Tag: comedy

  • Bumperpodcast #299 – Look who’s back!

    Pig comes back after a long disappearance – and spills the beans on where he has been. It’s convoluted!

    The Bumperpodcast is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp around Headquarters, in Coffee-Can Alley, with Natty Bumpercar and his entire gaggle of pals! 

    Do you like chaos? Let us know by sending an email to bumperpodcast@nattybumpercar.com.

    About This Episode

    Aloysious J. Pig returns to Bumperpodcast after a mysterious absence, spinning an increasingly absurd tale about his whereabouts. While Natty Bumpercar tries to share updates about his chaotic few weeks involving company buyouts, tree cutting, and stump grinding, Pig insists on telling a wild story involving corn fields, desert jail, a camel cellmate, and a frozen yogurt escape plot. Rufus T. Rufus appears to corroborate Pig's tale with his own unlikely story about yachts and Learjets. The episode devolves into comedic chaos as Natty struggles to determine what's real and what's fiction, with Pig eventually admitting the whole adventure might have just been about eating frozen yogurt all summer.

    Memorable Quotes

    “If I walk by your office in the hallway, does it say, Chief of Fun Ruiner? Because, you know, if that's your gig, then you should get a raise, my friend.”

    — Aloysious J. Pig

    “I can't believe you preempted my big adventure. I can't believe you preempted my big conversation to talk about stumps.”

    — Natty Bumpercar

    “I've been gone, engorging myself, because I want to get my summer body on fleek, on point, if you will.”

    — Aloysious J. Pig

    Topics: #pigreturns #storytelling #frozenyogurt #prisonescape #summeradventures #talltales #friendship

    Featuring: Natty Bumpercar, Aloysious J. Pig

    Full Transcript

    Natty Bumpercar: so here's the thing bumper podcast you've been wondering where i've been and i've been wondering

    Aloysious J. Pig: where you've been well more importantly we've all been waiting for where hey here i am you're just gonna cut me yeah okay i'm gonna talk now okay yes i'm gonna talk where pig has been yeah well he's back i'm back and everyone has been like hey where's pig we've been getting all this mail and all these you know uh phone calls and uh sky writing and and letters and and you know and

    Natty Bumpercar: and and mail you said mail like two or three times i yeah i know okay well so i just wanted to make sure because it's you can't really if you're trying to build something up you can't be like ah we got mail and we got postcards and we got envelopes should i leave i don't want to

    Aloysious J. Pig: do this okay yeah you proceed okay thank you so as i was saying i was on everyone was asking and i'm I was on an adventure, an adventure of epic proportions, if you know what I'm doing here.

    Natty Bumpercar: Did you just do a pun? Yeah, it was a pun. I do a lot of puns, okay? Because it was kind of terrible.

    Aloysious J. Pig: Just leave me alone, all right?

    Natty Bumpercar: Is that going to be your new thing?

    Aloysious J. Pig: That's what I always do.

    Natty Bumpercar: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

    Aloysious J. Pig: This is why people leave the show, Bumper Guy. I didn't want to get into it on the podcast because it was supposed to be a big, warm welcome back. But all of a sudden, you've got to sit there and you've got to pick and pick and pick at the pig. And me, I'm just here to have fun, and I'm just here to tell a story. And you, you know, I guess you're here to what? Ruin the fun? Is that your job? Is that your title? If I walk by your office in the hallway, does it say, Chief of Fun Ruiner? Because, you know, if that's your gig, then you should get a raise, my friend. Your bonus should be a bountiful, you know?

    Natty Bumpercar: I do like the, I am sorry, Pig. I, you know, it's been a couple of weeks. It's been a crazy couple of weeks around here.

    Aloysious J. Pig: Are you going to talk about yourself now? Is that what we're doing, huh?

    Natty Bumpercar: Yes, I'm actually going to, if you don't, I'll just real quick. Okay. It's been crazy. It's been bananas crazy. Let me tell you what happened to me, and then you can hear from Pig. The company that I worked for was bought by an international company. No one knew if we were going to have jobs. This was two weeks ago. My wife was away at a conference. Big conference in Las Vegas. Ho, ho, ho. There was a carnival that was a block and a half from my house that my kids lose their minds to go to. The carnival's here.

    Aloysious J. Pig: The carnival's here. We have to go to the carnival. Carnival, carnival.

    Natty Bumpercar: We have to spend thousands of dollars. Not really. We don't have to spend that much money. What else do we have? There was, we watched the Captain Underpants movie. I was in a commercial that was, I was on set for 12 hours. The company. We ended up transitioning, so that did happen into the new company, and that's been a nightmare. We have the biggest client ever at my company that we're trying to land, and everyone's been losing their minds about that. We've also had a few shows. Yeah. We also, we might get a bathroom, a new bathroom here at headquarters. Really, we're talking about bathroom.

    Aloysious J. Pig: It's just been crazy. Sounds crazy.

    Natty Bumpercar: I don't need to tell you. Okay. But I'm telling you. Okay. Something else happened, too. What? Oh, I cut down two trees in my backyard. Oh, boy. I did, with a chainsaw. I cut down four bushes. Lots of things are happening. Why are you cutting things down? I'm getting a stump grinder this weekend to grind stumps, because we're having a big family reunion of my wife's family in a couple of weeks, and I need the house to be spick and span and ready. It's not going to be. It's going to be in the middle of a thousand different projects, and people are going to deal with it. This is unlistenable. Okay, back to you. I'm sorry. Yeah, thank you.

