Tag: Funny

  • Bumperpodcast #313 – Shellfish Blues

    Bumperpodcast #313 – Shellfish Blues

    Here it is – the new podcast that everyone is talking about. The Bumperpodcast is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp around Headquarters, in Coffee-Can Alley, with Natty Bumpercar and his entire gaggle of pals! 

    Rufus is in the house with Doodle Poodle talking about litigation, and courtroom illustrations – when all of a sudden, out of nowhere, there are tears. We also get to rip the wrapping paper off of our new sponsor, and deliver an ad for an app called ‘Picniic’ on today’s episode of the Bumperpodcast!

    Picniic is a nifty organization app for families who have way too much going on. I started playing with it last week, and was immediately shocked at how many times I have triple-booked myself over the next two months. 

    To check it out, yourself, go to picniic.com/getstarted to set up your account and use promo code: PODPIC for 30 days of Picniic Premium free! (Repeat with emphasis on URL and promo code and SPELL P-I-C-N-I-I-C)

    Send us an email to bumperpodcast@nattybumpercar.com.

    Don’t forget to call in and leave a message – 646.847.7976.

     

    Go like our Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/TheBumperpodcast/)!!

     

    About This Episode

    In this chaotic episode of Bumperpodcast, Rufus T. Rufus and Doodle Poodle attempt to take over the studio for a courtroom drama special, but host Natty Bumpercar intervenes. What starts as a dispute over studio usage policies quickly devolves into an emotional confession when Rufus reveals he's having a terrible day. The lawyer puppet shares his unfortunate restaurant mishap involving confused weekdays, stuffed mushrooms, and a dangerous encounter with Tuesday's crab fritters that resulted in losing his beloved hat. Meanwhile, Doodle Poodle offers his artistic comfort, and the crew debates the merits of various shellfish before Aloysious J. Pig bursts in to reclaim his scheduled time slot.

    Memorable Quotes

    “I saw the T, and I saw the U. You know Thursday's got a U in it as well. And then the day. I saw T, and I saw U, and day. And, you know, they ain't got no stuffed mushrooms in the restaurant on Tuesday.”

    — Rufus T. Rufus

    “Escargot, escar-no, that's been a high set. None of it. Just keep it away from me.”

    — Natty Bumpercar

    “I sicked in my hat. My hat is now gone, and that is, in fact, why I am most sad.”

    — Rufus T. Rufus

    Topics: #restaurants #foodallergies #baddays #friendship #studiodrama #shellfish #hats

    Featuring: Rufus T. Rufus, Doodle Poodle, Natty Bumpercar, Aloysious J. Pig

    Full Transcript

    Rufus T. Rufus: well well well this is rufus t rufus the residential uh uh lawyer here for the bumper podcast uh today we're going to be doing a little bit of litigation for some cases that have come to my attention here i will be the prosecutor i will be the defender i will be the judge i will also be the stenographer i will probably be drawing the pictures as well as the dog oh give it up it's me hi everybody it's me

    Doodle Poodle: i've been trying to decide what the best way to say my name is because sometimes when i say my name people look at me kind of funny but not funny in any kind of like ha ha ha way but more like funny in a what's this dog even talking about way and then i've been trying to decide what the best way to say my name is because sometimes when i say my I realize that they are looking at me funny because my name is Doodle Doodle and I'm not even making any drawings for them. So then I start to make some doodles and everything gets all better all the time.

    Natty Bumpercar: Right? Right. Right. Hey, guys. It is me, Natty Bumpercar, and I do not know what I've done. That's right. You're in the booth. I turned your microphone off. So you're just going to have to sit there for a second. Sorry, everybody. A little inside baseball there. This is Natty Bumpercar. It is my show, The Bumper Podcast. And evidently, Rufus T. Rufus, our lawyer, and Doodle Poodle snuck into the sound booth over there. And I don't know what they were about to do. Some sort of courtroom drama on The Bumper Podcast. But now that I'm here, I can kind of take charge and we can see, I think, what I'm going to do because I feel bad. Because they. They do have the studio blocked off right now. They are supposed to be here. But I was kind of listening in because I can do that from my office. And I didn't understand what they were doing. So I will let I will bring them back in. But then I will kind of mitigate whatever insanity happens. So in advance, I apologize. And hey, how you doing? I'm glad you're here. Thanks for being here. So without further ado, here is Rufus. Rufus T.

    Rufus T. Rufus: Yeah. Hi there. Thank you for cracking the microphone, Mr. Bumpercar. As you said, because we can hear what you're saying in there, as you can hear what we're saying in here, as well as what you say in there. We had the studio blocked off for this time. And I do not appreciate and I do believe that it breaks the terms of endearment that you have steadily stated for and placed upon the wording of the studio usage. And the policy is. And we will not be broken if you do understand what I'm saying. My friend, my friend, my friend.

    Doodle Poodle: I agree with everything that he said. And I think that I didn't actually read the words. And I don't even know if I ever got them. What? And so to be honest. They were in your cubicle. The fact that I didn't get them. No. I think I mean that you're breaking the rules. No. On that one.

    Natty Bumpercar: They were in your cubicle.

    Doodle Poodle: Two. Put them in there. Right. Sir. I thought so. I thought so.

    Rufus T. Rufus: Well, now, what my friend here, Mr. Poodle, is saying is that you never. In fact, got his signatory on the piece of preparatory. And so, in fact, you are broken all the rules from left to right, from front to center, Mr. Bumper Cop. So, if you interrupt us again, my friend. I'm not interrupting. I'm going to have to. It's my studio. Negate. Oh, really? You understand what I'm saying, sir? Yeah. I am going to have to take this junket to the junket.

