Tag: podcast

Bumperpodcast #328 – The Kids

Natty woke up in the middle of the night, sad about the state of the world, and emotional that his kids are growing up in record time. There aren’t a lot of laughs in this episode, just a lot of talky-talk. Be nice to one another.

The Bumperpodcast is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp around Headquarters, in Coffee-Can Alley, with Natty Bumpercar and his entire gaggle of pals!

You should send us an email to bumperpodcast@nattybumpercar.com, or to call in and leave a message – 646.847.7976. We’re here and we’re listening!

Go like our Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/TheBumperpodcast/)!!

About This Episode

In this introspective episode, Natty Bumpercar shares his emotional reflections as his youngest son Ollie prepares for pre-K graduation after eight years at the same daycare. Natty discusses the importance of celebrating children's achievements, defending participation trophies and letting kids feel special during milestone moments. He recounts a touching moment with his older son Emerson on his last day of school, emphasizing how crucial it is to tell loved ones they're appreciated. While grappling with difficult world events, Natty advocates for kindness, compassion, and remembering that everyone deserves respect—even when perspectives differ. This rare solo episode showcases a more vulnerable side of the usually comedic puppet host.

Memorable Quotes

“People get trophies for participating that's cool that's awesome you guess what you did something you participated and now you get to feel good about it.”

— Natty Bumpercar

“I need you to look at me… buddy, I want you to know how proud we are of you, that you made it through this year and you did such an amazing job.”

— Natty Bumpercar

“When you do nice things, it'll make you feel better, too. You're doing the nice thing because it'll make you feel better.”

— Natty Bumpercar

Topics: #graduation #parenting #childhoodmilestones #kindness #compassion #perspective #family #growingup

Featuring: Natty Bumpercar

Full Transcript

Natty Bumpercar: hey everybody it's me natty bumper car and I am in a bit of a mood today I guess a lot of there's a lot of things happening right there's a lot of stuff going on in the world this could be i'm super excited about that and i'm giving a speech at the graduation and when i gave i gave a little talk at emerson's graduation a few years ago and and i cried like i've never cried before in my life in front of a an auditorium full of people i was on the microphone and i was hyperventilating and uh i was it was it was quite the scene and and now for ollie's this is my last little kid and this is i've been at this this pre-k this daycare for eight years and and and i'm giving a little talk i've got it all nice and written out i have to i still have to print it and i i like to go what i do is i type it and then i print it and then i go through and i kind of mark it up and then i retype it with those uh the markup edits and um and then that's my final copy and uh so i got a tiny bit of work to do and um today i went in and uh and they've started like they took the uh by the hooks where you hang the bags every morning uh they took down the little name plates they took down a little the little stickers and uh so it's just wild wild west there's bags everywhere it's it's crazy um and it's it's it's it's an interesting hard thing uh where you know people like oh pre-k graduation why are we even celebrating this why does everybody get a trophy and it's just it's like stop just stop it like we don't have we're better than you're better than that i would assume like people get trophies for participating that's cool that's awesome you guess what you did something you participated and now you get to feel good about it we don't have to be like uh you know A seven-year-old's like, hey, you didn't win the tournament, so you don't get a trophy. What's the point of that? Oh, yeah, okay, I guess you could say, oh, well, it's going to make them stronger people. It's going to make them strive to do better next time. They're kids. Just let them have fun and let them get their trophy and let them go home feeling great. Right? Because there's going to be a lot of points in their life when they don't feel great. So let's let them feel great as much as they can whenever they can is my way of thinking. And so a pre-K graduation, you know, the kids don't really know what's going on, but they know that it's exciting. And they know the spotlight is on them. They know that it's their special day, that they're turning a chapter in their lives, in the little book of their lives. They're very short lives at this point. And but this is like a momentous thing where from when they're babies, they're with these people. And then after this day, they're going to go off to new schools and they're not all going to be together. And the ramifications, they don't know about all that stuff. They don't care about that. Like, oh, I might I might not see you, you know, whatever. But they they know, like, hey, this is a big deal. Like we did it. And in it, what did we do? We turned five and we became the legal age to go to kindergarten. But that was good for you. You got to a point where now you're going to move on to the next step. And that's great. And so hurray for kids, hurray for for them. And so we're going through all this stuff with with Ali. You know, there's field trips. There's like I think there were three field trips, which is a lot of field trips. There's his graduation. And then Emerson, you know, he's getting bigger, too. Like I took a picture of today. It's his last day of school and he's at the top of the stairs. And he's such a big guy. And I'm just like, who who are you people in my house, in my life? You're like my little pals, my little buddies. Like, I can go see movies with Emerson. I can go see The Incredibles, whatever. I can I can hang out. Neither of us can have popcorn because I've got my Invisalign and he's got his orthodontist. Sure. So, you know. We're going through that at the same time, too. It's nice. And then you look around at the rest of the world. Right. And what's going on? And I'm not going to get into things because that's not what this show is. And I don't know if there's kids listening. Hey, kids, are you out there? Are you listening? You're awesome. Good for you. I had to go back for a second. Today was Emerson's last day of school and we were late because I was putting together. I made these pictures. For in frames for his teachers. We were wrapping them. So we got there a couple of minutes late, but he was he was desperate to run in the school. He wanted to get in the school. He wanted to be there for morning care so that he could hang out with his friends for the last day of the school year. But we were late, which he was kind of upset about. You wanted to run in and I had to grab him before he ran in. And I got this right into his little face and I said, I need you to look at me. And he was like, OK, and he doesn't like he gets rude. He's really embarrassed with this kind of stuff because we're out in public. But I looked at him, I was holding his little face and I said, buddy, I want you to know how proud we are of you, that you you made it through this year and you did such an amazing job. You're such a wonderful kid and everyone loves you and everyone's so, so amazed at how well you're doing and and we're all excited for everything that you're going to do. Now, get in there and have a great day. Have a great day. And his little eyes like blinked, like blink, blink, blink. And he said, OK, dad. And he ran in. And I don't think people tell kids this type of stuff often enough. Like you go through your day to day. You're you got to. Oh, I got to go get gas. Oh, then I got to go return this box and then I got to go get this other box. And then, you know, I got to take this thing out of this box. I got to put this thing together. Oh, then I got to do this. There's just so much. There's so much stuff like minutiae in life, especially these days from when you wake up until when you go to bed. You can even pretend that like, oh, I got to put up, you know, five tweets today and I got to make sure that my social media metrics are good, whatever that is. Or, you know, you're staring at your phone and that you feel like you're almost accomplishing something because you're staring at your phone. On top of all, like, oh, I've actually got to go to the grocery store. I've got to make this food. I've got whatever. I've got to feed the dog. I've got. But there's so much minutiae that you can mask the rest of your life with that. I think it's important to people used to say, hey, stop and smell the roses. Yes, stop to stop and, you know, grab people that are important to you and tell them that they're important to you and tell them why they're important to you and say something to make them feel better. I am. On a daily basis, an embarrassment to my family because I like to talk to people. I talk to people in line at checkout. I talk to people at the restaurant, people I don't know, strangers. And I try to say nice things to them. Right. Just to make this random nice thing to say to people. Right. Because what you'll see is when you say nice things to people, if you do nice things for people. A lot of times they'll recognize it. They'll internalize it and they feel better. And then that's great. Sometimes they don't acknowledge it. They just kind of go about their life because they're in their own headspace. And that's fine, too, because it's not it's not about you're not doing the thing, the nice thing to get recognition for it. You're doing the nice thing because when you do nice things, it'll make you feel better, too. And. I don't want to. I'm not going to get into again because there's I think there's there's probably kids listening, but there's scary, bad things happening in the world around us. And when I look at my kids and I look at the privilege that they have and how lucky they are with their lives and where they are right now. And then I think about where other people are in the world. And it's it's heartbreaking and it's it's it's soul wrenching and it's just I don't know what to do. And I don't I don't feel sometimes I don't feel good about feeling good because there's these other people that are going through really bad stuff. And this is a comedy podcast. Right. Yeah. Pigs usually here. Rufus T. Rufus. Robot. Everybody. But I we had an episode a while ago about when I was sad. It was for different stuff. It was for different reasons. But I think it's important to realize that there's other people in different positions in life and it's all your perspective and how you see them. But you got to understand that every single person is a person and they deserve rights. They deserve respect. They deserve compassion and love. And, you know, if their political bent doesn't rhyme with yours or their religious affiliation or whatever their views are. They're still people. And. I think for the world to continue to work. We have to help people. And it's like I'm I'm I'm kind of I'm stammering. I'm laboring because I don't know the answers. I don't know how to make this better, but I just know that I don't feel good about what's happening in the world right now. And I don't know how you could feel good about what's happening in the world right now. And I made a comment the other day on some post and someone's like, oh, Natty Bumpergar is getting political. And it's like all I can do these days not to climb to the highest mountain and just scream like anguish scream because I don't understand how we are, where we are right now, how we got to this place.