    Aloysious J. Pig: No one is. I can't believe you preempted my big adventure. I can't believe you preempted my big conversation to talk about stumps. You're like, oh, I'm going to grind some stumps. This is my podcast now. Is that what's happened since I left?

    Natty Bumpercar: Well, it's not how I talk, A and B. Honestly, we haven't. I don't even know if we've recorded in the last two weeks, so I don't want to say you're the lynch pig of the whole thing, but really, we haven't been putting out a lot of content. No premium content, that's for sure. Everyone can agree to that. Everyone can attest to that. Anyway, so, done talking. I want to hear what happened to you, where you have been, where you went. So, without further ado, go.

    Aloysious J. Pig: So, there's some weird tension here, but we'll deal with that another time, I suppose. So, there I was, ladies and gentlemen. I woke up. I found myself in a field, a field of corn. It was like a dream come true for a pig like me. I looked left. I looked right. I look in front of me. I look behind. To me, there was corn everywhere. Here's the thing, though. When corn grows, it ain't too convenient for a little pig like me. So, I'm looking. I can't reach none of it. All I can do is smell the corn. Oh, hello, beautiful corn. Won't you lean down and let me know? Okay. And so, then I had to go to the farm to see if they had some sort of a ladder that I could drag back to the corn field. So that I could climb up tippity-top to the top of the stairs and eat the corn. Well, I went to the farm, and they arrested me for trespassing. Can you believe this? I'm a pig on a farm. Can't you just give me a slap on the hoof or something and say, hey, pig, move on. You ain't supposed to be here. No. They took me into the police car, into town. There was a judge. There was a gavel. Off I went. They sent me to… To jail in the desert. I was in the desert. A pig in the desert. I can't tell you how much I was sweating. I was, like, profuse. They were… Actually, they got me my own row of paper towels, because they were always, like, they were embarrassed at how much I was sweating. They were like, bro, just dab a little bit of that sweat off, okay? You're a little bit extreme right now. I'm an extreme pig. People tell me that all the time. And they look at me, and they're like, bro, you seem pretty extreme. And I'm like, hey, you know what? For a pig, I guess I am. Anyway, in this jail, there was a camel, right? I don't know what he was in for. He wouldn't talk to me. But we, you know, we made eye contact, and we could tell we was on the same page. So what we did one night was there was a jackrabbit. No, excuse me. A jackalope. Who had… Who had squirreled away some spoons. And me and the camel and the jackalope and I guess the squirrel, I don't remember, started digging and digging and digging and…

    Natty Bumpercar: Are you telling me that you broke out of jail? You were in a prison for trespassing? You went to the desert? That doesn't make any sense at all. This story doesn't make any sense.

    Aloysious J. Pig: No, you don't make any sense, all right? I don't believe you. Well, I've got proof. Hold on one second. Let me bring my proof in. Get in here, proof. Well, if it isn't Mr. Rufus T. Rufus, I am here to defend the honor of Mr. Piggy Lou himself. Rude. It's Aloysius. Get with it. Exactly. So there I was on the Riviera on my yacht, and all of a sudden the phone starts to ringing, and it is… Emergency, emergency, emergency. And I said, hold on a second. I need to put my drink down. I don't want it to spill because that itself would be an emergency.

    Natty Bumpercar: You don't have a yacht. You don't… What are you talking about?

    Aloysious J. Pig: What does he keep interrupting me for?

    Natty Bumpercar: Because you don't… You're… I don't believe you either. I've met you before. You've never been to the Riviera. This is no joke. You don't have a yacht. You didn't even… You said yucked.

    Aloysious J. Pig: No, he said yacht. Bro, is this what you're going to do now? You're going to make fun of how people talk? You're going to make fun of accents just because you ain't got no accent? Because you was born in rural Georgia, and all of a sudden you don't sound like nothing? And so is that what this is? No. No. Just stop attacking. I'm sorry. Let the story happen.

    Natty Bumpercar: Go ahead, Rufus. Tell the story.

    Aloysious J. Pig: Well, of course I will. So I got the phone call, and it was from Aloysius here, who was calling me. He was calling me from dessert, and he was with a camel, and he was with a rabbit with horns. No, he said jackalope. He was a jackalope. Jackalope, exactly. Let's get it right. And there was a… I believe there might have been a squirrel. I'm not sure. And there was something about spoons, and so I quickly pulled my yacht up into the dock, and I parked it as you do. And granny… And got on my lead jet, and we flew over my crew and my team of experts, and we rescued this crew of malcontents.

    Natty Bumpercar: So my head is… This is… I'm glad I took a break. I missed doing the podcast, but I did not miss this. So you're telling me that you were on a yacht in the Riviera, you had a drink, the phone rang, and on the phone was Pig. Camel, something, a jackalope, and a squirrel that you're not even sure of. No one seems to be sure about this squirrel. The squirrel thing is kind of freaking me out. And then you got on a Learjet, is what you're saying, with your team, never met your team, and you flew over, and you rescued them. Is that something that a lawyer… Is that a normal thing that a lawyer would do? Because that doesn't sound very lawyerly to me. Yeah.