    Natty Bumpercar: Okay? I think you were trying to say you were trying to take this. You're going to take this junket to the trunk. Which doesn't even make sense. And the fact that I am now able to kind of figure out what you're trying to say kind of makes me terrified because I don't want to be able to speak Rufus. And now, a quick word from one of our sponsors. I'm so busy. But luckily, I discovered Picnic. It is an organizational app for my family. I can enter events into a shared calendar. We have to-do lists, shopping lists, and even recipes. So, you should totally go do it. Go get organized. Go to Picnic. Go to Picnic. Go to Picnic. Go to Picnic.com slash Get Started to set up your account and use promo code PODPIC for 30 days of Picnic Premium for free. That's Picnic. P-I-C-N-I-I-C dot com slash Get Started and promo code PODPIC. So, go and get organized today. We now return you to whatever in the world it was that you were listening to just before the commercial here on the Bumper Podcast. Good luck. You're probably going to need it.

    Rufus T. Rufus: I'm sorry. No, that's not a slander. That's a slander. That's a slight. That is abruptly inappropriate. And I, sir, do declare that my time here is done. I will be leaving and I do not know if I will be coming back. If you run into any issues revolving around the law, then I do so hope that you have coverage from some other lackey or whatever you desire. Because I, sir, will not. Don't do that. I will take this punishment from you. There's no punishment. I've had a rough day as it is. Are you? And I don't. Hold on a second. Are you okay? Hold on a second. I'm getting emotional. Is he crying? Yeah, he's crying. Oh, no. Rufus, I'm just going to turn your microphone off. Yeah, I'm going to turn it off. You turn that microphone off.

    Natty Bumpercar: Sir, just hold on. I'm pushing the button.

    Doodle Poodle: This is making me very, as a poodle who is normally very in touch with his emotions. Yeah. Very open to, you know, making sure that I express what I'm feeling. I don't really like being stuck in this room.

    Natty Bumpercar: No, okay.

    Doodle Poodle: This classroom with a microphone and this poor, sad man. I'm not a sad man.

    Natty Bumpercar: But you're like me. Rufus, you're back on the air. I'm sorry.

    Doodle Poodle: Because usually when I make drawings, it makes people smile.

    Natty Bumpercar: Well, that's nice. That's a good.

    Rufus T. Rufus: I don't know if that's what's going to make me happy or not. Listen, here's what happened.

    Natty Bumpercar: Yeah, Rufus, can you just talk? I mean, I guess since we're here and we have the microphones and everything set up and we're this far in, I feel like you should just talk to us and, you know, let us know what's going on and we'll see if we can make it better. Okay. Does that make sense?

    Rufus T. Rufus: Yeah, that's a good idea. Now, here's what happened to me today.

    Doodle Poodle: Oh, are you going to tell us now?

    Rufus T. Rufus: You just hushed, puppy. Now, here's… Rufus, I was at my favorite Wolverine Hole slash restaurant food emporium extravaganza. I'm about to eat my favorite food. Now, I had gone there specifically because I wanted some stuffed mushrooms. You understand? It's what I always eat on Thursday.

    Natty Bumpercar: Oh, on Thursday? But it's not… Oh. Oh.

    Rufus T. Rufus: Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. It is not even Thursday in the least. It is Tuesday. I had looked at the calendar, and the calendar had said there was a T. I saw the T, and I saw the U. You know Thursday's got a U in it as well. And then the day. At the end, I saw T, and I saw U, and I saw day. And, you know, they ain't got no stuffed mushrooms. in the restaurant in Foodiborium on Tuesday. That is Crab Fritter Day. And, sir, I have to tell you, I am highly allergic to crab fritters.

    Doodle Poodle: I really, I love crab fritters. That's why I'm always there on Tuesday. They say, Tuesday crab fritters, toodle-poodles, food for days. It's like…

    Natty Bumpercar: You've never gone to a restaurant toodle-poodle. They don't let dogs in restaurants, first off. But second off, I am with you on the crab fritters. I do not like them. I'm not allergic to them, but I just, I don't like shellfish. But that's not true, because I do like shrimp. But here's the weird thing with shrimp. I do not, I like shrimp scampi. Like, it's over here by itself. You put that in pasta, you yuck. I like steamed shrimp with, like, some Old Bay. That's delicious. Or I guess that's boiled shrimp. I like shrimp on the barbie. Fan, I'm a big fan. Shrimp by themselves, yes. But you get a scallop near me, you get a lobster near me, you get a crab near me, you get any of that stuff. Escargot, escar-no, that's been a high set. None of it. Just keep it away from me. And even shrimp, I'm weird on.

    Rufus T. Rufus: So, as you were, keep talking. Okay, yeah, I'm gonna keep on going, as this was my story, and I'm not as sad as I used to be, because you kept talking. And now I feel like my emotional stake in the ground has been lucked out, and I don't have as much to talk about. It's just fine. So, I do not like this Tuesday meal. I'm allergic to it. I will go to the hospital. In fact, just being in the restaurant, the air, it was in the air. I thought I'd get a little sick. I have to tell you, sir, I sicked in my hat. My hat is now gone, and that is, in fact, why I am most sad. I did not get my stuffed mushrooms, and I lost my hat.

    Doodle Poodle: See, your hat is gone.

    Rufus T. Rufus: When you ask me why I'm having a rough day, that's why I'm having a rough day. We should draw you a new hat.