Unknown: And.

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June 20, 2018
Bumperpodcast #327 – Is This Podcast Scripted?

Natty Bumpercar and Pig get into a real row over the mailroom, and why people aren’t checking their mail slots. This bickering brings Rufus T. Rufus back to the show – where he lets everyone in on some secret learning that he’s been up to.

The Bumperpodcast is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp around Headquarters, in Coffee-Can Alley, with Natty Bumpercar and his entire gaggle of pals!

You should send us an email to bumperpodcast@nattybumpercar.com, or to call in and leave a message – 646.847.7976. We’re here and we’re listening!

Go like our Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/TheBumperpodcast/)!!

About This Episode

In Bumperpodcast episode 327, Natty Bumpercar makes a shocking revelation that throws the entire show into chaos: the podcast has been scripted all along! Aloysious J. Pig is stunned to discover there's a mail room with scripts he's never checked, leading to a heated debate about unpaid rent and missing cable channels. Rufus T. Rufus arrives as the show's lawyer and newly certified IT overlord, threatening legal action over contract violations. The episode devolves into arguments about lease agreements, allowances, and whether anyone actually listens to the show. Natty shares a heartwarming story about helping a lost stranger, pleading for everyone to just be nice to each other. The chaos concludes with promises of newsletters, wiki pages, and mail chimp subscriptions to finally get the show organized.

Memorable Quotes

“It is 100% scripted and if you check your cubby in the mail room that's where all the scripts have been for every single episode and if you're not checking them then I'm assuming there's just a huge pile.”

— Natty Bumpercar

“Nobody listens to this show. I mean we've been looking at the numbers, the downloads, all of your analytic metrics. I know a few more words now because I took class at the mall.”

— Rufus T. Rufus

“You got to help people, you got to help strangers because you don't know what situation they're in and you don't know if one day you're going to be in a situation where you need help too.”

— Natty Bumpercar

Topics: #scriptedvsimprovised #rentdispute #legalcontracts #mailroom #kindness #helpingstrangers #behindthescenes #showbusiness

Featuring: Natty Bumpercar, Aloysious J. Pig

Full Transcript

Natty Bumpercar: uh so hey everybody it's me natty bumper car and this is well you know what this is this is the bumper podcast because you can hear me lisping so you obviously automatically are like oh this is the show where the host and every person on it lisps even if they're a robot or a pig cool well i'm a little bit uh i have a kerfuffle i was uh i was going through the uh the script for today

Aloysious J. Pig: and bro did you just say there's a script hey pig yeah hey it's me aloysius j pig um did you just say that there was a script for this show this is just what what are you talking about there's no

Natty Bumpercar: way this is scripted bro it is 100 scripted and if you check your cubby uh that's where in the mail room that's where all the scripts have been for every single episode and if you're not checking them then i'm assuming there's just a huge pile i don't know wait is this why you haven't been paying your rent you've never actually even paid your rent this doesn't make any come on dude there's a mail room

Aloysious J. Pig: you've got a mail slot it goes into a cubby okay first things first no one ever told me that i was gonna have to pay for this and if they did i probably would have lived somewhere else okay because let's be honest the accommodations

