Join the uproarious fun in Coffee-Can Alley with the Bumperpodcast, the top-rated improvised comedy podcast that keeps listeners in stitches. In this laugh-out-loud episode, A bunch of random people sneak into the studio and record a whole bunch of nothing. As the gang navigates this confusing and comical conundrum, their quick wit and dynamic interactions deliver endless entertainment.
Listeners are in for a treat as the characters dive into absurd scenarios, blending the sweet and the surgical in ways only the Bumperpodcast can. The episode promises a delightful mix of spontaneity and humor, showcasing the unique charm and chemistry of Coffee-Can Alley’s most beloved residents. Tune in to this side-splitting episode and join the fun as Natty and the crew bring their trademark humor to the most unexpected topics. Don’t miss out on the comedy gold—hit play and enjoy the Bumperpodcast!
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Transcription
Natty Bumpercar 0:00
I’m so strange, so strange. So strange yesterday, I kind of died a little bit, which is I know a strange way to start a podcast, especially the bumper podcast, by the way. Hello, everyone. This is Natty Bumpercar. And this is the bumper podcast, your weekly jump into fun, Ray. And so let’s start it off with with that yesterday. Well, first of all, so I don’t know where anyone is here at the bumper podcast. I haven’t seen pig. I haven’t seen Rufus. I haven’t seen producer and doodle poodle, anybody for weeks. And I come in, and I just kind of click on record and it seems to be working. I mean, the thing is, Do I even need producer? I don’t know, I honestly don’t know. But that is not the question for today. To question for today is what in the world happened yesterday? What in the world? Well, I got up. And I took one of the kids to school. And then I came home back to headquarters here. And I had a little sip of water because water is good for you in the morning. And then the one of the other one of the kids had left, like a little glass of orange juice on the table, and not very much at all. But I was like, oh, I’ll just finish that. Because as a parent, I’m a vulture, and I just go and I finish off whatever the food is, it’s left around. And then I went upstairs and I was gonna go back to bed because I was tired. And it was Monday. And on Mondays. Sometimes I pass out because the weekends are so much fun. That’s what it is. I’m so tired from all the fun that weekends are. I used to love weekends growing up. I remember man, I’d be like, Oh, I can’t wait for the weekend. Everybody’s everybody’s working for the weekend. Here we go. It’s Saturday morning. Whoo. I’m gonna sleep in and then I’m gonna do fun stuff. And now it’s just like, oh, no, no, as a parent, the weekends got in the way it gets here. Oh, no. And then Monday comes in. I’m tired. But so I got into bed. And my hands were weirdly itchy. Like, I was like, What is going on hands? Why are you so itchy. And they were kind of dry. And so I was like, alright, I’ll just go, you know, like, put some lotion on him. And that’ll that’ll fix that. And then I started to feel and this was happening pretty rapidly. My my lip was feeling kind of weird. And it’s like, All right, well, let’s go check it see. And so I went to the bathroom, and I was I was looking for the lotion, and then I shut the mirror. That’s where it is. And I saw my face. And my lip was gigantic, and purple. And my eyes like were swollen almost to being shut and they were bright red. And then not only was the rest of my face, very swollen. But I noticed that my tongue swollen, my throat swollen and the breathing. The breathing was not good. And so I I grabbed my rescue inhaler, and I did the did that. Just hopefully I was like alright, this will open up my airways. And then I was just like, alright, calmly, calmly. Let’s find the shoes. Let’s make sure we have all the stuff the wallet, the phone, the keys are right. Where’s the jacket? Perfect. Let’s go downstairs. Let’s get to the car. Let’s go to the closest urgent care and I was doing this all as the everything was getting much worse. Like the breathing was just like and the like the tongue it was. I don’t I don’t like tongues. I don’t like to talk about tongues. I think they’re weird and kind of gross. But the tongue was a lot. It was a lot more than it’s supposed to be. And I also I couldn’t talk and so really just around the corner not I would say maybe is three quarters of a mile away from the house is is an urgent care. There’s one that’s closer, which is a CVS, but I looked on the thing and they were not open yet. And so I went to the other one. And at a light, there’s two lights in between my house in this place. So at the second light, it was red light. And so I texted my wife and I was just like, Hi, I’m having an allergic reaction. We’re going to urgent care, period. That’s all I saw at time, then the light turned her send light green, off, we go to the urgent care, get to the urgent care Park can’t breathe, like really can’t breathe, stumble into the place, lumbar into the place. There’s no one there. And I look around. And I guess they heard me come in. And so a woman came, you know, behind the desk, and her eyes got enormous. And she said, can I please have your ID? And I was just like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, because it couldn’t talk. I couldn’t speak at all like, rules. No, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, is