    Doodle Poodle: I'm going to draw a picture of you with your hat on.

    Aloysious J. Pig: It's going to be a great doodle. Guys, guys, guys, guys. I'm so sorry. It's me, Pig. I'm always just J. Pig. And I'm noticing on the schedule that your time is officially up, because I'm about to do my podcast, which is supposed to be called the Pigpen Podcast, but it's a kid's show. But it ain't happening right yet, because we've got to think of a new name. So, you guys skadoot. Sorry. Thanks for bringing it to the top. Sorry, everybody. It's Mike Darn, Aloysius J. Pig. Have a better day. Anybody got a good name for a pig's podcast? Send it in to Bumpercar.

    Natty Bumpercar: Yeah. Do that for me, okay? Please. What about Rude Pig, huh? That's not a good name for a podcast. Have a great day, guys, everybody.

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  • Bumperpodcast #310 – Turkey is back

    Bumperpodcast #310 – Turkey is back

    Turkey is back – and he is bananas.

    Here it is – the new podcast that everyone is talking about. The Bumperpodcast is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp around Headquarters, in Coffee-Can Alley, with Natty Bumpercar and his entire gaggle of pals! 

    Send us an email to bumperpodcast@nattybumpercar.com.

    Don’t forget to call in and leave a message – 646.847.7976.

     

    Go like our Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/TheBumperpodcast/)!!

     

    About This Episode

    In episode 310 of the Bumperpodcast, Natty Bumpercar faces a Thanksgiving crisis when Turkey shows up at headquarters in a state of panic. Joined by Aloysious J. Pig, Doodle Poodle, Rufus T. Rufus (acting as Turkey's lawyer), and Robot with his universal Turkey decoder, the gang attempts to calm the anxious bird who fears he'll end up as dinner. Through a chaotic series of misunderstandings and Turkey's rapid-fire gobbling, the team works to communicate and reassure their feathered friend. The episode wraps with a heartfelt message from Natty about gratitude and making it through tough times, while Turkey finally settles down for a nap.

    Memorable Quotes

    “Rufus, Turkey lawyer Rufus, that's my name. And I will be legally representing this Turkey here in the court of law to call a justice the court of the public opinion.”

    — Rufus T. Rufus

    “He thinks the robot looks like an oven, and he thinks that this is all a big setup to get the Turkey back in.”

    — Natty Bumpercar

    “You should wake up every day and look yourself in the mirror in the eyes. And you should thank yourself for doing whatever you do, for trying hard, for making it through the day.”

    — Natty Bumpercar

    Topics: #thanksgiving #turkey #anxiety #friendship #gratitude #communication #holidaystress #kindness

    Featuring: Natty Bumpercar, Producer, Aloysious J. Pig, Doodle Poodle, Rufus T. Rufus, Robot

    Full Transcript

    Natty Bumpercar: well well well if it isn't the bumper podcast and it's me it's natty bumper car and it's that time of year it's that time of year where it's almost thanksgiving and i oh no look who it is

    Producer: hey buddy how are you you're freaking out you're freaking me out there's a lot of freaking out

    Natty Bumpercar: okay you talk

    Aloysious J. Pig: i don't i don't i don't know what i don't know what you're seeing i'm very sorry i'm very i'm

    Natty Bumpercar: very sorry hey hey that's me uh allosius jay pig so anyway so i think what the tardy doodle is trying to say is that he's nervous because you're talking about Thanksgiving. Yeah. And always around this time of year, you know, the turkey comes in, and you're like, gobble, gobble, and you're like, who's this? And turkey, turkey, and blah, blah, blah. I think he just wants to make sure that everything is on the up and up. Oh. That everything is copacetic. Of course. You know what I'm talking about. Okay. That makes sense. Okay. Exactly. Turkey, calm it down. He's freaking out. Take it down two notches. He's freaking out. Turkey, turkey, turkey. You need to settle. Settle. Settle. Turkey. Settle. Somebody got to settle the turkey, I guess. Do we have any turkey whispers in the house? No, there's no turkey whispers in the house.

    Aloysious J. Pig: Okay, just kidding. Oh. Uh-huh.

    Natty Bumpercar: Oh, you seem so sad, turkey. Listen, it's going to be fine. Nothing bad is going to happen, I promise. We're just going to hang out. We're here at headquarters. It's me, you, and Pig, and we, I, he does, I guess, he kind of, Pig, do you speak turkey? It seems like a little bit. I mean, I, I do dabble a bit. Okay, but not really. No, no, no. Okay, so we, I think that we maybe just need to find somebody who does speak a good turkey, and then we can kind of, kind of go from there. Maybe, does that make sense? I don't know what to do. You still freak it out. Okay, okay, okay. Settle down, turkey. Settle down. Stop it. You're on a, you're on a hot microphone, turkey. Don't say anything you'll regret in the future. Okay, well, calm down. I, uh,

    Aloysious J. Pig: oh. I see. I understand exactly. That's exactly what the turkey is trying to

    Natty Bumpercar: say to everybody.

    Doodle Poodle: Hi, everybody. It's me. It's

    Aloysious J. Pig: a little poodle.

    Doodle Poodle: And I think that I can solve this case. Okay, it's not a case. Perhaps, perchance, probably.

    Natty Bumpercar: He's trying to figure out what he's saying.

    Doodle Poodle: Um, what I'm gonna do is get out some paper. Okay. And make some doodles of what the turkey who is trying to say so that you guys can get a visual representation of exactly what the turkey is trying to tell us. Is that the best idea ever?

