Tag: Pain

  • Broken Nose

    Broken Nose

    There I was, on the couch, enjoying a three and a quarter minute respite. When all of a sudden, from out of the blue, I felt a tumultuous little beast approach. In a blur, in a flash, he had scampered up the couch – and I made the mistake of not paying attention.

    The boy was angered (but, really, not so much). I had turned the other cheek. I had pushed him aside for sleep. I had not given him his proper due.

    So, while standing at my knees, he turned and looked away, and then, he stood and started to bounce. He thought about the rest of his day and then he probably started to smile – before he, with a healthy dose of abandon, blindly threw himself backwards.

    The back of his head is made of rock – but – the bridge of my nose is totally not. A lightning of pain and stars exploded in my head.

    I fell off of the couch, rolling around and yowling like a seriously injured cat – and Ma Bumpercar ran into the room to see what all of the commotion was about. I was still on the floor, and my hands were over my face and I said “I tink he brode my node … I tink he brode my node …” I heard her rush over and say “No, Baby Bumpercar … No.” Evidently – he saw his opportunity to finish me off and had perched himself on the edge of the couch – where he was getting ready to pounce on me.

    After some internet research and some staring in the mirror, I took some Tylenol and put an ice pack into the boo-boo bear and sat on the couch. Baby Bumpercar got excited that I was using his boo-boo bear and started dancing around and running up to me to snatch him away while fanatically yelling the word “Bear” over and over.

    I went to a show that night with a puffy face looking moderately like a raccoon and terribly joked that I could either be called Natty Bump-on-nose – or – Puff Natty – both of which actually hurt to type out – because they are that unfunny. I was told over and over that I needed to go to a doctor – that it was so-so broken (or at least fractured) … I was undecided as to what to do. I figured that I would sleep on it.

    I was, honestly, kind of excited about the prospect of having a broken nose … I’ve never broken anything other than an errant toe or two … and think of the story! My 22 month old breaks my nose … how tremendous is that?! Imagine what he’s going to be doing to me when he is 4 … Imagine how great that pain is going to be!

    The next morning, I was super-puffy and the nose still hurt – so I went to the doctor and spent the entire day hanging out, getting looked at and eventually getting x-rayed. My doctor said that he “would be shocked if it wash’t broken” and that he “had a guy” who could fix me right up … He “had a guy”?! How exciting was that? I love it when people have specific people who can do specific situational jobs/things … it reminded me of when I had a truck and lived in Brooklyn … People would be talking about having to move some stuff and, I’m guessing, they would be hit with the phrase “You’re moving? Well – I have got a guy that can definitely help you with that …” – – and then I wondered – – what kind of situation is there that comes up where am I still “the guy” – – and then I got sad.

    When I missed the nurse calling back with the results – they couldn’t have been more underwhelming … “results came back normal … just keep on icing the area and taking pain medication as needed.” What?! Seriously, what did that even mean? I had to call her back to find out – which seemed to make her angry … as she said, almost verbatim, “results came back normal … just keep on icing the area and taking pain medication as needed.”

    And that, my friends, is how you end a story with a whimper … The nose wasn’t broken … Just bruised really bad. So – it looks like this round went to my nose, Baby Bumpercar … Better luck next time!

    On a quick side-note … I hope that there isn’t a ‘next time’ … because if not breaking my nose hurt as bad ad it did – then – I can’t even moderately comprehend how much the real deal would hurt. Maybe I’ll just invest in a lot of bubble wrap – or – a face mask – or – a marshmallow nose guard – or – something?!

    Maybe.

  • Bumperpodcast 44 – Stub

    Bumperpodcast 44 – Stub

    I split my toe – I stubbed my toe – I mangled and bashed and beat up my toe. Socks just stood by and watched . . . I had to hobble around a bit – and the worst part was the cleaning of the wound.

    Booooooo cleaning – in all of it’s sundry forms.

