am quite proud of myself. And I feel like you should be quite proud of me as well. Because I have managed to, not only not complete, not finish any projects, but I have managed to actually take more projects on. It’s very impressive. It’s my superpower. Really, if I had to, you know, figure that I have a superpower I think it’s going to be that I just continually add on to the pile it’s almost like a weighted blanket. It’s not you know, it’s like oh, the world is so nice and calm it’s not but you know, just for the sake of this relaxing the world of this world. Oh spring its spring again. It’s not Oh, look out. The weather’s beautiful and my I’ve had a nice meal again. You don’t haven’t really eaten today, but that’s my fault. There’s not any reason other than me. Okay, Oh, perfect. Everything great. Oh, Ah, you know, and then you go, you know what I’m going to do? I’m not going to take on all a lot of projects, I’m going to take on the appropriate amount of projects, which is not because life itself is a project, taking care of the kids having the job taking care of the dogs, these are all projects, making sure that the car is working properly, making sure that you know, there’s just there’s in life, there’s this massive list, it seems of things you can’t get away from. And you know, those are big responsibility. And make sure the kids brush their teeth. Did they? Do they floss their teeth? Oh, I don’t know. Look, that one’s already asleep. How do I get him to brush his teeth when he’s already asleep? So then, why in the world? Would I go and look for more things, more responsibilities to add on to the file? Now? I don’t know. I don’t know. I mean, I’m, I’m, I’m asking you a question. Because I don’t know the answer. And I wish I did. Sometimes, I think that what I do, and maybe we’ve talked about this before, I honestly don’t remember, and I apologize for that. But what I like to do is if I just keep adding more stuff on to my weighted blanket of life, then well, I don’t know what I think is gonna happen with what ends up happening is the weighted blanket gets so heavy with all the responsibilities that I can’t move. And then you know what I do? I sleep under the weighted blanket, it’s very warm. I must say. The dogs love it, because I’m not moving so they can just curl right up to me. I had no idea like, I’ve had dogs before, but I had no idea how much the dogs that they’d like to sleep. Like, that’s all they do really asleep. All right, come for podcast. I don’t know if you’ve ever been in the middle of recording a really great episode of your podcast, which I understand is not what we were doing a second ago there. But let’s say that I was recording a really good episode of the podcast. And you know, you’re just really moving and you’re talking and you’re saying things and you’re like, Yeah, this feels great. And then your kid bursts in and says, Hey, stop talking to your computer. And I’m just like, oh, that really, really boils it down, doesn’t it? That really hurts. Stop talking to your computer, dad. Ouch. Ha. Because I mean, I mean, in essence, that’s all I’m doing really is I’m talking. I mean, I’m looking at a computer. I’m talking into a microphone. And, you know, I have I have headphones on so that, you know, there’s there’s, you know, there’s a few things that are going on. But I felt like he had gotten me good enough that there was no reason for me to, to try to retort to try to try to come back. He had beaten me down as only your children can. What was I talking about? It is that’s the thing. This was yesterday. And now it’s today. And I I don’t know. I? I wasn’t ready to you know, I yesterday, I ate oatmeal for breakfast. And today, I ate grits. grits are just little tiny bits of corn. And there were some cheese in it and some pepper and a little bit of garlic salt. If I’m to be completely honest, maybe maybe some cheese, maybe maybe more cheese than I intended. But you know, that’s how cheese works. And they say how much cheese would you like on this year, like, keep going and then it’s always just a little bit more than you anticipated or wanted. And that’s fine. It’s a good problem to have. It’s different than like gasoline in your car. Right with cheese. They say how much do you get like, fill it up? Keep going. Let’s go. And they’re like, What does fill it up mean with cheese? And you’re like, I don’t know, but we’re on this journey together. Let’s see what happens. So you know, if you do that at a gas station, you’re filling your car up and we’re like, what did you What do you want? You’re like, fill it up and they’re like, Okay, no problem and then they do and then you know the little gas handle thing goes click one because that means it’s full. It’s registered that the car is full and gas and you’re like, you know what, let’s keep going there. You can’t because then the gas spills everywhere and And then you know, it’s a fire hazard. Cheese, not so much. The only hazard that Jesus is a fun hazard