    Natty Bumpercar: I'm gonna weigh in on this and say that no, it's actually not the best idea ever. It's not, it's not the worst idea ever. Uh, but, I mean, I guess maybe we could give it a shot. But the thing is, this turkey talks very quickly. And, um, I don't know that you're gonna be able to draw what he's saying fast enough that we'll be able to convey exactly what he's trying to say.

    Doodle Poodle: Oh, look, I drew this unicorn right here. That fast unicorn.

    Natty Bumpercar: Okay. I stand corrected. We are gonna give it a shot. We're gonna give it a shot. Okay. That's kind of amazing that you drew that that fast. Okay. I'm very fast

    Doodle Poodle: doodler. I can draw very quickly if I want to. Sometimes I draw slow. But sometimes I draw really fast, too. This is just how it depends. Oh, what the, you know, this is tough. Oh, he's saddled.

    Aloysious J. Pig: Saddled. Saddled. Saddled. Saddled. Saddled. Saddled. Saddled.

    Rufus T. Rufus: Turkey lawyer T. Rufus. Wait a minute, I did that wrong. Rufus, Turkey lawyer Rufus, that's my name. And I will be legally representing this Turkey here in the court of law to call a justice the court of the public opinion on exactly what he wants to do and what he deserves to do and the life that all Turkies in this great country, in this great world, are allowed to pursue and enjoy. If you do get my drift, and I believe you do by the look on your eye, on your face, above your nose, you see what I'm saying? Rufus, Turkey lawyer Rufus, coming in, swooping in, just like I do, to protect you. To protect you, okay? Okay. Call me up. We're going to settle this out of court, lawyer style.

    Natty Bumpercar: All right. All right. Are you being paid by the minute? Because that was quite the soliloquy, I think that was, the monologue. That was a monologue. That was definitely a more monologue than we needed to have at this moment.

    Rufus T. Rufus: It was more of a soliloquy, I believe. It was more of a, you know. Okay.

    Natty Bumpercar: But we're just trying to figure out what the Turkey is doing. What the Turkey wants, and what the Turkey needs, and what will make the Turkey happy. So, I appreciate everyone being here, but I don't appreciate you.

    Robot: Hey, but I think you should appreciate me, because I think that I have a solution. I have a universal Turkey decoder inside of my programming.

    Producer: Wait, do you really? That might help. Yeah. Yeah. See? Okay.

    Robot: I am good for something, and so, if the Turkey would just come here and wait, where's the Turkey going? I don't understand.

    Natty Bumpercar: All right. So, what do we… Bro, the robot's completely freaking the Turkey out. Okay. He's afraid of the robot. He thinks the robot looks like an oven, and he thinks that this is all a big setup to get the Turkey back in. Yeah. So, we're going to get the Turkey out of the robot's oven, and then we're going to get the Turkey back in. And, of course, we're going to get the Turkey in the robot oven, and then Turkey dinner, which I have told him is not true. We're not doing that. No. He's a rusty bucket of bolts. He's not a cooking utensil item. So, just go on down. All right. Talk to the, you know, the bones. The robot. No, the bones. The bolts over there. Yeah. And, we can get to the bottom. We can settle. Turkey, settle down. Settle down. Turkey. Turkey. Turkey bro. Seriously. Why is he freaking… I can't even imagine the Turkey. He's still freaking out. I was having a nice relaxing day. You're ruining my day. I don't want to say he's ruining it. Hey, turkey. There he goes. He finally went to sleep, everybody. I think all the activity might have worked him up and got him super anxious. Oh, he's so sleepy. I've never seen a sleeping turkey before.

    Producer: He's so cute when he sleeps.

    Natty Bumpercar: Is he purring? I didn't know turkeys purred. This is very strange. Wow, all right. Well, now that the crisis is averted with turkey, I wanted to say thank you so much to everybody for listening to the Bumper Podcast and for being so awesome. And sometimes the world is a big, mean, scary place, but hopefully you listen here and you feel a little bit better. Or you see how crazy my world is and it makes you feel like your world isn't, you know, all that crazy. You're pretty cool. You're pretty nice. You're pretty fun. Definitely pretty funny. And thank you. And thank you and thank you and thank you. And you should wake up every day and you should look in the mirror and you should brush your teeth and then you should wash your face and then you should look yourself in the mirror in the eyes. And you should thank yourself for doing whatever you do, for trying hard, for, you know, making it through the day, making it through the night, because it's not always that easy. And the world's a big, scary place and there's a lot of big, scary things happening. I mean, as turkey evidences. So, hooray for you. Hooray for me. Hooray for every single body. Right? Right. Anybody else want to say anything? Anybody else on the podcast want to say thank you for anything? Or…

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  • Bumperpodcast #309 – Halloween Kids

    Bumperpodcast #309 – Halloween Kids

    The kids and I babble on about Halloween, and stuff. They are harder to herd than kittens.

    Here it is – the new podcast that everyone is talking about. The Bumperpodcast is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp around Headquarters, in Coffee-Can Alley, with Natty Bumpercar and his entire gaggle of pals! 

    It’s almost too much to bear – isn’t it? Let us know by sending an email to bumperpodcast@nattybumpercar.com.

    Don’t forget to call in and leave a message – 646.847.7976.

     

    Go like our Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/TheBumperpodcast/)!!