how I sounded. But worse than that. And then the woman who there’s another woman who kind of looked in and she was like, get him back here now. And they got me back there sat me in the chair and started taking doing my blood. What is the oxygen levels and the thing around my arm to check my blood pressure, and all these things? And it was great. But they were running around like chickens. They were just running around in circles, like, what do we do? What do we do? It’s Monday morning. This is the first guy that comes in what? It’s not a good way to start a week called labor ambulance call the man ambulance quickly. And so the ambulance comes, but it took them about, I want to say eight minutes. I don’t know pretty sure it could have died that eight minutes. And so they get there. And they’re like, should we do an EpiPen? Do we need to do what have you been? And they’re like, get them on the stretcher. It was all very like, but do this. Gotta do this, get into that. And I, they got me on the stretcher. And they were asking all these questions. And they asked me to write down my phone number because I couldn’t say it. And I wrote mine. And then I wrote my wife’s number. And then I said, I was trying to say hold on do you want me to call my wife but they couldn’t understand it because it came out like this rah rah, love, love. And so I took my phone, they were like, We don’t know what you’re saying. So I took my phone and I pressed the you know, I was like call wife. And then I handed them the phone. And then she got a call from a police officer. And you know, when you get that call, it’s scary. And so she you know, I was talking to him about the situation what was going on? Should she come back? And I was like, No, I got this, you know, and then I get whisked to the ambulance. And they put an IV in me and then it’s Benadryl. And then things start to come down a little bit. They were debating whether to do the epi pen or not. And epi pen is like, the guy was telling me about it. And I wish you wouldn’t have it’s a it’s a tube with a giant needle, he said, giant needle that they jam into your leg and then, you know, like, whatever. And it’s what they do. When I guess you’re going into anaphylaxis, which is not good thing. So they, they were going to wait until we got to the emergency room because they were kind of monitoring everything. And I was I still somehow was getting oxygen. Even though I the breathing was just like wow, right, very rapid. And we got to the emergency room on the thing, and then they get me in there and then they start pumping me full of all kinds of other stuff. And you know, I was plugged in, I’ve got tubes, I’ve got things in my fingers things. There was this a lot. And I ended up being at the hospital for like 10 hours. And because they it was it wouldn’t the swelling wouldn’t go down. Like it was very slow, like, my face would get a little bit better. And I realized that about like, three o’clock that I hadn’t eaten anything since pretty much five o’clock the last day and I was just like and they’re like, What, and that’s because everybody was like What What are you saying what? I’m sure. And they were like, oh food. We have two two sandwiches. I was like, oh, not and they gay and then I just like everyone, Apple car or, or yoga. And they’re like, ah, applesauce, we can give you applesauce and I was like oh Huh.
And I’m texting, you know, people updates. This is what’s happening. This is where I am, this is what’s going on yada, yada. I’ll give you updates as I have them. Yeah, and one of the annoying things was I couldn’t go to the bathroom because of these things tied into me. But eventually I was I was like, I was like, the bathroom. And they were like, okay, hold on, well, unclick you unclick I click, I click. And she’s like, okay, it’s doors right down there. And, and I started walking out of the room. They asked me if I could and I said yes. And I got like two feet out of the room, they had forgotten to unplug, like, some major thing. And it knocked me back. And it almost, and the equipment, like almost fell over. And like, so everyone in the emergency room was like, gasp it says everything. Okay? And I was just like, they were like, Oh, we’re sorry. And then I, you know, I use bathroom. And then like, a couple hours later, things were down enough. My face was okay. And they were like, Okay, you seem good. Okay, called the wife. She and the kids came and got me. And I Yeah, you know, it’s better. Now I was given all kinds of medicine, I’m going to see an allergist, see what happened. And because it was very random, and the only thing that we could figure out was it was this orange juice, because that was all I had. And we were looking at the bottle and it was orange juice that had calcium in it. And then I started researching, and it seems like calcium citrate or calcium phosphate, or some of the things that they put into the orange juice that I maybe had a bad reaction to. And so it was a pretty fun day, pretty much everyone thought that I was going to be dead or die or whatever. And my main fear was that they were going to intubate me. So put like a tube in my throat so that I could breathe, because then my fear was, well what is my voice sound like? Like, how is this going to impact how my voice sounds which I use my voice for a lot of things, talking being one of them, but now it’s all fixed except for the cleanup and the tears.