for maj hazard. I don’t know what it is. So anyway, you know, I think I was saying something about the dogs being lazy. I don’t know why I think that but I, this is kind of always on my mind how lazy the dogs are, the only time the dogs get up. And this is nice of them is when they have to use the restroom, which is what we call our back yard now because that’s, you know, what happens back there. It’s it’s, and they get up when they when they’re hungry. And they get up to, to bark, sometimes to shake, you know, a lot of shaking going on. Little ear scratching, that’s gonna it’s gonna happen probably two or three in the morning. Which is I think why they sleep all the time. I think the dogs sleep all the time, because they don’t just sleep through the night. And they don’t let me sleep through the night. And I think that the message they’re trying to tell me is, hey, you know what, why don’t you just hop on our schedule here and curl up into a ball, find one ray of sunshine, curl up in that little ray of sunshine, and pretend that it’s really warming you up? It’s not, but you can pretend it is. My assumption is that my dogs have very good imagination, and that they can really, you’re like, Yep, this is it’s woof, the sun is really giving it to me here. It’s kind of like when the door opens. And there’s a couple of birds in the backyard. And they run over to what I can only assume is to talk to the birds. Let them know hey, what’s going on? I haven’t seen in a while ah, spring is coming up. But then do the birds always fly off because they don’t want any part of that conversation. Right? I don’t know. I would love to have that conversation. I would love for spring to be here. Because you know what happens when when spring rolls around? Well, I get to sleep better because the time change is nice. There’s sun and there’s vitamins. And the most important thing of all, and I think you’re gonna agree with me then this thing here but Bob louder is that there’s a lot of cheese

Outro 12:42
the bumper podcast is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp with Natty Bumpercar and some of his pals. It is family friendly, clean and ridiculous. Thanks a bundle for listening. If you love our show, and you’d like to help support the podcast, check out our Patreon page at https colon forward slash forward slash www.patreon.com forward slash Natty Bumpercar also pretty please subscribe wherever you get your podcasts, share it with everyone everywhere. post about it on all of the social medias or leave a rating and review. The bumper podcast is produced at headquarters in coffee Ken alley. It’s recorded mixed and produced by producer. The bumper podcast features contributions from Aloysius jpg Rufus T Rufus doodle poodle, robot trunks and a gaggle of other silly rascals. Our head talker is probably Natty Bumpercar. We also have an absurd newsletter. Check it out and subscribe at Natty bumpercar.com/subscribe Also, you can follow me on Instagram and Twitter at Natty Bumpercar Hugs and hire. See you soon.

NonPro 14:01
This has been a non productive media presentation, executive producer Frank Blaue. This program and many others like it on the nonproductive network is distributed under a Creative Commons Attribution non commercial no derivatives license. Please share it but ask before trying to change it or sell it. For more information visit non dash productive.com

About This Episode

In this episode of Bumperpodcast, host Natty Bumpercar reflects on the contagious nature of yawning and shares updates from his travels promoting the show, which has made it onto the charts in multiple countries. Natty hilariously recounts a therapy session about his habit of taking on too many projects and responsibilities, only to admit he's done the opposite of his therapist's advice. He muses about weighted blankets as a metaphor for life's mounting responsibilities, gets interrupted by his kid telling him to "stop talking to your computer," and contemplates the important differences between cheese and gasoline. The episode meanders through observations about lazy dogs, sleep schedules, and the promise of spring, all delivered in Natty's signature rambling, stream-of-consciousness style.