     

    About This Episode

    In this chaotic Halloween special of the Bumperpodcast, host Natty Bumpercar is joined by two young guests, Ollie and Emerson, for a wild conversation about trick-or-treating, costumes, and candy. The trio discusses their Halloween adventures including two parades, parties, and collecting candy—including full-size candy bars that mysteriously went missing. They also talk about their carved pumpkin named "Daddy Junior Oliver Junior" that was eaten by squirrels, and debate whether pumpkins are fruits or vegetables. The episode features improvisational comedy, chaotic energy, and plans for next year's Halloween yard decorations involving Muppets and cliffs.

    Memorable Quotes

    “Hey, little kids, if you think a pumpkin is a vegetable, it's a fruit, everyone.”

    — Ollie

    “The face was taken off because those little, little squirrels are eating my little pumpkin.”

    — Emerson

    “The only thing this basement is haunted by is by the dog peeing in it.”

    — Natty Bumpercar

    Topics: #halloween #trick-or-treating #candy #costumes #pumpkins #kids #family

    Featuring: Natty Bumpercar

    Full Transcript

    Natty Bumpercar: oh hello there everyone it's me natty bumper car and this is the bumper podcast and today i have two very special guests who are you you're who that's not even a name is it is that your name yeah that's a nice name and what's your name emerson yeah yeah he was trying to think of something pretty pretty clever you're trying to be clever and slick eh what are we what are we talking about today guys oh i know who i am oh wait now you know who you are perfect who are you i'm just gonna sing oh you're that's your name oh

    Unknown: hi just gonna sing how you doing no i'm thinking of my name okay you clearly said sing no i didn't

    Natty Bumpercar: i don't like to sing you don't do you like the movie sing no okay ollie do you like the movie sing yeah what's your favorite character on the movie sing johnny who's johnny which one is he

    Unknown: he's a gorilla silly

    Natty Bumpercar: he's a silly gorilla or am i a silly silly

    Unknown: so oh wait perfect who are you um i'm oh uh

    Natty Bumpercar: oh hey what's up jay how you doing huh you jay you in my house huh you like to sing i heard huh

    Unknown: no i don't like to sing i hate singing oh okay

    Natty Bumpercar: hey so jay what are you gonna talk about today huh we're gonna talk about something what are we gonna talk about um what are you here for on the on the

    Unknown: trick-or-treating we're gonna talk about trick-or-treating and halloween nope

    Natty Bumpercar: oh yeah i think that it's a good idea i think it's a fun thing we can recap you can just talk buddy what what are you gonna whisper to me okay so emerson had something to whisper to me And we had to pause the podcast. But now we're back. And now we're going to talk about, I don't know, trick-or-treating Halloween. We're going to talk about trick-or-treating. We're going to talk about costumes and trick-or-Halloween-ing.

    Unknown: What's the blue stuff?

    Natty Bumpercar: The blue stuff down there?

    Unknown: Yeah.

    Natty Bumpercar: That's just, those are called waveforms. And when you record, when you talk into a microphone, the computer is taking in your sound. Cool. And it's giving you a graphical representation of what the peaks and valleys of your voice are. So if you talk a little bit louder, then you'll notice that the peaks up there go a little bit higher, huh? And if you talk really quietly, then they're going to be really, really, really low. Yeah, right? So, Ollie, what did you do for Halloween? I got candy. Do you love candy?

    Unknown: Yeah.

    Natty Bumpercar: Yeah, Emerson got a lot of candy. You know, some. Some people were giving out full-size. Candy bars. Candy bars. I saw a full-size Snickers bar.

    Unknown: And I lost it.

    Natty Bumpercar: You lost it?

    Unknown: And I also lost my full-size Snick-um-Skittles.

    Natty Bumpercar: How does that happen? How does that?

    Unknown: I think I left them at, I think I left them at.

    Natty Bumpercar: Blah and Blah's house?

    Unknown: No, not Blah and Blah's house. I. What are you doing? I left them at my coffee shop. Right, Daddy?

    Natty Bumpercar: Yeah, that's right. That's it. I'm not being sarcastic.

    Unknown: I'm not being sarcastic.

    Natty Bumpercar: I'm not being sarcastic at all. I'm not being sarcastic. So, what did we do? That was a big day. We had two parades. Ollie had a parade and then you had a, and then, and then we had to pick you up and they got you dressed. What was your costume?

    Unknown: I can't hear you guys. Oh, I know who it is. I know who it is. It's, it's. Oh, the music stopped. Don't worry. It's, it's. Oh, that's weird.

    Natty Bumpercar: Is it somebody from?

    Unknown: Pickle and Peanut.

    Natty Bumpercar: Oh, no, not Pickle and Peanut. Pickle and Peanut's scary. Yeah. What is Pickle and Peanut? Don't they do a lot of songs like, oosh, oosh, oosh, oosh. Oosh, oosh, oosh. Pickle and Peanut. Oosh, oosh, oosh, oosh. Oosh, oosh, oosh, oosh. What do you want? Pickle and Peanut. Pickle, Pickle and, Pickle and Peanut.

    Unknown: So cute. We made the show, everyone.

    Natty Bumpercar: Yeah. Did you, and we went to, so we had two parades and then we went to a party. What'd you do, what'd you do at the party?

    Unknown: We ate lots of candy.

    Natty Bumpercar: At the party you did?

    Unknown: What party?

    Natty Bumpercar: The first party.

    Unknown: The Justin. Oh, we ate Rice Krispies. Justin.

    Natty Bumpercar: No, no, not that party. That's a birthday party.

    Unknown: Justin.