Outro 12:42
The bumper podcast is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp with Natty Bumpercar and some of his pals. It is family friendly, clean and ridiculous. Thanks a bundle for listening. If you love our show, and you’d like to help support the podcast, check out our Patreon page at https colon forward slash forward slash www.patreon.com forward slash Natty Bumpercar also pretty please subscribe wherever you get your podcasts, share it with everyone everywhere. post about it on all of the social medias or leave a rating and review. The bumper podcast is produced at headquarters in coffee Ken alley. It’s recorded mixed and produced by producer. The bumper podcast features contributions from Aloysius jpg Rufus T Rufus doodle poodle, robot trunks and a gaggle of other silly rascals. Our head talker is probably Natty Bumpercar. We also have an absurd newsletter. Check it out and subscribe at Natty bumpercar.com/subscribe Also, you can follow me on Instagram and Twitter at Natty Bumpercar Hugs and hearts See you soon.
NonPro 14:01
This has been a non productive media presentation, executive producer Franco Blaue. This program and many others like it on the nonproductive network is distributed under a Creative Commons Attribution non commercial no derivatives license. Please share it but ask before trying to change it or sell it. For more information visit non dash productive.com
About This Episode
In episode #444 of the Bumperpodcast, chaos erupts when Natty Bumpercar and his friends apparently break into the studio and start recording without permission. Security guard Rufus T. Rufus (nicknamed "Lighthouse") discovers them mid-recording and demands to know who they are and why they're there. What follows is a hilariously circular conversation involving Doodle Poodle, Aloysius J. Pig, and Natty as they try to explain themselves while simultaneously getting distracted by grammatical debates, the origin of nicknames, and whether certain words are appropriate to use. The episode showcases the show's signature improvisational style as the characters talk in circles, interrupt each other, and turn a simple confrontation into a absurdist comedy of miscommunication.
Memorable Quotes
“I'm also not sure why you decided to hit record and start recording, however, this is the studio inside of Hellfire Headquarters inside of Coffee Can Alley, where Natty Bumpercar lives and records the Bumper Podcast. So, again, I ask you, why are you here?”
— Rufus T. Rufus
“I've never had a nickname growing up, you know. I always wanted one, but I kind of knew that you can't just, like, give yourself a nickname. You, people have to give it to you.”
— Rufus T. Rufus
“The reason we call you Lighthouse is cause you're big and tall, right? And you're always flashing your flashlight all around… And we know that if we see Lighthouse that we're like a safe harbor.”
— Natty Bumpercar
Topics: #miscommunication #nicknames #security #studiointrusion #grammar #improvisation #confusion
Featuring: Natty Bumpercar, Doodle Poodle, Rufus T. Rufus, Aloysius J. Pig, Producer
Full Transcript
Natty Bumpercar: so here's the the thing here's the the thing here's the thing that i've been wanting to talk about for a long time why don't you just get on in there and talk about it then because it seems like it's your chance to talk about it so why don't you just get on in there and just start talking about it if you want to talk about it well if you insist i guess i will talk about it because to me it's been something i've been thinking about for my long time and this is something i just want to get off my mind and off of my chest and off my ass because i just been caring about for so long yes exactly here's the thing everybody out here is looking to you now to drive this episode you see you're the first one who talked and so you've laid the groundwork as it were for the whole episode so whatever it is that you want to say please get on what we're supposed to talk about what we're not supposed to talk about it's just like it just appeared it came in here stop telling us what to do but i don't know what you're supposed to do either so i'm not going to tell you what you're supposed to do listen here my clitter clatter little friend i'm the one who's in here to give it a little bit of structure a little bit of control so are you in or are you out are you with me or are you again me
Doodle Poodle: no i'm not so sure exactly if i'm would You mean again, again, you, over you, or to you, or from, from, from, from, from, from, from to you, or either or, or either and, or, please don't get mad at us, we're just trying to figure this whole thing out.
