Bumperpodcast #430 – Season 3 – Private Eye

Aloysious J. Pig: I'm feeling mighty aimless like your stoats too. I'm feeling pretty shameless like a prototoo. Uh, don't think I am blameless. Nah, man. Less, less, less. Yep. All of this is making me feel stressed, stressed, stressed. Who's that? Oh, no. This is where things usually go off the rails. Um, hello? Hey, who'd order some pizza pie, huh? What in the huckleberry hound? Who are you? I'd order the pizza pie. Who'd order the pizza pie? You called me up the pizza pie. I brought you the pizza pie. I, I, I don't know what's happening right now. I, no one here ordered any pizza pie and I don't recognize you and- Oh, you don't recognize me, huh? It's me, the private eye. Natty, I swear to you, if I could get to the door, I would leave right now. I do not understand what is happening. There are usually a lot of shenanigans here at the Bumper Podcast headquarters, wherever we are. Yeah. Yeah. But this is a little bit overboard. I agree. Who is this dude? I, I did, I don't know. I think, did you say you were a private, private eye? Yes, I did say that. I am not the private guy. I am the private guy. I'm a private, I'm the, the private eye. Okay. Okay. I, okay. Okay. I see what's happening here. Um, would you care to do a little splaining? Cause I don't, I don't know what, I don't know. You can, maybe, uh, tell me, tell me cause I'm in the room. Well, I've been feeling terrible that we haven't had a podcast forever because Sir Reginald stole everything. And I've been, and last week you guys seemed really sad. And so I was like, I got to get everything back. I gotta, I gotta fix this and I gotta make it right. And I didn't know what to do. And so I actually went, I found a yellow pages. What are yellow pages? What are you talking about? I, yeah, I forget you're young. So yellow pages before there was, uh, phones, iPhones and computers and Google and all, this stuff. If we wanted to find someone, if we wanted to like find anything, you had to go into a telephone book. What do you mean? It was like a book in the shape of a telephone or is it like, is it look like an, like a, like one of my mobile phones? Like, like this? No, no, no, no, no. Hey, uh, wait. And where did you get a mobile? Whose plan are you on? Are you on? We need to figure that out. Don't worry about it. Don't worry. No, it was just a book like a regular book that you would, uh, look through with words and it was all in alphabetical order. I don't, and there were, uh, people with their names and their telephone numbers and addresses and then it was also, uh, there was a section called the yellow pages where they would have, uh, businesses and stuff so you could find them. Oh, no, this sounds torturous. This has, it's just, how did anybody get anything done? I mean, at this point I have a hard time going from the couch to the refrigerator to, uh, to get a nice beverage. You know, that's a lot of effort for me. What I like to do is I look at my phone. And I say, hey, telephone. And then it, you know, and it's like, what can I do for you, pig? And then, uh, oh, no, I'm not doing it now, telephone, stop, it's okay. Your phone's doing it. But I say that phrase and, and, and then I say, please deliver me a nice, uh, delicious beverage, uh, uh, to the couch. And it does. Really? It's magic. It's basically, I live in, I live in magic world, magic land, if you will. I guess so, right? You're basically a pig wizard, uh, pig, pig, pig wizard. I've been standing here long enough, and I feel like you're ignoring me, so I'm going to say, hello. Wait, that dude's voice has changed. I didn't, is this your real voice? Can you, what is, what, what is your name? What is your business? What are you doing here? Well, people call me the Private Eye, but you can call me Pie. Wait, we're going to call you Pie? Like, like, P-I-E-E. What, why? I don't, I, Private Eye, I get. Pie, I do not understand. So, Pie is basically, I mean, it's just, you take, uh, whatever you want. You can have a savory pie, uh, or you can have, like, a, uh, a delicious fruit pie. I, I was talking about him. I was talking about him. Oh, you were talking about him. Yeah, not about actual pies, but, yeah. Yeah, okay, I get it. All right. I got confused. I'm hungry, if I'm to be honest. Yeah, okay, okay, ready? As you are. Okay, thank you. So, um, what is, P-I-E, Private Eye, what does the I stand for? You got it. You got the private, you got the I. The I stands for incredulous, incredible, intubatable. No, no, no, no. Intelligent. No, this doesn't. All the I words. I mean, it feels like you haven't fully fleshed out your character, and that's fine, but the I, I'm just, I'll call you Pie. Yeah. Or Private, I'm just gonna call you Private Eye. It's kind of ridiculous. So, my, my other question, uh, uh, Private Eye is, uh, um, your voice is very strange. Is that your real voice? Is that, is it some sort of an act? Hold on while I take off my costume! Oh! Look at me. No, now you look like the person in the picture. Now I recognize, yeah, okay, yeah, Aloysius, uh, this is the guy that I called, um. Okay, now I'm getting somewhere. So, um, he comes very well, um, reviewed. What's that, what's that noise? So, you know, I, I, I guess I'm gonna have to trust you. So, he, um. Okay. So, my other question, fine, now we know who he is, but the voice, it just seems, it, I don't know. Well, you are talking about my voice. That's because I am a master of all language arts. I, I guess I could see how that comes in handy in your line of work, especially with the whole costumes thing, um. Eh. I, I, would you like to hear my, uh, Russian voice? It's really embarrassing, Natty. I'm from the mother, I'm from Russia. Oh, no, no. You know, okay, let me help you out, okay? That's terrible. Like, that's really not good. You know, it's a dialect, but now you want to, you're going to hear my, uh, French, uh, my French, my French. Your French voice. Hold on one second. I just have to get ready. Ah, ah, ah. I'm French. No, you're not. No. One day, two day, Wednesday. No, no. This is a Thursday. Why are you doing the days of the week? What is that? Listen, Pi, can you, I, these voices are terrible and, and, and, and borderline problematic. Can you please just, what is your, can you talk to us in your normal, whatever, whatever your normal voice is, just, you know, like, we're just three, uh, people hanging out. Hey, in a room, and then you're going to just talk to us, okay? Okay. Are you sure that you want me to do that? Absolutely. A hundred percent. One thousand million. A hundred percent. We're sure. Please just talk to us in your…