    Natty Bumpercar: But that was a birthday party. That was a birthday party. We went to a Halloween party, remember?

    Unknown: Oh, yeah.

    Natty Bumpercar: And it was a backyard. It was a backyard and you guys were swinging.

    Unknown: Yeah.

    Natty Bumpercar: Yeah.

    Unknown: Wait, what on what?

    Natty Bumpercar: Do you have any recollection of Halloween at all?

    Unknown: What did you say, Dad?

    Natty Bumpercar: Do you remember anything from Halloween?

    Unknown: No.

    Natty Bumpercar: No.

    Unknown: What did you say, guys?

    Natty Bumpercar: I said, do you remember anything from Halloween?

    Unknown: There can't be a game.

    Natty Bumpercar: Yeah, give this to Emerson. It's his turn. You guys are awesome.

    Unknown: Oh, come on. Wait. Microphone. Microphone.

    Natty Bumpercar: So, what are we going to do now?

    Unknown: I think.

    Natty Bumpercar: I feel like we've had better conversations. Remember, we weren't going to yell because you know what that does? What? It hurts people's ears.

    Unknown: Yeah, man. And then they get amnesia.

    Natty Bumpercar: And then they get amnesia.

    Unknown: And then their ear bleeds.

    Natty Bumpercar: Oh, my goodness. This is taking a real turn for the worse.

    Unknown: And then their ears blow up.

    Natty Bumpercar: Oh, my goodness. Because this is the worst story I've ever heard in my entire life.

    Unknown: And then the ears are dead.

    Natty Bumpercar: All right, well, so, since they have no, don't touch the microphone, since they have no recollection as to what happened on Halloween, which I was told we were going to talk about.

    Unknown: About, we were talking about candy, and Daddy was going to be like.

    Natty Bumpercar: Did we give out any candy at our house?

    Unknown: Nope.

    Natty Bumpercar: Oh, why not?

    Unknown: Because I stole a little bit.

    Natty Bumpercar: You did?

    Unknown: Yeah. Now I have. Now I have 100. 59 pieces.

    Natty Bumpercar: Oh, remember what happened to our pumpkin, where we carved it, and then we put it out, and then we came home, and what had happened to it?

    Unknown: The face fell off because of the.

    Natty Bumpercar: Did the face fall off, or was the face taken off?

    Unknown: The face was taken off because those little, little squirrels are eating my little pumpkin.

    Natty Bumpercar: And then what did you do? Daddy Junior. That's the name of the pumpkin? I didn't know the pumpkin had a name. And I really didn't know it was named Daddy Pumpkin. Daddy Junior.

    Unknown: And his last name was Oliver Junior.

    Natty Bumpercar: That's his last name? Yeah. So his first name is Daddy Junior, and his last name is Oliver Junior?

    Unknown: And his nickname is Allison Junior.

    Natty Bumpercar: And his nickname, this is ridiculous. No, it's not.

    Unknown: His nickname, no, his nickname's called Pumpkin Man.

    Natty Bumpercar: Pumpkin Man, Pumpkin Man, doing everything that a pumpkin can.

    Unknown: And that flat pumpkin that we put it outside, his name is called Oliver Superhero. Oliver Superhero.

    Natty Bumpercar: That's a really funny name. That's not true. So is Super his middle name?

    Unknown: Hey, little kids, if you think a pumpkin is a vegetable, it's a fruit, everyone. Wait, is that true? Yeah. And you make pumpkin pie, guys.

    Natty Bumpercar: It's true, everyone.

    Unknown: I don't know if that's true.

    Natty Bumpercar: It grows on the ground.

    Unknown: It is. Well, it's a gourd.

    Natty Bumpercar: It does sprout, yeah. I feel like now we're getting into something.

    Unknown: And then it grows. And then it grows green, and then it grows a big, big, big orange pumpkin. And do you know, we're in a haunted basement.

    Natty Bumpercar: I don't feel like this basement is haunted, is it?

    Unknown: No, because.

    Natty Bumpercar: The only thing this basement is haunted by is by the dog peeing in it. Ew.

    Unknown: There's ghosts.

    Natty Bumpercar: What? There's ghosts. There's ghosts?

    Unknown: Can I have one of your paintings, please?

    Natty Bumpercar: No. You've already got several in your room.

    Unknown: Really?

    Natty Bumpercar: Yeah.

    Unknown: There's several. Who, Dad?

    Natty Bumpercar: Yeah, I hear you. You're sitting on my lap. I can see you saying, ooh. Ooh. You're not a very. Whoa. Now, what is that? That, I have no idea what it was. Oh, my goodness. I'm so scared. Ooh. Ew, fox pee. Oh, stop it, Emerson. That's rude. Let's go. That's doggy potty talk. All right. Well, so that was our Halloween. We went trick-or-treating. We went to two parties. We did two parades. We went out walking for about an hour and a half, and then we came home, and no one had come to our house except for a squirrel who ate our pumpkin. The end. And we all got stomach aches, and the next day, it was very rough to go to school. Some people didn't want to go to school, and some people had a very rough day at school because we have a difficult time. If we have a big night the next day, watch out, right?

    Unknown: Yeah.

    Natty Bumpercar: Yeah. That's what happened to you. Ooh.

    Unknown: There's a ghost.

    Natty Bumpercar: Oh, my goodness. Oh, and there was a cool house that had a Jaws theme, and they had all these cool cut-out wooden things, and we've decided that next year, we're going to try to do some sort of cool yard theme, right? Oh, bless you. Do you know what it's going to be?