Memorable Quotes

“Your kid bursts in and says, Hey, stop talking to your computer. And I'm just like, Oh, that really, that really boils it down. Doesn't it? That really hurts.”
— Natty Bumpercar

“My superpower really if I had to figure that I have a superpower I think it's going to be that I just continually add on to my life.”
— Natty Bumpercar

“With cheese, they say, how much do you get? Like, fill it up, keep going, let's go. And they're like, what does fill it up mean with cheese?”
— Natty Bumpercar

Topics: #therapy #productivity #dogs #parenting #spring #cheese #sleep #self-reflection

Featuring: Natty Bumpercar, Producer

Full Transcript

Natty Bumpercar: all right i just keep on yawning i wonder how this works with a podcast like in normal life if you're near someone and then they yawn then for some reason i don't know what but you you yawn as well i do i don't know if you do i think you do do you why is that it's like a yawn response like why are we why are we triggered i'm just i'm glad it doesn't happen when we sneeze like one person sneezes and then the whole table sneezing that'd be terrible but yawning that's weird too like why anyway i apologize i didn't mean to yawn this is natty bumper car and uh this is bumper podcast i uh i've been out and about and i uh you know i'm i'm working on the show here uh going to the different uh the uh different countries uh where the bumper podcast is he's on the charts it's actually we we've made it to the charts and uh you know talking to people oh they said you need a theme song gotta go get a theme song and i was just like ah we okay we'll get a theme song and then they're like you know what you got to do and everybody they all have an opinion you know what you got to do and i was just like i don't know what what what am i supposed to do and then they tell me all these things and i i at some point while they're speaking my my eyes kind of glaze over and my brain goes to another place and uh if i'm to be completely honest i don't know what they've said to me uh but i'm sure they've given me great advice and and then i feel guilty because these people have given their time to try to tell me you know get to help me to tell me what to do and then i i don't even listen how how ungrateful is that tremendously ungrateful oh what else is going on i've been working on uh the railroad like all my live long days uh but mostly i've been working on the railroad uh just just to pass the time away um because i'm not busy enough i um i i like to i like to i have a therapist i was talking to my therapist about uh she said you seem overwhelmed seem like you're taking too much stuff on i was just like yeah and she's like but you i know you like to do that and you told me that you know as long as you're feeling okay then that's okay are you feeling okay and i was just like no and uh so then she was like well then you need to take some stuff off of your plate and stop doing as much stuff and i'm like well i'm just like i'm just like i'm just like i'm just i was just like okay that sounds good in practice those are good words i have no idea how to actually make that happen and um then she said uh well your session is over and come back in a couple weeks and uh by that time either you will have figured it out or we can work on it then or knowing you you're probably gonna start three more companies and take on 16 more uh impossible tasks and i was just like all right that sounds like a challenge that's it seems like you're saying can you do these things and i'm gonna tell you right now yes i can i can i can do all those things um and uh i'm here to tell you bumper podcast i've i've succeeded in doing that i am quite proud of myself and i feel like you should be quite proud of me as well because uh i have managed to uh not only not complete not finish uh any projects but i have managed to actually take more projects on it's very impressive uh it's my superpower really if i had to you know figure that i have a superpower i think it's going to be um that i just continually add on to my life and i'm going to keep doing it and i'm going to keep more projects uh i'm going to be able to continue to work heavy and reflect and improve more on myself and and i think that's probably what inspired me to want to remain open um and me with uh this نیس كلمن g wa无 سال i think generally vaccinations have the same implications as you as a entrepreneur although this is my trick so if i were to just do a cost on profit i could get a little low so let's get down to business from me so i'm going to say yes i garden for this all right i'm talking about residual 쓰기 all right Uh, oh, okay. Oh, look how perfect everything. Great. Ah, you know, and then you go, you know what I'm going to do? I'm not going to take on a lot of projects. I'm going to take on the appropriate amount of projects, which, uh, is none because life itself is a project. Taking care of the kids, having the job, taking care of the dogs. These are all projects. Making sure that the car is working properly, making sure that, you know, there's just, there's in life, there's this massive list. It seems of things that you can't get away from. And, and, you know, those are a big responsibility. And, uh, do I make sure the kids brush their teeth? Did they, did they floss their teeth? Oh, I don't know. Look, that one's already asleep. How do I get him to brush his teeth when he's already asleep? So then why in the world would I go and look for more things, more responsibilities to add onto the pile? I don't know. I don't know. I mean, I'm, I'm, I'm asking you