    Aloysious J. Pig: That's how… That's essentially what you just… Said was essentially what kind of happened. I think that… Rufus might have let something slip in there when he said dessert in the spoons. Here's the thing, Bumper Cop. I was in jail at a soft yogurt place, and me and this camel dude, we dug out of the yogurt with some spoons. There was no squirrel, if you didn't pick up on that. There was a jackalope. But she was working behind a counter. This whole time, I've been gone, engorging myself, because I want to get my summer body on fleek, on point, if you will. Wait. And that's where I've been. So none of it's true? And then Rufus had some ice cream, though. I don't… None of it's true? I don't… What? None of it, or maybe all of it.

    Unknown: I don't know.

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  • Bumperpodcast #298 – Laser Lightning Muffins

    Bumperpodcast #298 – Laser Lightning Muffins

    Lasers – Lightning – Explosions – Muffins! It’s a hyperactive and hyper-short edition of the Bumperpodcast!

    This is a ‘Laser Lightning’ version of the Bumperpodcast – which is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp around Headquarters, in Coffee-Can Alley, with Natty Bumpercar and his entire gaggle of pals! 

    Do you think about muffins? Let us know by sending an email to bumperpodcast@nattybumpercar.com.

    About This Episode

    In this laser lightning edition of the Bumperpodcast, host Natty Bumpercar celebrates the incredible muffin bounty left over from Mother's Day at his house. Unable to contain his excitement, Natty breaks into an improvisational song about muffins, passionately singing about eating muffins for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. He then provides a detailed inventory of the various muffin types enjoyed, including blueberry, orange cranberry, cinnamon, corn, chocolate, and the mysteriously named 'morning glory' muffins. Natty also discusses his desire for a 'squish of espresso' and mentions the scones and cheesy grits that rounded out the feast. This episode is a hilarious celebration of baked goods and post-holiday leftovers.

    Memorable Quotes

    “The only way I feel like I can explain my excitement about these muffins to you is through song.”

    — Natty Bumpercar

    “Why don't we have squishes espresso? I want a squish espresso man. I don't even drink coffee but I think I would definitely drink a squish espresso.”

    — Natty Bumpercar

    “This podcast is about making you hungry. This podcast is about feeding your soul.”

    — Natty Bumpercar

    Topics: #muffins #mothersday #food #baking #songs #leftovers #breakfast

    Featuring: Natty Bumpercar

    Full Transcript

    Natty Bumpercar: oh it is natty bumper car and this is your laser lightning edition of the bumper podcast where i wish put the light do the sounds laser laser lightning lightning and today we're going to talk about muffins why because we had mother's day at my house and we had so many people and we had so many muffins and you know what they left so many muffins and the only way i feel like i can explain my excitement about these muffins to you is through song so hit it oh all right okay we go muffin muffin muffin we say muffin muffin come on muffin muffin muffin muffin muffin muffin muffin what kind of muffin my muffin i'm eating all the muffins i'm eating all the muffins all day all night eat muffins for dinner for breakfast for lunch for time all times i don't eat muffins i go muffin i go muffin i go muffins now go like this come on come on we go muffin come on come on i say muffin one time muffin two times muffin three times all the time with the muffin go muffin go muffin i say muffin go muffin you're gonna walk around all day all night and all you're gonna think about is muffins muffins now stop boom ladies and gentlemen here's what kind of muffins i had i had blueberry muffins i had orange cranberry muffins i had cinnamon muffins i had corn muffins i had something called a what was it it was a weird name it was like morning highlight muffin that's not what it was called though i'll have one of your morning highlight muffins please and if i could just have a squish of of a squish of espresso please why don't we have squishes espresso i want a squish espresso man i don't even drink coffee but i think i would definitely drink a squish espresso i had other kind of muffins morning morning that's what it was called weird that's in my head uh oh man i want some morning glory muffins right you guys got some i just want a whole case of them a baker's dozen if you will of your morning glory muffins gonna take them to the office and have everybody eat up on them um there were other muffins too there was chocolate muffins obzy ob totes obziously um i think that was it is that really it i feel like there's gonna be a lot more muffins oh well you know what there were a lot of muffins and you know what else there were you know that we had those scones those scones we had a lot of scones we had one scone two scone maybe a few other scones we had so much food i made grits cheesy grits what i'm just making you hungry this podcast is about making you hungry this podcast is about feeding your soul it's bumper what's happening who's doing that make that stop turn that thing off come on if we can't act right we can't act at all this episode of the podcast laser lightning episode expedition has been brought to you by the one the only the muffin council of the world

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  • Bumperpodcast #297 – Kid Chaos

    Bumperpodcast #297 – Kid Chaos

    Oh no. After a successful appearance, the kids are back – and so is the chaos. Pig stops by to help as well!

    The Bumperpodcast is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp around Headquarters, in Coffee-Can Alley, with Natty Bumpercar and his entire gaggle of pals! 

    Do you like chaos? Let us know by sending an email to bumperpodcast@nattybumpercar.com.