    Unknown: I think it's going to be Mermaid. It's Halloween.

    Natty Bumpercar: I think it was. Yeah, you're right. It was the Muppets Save Halloween. Good job.

    Unknown: I think it was Elmo Saving Cookie Monster because evil. Grover was pushing him off a cliff, and then Elmo saved him, and he pushed Monster Grover off the cliff, and that's the end.

    Natty Bumpercar: It sounds like we have to build a cliff.

    Unknown: Oh, a real live one?

    Natty Bumpercar: A real live cliff is what we have to build, yes.

    Unknown: How hard.

    Natty Bumpercar: How hard. What? Both of your English language skills have deteriorated. How deep. There you go. How deep. Super deep. Deep. It was super duper deep.

    Unknown: How long was that?

    Natty Bumpercar: Super duper. That's super duper deep. I hit that bass. Boom, bing, boom, bing, boom. That was not very good. I was excited about the song, but then I had the accordion in my head in the wrong state. All right. Can everybody say one, two, three, goodbye? One, two, three.

    Unknown: Goodbye.

    Natty Bumpercar: Emerson, you didn't do it. We're supposed to do it as a team. We're going to say one, two, three. Goodbye. And then it was going to. Goodbye.

    Unknown: Goodbye.

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  • Bumperpodcast #299 – Look who’s back!

    Pig comes back after a long disappearance – and spills the beans on where he has been. It’s convoluted!

    The Bumperpodcast is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp around Headquarters, in Coffee-Can Alley, with Natty Bumpercar and his entire gaggle of pals! 

    Do you like chaos? Let us know by sending an email to bumperpodcast@nattybumpercar.com.

    About This Episode

    Aloysious J. Pig returns to Bumperpodcast after a mysterious absence, spinning an increasingly absurd tale about his whereabouts. While Natty Bumpercar tries to share updates about his chaotic few weeks involving company buyouts, tree cutting, and stump grinding, Pig insists on telling a wild story involving corn fields, desert jail, a camel cellmate, and a frozen yogurt escape plot. Rufus T. Rufus appears to corroborate Pig's tale with his own unlikely story about yachts and Learjets. The episode devolves into comedic chaos as Natty struggles to determine what's real and what's fiction, with Pig eventually admitting the whole adventure might have just been about eating frozen yogurt all summer.

    Memorable Quotes

    “If I walk by your office in the hallway, does it say, Chief of Fun Ruiner? Because, you know, if that's your gig, then you should get a raise, my friend.”

    — Aloysious J. Pig

    “I can't believe you preempted my big adventure. I can't believe you preempted my big conversation to talk about stumps.”

    — Natty Bumpercar

    “I've been gone, engorging myself, because I want to get my summer body on fleek, on point, if you will.”

    — Aloysious J. Pig

    Topics: #pigreturns #storytelling #frozenyogurt #prisonescape #summeradventures #talltales #friendship

    Featuring: Natty Bumpercar, Aloysious J. Pig

    Full Transcript

    Natty Bumpercar: so here's the thing bumper podcast you've been wondering where i've been and i've been wondering

    Aloysious J. Pig: where you've been well more importantly we've all been waiting for where hey here i am you're just gonna cut me yeah okay i'm gonna talk now okay yes i'm gonna talk where pig has been yeah well he's back i'm back and everyone has been like hey where's pig we've been getting all this mail and all these you know uh phone calls and uh sky writing and and letters and and you know and

    Natty Bumpercar: and and mail you said mail like two or three times i yeah i know okay well so i just wanted to make sure because it's you can't really if you're trying to build something up you can't be like ah we got mail and we got postcards and we got envelopes should i leave i don't want to

    Aloysious J. Pig: do this okay yeah you proceed okay thank you so as i was saying i was on everyone was asking and i'm I was on an adventure, an adventure of epic proportions, if you know what I'm doing here.

    Natty Bumpercar: Did you just do a pun? Yeah, it was a pun. I do a lot of puns, okay? Because it was kind of terrible.

    Aloysious J. Pig: Just leave me alone, all right?

    Natty Bumpercar: Is that going to be your new thing?

    Aloysious J. Pig: That's what I always do.

    Natty Bumpercar: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

    Aloysious J. Pig: This is why people leave the show, Bumper Guy. I didn't want to get into it on the podcast because it was supposed to be a big, warm welcome back. But all of a sudden, you've got to sit there and you've got to pick and pick and pick at the pig. And me, I'm just here to have fun, and I'm just here to tell a story. And you, you know, I guess you're here to what? Ruin the fun? Is that your job? Is that your title? If I walk by your office in the hallway, does it say, Chief of Fun Ruiner? Because, you know, if that's your gig, then you should get a raise, my friend. Your bonus should be a bountiful, you know?

    Natty Bumpercar: I do like the, I am sorry, Pig. I, you know, it's been a couple of weeks. It's been a crazy couple of weeks around here.

    Aloysious J. Pig: Are you going to talk about yourself now? Is that what we're doing, huh?

    Natty Bumpercar: Yes, I'm actually going to, if you don't, I'll just real quick. Okay. It's been crazy. It's been bananas crazy. Let me tell you what happened to me, and then you can hear from Pig. The company that I worked for was bought by an international company. No one knew if we were going to have jobs. This was two weeks ago. My wife was away at a conference. Big conference in Las Vegas. Ho, ho, ho. There was a carnival that was a block and a half from my house that my kids lose their minds to go to. The carnival's here.

    Aloysious J. Pig: The carnival's here. We have to go to the carnival. Carnival, carnival.