a question because I don't know the answer. And, uh, I wish I did. Sometimes I think that what I do, and maybe we've talked about this before. I honestly don't remember. And I apologize for that. But what I like to do is, uh, if I just keep adding more stuff onto my weighted blanket, of life, uh, then, uh, well, I don't know what I think is going to happen, but what ends up happening is the weighted blanket gets so heavy with all the responsibilities that I can't move. And then, you know what I do? Uh, I sleep under the weighted blanket. It's very warm. I must say, um, the dogs love it because I'm not moving so they can just curl right up to me. Uh, I had no idea. Like I've had, you know, dogs before, but, uh, I had no idea how much the dogs, they like to sleep. Like that's all they do really is sleep. All right. Bumper podcast. I don't know if you've ever been in the middle of recording a really great episode of your podcast, which I understand is not what we were doing, uh, a second ago there, but let's say that I was recording a really, really good episode of the podcast. And, uh, you know, you're just really moving and you're talking and you're saying things and you're like, yeah, this feels great. And then your, uh, kid bursts in and says, Hey, stop talking to your computer. And I'm just like, Oh, that really, that really boils it down. Doesn't it? That really hurts. Stop talking to your computer, dad. Ouch. Huh? Cause I mean, I mean, in essence, all I'm doing really is I'm talking, I mean, I'm looking at a computer, I'm talking into a microphone and, uh, you know, I have, I have headphones on so that, you know, there's, there's, uh, you know, there's a few things that are going on, but, uh, I felt like he had, um, gotten me good enough that there was no reason for me to, uh, to try to retort, to try to, to try to come back. Uh, he, he had beaten me down as, as only your children can. Uh, what was I talking about? It is. That's the thing. This was yesterday and now it's today. And I, uh, I don't know. I, I wasn't ready to, you know, I, yesterday I ate oatmeal for breakfast and, and today I ate grits. Grits are just little tiny bits of corn and there was some cheese in it and some pepper and a little bit of garlic salt. If I'm to be completely honest, uh, maybe, maybe some cheese, maybe, maybe more cheese than I intended, but you know, that's how cheese works. And they say, how much cheese would you like on this? And you're like, keep going. And then it's always just a little bit more than you anticipated or wanted. And that's fine. That's a good problem to have. Uh, it's different than like a gasoline in your car, right? With cheese, they say, how much do you get? Like, fill it up, keep going, let's go. And they're like, what does fill it up mean with cheese? And you're like, I don't know, but we're on this journey together. Let's see what happens. So, you know, if you do that at a gas station, you're filling your car up and they're like, what did you, what do you want? And you're like, ah, fill it up. And they're like, okay, no problem. And then they do. And then, you know, the little gas handle thing goes click because that means it's full. It's registered that the car is full of gas. And you're like, you know what? Let's keep going there. You can't because then the gas spills, uh, everywhere. And, and you know, it's a fire hazard cheese. Not so much. The only hazard that cheese is, is a fun hazard, uh, fromage hazard. I don't know what it is. Uh, so anyway, you know, I think I was saying something about the dogs being lazy. I don't know why I think that, but I, uh, this is kind of always, on my mind, how, how, how lazy the dogs, the only time the dogs get up, uh, and this is nice of them is when they have to use the, uh, the restroom, which is what we call our backyard now, because that's, you know, what happens back there. It's in, it's, and they, uh, get up when they, uh, when they're hungry and, uh, they get up to, uh, to bark sometimes to, to shake, you know, a lot of shaking going on, uh, a little, ear scratching. That's going to, that's going to happen probably at two or three in the morning. Um, which is, I think why they sleep all the time. I think the dogs sleep all the time because they don't just sleep through the night and they don't let me sleep through the night. And I think that the message they're trying to tell me is, Hey, you know what? Why don't you just hop onto our schedule here and, uh, curl up into a ball, find one ray of sunshine, curl up in that little ray of sunshine and, uh, pretend that it's really warming you up. It's not, but you can pretend it is. My assumption is that my dogs have very good, uh, imagination and that they can really, you're like, yep, this is, it's woof. The sun is really giving it to me here. It's kind of like when, uh, the door opens and there's a couple of birds in the backyard and they, they run over. What I can only assume is to talk to the birds, uh, let them know, Hey, what's going on? I haven't seen you in a while. Oh, spring is coming, huh? But the birds always fly off because they don't want any part of that conversation, right? I don't know. I, I would love to have that conversation. I would love for spring to be here because you know what happens, uh, when, when spring rolls around, well, uh, I get to sleep better because the time change is nice. There's sun and there's vitamins. And the most important thing of all, uh, is that the birds don't want to be in the And I think you're going to agree with me than this thing here is, is that there's a lot of cheese.