Natty Bumpercar: So, neither, neither, nor, we, I don't tell you the truth, I don't remember what I was wanting to talk about, you know, with everything, and so if that screws everything up, I don't feel like I should be the one having to take responsibility for everything, because I don't, you know, I just sat down here and started talking, you know, all y'all been talking about. You're more than me, so am I the one who all of a sudden has to take control of this?
Rufus T. Rufus: Now, I'm the one who's going to actually be taking control of this, um, I'm not sure how you got into the studio, I'm also not sure why you decided to hit record and start recording, however, this is the studio inside of Hellfire. Headquarters inside of Coffee Can Alley, where Natty Bumpercar lives and records the Bumper Podcast. So, again, I ask you, why are you here?
Natty Bumpercar: Well, now, I don't feel like I need to answer to you, because I don't even know who you are, but this is, we came into this room on an internet… …computation, and I was just going to sit and sit, come in here and do your thing, and so we came in, we pushed play and record, and then we started doing our thing, but, you know, I don't, we don't really have a thing as a problem, and so we just kind of jibber-jabbered a little bit, and I don't, you know, I just don't know what's going on. Speak for yourself, sir, I came in here with a plan, an absolute plan, and I know exactly how to achieve… …my plan, and I know exactly what I will be doing each step incrementally, moving my plan forward, if not for this giant oaf, my plan probably would have already begun.
Rufus T. Rufus: All right, sir, I don't know who you're calling an oaf.
Natty Bumpercar: Yes, I was, I was speaking about you, Egg, when I, uh…
Rufus T. Rufus: Okay, I kind of figured that you were talking about… …me, because you seem to know everyone else in the room, and you did look at me when you said it, but I wasn't a hundred percent sure, and, um, just, you know, I am a tall guy, like, I, you know, I'm large, but that's why I'm running security here, and just, just because I'm big doesn't mean that I'm thick-skinned, or invulnerable to insults, all right, I'm just a person here doing my job, and, you know, I walk into a room… room there's people in there that i've never seen and and and i feel like i'm just being uh objectified and mocked and i'm just trying to put food on the table for my family and and and i i did not come here to be treated like that well i didn't come in here to see nobody like that either
Natty Bumpercar: because i didn't want nobody to feel bad i was just following along here with all these friends of mine we just came in here and we just wanted to hear of course we wanted to do some recording to just make a podcast so i apologize myself because you're just a family man you're just coming in here you're just trying your hardest you don't know us we don't know you you don't know how we got in here and so i understand completely when you're like who are you you know so i'm just okay with that okay i hope you're okay now too and i hope i'm okay because i don't want any scuffles and duffles and ruffles boys boys boys oh and who exactly are you
Rufus T. Rufus: yeah i'm the security guard i i saw the light was on and so i came to investigate and then i don't the all these people were here and recording and you know messing with the equipment and uh who exactly are are you is should be my question because i'm uh you know theoretically in charge,eno
Aloysius J. Pig: okay well i'm do you have a name first off
Rufus T. Rufus: Pretty sure that i don't have to give you any of my information as i'm the one who works here and you're with these people who have broken in to the studio
Aloysius J. Pig: Now now now Ha I don't want to start throwing around words like broke into the studio.
Natty Bumpercar: Now, my English is not as perfect as everyone else's in here. However, when you say throw around a word like I thought it was just going to be break-in or something, but you used the entire sentence. Is that something that is allowed grammatically? If I'm saying if you're going to throw around words like robbery, burglary, what you understand, cheese or whatever, those are words that can be thrown around. But if we're going to come in here and say, oh, this entire cohort of people has come in and are going to be rummaging through the waste bin and probably having some sort of a silly party and using all of the equipment. It's because they got locked out of their, I don't, you know, I just, it's, I just need a clarification on that if you could.
