I apologize for the poem . . . But, these are harsh times that we are living in. Yesterday, I was beaten soundly by a sandwich that boasts that there is “So much chicken that there wasn’t room for a bun.” A “sandwich” that consists of a crunchy chicken breast with two pieces of bacon, two (not quite at all) melted slices of Monterey Jack and pepper jack cheese, a dab of Colonel’s Sauce and then capped off (somewhat inexplicably) with another crunchy chicken breast.

I am, of course, ranting about the new KFC Double-Down. An unsightly, unseemly mess of calories (540) and salt (1380mg) and almost impossible to eat pile of whatnot and hootenanny. I need to impress fully onto you that there is no bread. There is no bun. There isn’t a place to get a hand-hold on this monstrosity. But, it wasn’t even fun to eat with my hands – like in a “I’m playing with my food” Medieval Times kind of way – – – and as a side note – – – – the only way that it was even remotely similar at all to the great castle feast was that instead of wenches – – – there were retches – from the Double-Down – get it? Ugh . . . See what I kind of tried to do there?

I am miserable.

I like – no – LOVE fast food . . . and I expect it to be terrible for me and edible. I expect it to go through focus groups that chisel ideas of granite into stone sculptures of scrumptious delight . . . The volcano taco is a splendid example of – a perfect union between concept and execution . . . the shell is red!! But, when I picked up my Double-Down, I didn’t love it. It removed all of my giddy and instead – made me feel gross. I was only able to tackle 5 bites. I could go no further.

I need you to know – that I hate to waste food . . . and so, on the way home, I threw my remaining food-stuff at a bear that was sitting on a park bench. At least, I think it was a bear. All I know is that he ate it – but I don’t really think that this event tempers my review at all, because – bears will eat anything. Especially in these tough times. Right?!

The “Colonel’s Sauce” . . . ever heard of it? I hadn’t. Sooooo, I wasn’t so sure what kind of a treat that I was in for. Well . . . As soon as I tasted it, a lightbulb went off in my head. I had tasted this taste before . . . many years ago – maybe? It had a tang – it looked a little like thousand island dressing . . . but where? And then it hit me that I was eating Zaxby’s sauce. The Colonel had evidently slipped past security at le headquarters de la Zaxby’s and swiped the secret sauce recipe. Hmmmmmmmm.

Maybe I should take a moment to digress from my review of the Double-Down to let you know that I am not a fan of fast food convergence. I understand that burger places have burgers and chicken places have chicken – – – but – – – I need some sort of line in the sand that I can use to figure out what is what in the quick gastronomic world. I’ve got my eye right on you Burger King – with your new Sausage Egg McMuffin rip-off . . . and you McDonald’s with your Chick-fil-a wannabe Southern Style Chicken sandwich. Del Taco – why do you have burgers on your menu? Sonic . . . I’m not even going to get me started on your mish-mash menu. Let’s keep it simple out there – my brain can’t take it.

The commercial on the KFC website screams that I shouldn’t “just feed your hunger” and that I should in fact “CRUSH IT!”

Well Colonel . . . mission accomplished. Not only has my hunger been crushed, but, so has my will to eat anything . . . ever – ever again.

The saddest part is that I was really starting to get a hankering for Taco Bell’s new Tortada – another “un”sandwich missile in the continuing onslaught against the good and simple hoagies in the world. But, now that I have lived in the unhungry side of KFC . . . I’m just not so sure that I will be able to cross the border.

Harumph.