    About This Episode

    In this chaotic episode of Bumperpodcast, host Natty Bumpercar is joined by his two young sons for an unpredictable conversation that ranges from cutting down a backyard tree to imaginary dog treat pizza. The boys discuss their father's tree-cutting adventures, their recent trip to the city for a comedy show, and their excitement about joining a pool. The episode features plenty of sibling banter, microphone mishaps, and Oliver's increasingly wild stories about driving dogs and bone guns. Natty struggles to keep the conversation on track while his sons create elaborate fictional scenarios involving their dog Socks eating special pizza and breaking health codes.

    Memorable Quotes

    “I didn't go to the city. You went to the city? We went to a show. What show? You and me did jokes.”

    — Unknown (child)

    “So let me get this straight. You can't sit next to Emerson eating strawberries but you can sit next to Socks eating dog poop pizza?”

    — Natty Bumpercar

    “Welcome to Distraction City. Population, those two.”

    — Natty Bumpercar

    Topics: #family #kids #parenting #comedyshow #summeractivities #pool #pets #chaos

    Featuring: Natty Bumpercar

    Full Transcript

    Natty Bumpercar: hey bumper podcast it's me natty bumper car and i have some exciting news the tree is gone i'm not i'm not even gonna bury the lead i'm just gonna come right out and i'm gonna tell you the tree is gone i hear feet above me which means that there are people running to be on the show which is very exciting because oh there's two people coming i can't do a podcast without you guys that's right oh boy ladies and gentlemen we have two special guests here today three i was not oh we have three because the dog came in too that is this morning very exciting i was asleep and uh the dog got away he did and i had to go save him come back the dog's now okay all right so all right the dog's gone the dog is no longer

    Unknown: on the show so the dog is scared what's the dog scared of i don't know maybe this

    Natty Bumpercar: hey why don't you put your butt right here there you go my dog what are you talking about hey is that what you're gonna talk is that what you're gonna say what he's

    Unknown: gone

    Natty Bumpercar: what are you gonna talk about were you guys so surprised yesterday when you came home went out and why were you surprised because i was here or were you just surprised that i brought

    Unknown: you home come on bo i didn't i wasn't surprised nothing happened no nothing nothing happened

    Natty Bumpercar: no or did something big happen um the backyard is not different at all oh the backyard's different daddy daddy cut the tree down no he did done done done why is that ollie why did i cut the

    Unknown: tree down why did i cut the tree down cosズ he's the cutting man, wat is the cutting man and all of her cuddys

    Natty Bumpercar: daddy is the cutting 162 00rj what does a cutting man do

    Unknown: he cuts down the tree

    Natty Bumpercar: chops down trees like a boss

    Unknown: whut, that doesn't make no sense

    Natty Bumpercar: does that mean anything to you

    Unknown: all of the cutting man no he's not no i'm

    Natty Bumpercar: he's the chopping boy

    Unknown: chopping boy and i have a little tweezer that baby snaps those branches up its my tree

    Natty Bumpercar: no you don't have a tree

    Unknown: a tree. They don't make no sense. Daddy, do you remember? When I showed you that tree, you said, be careful. No. He's going to break you. Watch out.

    Natty Bumpercar: We're going to switch over to here, but you can still keep talking to Emerson.

    Unknown: So, anyway. So, Emerson,

    Natty Bumpercar: if Oliver was the shopping boy, what were you?

    Unknown: I know his name. I don't want to tell.

    Natty Bumpercar: You don't want to tell everybody? The dreamy. Oh, good job. That's why he broke the microphone. I told you he was going to do it. That's why we don't touch things all the time, guys.

    Unknown: Now he broke it forever? Yes, forever.

    Natty Bumpercar: There's no need to yell, because the microphone's right there. And you've got headphones on, so you can hear yourself talk.

    Unknown: Yeah, that's creepy.

    Natty Bumpercar: Remember how he just broke it by touching it?

    Unknown: Oh, yeah. I remember how he broke it. So, you're still touching it. It's amazing.

    Natty Bumpercar: Why does he keep touching it? Whose children are these? So, you were surprised by the tree being gone? Yeah, a little bit. I didn't show you guys the photos and videos of it, did I? Yeah, you did. Oh, I showed you at school. That's right. Here, here's what you guys can do. You didn't show Oliver. Did you show the little one? I'm going this ear. Because he didn't see the tree. There, does that work? I guess you're not talking about the tree anymore. I don't know what's happening. This is a weird episode. See, isn't it weird how you can hear yourself talk anyway? Well, it's headphones. It's not that weird. So, what else did Daddy do yesterday?

    Unknown: Oh, yeah. Imagine he took a nap or something. He's making me so hurting. He's hurting. Fix the boy. You definitely didn't touch it. Take a shower. I can tell that. Oliver, I'm not going to wear the microphone. All right, take them off. I wish I could tell my story. Why are you touching the microphone? I just get excited. I don't know. I love animals really much like that. I like animals, too.

    Natty Bumpercar: Do you have animals on your shirt? Why are you trying to climb?

    Unknown: Because I want to get to the microphone.

    Natty Bumpercar: Do you want to stand, too? Wow, you guys are

    Unknown: out of control. They're out of control. Daddy just hit the microphone.

    Natty Bumpercar: Welcome to Distraction City. Population, those two.