Aloysius J. Pig: Oh, I can. So here's the thing. You're being, um, what's the word? Pedantic. And that's where you're just kind of focusing in and honing in on the wrong parts of what I'm saying. Which is strange. Which is strange. Because we're supposed to be on the same side. So why would you decide to take time out of my conversation with this gorilla of a gentleman and try to pick apart what I'm, I'm trying to say? I just, in my mind, I just don't understand. If you get my drift.
Natty Bumpercar: Well, I understand what you're saying and what you're putting down. And so I agree with you. And, you know, I'm, I'm thinking, uh, these old things, there's just so much understanding. And I'm just going to scoot on out of here and just, you know, go back to where I went from whence I came. So, uh, it was wonderful seeing everybody. I'm glad I got to talk to everybody. And, uh. Um, uh, hi there, everybody. Hey, Lighthouse, I got your message. What's going on? What's your situation? Who are all these people? This is very strange. You called him Lighthouse, as if that's his name.
Rufus T. Rufus: Well, it's more of a nickname. I don't know where it came from. I don't know why they started calling me Lighthouse. But, you know, I just kind of sounded cool. And so I just kind of ran with it. I've never had a nickname growing up, you know. I always wanted one, but I kind of knew that you can't just, like, give yourself a nickname. You, people have to give it to you. Um, problem being, I guess, if it's a, if it's a cool, nice nickname, well, then good for you, right? But if it's kind of not a nice, kind of a mean, uh, nickname, then how do you get rid of it then, you know? Because you can't just walk around and say, like, oh, hey, don't call me that. Because then they're just going to call you that even more. It's just, uh. Guys. It's just. It's just, society is difficult. Can we agree on that? Can we all come together and just agree on that one thing?
Natty Bumpercar: Bro, how long have you been waiting to get that out? Um, yeah, let's, let's all agree to come together. Okay. Um, the reason we call you Lighthouse is, is cause you're big and tall, right? And you're always, you're flashing your flashlight all around, right? Like a, like a, like a lighthouse. Cause you're looking around, I guess. And, um. And you, you, you, we, we know that if we see Lighthouse that we're like a safe harbor, right? We're in a safe space that you, you know, you're going to be there and around to, uh, protect us and everything. So it's, it's a term of infect, of infect. I didn't say, it's not a term of infection. It's a term of affection, uh, that we call, we call you Lighthouse, you know? So just, I hope you don't mind it. I hope you like it, uh, regardless. Yeah. As you just said. You're kind of stuck with it. So just keep rolling. Anyway, back to the matter at hand. Who in the heck are all of these people in here? Well, I'm pretty sure you can't just go around screaming by. You can't say that. I don't think you can say it. Can he say all of these?
Aloysius J. Pig: I don't, I'm just gonna, I don't know. No, actually, I do not feel like it is appropriate. I do not feel it is nice. It is an old term for people from the hills of like the Appalachian Mountains. And I don't think that you can just walk around and start saying that about people.
Natty Bumpercar: Actually. That's rude. Well, it's, it's, I understand where you're coming from, but you might not know this, that the word actually is Scotch. He's a Scottish in origin. Wait, are you supposed to be Scottish?
Producer: The Bumper Podcast is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp with Natty Bumpercar and some of his pals. It is family friendly, clean, and ridiculous. Thanks a bundle for listening. If you love our show and you'd like to help support the podcast, check out our Patreon page at https colon forward slash forward slash www.patreon.com forward slash Natty Bumpercar. Also, pretty please subscribe wherever you get your podcasts, share it with everyone everywhere, post about it on all of the social medias, or leave a rating and review. The Bumper Podcast is produced at headquarters in Coffee Can Alley. It's recorded, mixed, and produced by a producer. The Bumper Podcast features contributions from Aloysius J. Pig, Rufus T. Rufus, Doodle Poodle, Robot, Trunks, and a gaggle of other silly rascals. Our head talker is probably Natty Bumpercar. We also have an absurd newsletter. Check it out and subscribe at nattybumpercar.com slash subscribe. Also, you can follow me on Instagram and Twitter at Natty Bumpercar. Hugs and hearts. See you soon. . . .
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