Natty Bumpercar: maybe ain't as up to snuff as you think today is and by the way if i were to pay rent i would expect some things some frivolities if you will i would expect a stocked refrigerator i would expect the bathroom to be caked in mud because you know what pigs like a little bit of a mud bath and uh there's some other things too okay i don't think i get all the channels what do you mean you'll get all the channels we get all the channels we get the big package are you sure yes i'm positive i check seriously all you should you want to go through it right now no not right now well when do you want to do this because if we're going to do this like if we're going to be complaining about everything here at headquarters then i don't maybe that we start there we start with the channels and we work our way from uh zero there ain't no zero that's just okay fine yeah well we start from wherever the channels start and we go all the way through them well if you ain't got zero today at all yeah i see see how it works bumper car you said you got to go through it all the channels and then i caught you in a loophole and now your contract is expired and now not only did i not pay rent but i will be seeing you in a court of law whereby i believe you will owe me some sort of restitution for the pain and suffering that i have experienced since i have been living here so wait just because you don't have the zeros exactly that doesn't come on got the double o channel zero okay no it's not okay and i i don't i'm oh no this is not how i wanted my i hello rufus rufus lawyer to headquarters for all of our legal woes that is exactly correct it is i rufus t rufus and i've jumped into the fray this morning i am uh if i can stand the heat and so i will be staying in the kitchen the pot is on the stove and the burner is on high and there is oil in the pan with a little bit of butter so that it doesn't uh smoke and so you'll get your flavor and i'm gonna hop in to that hot pan in that hot oil on that hot stove in that hot kitchen because again oh rufus t rufus can take the heat and now what i understand first things first stop stop stop how come i never got a script for this show huh what are you talking about if i'm the lawyer i feel like i should be reading and resuscitating the words that are going to be spoken on a weekly basis are you supposed to be checking your uh mail slot evidently have you been to the mail i didn't even know it was a mail room evidently there's some sort of uh money that's to someone i'm not entirely sure okay listen both of you just stop there's no legal issues pig i will go to the mail room we'll go through the scripts we can organize them and then you can actually check them out and look and see what's there and what's kind of what i mean every week i send you guys stuff i always wonder why things go off the rails and now i know ah completely scripted from the first episode the bumper podcast i had it's uh you know it's got everyone's name who's supposed to be on it it's got like the synopsis of the beginning of the episode and you know it ah this is so i put in so much work i type those out manually individual every single one i type out manually on a typewriter because i don't want there to be a digital copy because then that's going to leak out on the internet and everyone's going to know what the episode is all about and you know if you spoilers but if you put that stuff out then people aren't going to listen because they're like why would i bother listening to your episode if i already know exactly what's going on and i'm not going to be able to listen to it what's going to happen give it give it give it give it hold on son now son now son now say listen to me uh nobody listens to this show i mean we've been looking at the numbers we've been looking at the downloads we've been looking at all of your analytic metrics i know a few more words now than i used to know because i took class at the mall where they told me i am now officially certified not only to be your lawyer but also to be your lawyer also to be your information technology overlord so i can what i can do is i can boot up a server for you i can boost your ram i can change the batteries in your mouth i can do all of these things on top of providing with you the best lawyering in this town in this whole place so back to square one when this show started i was under the interpretation that this was an improvised show and that there would be no scripting because you see that requires a completely different contract from the players now that would be mr doodle pooter that would be mr robot that would be whatever that uh that that that that that pirate man was called i believe there was other cat anyway anyone who's been on this show will have to sign this on the dotted line you understand that it's not exactly a dotted line it's a straight line very thin looks a little bit dotted in the right light but you understand i will put a post-it note with an arrow pointing to where they need to sign you understand and if they don't sign my friend every single episode is

Aloysious J. Pig: gonna have to go ah bah bah now you say now that sounds like a threat like he's gonna take every single episode of the bubba podcast away

Natty Bumpercar: but to me it sounds like you're doing a service to the community it sounds like you're helping people out you're like i'm gonna there's this flotsam there's this jetsam uh floating around the ocean i'm gonna take it out and we're gonna clean it up so that the whales don't eat uh whatever you're putting out okay so that's environmentally friendly it's environmentally safe and i like it i appreciate it rupes not only are you our it overlord not only are you our employer but evidently you're also our uh environmental wizard so thank you so much for keeping the planet fresh and safe for me and mine no totally in the time okay if you say me and mine that's putting on an assumption that there's more than there's just you there's just you there's you don't go out of the house i mean which is cool it's fine i'm just saying and i don't know why i'm sticking on that it's my sticking point because i'm kind of freaking out rufus you can't keep coming into the show and threatening to take the whole show away that makes you the villain of the show which is fine i guess because people seem to like villains these days why do people like why do people have to be mean to people we don't need villains the world is tough enough i always say that everyone should be nice to each other why just the other day i had to drop my car off at the shop because it had a hole in the tire and i said the guy well how long do you think this will take he said well there's a lot of cars in front of you probably a couple hours and i was like whoa until you can even see it he was like yeah and so i walked two miles home good for me right uphill both ways but on the walk home uh there was a woman who was kind of lost seeming and kind of she was and i was like hey how can i help you and she had ridden the bus and the bus dropped her off at the wrong place and she was like how do i get to and she told me the name of the place and so i found it on the map and i was like see this blue dot here that's you you're i'm a blue dot and i was like i know i'm a blue dot too maybe we're both blue dots i don't know and i was like but see this red dot and she's like yeah and i was like that's where you gotta go and she's like that looks far and i was like it is 2.14 miles and she was like nope but here's the thing i took her back to the bus stop because she had an hour and a half and i said just wait here when the bus comes make sure you get off i told her where to get off and i made her day because why because you got to help people you got to help strangers because you know you don't know what situation they're in and you don't know if one day you're going to be in a situation where you need help too and so then what do you do you're going to look for somebody to help you and hopefully the world's going to be a nice place and it's going to help you out as opposed to somebody coming in and threatening to take away my podcast which is this episode 327 and i haven't even gotten to i'm riled i'm a little bit riled now i haven't even gotten to the whole paying rent thing listen um i was looking through i went back down to the mail room while you was yipping and yapping and i found some papers and i found there was a lease agreement that was never signed i never saw that and so my assumption is and also i thought i was supposed to be getting an allowance to help you out with all these escapades that you put forth see none of that so what i propose is clean slate wipe it clean tabula rasa and then we move forward i don't owe you nothing you don't currently owe me nothing but that will you know it's going to build up the more i talk on the show and then we just go from there now gentlemen i understand i'm listening and it makes sense to me what i've done is i have uh signed up for mail chimp and i'm going to start a newsletter that's going to have a full list of people that are going to be in the i will send it to both of you you will fill out this form and this will act as a contract which i will store in the cloud and my documents in the cloud i will send you the password protected excel spreadsheet file and i believe that that's going to clarify everything and if you check my wiki page and you understand that's going to be all on there for y'all to read now if you need to and then you could move that forward as well i'm very nimble might you understand i gotta be quick and be ready to move i'm actually astounded that you knew all those words those are very technical words you really that mall class really did you right fine all right we're going to figure all this out you're going to send the form i'm going to read your wiki we're going to do all that we're going to push it on get whatever all that stuff is right and um next week though i would very much appreciate it if you guys could check your mail slots because we'll have the script and we'll have in there it's usually there by wednesday or thursday so that you guys can get into character and figure out what you're supposed to be talking about and if you have to research anything i don't know how method you are for your uh podcasting but i feel like we're on the right track now finally and moving forward i'm pretty sure that things are gonna be amazing