    Unknown: Daddy's distracted. Stop spitting.

    Natty Bumpercar: Did you spit?

    Unknown: No, Oliver keeps on making the breath on me. What's he doing? Stop making the breath on me. It smells bad, I guess.

    Natty Bumpercar: Does it pig breath? It's just talking to the microphone.

    Unknown: Don't yell.

    Natty Bumpercar: What did Daddy do yesterday besides a tree? Something you're both excited about.

    Unknown: Is it food?

    Natty Bumpercar: Man, you guys are good at answering questions today. I'm trying. You know what? After your last appearance, everyone's excited about you being on the show. I mean, I was.

    Unknown: Stop putting your breath on me. I see the backyard. That's the front yard. Yeah, it's the front. So anyway, I want to tell us…

    Natty Bumpercar: Oliver keeps on putting his breath on you. Hey, Ollie, can you stop putting your breath on people? It's so much cleaning. It smells like… Come on. He just woke up. He just ate some food. Can a dog smell a little bit?

    Unknown: It smells like rotten teeth breath.

    Natty Bumpercar: Ollie, do you have rotten teeth breath? Oh, no. Done, done.

    Unknown: He's going to have to go to the doctor.

    Natty Bumpercar: Now I have rotting teeth breath. Wait, is it catching?

    Unknown: Somebody smell my breath. Smell my breath.

    Natty Bumpercar: We're going to have to go to the dentist and get all of our teeth pulled. Oh, yeah, the dentist. I said doctor. No, I don't want to do that. Golly gee. Golly, golly gee. Good voice you're doing. You're so heavy. I can't hold you like this. Daddy? Yes, sir. Oliver.

    Unknown: What are you… Wait, on Sunday… Oliver. On Sunday, are we having a babysitter? Babysitter?

    Natty Bumpercar: No, on Sunday, we're having the whole family over. Who? No, come on.

    Unknown: Not all of them. It's Mother's Day.

    Natty Bumpercar: Mother is a pig. That's on Sunday, again. What's Saturday? I've said that a few times. Do we have a babysitter on Sunday? No, we do not. I just said… On Saturday? We don't have a babysitter this weekend. There's no babysitter this weekend.

    Unknown: But you said… Can I babysit?

    Natty Bumpercar: Oliver, what day do we have a babysitter?

    Unknown: I don't know. It's like a mystery now. Oh, June 10th.

    Natty Bumpercar: Yeah. I know. June 10th. June 10th is the worst. I can't believe it.

    Unknown: I can't believe it.

    Natty Bumpercar: No. That would be the worst thing ever.

    Unknown: The worst?

    Natty Bumpercar: Why would you say that? Oh, my goodness.

    Unknown: Then Mommy would never see you again. That'd be so sad.

    Natty Bumpercar: And Mommy would cry.

    Unknown: Could I have his bed? I'm joking. That was a hilarious joke.

    Natty Bumpercar: Never mind. Guys, where did we go last weekend? We went to the city. And what did we do?

    Unknown: I didn't go to the city. You went to the city? We went to a show. What show? You and me did jokes.

    Natty Bumpercar: I did jokes and you guys came? You went to a show? Did you have fun?

    Unknown: Comedy show? Maybe.

    Natty Bumpercar: Maybe.

    Unknown: Socks came too. No, he did not. Yes, we did.

    Natty Bumpercar: Was Socks in the back seat of the car?

    Unknown: Yeah, probably. No, he wasn't. No. Oliver ate… Socks ate pizza. Oliver ate pizza. Why did he eat pizza? Because he was sneaking in.

    Natty Bumpercar: You ate pizza because you were sneaking in?

    Unknown: This is ridiculous. Socks ate pizza with me.

    Natty Bumpercar: You guys went to a pizza parlor together?

    Unknown: No.

    Natty Bumpercar: What kind of pizza did you get?

    Unknown: I don't know.

    Natty Bumpercar: Cheese pizza. What kind of pizza did Socks get? Dog treat pizza.

    Unknown: There's no such thing as dog treat pizza. Dog treat pizza. That sounds yummy.

    Natty Bumpercar: It's only for dogs. It's my favorite kind though.

    Unknown: That smells yucky. Dog treat pizza? Depends on what they're on. It's only for dogs. So if I went into a pizza place and I ordered a dog treat pizza, they wouldn't give it to me? No way. Only for Socks.

    Natty Bumpercar: Oh, man. What if… So I'd have to have Socks next to me. Or maybe I'd have to pay Socks to buy the dog treat pizza so that I could go outside

    Unknown: and eat it. How are you going to pay the dog?

    Natty Bumpercar: He doesn't even have a wife. He doesn't even have a wife. He doesn't even have a wife. It tastes like poop dogs. Ew. Dogs don't eat that. That sounds disgusting.

    Unknown: There's no way. It tastes for people. It's only for dog treats for only dogs.

    Natty Bumpercar: There is no way that the health code is not being violated by him selling dog poop.

    Unknown: There's no way that they're going to let him do that.

    Natty Bumpercar: They don't even have a dog. They don't even have a dog. They don't even have a dog. They don't even have a dog. They don't even have a dog.

    Unknown: They didn't even let me in restaurants.

    Natty Bumpercar: Did you sit next to him while he ate that pizza?