Producer: The bumper podcast is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp with Natty bumper car and some of his pals. It is family friendly, clean, and ridiculous. Thanks a bundle for watching. If you love our show and you'd like to help support the podcast, check out our Patreon page at HTTPS colon forward slash forward slash www.patreon.com forward slash Natty bumper car. Also pretty, please subscribe wherever you get your podcasts, share it with everyone everywhere, post about it on all of the social medias or leave a rating and review. The bumper podcast is produced at headquarters in coffee can alley. It's recorded mixed and produced by producer. The bumper podcast features contributions from Aloysius J pig, Rufus T Rufus, doodle poodle, robot trunks, and a gag, all of other silly rascals. Our head talker is probably Natty bumper car. We also have an absurd newsletter. Check it out and subscribe at Natty bumper car.com slash subscribe. Also, you can follow me on Instagram and Twitter at Natty bumper car. Hugs and hearts. See you soon.

Natty Bumpercar: Hugs and hearts. See you soon.

February 22, 2024
Bumperpodcast #431 – Season 3 – Attendance

“Attendance” is a lively and humorous episode from the Bumperpodcast, an improvised comedy podcast that takes place in the quirky town of Coffee-Can Alley. In this episode, Natty Bumpercar takes center stage as he delves into a range of comical topics, including the trials and tribulations of dealing with messy children, the absurdity of promotions, and the hilarity of receiving awards.

As Natty shares his hilarious anecdotes and observations, listeners are treated to a blend of witty banter and relatable humor. With his unique storytelling style and knack for finding humor in everyday situations, Natty’s comedic charm shines through. The episode invites you into the whimsical world of Coffee-Can Alley, where anything can happen, and laughter is guaranteed.

“Attendance” captures the essence of the Bumperpodcast, offering a lighthearted and entertaining experience for comedy enthusiasts. With its blend of improvisation and clever comedic insights, this episode is a delightful addition to the show’s repertoire. So sit back, relax, and join Natty Bumpercar as he takes you on a hilarious journey through the ups and downs of messy children, promotions, and the whimsical world of Coffee-Can Alley.

You should send us an email to bumperpodcast@nattybumpercar.com. We’re here and we’re listening!

Go like our Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/TheBumperpodcast/)!! Also, The Bumperpodcast can now be found on the https://non-productive.com/ network. Yay!!!! Also, also, we have a Patreon page now!!! https://www.patreon.com/nattybumpercar

Podcast: Download | Embed
Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | iHeartRadio | RSS | subscribe

About This Episode

In this episode of Bumperpodcast, Natty Bumpercar hilariously recounts the chaos of end-of-school-year ceremonies and his messy household. With kids tracking mud and wet clothes throughout the house and using hundreds of towels, Natty compares his laundry routine to painting a bridge. He describes attending his younger child's fourth-grade promotion ceremony and clap-out celebration, complete with a bubble machine, then rushing 40 minutes to his older child's awards ceremony. Despite the frantic schedule and uncertainty about which award his son would receive, Natty manages to arrive just in time to film his child winning the attendance award. The episode captures the exhausting but heartwarming reality of parenting during the busy school year's end.