Unknown: you

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June 15, 2018
Bumperpodcast #325 – Invisalign

Here it is – the new podcast that everyone is talking about. The Bumperpodcast is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp around Headquarters, in Coffee-Can Alley, with Natty Bumpercar and his entire gaggle of pals!

Holy cow! It is episode number 325. What a milestone! But – wait. Does everyone sound a little bit odd to you?! Listen to see!

You should send us an email to bumperpodcast@nattybumpercar.com, or to call in and leave a message – 646.847.7976. We’re here and we’re listening!

Go like our Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/TheBumperpodcast/)!!

About This Episode

In episode 325 of Bumperpodcast, Natty Bumpercar and the entire cast grapple with an unexpected side effect of their new Invisalign aligners. What was supposed to be an invisible teeth-straightening solution becomes a comedy of dental denial as Natty, Producer, Rufus T. Rufus, Doodle Poodle, and Robot all insist they sound exactly the same while clearly struggling to speak normally. Natty shares the trials of constant teeth brushing, living on water, and the horror of discovering that "buttons" are actually sharp epoxy spikes attached to your teeth. The episode celebrates the show's milestone 325th episode while the cast navigates lisps, extra spittle, and the realization that their voices have definitely changed, despite what the dentist promised.

Memorable Quotes

“They call them buttons which sounds adorable I would love to have buttons on my teeth… what buttons turn out to be are these little stalactites stalagmite sharp pointy just spikes of epoxy on your teeth.”

— Natty Bumpercar

“This will be known as the period of the Bumper Podcast where everybody sounded a little bit off. A little bit interesting.”

— Rufus T. Rufus

“Robot, you sound like you're from either the future or space or robot heaven… It sounds like your mouth is full of angel horns.”

— Natty Bumpercar

Topics: #invisalign #dentalhealth #self-consciousness #podcastmilestone #comedy #contracts #voiceacting

Featuring: Natty Bumpercar, Producer, Rufus T. Rufus, Doodle Poodle, Robot

Full Transcript

Natty Bumpercar: uh hey hey everybody it's me it's me nary bumper car and um so this is episode this is episode 325 and um that's huge that's a big episode what yeah no i i don't think i'm i'm not talking different at all why would you ask that what well listen no it's just that guys i got um braces invisalign i got invisalign they're not braces i guess they're like plastic trays that go onto my mouth and um i got it last well three days ago and um everything is weird and everything is different and i don't eat food and i only drink water and um now i'm super self-conscious about how i talk and um yeah it's pretty awesome you know it's good why why would i get it well because i had some teeth that were cracked because something like the way that my jaw was setting or sitting or something and uh it was also there's some weird gum stuff happening i don't really understand it i just kind of go to the dentist and i they say things and i shake my head sure sure but i was like hey guys this isn't gonna make me sound any different is it and they were like no of course it's not gonna make you sound any different and i was like good because i you know what i talk i talk for a living i just kind of i do i love talking talking so i just wanted to make sure i didn't i didn't sound any

Producer: different but um i was worried about because i got the invisalign too if it would make me sound any different than it uh but they said it doesn't affect your voice at all so it's good you know it's good it's a little bit tight on my teeth but uh it's overall i think it's a pretty good experience so uh yeah you know do you think i sound different my teeth are gonna be nice and straight no i don't think i sound different i think you sound exactly the same okay okay i wasn't sure all right am i right come on yeah i think you sound

Natty Bumpercar: exactly the same too like i don't hear any difference in how you're speaking at all so this is working oh

Rufus T. Rufus: hello there boom this is very difficult hold on a second let me just uh adjust my my jill but here everyone this is Rofresh teeth Rofresh and uh according to the contract i was able to get uh five invisaligns for the price of one and i made them sign and seal and deliver a piece of paper understand because i am the lawyer for here at headquarters for the bumper podcast i made them sign a letter that stated that no one's voice would sound different because of course we are in the business of making noises with our mouths you understand podcasting you understand standoff comedy you understand comedy you understand comedy you understand comedy you cartoons, and whatnot, such as that. There's a lot more spittle in my mouth, is what I've noticed. There's a lot more jumble, you know, just jumbles and jambles and such as that. Episode, excuse me, I do not like to pucker up on the microphone like that. Episode 325, Natty Bumpergut, congratulations for making it to episode 325. We have brought you this, hold on a second, gift that I will purchase, that I will find, hold on one second.

Natty Bumpercar: Guys, I can't even believe you guys got me a gift that I, I do think, I mean, like, to my ear, it sounds a little, a little bit different.

Producer: I mean, maybe it's just ghosts. Yeah, right? Just like a little,

Natty Bumpercar: just a tiny bit different. I don't know. It might just be, I might be stuffed up or something.

Producer: Well, it's terrible. Problems are ceasing outside right now. So it could be dead, of course. But, you know, what Rufus was talking about with the present, we, you know, all came together. We all gathered together in the break room and we were like, that's a lot of episodes, 325 episodes. And so, you know, we thought, oh, hey, we're saved by the door.

Doodle Poodle: It's a big little problem. It's a little problem. Oh, I can't, I don't know. I can't. I also got a universal life. So it's in my mouth. And they're not a sponsor. So I don't think we should keep saying their name. But I'm very excited, you said, to have straight teeth. That look like little pearls in my mouth. And I just wonder, I can't even talk. You know what I'm gonna do? Is I'm gonna go over, it's me, doodle poodle. I couldn't say it before. But now I'm able to say it a little bit easier. So anyway, I'm gonna probably make a doodle. Something exciting. Like somebody who has pearls in their mouth instead of teeth. I don't think you, I think you guys sound not this, I think you guys sound totally the same. So anyway. Thanks TP. This is kind of cool.