    Unknown: And I ate mine cheese.

    Natty Bumpercar: So let me get this straight. You can't sit next to Emerson eating strawberries but you can sit next to Socks eating dog poop pizza?

    Unknown: It doesn't make sense. No. It's the dog treat pizza. Then I'll try it. I drove Socks back here.

    Natty Bumpercar: Wait, you drove the dog back here? That doesn't make any sense at all. You can't even reach the pedals.

    Unknown: That kid's going straight to jail.

    Natty Bumpercar: You're so tiny. you said door to open the door how did you get out of the car like a delinquent uh-oh i had a gun

    Unknown: he had a what what in the world what are you teaching these kids

    Natty Bumpercar: i don't even believe what i'm hearing right now this is not my ollie this is not who you are you do not move out drive dogs around with guns that you shoot to the pizza place that's too much no

    Unknown: i got out how i got out i got a gun and he got out come on did you break our car do you think mommy's gonna like you talking no she ain't like no not even a little bit if you if you push you down there what are you gonna push people down what what now what are you talking

    Natty Bumpercar: about that's the second time even on the show and you've done uh an infringement of copyright that we cannot you can't afford

    Unknown: it's batman i see batman little one's leaving i see batman everybody what is he talking about batman the bobblehead oh he's over there and i have and i have and i have a star wars guy what is it's like a real divergence that's a good transition i'm glad that we went from the and he has a bone gun a what he has a bone what is a bone gun i don't even know what words i mean

    Natty Bumpercar: it's like a bone gun does it shoot bones so did you emerson did you go to the city as well yeah and what was your favorite part

    Unknown: we go with everything i don't know well i mean did you like the show the whole experience i like the show and i liked everything were you embarrassed no i would be embarrassed scared no did you like

    Natty Bumpercar: that they put daddy up first yeah i wish i would have put me up first that's okay um and then we came home right and we played a little bit we've been playing we've been scootering right

    Unknown: we were scootering yes you guys been going outside all the time in the front driveway

    Natty Bumpercar: well that is true thanks thanks thanks for backing me up on that one that one's true

    Unknown: but uh the pool i wish i could have told a story oh yeah the pool but it makes so much more sense we joined the pool yeah yeah yeah which means

    Natty Bumpercar: but you're not gonna bring me what is he saying ollie that is not polite what is this kid on we're gonna go as soon as we can oliver not polite sir uh whenever whenever the pool joins then we i mean whenever uh words words are you gonna bring socks to the pool

    Unknown: you know there's no dogs allowed i i trust you but there's a german shepherd one no it wasn't at the pool no no that was at the mystery icon

    Natty Bumpercar: whose friend who's whose dog was that who's friend of yours um me it was michelle's dog and his name is name is michelle's dog and his name is michelle's dog and his name is Dog and his name is name zoo name and name

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  • Bumperpodcast #294 – Laser Lightning Pancakes

    Bumperpodcast #294 – Laser Lightning Pancakes

    Lasers – Lightning – Explosions – Pancakes! It’s a hyperactive and hyper-short edition of the Bumperpodcast!

    Do you eat breakfast? Let us know by sending an email to bumperpodcast@nattybumpercar.com.

    This is a ‘Laser Lightning’ version of the Bumperpodcast – which is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp around Headquarters, in Coffee-Can Alley, with Natty Bumpercar and his entire gaggle of pals! 

    About This Episode

    In this lightning-fast episode of the Bumperpodcast, host Natty Bumpercar attempts to deliver what he calls a "laser episode" – promising explosive speed and brevity. After getting tangled up in his own time measurements involving eye blinks, hiccups, and heartbeats, Natty settles on a three-minute runtime, harking back to the podcast's earliest days. The episode takes a chaotic turn as he shares a morning breakfast struggle with his kids, who torment him by jokingly suggesting they eat the dog, then bacon (much to the distress of his friend Pig), before finally settling on pancakes. It's classic Bumperpodcast mayhem packed into a bite-sized format.

    Memorable Quotes

    “this episode is going to be so quick so fast that it's going to be over before you even blink your eyes”

    — Natty Bumpercar

    “they decided they wanted to eat the dog for breakfast because they thought it was hilarious to torture me”

    — Natty Bumpercar

    “i said no and then one said bacon and i was like why would you do that pig's my best friend”