Memorable Quotes

“I'm not saying that my house is a disaster area but a FEMA trailer did just pull up in our driveway.”
— Natty Bumpercar

“We went through 800 towels. It was like when they paint bridges – they start at one end and by the time they get to the other side, it's time to go back to the beginning again.”
— Natty Bumpercar

“He won an award for attendance. We came down, we rushed down for that. It was great.”
— Natty Bumpercar

Topics: #parenting #schoolceremonies #householdchaos #endofschoolyear #familylife #attendanceawards #summer

Featuring: Natty Bumpercar

Full Transcript

Natty Bumpercar: i i'm not saying that my house is is a disaster a disaster area but a uh a fema trailer did just pull up in our driveway uh it's it's pretty uh it's pretty messy pretty pretty bad pretty it's been raining a lot the children go out of the house into the house out of the house into the house sometimes out of the back door around into the front door sometimes if it's not raining and you're like oh well at least we're not gonna have muddy footprints they'll run out there they'll jump in our it's not even a pool it's a it's a puddle they'll jump in the puddle and then they'll they'll run back in and when it's when it's that then they're also wearing a lot of wet clothes and and so as they're running with feet they're also just just throwing their clothes all around the house shirts are hanging on lamps there's uh bathing suits that are just you know just been tossed wherever they land uh towels so the last week we had a day where we went through 800 towels now we don't have 800 towels in our house you know i but we have we just keep we keep washing them and drying them over and over it was just this constant cycle it it was like when they paint bridges they start at one end of the bridge and they start painting and then by the time they get to the other side of the bridge then they know it's time to go back to the beginning again because that's how long it takes evidently and so it's just this constant cycle and that's how we were with towels uh and then they're like i want to take a shower i'm like oh my gosh you just came in from the pool you just came in from rain why do you why why do you need to spread more uh moisture around my house it's too much the uh and you know they they like to take uh they'll take baths and then they throw toys in the bathtub and so then you can't go and take a shower yourself because it's just it's become a toy bin a bin of of wet toys i know i sound like i'm complaining a lot well that's because i am um here's the thing though we're heading into summer school is over the younger one just moved from fourth grade to fifth grade they had something called a promotion you've been promoted congratulations did i get a raise no did i get a corner office no of course not you didn't get a corner office but you got a promotion do i get to wear a mortise and pestle whatever the thing the little the hat and wait mortise and i don't know the uh do i get to wear a cape do i get sometimes people do i get the little ropes like they go around you know like that say something i did what no you're just gonna go up you're gonna wear whatever you're gonna wear we have no no say in that we're not gonna control it we're not going to do it we're not going to do it we're not going to do it you know send any uh anything home to your parents any kind of direction like hey it might be nice if you wear this no no we're just gonna throw caution to the wind and you'll show up wearing whatever you want to show up wearing and that's fine and then you're gonna stand up in the gym in front of all your parents and your you know your aunts and uncles and siblings and uh grandparents and just all these people and you know you're we're gonna say sweet things you're gonna sing a sweet song you're gonna make people cry that's what that's what you're here i bet that was the pep talk that they uh gave them before they came into the gym they were like all right fourth graders let's gather around gather around all right do you know why we're here today and one kid was like promotion and she was like no well yeah but no the reason we're here today is to make people cry make them sad make them think about how you you used to be tiny and now you're less tiny but you're still kind of tiny but you're definitely on the track of less tiny um and they're like what and she's like ah don't worry about all that you know she's at a whiteboard like drawing it out with a marker and then having to do the erasing thing where it doesn't really erase and then asking someone for the spray bottle so she can spray and then she doesn't have a napkin to wipe it off with it's just a whole thing and so you know that's what they that that was their goal and i'm gonna tell you right here right now they did not succeed with me i thought i was i was a goner i i went into this place i was feeling a little tightness in the throat a little tightness in the chest felt like uh the air was really dry oh i'm not gonna make it i'm not i can't make it but then i i did the thing and it was all so fast that it was like a whirlwind and i was just like i i okay i'm fine i i i serve this is i did it i made it through the promotion i feel like i should get a promotion myself for being the parent that didn't cry i don't know or maybe i could just get an accolade for that problem was that was one of the days the next day they do something called a clap out what is a clap out you're probably school from pre-k k first second third all of the teachers they line the hallways and at the front door of the school all of