Natty Bumpercar: Alright, he sounded more down than I think I've ever heard him. He sounded kind of confused. and I get a little bit worried and like a little bit so like listen Invisalign right what do they do they take molds of your see it hurts I don't think it's supposed to hurt they take um they took molds of my mouth with this goo stuff and then they sent the goo to the place and I guess they made um little they call them trays and these trays are the shape of your teeth and so then um they uh make they make they put they say hey we're gonna put some buttons on your teeth they call them buttons which sounds adorable I would love to have buttons on my teeth that sounds like the coolest new trend hey did you get your buttons on your teeth oh man I don't do those until spring okay whatever but that's what they said they said all right time to put the buttons on you I'm like yay buttons and so what buttons turn out to be are these little stalactites stalagmite sharp pointy just spikes of enamel on your teeth and maybe not enamel epoxy epoxy is what I was trying to say and so they they put them on certain spots and then they flash this blue light and then the blue light goes in and it makes them hard like super hard you stuck your tooth so then the trays can hold on and adjust your how your uh your your teeth uh but so you had to pop them in you got to pop them out and I don't it's done something cool where I don't eat anymore like I eat once really in a day and I don't like to snack because I have to take them out whenever you eat snacks and then you have to brush your teeth and it's just constant tooth brushing I uh I drink a lot more water than I used to and I don't like to eat a lot of water

Rufus T. Rufus: I was going to say that you do look a little bit blue there, Aloysius J. Peters. For me, I'm extremely self-conscious about how I look. You can understand by the way I dress, by the way I walk, by the way I move, by the way I talk. So this is a big change for me. Maybe I can make it through. It's only 10 weeks, 10 episodes of the Bumper Podcast where you guys are going to… This will be known as the period of the Bumper Podcast where everybody sounded a little bit off. A little bit interesting.

Natty Bumpercar: Well, so, as far as the whole sounding different thing, honestly, I do. I know I do. But if I focus on it, then I can kind of get it better. But I actually have to do mental gymnastics and make my mouth move a little bit differently to sound the way it normally sounds. And it's kind of, there's an imperceptible, like, there's a lisp. There's a little bit of a… A drag on how I speak. And there's a little bit more air in it. I listen to these things. That's how I figure out how to make silly voices. But my wife was like, the first night, she was like, Oh, you don't sound different. You don't sound different at all. And I was like, but I do. I know I do. And I have to, like, shape my mouth differently. Like, these are interesting, weird things that I have to do. And then the next day, I was talking to her on the phone. And she's like, oh, I was watching this show. And there's a comment. A commentator. One of the guys on the show. And he must have had Invisalign. And I was like, wait, why? What do you mean? She was like, well, he sounded like you. And I was just like, but you said yesterday that I don't sound different. And now you said I do. It's all lies. It's a house of lies. So, you know, it's fine. It sounds different. That part, I'm not worried about. The annoyance of the constantly popping mouth. Not constantly. Twice. Twice a day. Like, I ate lunch. I ate lunch. And then maybe I'm going to eat a snack later. That's it. Water. All the time. Because I just don't. They're like, the trays are going to capture the bad stuff. And I'm like, I don't want bad stuff on my teeth. Oh, hey.

Robot: Hey, everybody. It's me, Robot. And I also received I was the fifth member of the Invisalign Club. So, I don't think I sound different at all. Do you?

Natty Bumpercar: Robot, you sound like you're from either the future or space or robot heaven. You sound completely like I listen to a pig and I listen to Rufus and I listen to Doodle Poodle and myself, obviously. We all understand what's going on with our mouths. But you, I feel like there's a lack of self-aware. You sound like a celestial robot being right now. Right. That's how you sound. It sounds like your mouth is full of angel horns. No, no, no. Or something like that.

Robot: No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I was told that I would sound exactly the same. Why, I have a commercial gig coming up very soon. A voiceover commercial gig where I'm in a robot sausage factory and I have to speak to the camera. I can't sound different. I have a contract.

Rufus T. Rufus: Now, did somebody say something about a contract? Because as I said. I have it in writing and it is stamped. It is annotated and it is authorized that we will not sound different. So I suppose I'm going to have to sound it up to somebody and say a few words.

Natty Bumpercar: Rufus, that time you didn't sound anything like yourself whatsoever. I think that the invisible line is messing with everyone. Hey, we made it to 325 episodes.

Doodle Poodle: Woo-hoo. Yeah, we did it. Woo-hoo.

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May 24, 2018
Bumperpodcast #322 – Days Off

Here it is – the new podcast that everyone is talking about. The Bumperpodcast is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp around Headquarters, in Coffee-Can Alley, with Natty Bumpercar and his entire gaggle of pals!

Natty gets a couple of days off – and decides to try to make the most of it. There is a doughnut involved!

You should send us an email to bumperpodcast@nattybumpercar.com, or to call in and leave a message – 646.847.7976. We’re here and we’re listening!

Go like our Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/TheBumperpodcast/)!!

About This Episode

In this episode of Bumperpodcast, host Natty Bumpercar shares stories from his eventful days off that turned into work-from-home days. Between work calls, Natty tackled DIY projects including installing a tow hitch on his Tiguan and re-screening his back door, indulged in delicious treats from his favorite donut shop (featuring a tres leches donut), and enjoyed an Indian buffet. The episode takes a poignant turn when Natty recounts the passing of Glassy the Pleco fish and his son's surprisingly casual reaction, leading to humorous reflections on mortality. After all his productivity, Natty ultimately spent his second day off simply watching TV, embracing the importance of rest and not running out of 'you.'

Memorable Quotes

“If you do too much you run out of you and if you run out of you you what have you got then you've got nothing you've got the zip you've got bupkis.”

— Natty Bumpercar

“I was like laying on a little my little blanket on the ground trying to do this stuff above my head because it wasn't on like a lift rack so it was way up high.”

— Natty Bumpercar

“Buddy, I'm sorry, Glassy didn't make it. Glassy moved on to a different place. And he just shrugged his shoulders.”