    — Natty Bumpercar

    Topics: #time #breakfast #parenting #sleep #shortepisodes #chaos #kids #food

    Featuring: Natty Bumpercar

    Full Transcript

    Natty Bumpercar: this is what i like to call a laser episode of the bumper podcast it's lasers it's lightning it's lasers it's lightning it's lasers lasers lightning lightning lasers lasers explosions like that like what i'm saying is this episode is going to be so quick so fast that it's going to be over before you even blink your eyes i don't know how often you blink your eyes because i've never hung out with you maybe but i'm guessing that you blink your eyes wait did i say it's gonna be i forgot okay i got excited i can't remember if i said that it was going to be shorter than an eye blink or longer than in between it let me think because if you do that logically i mean i blink my eyes i another time there i blink my eyes a lot okay so it's not gonna be as uh short as as as quick punch as in between eye blinks because that's it would be over already and that'd be done and that episode wouldn't even make any sense to put that wouldn't even be like a promo that wouldn't even be like a teaser so it's not i think i need a new uh system of time uh counting that sounded very scientific uh let's see uh so eye blinks are out what other uh hiccups how often do you hiccup no that's going to be too long because you if you go like a week without hiccup i can't do a week-long episode they're they're not gonna let me upload that uh so heartbeats again no uh how about this this episode this laser lightning laser lightning laser lightning explosion episode of the bumper podcast is going to be about three minutes long that's right we're taking it back to how long the episodes were when we first started doing the bumper podcast not for all the episodes but just for this one because it's an episode how are we supposed to deal with that how are we supposed to live with that when there's only 30 seconds left fine i'll tell you something this morning i got up my kids didn't know what they wanted to eat for breakfast it was the first night in a week that they have let me sleep through the night which is amazing i feel like a million bucks and i said what do you want for breakfast i don't know well what do you want do you want this that this that this that this that they decided they wanted to eat the dog for breakfast because they thought it was hilarious to torture me by saying they wanted to eat the dog i said no and then one said bacon and i was like why would you do that pig's my best friend and then we decided you know what they were gonna eat pancakes

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  • Bumperpodcast #293 – Turkeys and Rabbits

    Bumperpodcast #293 – Turkeys and Rabbits

    We talk about rabbits, and other things that come into your house and leave things. We also meet Rolly T. Rufus – Rufus’ brother!

    Have you ever met a rabbit? Let us know by sending an email to bumperpodcast@nattybumpercar.com.

    The Bumperpodcast is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp around Headquarters, in Coffee-Can Alley, with Natty Bumpercar and his entire gaggle of pals! 

    About This Episode

    In this chaotic spring episode of Bumperpodcast, Aloysious J. Pig brings Turkey into the studio to deliver an urgent warning about an impending bunny situation. Host Natty Bumpercar struggles to understand what's happening as Rufus T. Rufus arrives with his older brother Raleigh T. Rufus, creating unexpected family drama. The conversation veers wildly from Easter bunny warnings to sibling rivalry, with Pig attempting to keep everyone focused on the mysterious rabbit threat. Natty reflects on the strange tradition of mythical creatures breaking into homes during holidays, from Santa to the Easter Bunny to leprechauns. The episode showcases the show's signature improvisational chaos as multiple characters talk over each other and the narrative spirals delightfully out of control.

    Memorable Quotes

    “It's this weird infatuation when you have kids at holidays of these creatures these magical mythical creatures that break into your house and do stuff.”

    — Natty Bumpercar

    “Sign on the dotted line and then I'll be a really rich swine. That's my new song.”

    — Aloysious J. Pig

    “I'm Rufus T. Rufus I don't listen to nobody never not once.”

    — Rufus T. Rufus

    Topics: #easter #family #holidays #chaos #siblingrivalry #mythicalcreatures #turkey #bunnies

    Featuring: Aloysious J. Pig, Natty Bumpercar, Turkey, Rufus T. Rufus, Raleigh T. Rufus

    Full Transcript

    Aloysious J. Pig: oh hey turkey turkey turkey turkey okay uh okay so here's the thing hey turkey hey all right everybody that's me aloesha's jay pig and i got turkeys in here too which is weird because it ain't really your holiday season you know proud and you just cock a little dough you're a turkey first off it's spring second off

    Natty Bumpercar: turkeys don't cock a total dough what are we doing hey guys it's me uh natty bumper guard what's up son you're the bumper podcast what's turkey doing here yeah you

    Aloysious J. Pig: yeah so i don't know is the answer i don't speak turkey so well but from my understanding he's upset about something so i decided to come in ruffle his feathers a little bit use the airwaves a little bit on the schedule you know embrace the platform that is the bumper podcast and get his word out on the streets on the main streets of turkey town well that's fine it's fine but normally

    Natty Bumpercar: you know uh i don't mind dropping a little bit of air on the streets of turkey town i've been guests from time to time but uh it's usually a reason that people are stopping by and uh turkey can you i don't speak turkey very well either i apologize but can you maybe just let us

    Aloysious J. Pig: know why you're here i guess okay i see what he is okay okay okay okay i'm getting it i'm not seeing anything what are you doing

    Natty Bumpercar: oh okay so you're here because in theory later this week at some point a bunny rabbit is going to come to my house with a basket of goodies for the children and so you're warning me that to keep an eye out for this bunny is is that was i i think that's what i got from what you were just saying is that right okay all right

    Aloysious J. Pig: on its way i think what turkey has brought to the table right now is i think we got ourselves a bunny situation a bit of a bunny situation a bit of a rabbit bunny situation situation so yeah betting down the hatches people what are you talking about

    Natty Bumpercar: what is about to happen what i don't understand what do you mean what is about to happen is something bad about to happen oh okay bye turkey thanks for the warning

    Turkey: hey who are you did y'all see that turkey just walking in the room that was just here

    Natty Bumpercar: yeah i did he's the biggest turkey out ever turkey but who are you huh who are you me yes

    Aloysious J. Pig: you my name is is Raleigh T. Rufus Raleigh T. Rufus and I you might make my acquaintance with my friend