Private Eye: Oh, hi. Hi, everybody. Oh, no. Yeah, this is my normal voice. No.

Aloysious J. Pig: It's just… No.

Private Eye: It's just… This is… So, yeah.

Aloysious J. Pig: Okay, this is, that was, I actually, that made my skin, like, I, skin is crawling. Like, I feel like… Ooh. Somebody just threw cold water on me or something.

Private Eye: Yeah, I get that a lot. You know, a lot of people, they say that, uh, my voice is off-putting. Okay. And I can't disagree with them.

Aloysious J. Pig: I, um, am hesitant to do this, but I also, I have goosebumps. And, you know, you talk how you talk, and that's totally fine. You should be proud of how you, who you are and how you talk. Um, but maybe… Ah. Could we just do, like, a toned-down version of the pizza man that when you first came in, I think that would be maybe okay with, with, with me. Oh, you've had a shot. Here we go. Okay, thanks, thanks, thanks. Tell me if this is okay. I, it seems better, but just, you don't have to do, like, the, the affectations, like the tell, uh, me. You can just say tell me, and I think we'll be okay with that. I will work on it. It's difficult to… I… Pull my characters down. I've spent a lifetime building them. Okay, you sound, you sound like… Like what? A little bit like a robot in Sicily, which is okay. Look at, you know, Sicily, look at you. So, Natty, what did… Yeah, sorry. What did you, what did you hire this private eye for? So, huh, um, when we were at our storage unit, and Sir Reginald came, and he claimed all of our podcasting equipment, that was, like, a while ago. And we haven't been able to do the Bumper Podcast, and in theory, I have exciting news that's coming up, um, but it's not gonna happen if I don't have, if we don't have podcasting equipment. Um, so we need to, we need somebody to help us, because I've looked, I don't know how to find Sir Reginald. You know, there's, I looked through the phone book. That you looked through the phone book from, like, 20 years ago, and you didn't, you didn't come up? Did you, didn't he set his alphabet, alphabetical, did you look under Sir, or Reginald, Sir Reg, like, what do you… That, um, yeah, it's not gonna work. Yeah, the phone book is a good idea to… You, you're, you've become a real amalgam. I feel like you've gotten lost in, in your characters. You've, you've, you, you're maybe embarrassed of how you talk, and, and so you've created all these other characters to, uh, express yourself through? That's, that's, that's rough. It is, um, also a part of… Oh, no, I, hmm, I can't, like, it's…