— Natty Bumpercar

Topics: #diyprojects #food #work-lifebalance #pets #mortality #homeimprovement #self-care #parenting

Featuring: Natty Bumpercar

Full Transcript

Natty Bumpercar: oh hi bumper podcast it's me natty bumper car and this is my favorite time of the day and i'm hoping that it at least ranks somewhere among your top 10 favorite parts of your day i'm you know i just want to crack the top 10 i'm not saying this is your favorite part of the day because that's way too much pressure for you and it's so much pressure for me i can't just please please please top 10 that's all i'm asking for but for me number one this is number one right up there at the top boom bumper podcast here i am there you are you're looking very nice today did you know that i was gonna be here you look like did you take a shower good for you i haven't i haven't taken a shower i took a couple of days off of work and um i've been i've had these clothes on now for this is my third day so i do need to change because i am going to the office today uh but here's the thing when sometimes when you like I have a job and I took days off and that was supposed to be exciting but you know what I ended up doing on those days off working that's right working so I in essence actually I just worked from home so days off turn into work from home days which is pretty fun except not so much uh but what I would do so I had a lot of end up having meetings I was trying to get some stuff fixed and so I was on a lot of calls um and actually doing some work myself as well um but what I would do is in between each of these things I was I had this huge list of projects and I was like I'm gonna get so much stuff done in these two days and and I had my list and I had checked it twice to find out which of my projects was naughty and which one of my projects was nice uh none of them were nice they were just annoying projects but I would go through my list and I would try to squeeze in a couple of things here and there so that uh you know I could get something done um the first day the first day started off really good my first day was there's a donut place near my house and it's my favorite donut place in the world on the planet and it's called Montclair Bread Montclair Bakery Montclair I think it's Montclair Bread and they have oh the donuts are so good I think I've talked about them before but I haven't talked about them I had a tres leches donut what does that mean three leches what does that mean three milks how does that work I don't know I know one is whipped cream so that's milk and then there's kind of like this sweetened condensed milk like bit to it so that's two milks the third milk I don't know I it's in there I mean it's not it's not dos leches cake no it's tres tres leches it's tres leches cake and you're gonna eat it and you're gonna love it and it's got it's got a cherry on top and it's just donut oh it's so good so that's how my day started right that was actually before I knew that I was gonna have to work for the day so and then after that I don't really remember what I did because I think I had so much sugar in my system that I passed out no I went to the tool store and I got some tool stuff so that I could do my tool project and then I came home and I did my first project my first was I put a a tow hitch it's called a tow hitch on the back of my Tiguan my little car and so I had to actually I watched the YouTube video like a hundred times for this because I was getting very much more nervous every single time I had to take a utility knife and cut into the bottom of my bumper there was a pre scored square rectangle there that like from the manufacturer from Volkswagen so I had to take a utility knife and cut into the bottom of my bumper there was a pre scored square rectangle there that like from the manufacturer from Volkswagen but i had to actually cut through it it was so scary i was afraid i was like i'm ruining my car i'm cutting into my car i'm destroying my poor car but i got that off and then i put the the tow hitch in and there were four bolts and i was like laying on a little my little blanket on the ground trying to do this stuff above my head because it wasn't on like a uh like in the video they're like they had the car in a lift rack so it was way up high so that it was easier for them to do these things but me uh i i didn't get i didn't get that i was on the ground so that's fine i got it done got it all in there and um i was very excited it's very cool it actually looks nice and it looks right and it looks like it's like i didn't do it then i found out i had to do some work so i got on a call after that call i what did i do oh i did i went to uh i went on my second project and my second project was i had to re-screen the back door my back storm door and so that was pretty cool because like i had to watch another video and learn how to do more like doodad thing and um there's like this thing called a spline which is like a cord that goes around this little channel on the screen door she had to pull the spline out and then pull the old um screen out and then clean it all up really nice and put the new screen on and then uh get it cut into the corners and put the new spline in with a spline roller it's called i had to do all this stuff and uh my mother-in-law she was like why not just take that screen to the screen place and have them re-screen it and i was like because i'm learning a cool new skill and instead of it being you know like a 50 project for them to do it or maybe more i don't know it's and now it's a 15 project so i feel like i won in that one at least and then i had i'm trying to think what else i had um i did some other projects i don't know i oh oh oh oh after i did the second project i went and i had i went to an indian buffet and it was so good and i ate so much food so part of my day off was like i'm gonna eat some good food so i had my donut and then i had indian buffet indian buffet, all you can eat it was ten dollars and fifty bucks it's 20 bucks only, 10 dollars and 15 cents $10.50, $10.47 if I'm to be exact, and you know I am. I had two plates of food. And so what I did, the first plate, I went around and I had little tastes of everything. Little tastes, little tastes, little tastes, little tastes, little tastes, right? Oh God, it was so good. And my mouth was actually watering from it. And they gave me a little basket of naan, which is this kind of bread. And then on my second plate back, what you do is like, you're like, all right, I sampled everything. Now I'm going all in on the things that I really like. But there was some chicken, well, there's some tikka masala, which I put on some biryani rice. And then I had some tandoori chicken. Oh, it was so much chicken goodness. And then some, what else was it? I don't know, man. There was so much, there was just a lot of food. Let me just be clear with you that a lot of food was eaten. And then I went back and I had like this tiny little bowl of this rice stuff that was vanilla-y and yummy and just amazing. And then I came home and then I did another project. My brain is not telling me what that other project was, so it must not have been that important. And then I got everything kind of, the house kind of cleaned, did a little bit more work. And then that night, after I got everything good, I went and I saw the Avengers movie, which was a big movie, a big crazy movie, a big what, what in the what, what, what, what, what, what, what in the what movie. So that was my night. And then I came home that night, and guys, it was a little bit sad. Glassy, our Pleco, our Fish, the fish who keeps everything clean, he moved on to another fish world. He said, I can't take this anymore. I'm not gonna be in here with these snails and this shrimp. And then he died. And the sad thing is, is I feel like I might be responsible, because he was a big hardy fish he was like i was like this fish is good look at this fish i think that the snails might have eaten whatever he used to be eaten is my is my thinking so and which makes me feel like a horrible fish parent um but we you know what you move on you move on you move on and so when i had to get him out of the tank at the little fish net and everything and it was like 12 30 at night and so it was late i was kind of tired and uh one of the kids has this little robot dog this little very frustrating robot dog and i guess he was on the kitchen table which is where the fish tank is and my motion of getting the fish out was enough that uh and it's you know it's quiet in the house because it's so late i'm focused on getting the fish out i don't want to disturb any of the other fish and i'm i'm contemplating uh death because of the fish and then this is this robot dog just goes and i like flung the fish the fish just ah i threw everything because i didn't i thought i was being attacked by an adorable robot dog uh thankfully though i was not being attacked so but it took the kids uh two days two days to figure out that the biggest most giant fish uh was no longer in the tank and by the kids i mean only one of them he was going around he was doing like an inventory he was like oh there's snail there's that fish the shrimp is the shrimp gone I was like no the shrimp is right here he's not moving it's like no his little his little antenna are moving he's fine okay there's another fit wait dad where's that other fit where's the where's where's glassy and I had to break it down I was like buddy buddy buddy buddy I'm sorry glassy didn't glassy didn't make it you know glassy moved on to a different place glassy's no longer with us and he I was that I kind of I was just like does that make you sad does he was just like man he shrugged his shoulders so all right you know our dog is 15 at this point at some point he's probably gonna go to a farm or dog college or wherever dogs go and I'm wondering if it's gonna be a similar reaction and then I'm wondering if it's gonna be a similar reaction and then I'm wondering after that at some point in life I might die I don't know I hope not but as I from my understanding it it's it's it's an inevitability and is it gonna be the same reaction oh where's dad he's I see Ollie is he mommy I see the snails I see the oh he's did he die and shrug his shoulders yeah oh it's not a natural reaction it's a weird reaction anyway ah what are you gonna do so then you know reaction anyway ah what are you gonna do so then you know gonna do so then you know really hot here yesterday it was it was tanVI tanVI 92 degrees which is warm for it's spring we kind of skipped spring went straight to summer and i uh i got the list out and i started looking at it and i was just like i uh i think today i'm going to uh watch tv and that's what i did i just watched i watched tv from the beginning of the day until the end of the day i got nothing done but i felt fine about it i felt great about it and and because you know what i do too much and if you do too much you run out of you and if you run out of you you what have you got then you've got nothing you've got the zip you've got you've got but but bupkis what's bupkis what's a bupkis i don't know but i know what you are you're the bumper podcast kateers and i know what i am i am natty bumper car and i know what this is this is a bumper podcast and again this is my favorite time of the day i hope it's your favorite time of the day you go and make all that magic happen why don't you make