    Rufus T. Rufus: well well well there he is there he is this is a time when family gets together bumper cars you met the acquaintance of my brother there he is he's a little bit littler but he's a lot bit older Mr. Raleigh T. Rufus there he is I'll buy that right now give it to him one time Raleigh

    Raleigh T. Rufus: this is gonna talk to y'all and then I saw that turkey and I was saying to myself what's a turkey like that turkey doing over here is this turkey town

    Natty Bumpercar: I don't know what's happening Rufus hi I haven't seen you in a while Raleigh you're really great I think you need to get closer to the microphone if you're gonna be on the podcast though cause you this is a recording booth and we're actually recording a podcast right now you know you wouldn't believe it I barely believe it based on what's happening hey Bumps

    Aloysious J. Pig: uh who is this dude what's up Ruf I got some paperwork I need you to fill out and sign and everything okay sign on the dotted line and then I'll be a really rich swine that's my new song I'm really rich but I said witch sign on the dotted line and then I'll be a really rich swine it's harder to do I think I'm just gonna stick with witch that's fine right

    Raleigh T. Rufus: what else do I say in here

    Natty Bumpercar: oh gosh

    Raleigh T. Rufus: Rufus is that a talking pig

    Aloysious J. Pig: that I'm looking at over there

    Natty Bumpercar: yeah it's a talking pig

    Aloysious J. Pig: what is this planet that you have broughted me to what is this I don't even understand this is what mama said she didn't want you to hang out with wait really you should go back home I ain't going back home you should go back home Rufus don't you Rufus don't you Rufus you need to come along with me right now

    Rufus T. Rufus: these are my business associates and they come we record I manage I am their manager I am their lawyer emeritus I do all of their paperwork I take care of everything I am the magician behind the scenes really that's what you're calling yourself I will be staying here and you go home and you can tell mom that's what the deal is I'm Rufus T. Rufus I don't listen to nobody never not once

    Natty Bumpercar: you know what my new wow I guess we're stuck in weird family drama now between Rufus and me and Raleigh my new favorite thing in the bumper podcast that I'm just now noticing is how every time somebody talks into the mic they say who they are because that's I feel like a really good sign of character development is when people have to be like hi my name is Natty Bumpercar I'm saying these words now oh and I am Pig I'm going to say these words my name is whatever Raleigh I mean there's a lot of names I guess that makes sense nobody

    Aloysious J. Pig: they can't see his brow so that makes sense

    Natty Bumpercar: so it makes sense that we're saying names yeah totally okay you know what carry on as you were you guys are doing a great job

    Aloysious J. Pig: so anyway I'm Aloysius J. Pig I'm just messing with you guys everybody knows who I am who I am I'm stuck down here with all these these these these backwards dudes it's just weird for me because where I come from is the big city the big mean dirty streets not a turkey town no no I come from the big mean streets of you know like over by Brooklyn Coffee Can Alley or Brown you know wherever I live I don't know where I live I live where I stay people come up to me all the time and they say hey Pig where do you stay and I say where do I stay and they said nice one where do you stay and they say I stay down here up the hill you know you know what I'm talking about

    Natty Bumpercar: no I don't think anybody knows what you're talking about yeah it was a lot of it made more sense when Turkey was here this is kind of definitely off the rails when Turkey was here at least we had it felt like we had a name narrative a through line narrative for the episode but then to be honest and I feel bad I'm not going to point any fingers but when Raleigh showed up excuse me I don't know what happened don't they stop making sense

    Aloysious J. Pig: a little bit you stop making you can't handle the truth you know what Rufus we need to go find us that turkey we need to go have ourselves a bit of a conversation with him about a few things for instance what kind of stuffing is better you know

    Rufus T. Rufus: oh now there he goes he's falling asleep falling asleep at the wheel as he does that's why he can't drive at night anymore you know what bumper car I had something I wanted to talk to you about but I'm not going to but I agree this whole ship has gone off of the rails that's fine I mixed my analogies up but y'all all have fun with your bunny talk or whatever you was going to talk about and I'm going to take my brother Raleigh T. Rufus on home tomorrow and we're going to have ourselves a final time going to go talk to that turkey that was inappropriate when he was going to have us a turkey but I think it's going to be just fine just fine pig you all go ahead and mail me your paperwork make sure to get it annotated notated and Rufus-tated Rufus-tated if you know what I'm saying and we will return

    Natty Bumpercar: okay wow well thanks for stopping by Rufus's brothers of Rufus brothers Rufus the brothers Rufus that's your name that's a good name your podcast it's never going to happen

    Aloysious J. Pig: so we should talk about we should talk about about the bunny we should talk about the bunny before people forget about the bunny

    Natty Bumpercar: yeah so

    Aloysious J. Pig: go ahead you go you do it you do it

    Natty Bumpercar: so it's this weird infatuation when you have kids at holidays of these creatures these magical mythical creatures that break into your house and do stuff we've got the elf on the shelf that comes around Christmas obviously there's Santa Claus that comes around Christmas now we have the leprechauns that we try to capture at St. Patrick's Day and then there's the and then there's this Easter bunny that comes and distributes eggs all around the house I don't think there's any other ones that I'm forgetting no there's nothing on Halloween there's not like thank goodness because that would that would not work out because the kids are already terrified enough but like get out of my house

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