    About This Episode

    In this episode of Bumperpodcast, host Natty Bumpercar shares a painful and humorous tale of stubbing his toe during an evening walk with his dog Socks. What starts as a simple mishap quickly escalates when Natty discovers blood everywhere after his big toe takes on the sidewalk in a brutal TKO. He vividly describes the shock of pain, the confusion of his dog, and the awkward four-block journey home hobbling on his left heel. The episode captures Natty's signature storytelling style as he recounts the worst part of all: cleaning the wound at home only to discover he's out of band-aids.

    Memorable Quotes

    “It was just like you know like when you have so much pain where your body doesn't even know how to react and it's just like pain and you can see things that aren't there necessarily.”

    — Natty Bumpercar

    “If we were scoring the fight between the sidewalk and my toe the sidewalk definitely won tko technical knockout cannot continue fight because of too much blood in the ring.”

    — Natty Bumpercar

    “I have to walk uh what is it right foot left heel right foot left heel right foot left heel came home.”

    — Natty Bumpercar

    Topics: #injuries #dogs #walking #pain #humor #everydaylife #storytelling

    Featuring: Natty Bumpercar

    Full Transcript

    Natty Bumpercar: hey bumper podcast what's going on it's me natty bumper car or as i like to be called these days natty bumper wait natty bumper stubbed toe natty stubbed toe i stubbed my toe last night yesterday it was a rough day it was a bad day yep i was walking socks it was pitch dark outside and out of nowhere i was wearing flip flops too i should let you know that out of nowhere boom like the whole world went bright like a flash of light mostly in my head but it was just like you know like when you have so much pain where your body doesn't even know how to react and it's just like pain and it's you like you can hear things you can see things you can see things you can see things you can see things that aren't there necessarily and i had to stop i had to pause took a deep breath all right everything's all right stubbed my toe kind of hurts gonna keep walking oh so he kept walking socks you know he didn't know what was going on you know he always gets confused when stuff happens like he just looks back at me like i thought we were on a walk not on a hang out here so i uh so i keep walking maybe i mean i maybe got another 20 feet or so and i was just like well this is this does it hurts it doesn't feel good this doesn't feel right so i took my uh phone my flashlight phone thing and i held it down by my uh by my foot and uh ooh ooh yuck ooh yuck gross there was blood everywhere there i mean there was blood blood everywhere my big toe had been demolished it had i mean if if we were scoring the fight between the sidewalk and my toe the sidewalk definitely won tko technical knockout cannot continue fight because of too much blood in in in the ring so then i'm four blocks from home i have to walk uh what is it right foot left heel right foot left heel right foot left heel came home and then that's the worst part of it all because you gotta clean it out you gotta put some water on it which hurts you gotta put some peroxide on it which hurts you gotta put some neosporin on it which doesn't really hurt kind of makes it feel better and then what you're out of band-aids well you're out of luck

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  • Popeye's Loaded Chicken Wrap

    Okay . . . Today – I went against one of my (poorly) self-enforced rules and ate lunch at Popeye’s.

    Now – don’t get me wrong – they do serve up some tasty treats at the house of Cajun chicken and biscuits – but is the outcome – the pain – worth it??

    I was intrigued by the loaded chicken wrap. It was loaded with rice & beans and a chicken strip – a potential yum treat – but in reality, considerably less than yum – significantly less than a treat.

    When I managed to dig though the layers of grease, the saddest little (thankfully) lifeless lump of wrapped pudge was sitting there. Not really sure what to do – I stared to sprinkle a healthy amount of “Cajun Sparkle” (photo not available) around the lump – to bring it back from the brink a bit.

    I tried it – and found that nothing about how it looked was a lie. It was extremely ugh. It was kind of a food disaster. I hope that you don’t ever eat one.

    Ever.

    All I can say is that the levees of my food rules have been shorn up – and hopefully the rivers of miserable food in the wold around me will be kept at bay.

    Otherwise . . . Oh the horror – Oh the pain.