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May 4, 2018
Bumperpodcast #321 – Establishment

Here it is – the new podcast that everyone is talking about. The Bumperpodcast is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp around Headquarters, in Coffee-Can Alley, with Natty Bumpercar and his entire gaggle of pals!

Natty is thrilled to tell you all about the show where he got to perform for a hundred people for over an hour. But, Producer, Pig, and Rufus T. Rufus have other ideas…. Enjoy the thrills!

You should send us an email to bumperpodcast@nattybumpercar.com, or to call in and leave a message – 646.847.7976. We’re here and we’re listening!

Go like our Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/TheBumperpodcast/)!!

About This Episode

In this episode of Bumperpodcast, Natty Bumpercar excitedly recounts his recent stand-up comedy performance for about 100 people, where he performed for 45 minutes to an hour. Before the show, Natty experiences an uncanny "Dairy Queen intuition" and grabs a Blizzard for dinner. His comedy set features improvised material about the quirky town, including bird houses in the middle of a lake, confusing ice warning signs in April, and a wizard-like house with a giant gargoyle. Producer the frog keeps interrupting to announce his new ice cream establishment, while lawyer Rufus T. Rufus threatens legal action over unauthorized business name mentions. Despite the chaos and not getting through his entire set list, Natty expresses his joy at performing and his desire to do more shows like this one.

Memorable Quotes

“what kind of diet are you on uh me i'm on an off-putting diet that means i i can't eat no pudding”

— Aloysious J. Pig

“my stomach just out of nowhere it kind of raised its hand and it was like i feel like there's a dairy queen around here and i was like really stomach”

— Natty Bumpercar

“i'm going to ask you natty not to keep repeating the name of this ice cream establishment because they have not paid a fee”

— Rufus T. Rufus

Topics: #stand-upcomedy #icecream #performance #spring #smalltowns #improvisation #dairyqueen

Featuring: Producer, Aloysious J. Pig, Natty Bumpercar, Rufus T. Rufus

Full Transcript

Producer: oh hello it's me producer and i'm here to give you a taste of a podcast today so

Aloysious J. Pig: what are you doing producer oh you can't no you're not talking on the microphone yeah you stop stop talking on the microphone all right you go okay perfect thank you okay

Producer: it's been me producer and i'm going to go back behind the board food today okay okay thank you

Aloysious J. Pig: uh wow sorry about that everybody that was really off-putting off-putting hey what kind of your what kind of diet are you on uh me i'm on an off-putting diet that means i i can't eat no pudding uh again i apologize for that uh that was producer he's a little frog normally he ain't gonna come and talk on the microphone because it freaks people out it scares people his voice again it's off-putting his voice it doesn't eat pudding okay so it's spring around here i saw a bird i saw a bird and it was all like twiddly twit twit twit twit twit twit twit and then it coughed like that because it's been such a long winter and i guess it had a little

Natty Bumpercar: thanks i was i was struggling here yeah you were talking about so yeah it is almost spring around here we have nice spring showers we have nice spring weather and it's the sun comes out and sometimes there's no clouds but right now there are clouds and that's fine though but because you know what you know those clouds don't have in them they don't have snow finally no snow producer

Aloysious J. Pig: was in here earlier he was yeah what was he doing he was talking on a microphone come on producer what are you doing that's what i said i was just like brow you know you're more behind the scenes kind of a kind of a dude right you're not like me aloysius j pig soon to be on all the billboards soon to be on all the bumper stickers soon to be on all the postcards and all the push pins and all the button tops and all the flip flops here we go okay yeah i mean good point