the parents are all in a big mob and you can hear it's coming through the school they're clapping it's it's wave of clapping and i brought a bubble machine and i put it by the front door because nothing says a clap out like a bubble machine to me and and i had the bubbles going and then you hear this just wave of clapping coming and and then they they are they they come out of the school but there's no like pause again it happened so quickly that they they came out and then they just ran to the to their left and it was just like oh okay my emotions don't work that fast anymore like maybe when i was young i was like oh my god i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry and i had less control of the emotions but now you know if i'm gonna get it's gonna take a while for me to to crank up the emotion machine you know to really i gotta i gotta be really ready you know so it takes me it takes a lot for me to get uh angry or sad or or whatever or or happy for that matter uh but yeah so this it moved so fast that it didn't happen and uh we immediately had to get in the car after this clap out and uh you know we're high-fiving people we're patting people on the shoulder congratulations you know you did it parents ah good job uh but then we had to get in the car and drive 40 minutes to the other kid's school now mind you this clap out started at 12 30 right and we were there for about 10 15 minutes the other child had an award ceremony that was supposed to start at one o'clock and he's about 40 minutes away and my kid was like in the car he was like wait what time does this start one o'clock well how's this gonna work i you know what we're just in the car we're gonna get down there when we get down there we're gonna do our best okay but you you realize it's it's 12 uh 45 now and yeah i can see the clock and i'm i'm just gonna keep on driving i'm gonna get down there as quick as i can you know and hope hope that we get to see the ceremony hope that we get to see him win an award and the award here's how it worked we got an email that said hey there's this award ceremony on this day at this time uh please come uh your child has been selected uh to win one of the awards which is very exciting you know but that's all the information you have so the grandparents actually came down they drove down to the award ceremony they got there before us saved us a couple of seats and we managed to get there at 1 11 so it took us around 27 minutes and so there was no traffic everything moved very quickly very smoothly like maybe the quickest trip i've ever had to get down there i was in the even speeding because I'm no speeder. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm a law abiding bumper car, but we got there and we, we, we checked in and we ran down. We got to the, uh, the auditorium and it was full of people. They had just given their first award. And, uh, we were given a little, uh, what do they call the pamphlets, whatever, you know, like the, the thing you look through and it tells you what's going to happen and when it's going to happen. And what we had done, we had missed the, uh, the opening speech, you know, like the pledge of allegiance. Like we had missed all the, the, the things that happened before the awards. So it worked out perfectly. Like we, we came in ready for awards. The first one was, uh, art and you know, he, he didn't win. He didn't win that one. All right. You know, then you're going through and you don't, there's next up. I think we were in, uh, reading and, uh, writing, uh, and okay. All right. Nope. You didn't win that one. Okay. And I want to film this. I want to get this on camera. All right. Uh, uh, math. No, it's not math. Science. No, probably not going to be science. History. Nope. Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. It's not going to be history. Oh, okay. You know, we're working our way down the list here. Uh, the next one was, uh, PE, physical education. And he's always, he's the T the teachers are always like, Oh, he's so good in PE. He's so, you know, he loves, loves it. And he always tells me that's my favorite class. And I'm like, all right, well, that's, it's really just play time, but you know, that's fine. Good for you. You have something that's your favorite. Uh, and so I started filming, I was ready PE and there, they go through these little speeches, you know, they say, Oh, physical education is very important. You know, they, you know, they describe everything and, uh, and I'm, I'm filming the whole thing and they go, you know, this next student in middle school, well, she, and I was just like, all right, well, let's stop filming that one. That's not the one. And then you're starting to get down to where, uh, you know, we did, uh, so PE and then we did music. And then the only things that were left were, uh, homework attendance. And then there were four things at the bottom, which were like, uh, character, whatever, like, you know, stuff like that community service. And so I was like, all right, you know, I've got like six more, you know, they told us to come down here and they did homework and I didn't even film it. Cause I was like, no, that's not going to be it, which is fine. And then they did, uh, attendance. I looked at my wife and I was, I kind of shrugged and she was like, I don't know. And you know, I started filming and they go through this four minute speech about how important attendance is. And it's the backbone of your education. And then, then they, they called my kid's name. He won an award for attendance. We came down, we rushed down for that. It was great.

June 23, 2023