Private Eye: You've really confused me, I don't know how I'm supposed to talk anymore, how I didn't feel like… My whole career is ruined.

Aloysious J. Pig: Yeah, you know what, a lot of people who come on this podcast say the exact same thing. They're like, oh, I was doing so good in my career, and then I got booked on the Bumper Podcast, and then all of a sudden, uh, the phones, uh, stopped ringing, the doors stopped knocking, the people stopped coming, and everything. No. Went away. Come on. And so it's, we, I get it. I get it. That's not fair. There, there's, there's so many people who have been on the podcast who, who have just, you know, exploded into fame, into the stratosphere, into the universe. They've just gone on to be… Could you name, uh, one? Yes. One, maybe. Okay, um, one. Um, uh, uh, Peanut Lou, uh, was, uh, he was in a commercial for one of those, those beds that can lit… That can, like, lift up from the back. Remember that? It was like a cat bed, and it would lift, and it would get hot and cold and everything. Are they the Purrty Beds? Yes. See, Pig? He, he knows Purrty Beds. I totally forgot about Purrty Beds. What was their tagline? No. They'll have, oh, they'll have you feelin'. Feline. Feline. Fine. Yeah. It's just, I don't know, right? Fine. You got one. Purrty Beds. Feline. Fine. It, it was a lot of wordplay. A lot of puns. He did great in that commercial. Anyway, back to the task at hand. We need our podcast equipment. Private Eye over here is obviously a master of disguise and different characters, and hopefully has the detective skills to do exactly what we need so that we can get the show back on the road. You, you sounded like you were doing the build to the end of the podcast so it would end right at road, but you did, you missed it by like 40 seconds. Just, all right. Yeah. So. Try harder. Look at the clock. Um, yes. So Private Eye. You gonna, are you gonna do this for us? You gonna find Sir Reginald? Are you gonna help us get the bumper podcast back together?

Private Eye: You're incredibly lucky that I'm gonna take this case on and we are gonna get things done. Okay. As I'm the best Private Eye than the whole of Coffee Cane Alley.

Aloysious J. Pig: The voice is like the ghost of a marshmallow. That fell into a vat of honey. That, that would, that was eaten by a sloth.

Natty Bumpercar: The bumper podcast is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp with Natty bumper car and some of his pals. It is family friendly, clean, and ridiculous. Thanks a bundle for listening. If you love our show, we're here to help. If you want to support our show and you'd like to help support the podcast, check out our Patreon page at HTTPS colon forward slash forward slash www.patreon.com forward slash Natty bumper car. Also pretty please subscribe wherever you get your podcasts, share it with everyone everywhere, post about it on all of the social medias or leave a rating and review. The bumper podcast is produced at headquarters in Coffee Cane Alley. It's recorded, mixed, and produced by us. The bumper podcast features contributions from Aloysius J. Pig, Rufus T. Rufus, Doodle Poodle, Robot, Trunks, and a gaggle of other silly rascals. Our head talker is probably Natty bumper car. We also have an absurd newsletter. Check it out and subscribe at Natty bumper car dot com slash subscribe. Also, you can follow me on Instagram and Twitter at Natty bumper car. Hugs and hearts. See you soon.

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Private Eye: This has been a non-productive media presentation.