Natty Bumpercar: yeah what you were doing i i enjoyed it if i'm to be honest that was a good song that you just came up with uh so yeah uh pig world famous producer awesome awesome guy uh but yeah yeah we don't yeah you know he can do periscope whenever he wants to uh but not the bumper podcast so hey everyone it's me natty bumper car natty bumper car natty bumper car n-a-t-t-y-b-u-m percar n-a-t-t-y-b-u-m percar natty bumper car that's me and um i'm here to talk to you about an amazing show i just did i'm so excited about i i got to perform stand-up comedy tell jokes for about a hundred people about a hundred people they were expecting 40 they got about a hundred that's more than double that's more than duble duble duble duble plus that's duble duble plus and then uh i i got there with the expectation of doing between 45 minutes and an hour that's 45 minutes to 60 minutes of me talking now you guys get to listen to roughly 12 minutes of me talking every week here on the bumper podcast those people got to listen to me talk for 45 minutes to an hour and i found the woman who uh who was organizing it i drove i drove about 45 minutes to some town that was in the middle of the city and i was like oh my god i'm gonna be like oh my god i'm gonna be i don't even remember what it was called at this point oh it's called height high highs heights i don't know i don't know i don't know it's not important story but i got down there and uh 45 minutes and when i got to town it was the weirdest thing my stomach just out of nowhere it kind of raised its hand and it was like i feel like there's a dairy queen around here and i was like really stomach this is something that really happened where my my i had dairy queen intuition if you don't know what dairy queen is it's uh an ice cream place they have like soft serve and they have blizzards and they have all kinds of yummy stuff dilly bars hello i see you uh and so i i i said to my stomach all right well let me check and i pulled out my little phone and i got the map out and i clicky clack it in there bam there it is a dairy queen four minutes away four minutes my brain my brain and my stomach just knew that this was a town this was an area that was going to have a

Rufus T. Rufus: dairy queen and and it was correct excuse me this is me rufus t rufus always on time and always with a rhyme you know i like to introduce myself not for y'all bumper bygasses but just in case anyone wants to look me up to the whole world procure my services for whatever kind of thing ails you in a lawyer kind of fashion in a manager kind of fashion if you want to know what i'm saying so i'm going to ask you natty not to keep repeating the name of this ice cream establishment because they have not paid a fee they have not paid a fare they have not paid nothing to me another rhyme put it on the board okay put it on that clickety clack and there we go so moving on okay i would ask that you simply refer to businesses and establishments by general terms such as i went to an ice cream parlor and done i went to a dog groomer you understand what i'm saying i had some grits at the restaurant no one needs to know the name of it my friend my friend my friend i want to go back on and do my thing it's time to shine it's time to sing so i'm going to say to y'all

Natty Bumpercar: okay thanks rufus t rufus so evidently moving forward i'm not allowed to say the name of businesses because they haven't given me money that's crazy i'll i mean yes no he's he's pointing at me so yes yes i totally agree with everything you just said so i drove over to the ice cream establishment and uh i actually had some time so i took a nap and i'm going to say to y'all and then i got up and i had a delicious ice cream treat a blizzard i had a blizzard with m&ms in it it was amazing and then i went to the show and uh i got there at like oh i got there at like 7 45 and i thought that the dinner was going to start at 8 but the dinner didn't even start until well no what's happening i went on at like 9 0 5 so i had so much fun i had so much fun i had so much time just and i wandered around the town and it was it was so great because i haven't done an hour in a long time and um that's a long time to talk to people when you're in a room and to keep their uh their their attention and to keep them laughing and having a good time and so i wanted to kind of settle my brain probably because i had ice cream for dinner too and um so i wandered around the town and i found all kinds of funny stuff that i was just like oh i'm gonna talk about this oh i'm gonna talk about that oh i'm gonna talk about this and so for the first 25 minutes or so maybe longer i just made fun of their not made fun of but i i brought attention to silly things in their town like there were these there are these bird feeders bird houses and they were in the middle of a lake right so you look at them and they were like out there and i was like why are there bird houses and they're like on poles in the middle of uh of a lake and i was like who is this like a challenge to the birds you're like hey bird you better get in this house because if you don't there's no ground beneath it and they were like this guy's funny and then there was a sign there was a in front of that same lake that said um caution ice too thin to skate and i was just like there's no ice it's april and i told him i went i got my skates and i tried to dip them into the pond and they went right in and they were just like this guy's he's talking about our town there's signs in our town uh i was i was a lot of was about the lake but i was walking around the lake and um what else was there there was a bat house and i so it was i was talking about the bat house and then i i had there was a big cool house it was like had all this uh stained glass and it looked like a wizard lived there and i looked up and there was a giant bronze or copper gargoyle on top of it like huge and and i was like you guys what's going on with that house and they were like he knows about that crazy house so but uh it was it was it was pretty fun and they had fun and i had fun and now i want to do it again and again

Producer: and again and again and again and again and again and again and again i'm so sorry to reintroduce myself hello everyone it's me producer and i just wanted to i remembered why i had come in here earlier it was because i wanted to tell you that i have actually opened my very own ice cream establishment and i would like for you all to come down now no i won't stop talking stop talking never stop you have to stop talking because don't you say something that i like happening

Aloysious J. Pig: don't you say um so anyway sorry about that producer evidently has an ice cream place i didn't even realize that

Natty Bumpercar: when i was talking about the ice cream place that i went to a year back yeah well of course i came

Rufus T. Rufus: back because i thought that we had a thoroughly established that it was no one uh getting the cold and Mommy i don't care and i don't know you said the right wordra the ice cream place the ice cream place the ice cream place was awesome this is a challenge it's a it Economists breathe it's nothing YO tell you i have got to say so that is not gonna be a pleasant day okay producer i would say that

Natty Bumpercar: you should probably run if you can or hop do whatever you got to do but i would get away from the situation as quickly as you can because he's serious whenever he goes to get his um briefcase it's gonna take him a while to go all the way out to his car and come back but i'm saying you should not be here and if he leaves any envelopes for you just avoid them don't don't don't touch them don't pick them up just avoid them um and anyway back to my story because i feel like that was supposed to be the whole focus of the episode because it's a bumper podcast it's not the producer is opening a frog ice cream podcast it's not rufus t rufus jumping down my throat because i was trying to talk about the things it's about me telling you that i had a lot of fun and i want to do bigger and better shows like that and the thing is i got to the end of it when i looked at i made a list i had eight jokes i didn't even get to and i was like how in that much time did i not get to it because i was playing around i was having fun i was making best friends but not best friends like you because you guys are the bumper podcast and i love you to pieces because you know what

Unknown: you

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April 27, 2018