    Natty Bumpercar: We have to spend thousands of dollars. Not really. We don't have to spend that much money. What else do we have? There was, we watched the Captain Underpants movie. I was in a commercial that was, I was on set for 12 hours. The company. We ended up transitioning, so that did happen into the new company, and that's been a nightmare. We have the biggest client ever at my company that we're trying to land, and everyone's been losing their minds about that. We've also had a few shows. Yeah. We also, we might get a bathroom, a new bathroom here at headquarters. Really, we're talking about bathroom.

    Aloysious J. Pig: It's just been crazy. Sounds crazy.

    Natty Bumpercar: I don't need to tell you. Okay. But I'm telling you. Okay. Something else happened, too. What? Oh, I cut down two trees in my backyard. Oh, boy. I did, with a chainsaw. I cut down four bushes. Lots of things are happening. Why are you cutting things down? I'm getting a stump grinder this weekend to grind stumps, because we're having a big family reunion of my wife's family in a couple of weeks, and I need the house to be spick and span and ready. It's not going to be. It's going to be in the middle of a thousand different projects, and people are going to deal with it. This is unlistenable. Okay, back to you. I'm sorry. Yeah, thank you.

    Aloysious J. Pig: No one is. I can't believe you preempted my big adventure. I can't believe you preempted my big conversation to talk about stumps. You're like, oh, I'm going to grind some stumps. This is my podcast now. Is that what's happened since I left?

    Natty Bumpercar: Well, it's not how I talk, A and B. Honestly, we haven't. I don't even know if we've recorded in the last two weeks, so I don't want to say you're the lynch pig of the whole thing, but really, we haven't been putting out a lot of content. No premium content, that's for sure. Everyone can agree to that. Everyone can attest to that. Anyway, so, done talking. I want to hear what happened to you, where you have been, where you went. So, without further ado, go.

    Aloysious J. Pig: So, there's some weird tension here, but we'll deal with that another time, I suppose. So, there I was, ladies and gentlemen. I woke up. I found myself in a field, a field of corn. It was like a dream come true for a pig like me. I looked left. I looked right. I look in front of me. I look behind. To me, there was corn everywhere. Here's the thing, though. When corn grows, it ain't too convenient for a little pig like me. So, I'm looking. I can't reach none of it. All I can do is smell the corn. Oh, hello, beautiful corn. Won't you lean down and let me know? Okay. And so, then I had to go to the farm to see if they had some sort of a ladder that I could drag back to the corn field. So that I could climb up tippity-top to the top of the stairs and eat the corn. Well, I went to the farm, and they arrested me for trespassing. Can you believe this? I'm a pig on a farm. Can't you just give me a slap on the hoof or something and say, hey, pig, move on. You ain't supposed to be here. No. They took me into the police car, into town. There was a judge. There was a gavel. Off I went. They sent me to… To jail in the desert. I was in the desert. A pig in the desert. I can't tell you how much I was sweating. I was, like, profuse. They were… Actually, they got me my own row of paper towels, because they were always, like, they were embarrassed at how much I was sweating. They were like, bro, just dab a little bit of that sweat off, okay? You're a little bit extreme right now. I'm an extreme pig. People tell me that all the time. And they look at me, and they're like, bro, you seem pretty extreme. And I'm like, hey, you know what? For a pig, I guess I am. Anyway, in this jail, there was a camel, right? I don't know what he was in for. He wouldn't talk to me. But we, you know, we made eye contact, and we could tell we was on the same page. So what we did one night was there was a jackrabbit. No, excuse me. A jackalope. Who had… Who had squirreled away some spoons. And me and the camel and the jackalope and I guess the squirrel, I don't remember, started digging and digging and digging and…

    Natty Bumpercar: Are you telling me that you broke out of jail? You were in a prison for trespassing? You went to the desert? That doesn't make any sense at all. This story doesn't make any sense.

    Aloysious J. Pig: No, you don't make any sense, all right? I don't believe you. Well, I've got proof. Hold on one second. Let me bring my proof in. Get in here, proof. Well, if it isn't Mr. Rufus T. Rufus, I am here to defend the honor of Mr. Piggy Lou himself. Rude. It's Aloysius. Get with it. Exactly. So there I was on the Riviera on my yacht, and all of a sudden the phone starts to ringing, and it is… Emergency, emergency, emergency. And I said, hold on a second. I need to put my drink down. I don't want it to spill because that itself would be an emergency.

    Natty Bumpercar: You don't have a yacht. You don't… What are you talking about?

    Aloysious J. Pig: What does he keep interrupting me for?

    Natty Bumpercar: Because you don't… You're… I don't believe you either. I've met you before. You've never been to the Riviera. This is no joke. You don't have a yacht. You didn't even… You said yucked.

    Aloysious J. Pig: No, he said yacht. Bro, is this what you're going to do now? You're going to make fun of how people talk? You're going to make fun of accents just because you ain't got no accent? Because you was born in rural Georgia, and all of a sudden you don't sound like nothing? And so is that what this is? No. No. Just stop attacking. I'm sorry. Let the story happen.

    Natty Bumpercar: Go ahead, Rufus. Tell the story.

    Aloysious J. Pig: Well, of course I will. So I got the phone call, and it was from Aloysius here, who was calling me. He was calling me from dessert, and he was with a camel, and he was with a rabbit with horns. No, he said jackalope. He was a jackalope. Jackalope, exactly. Let's get it right. And there was a… I believe there might have been a squirrel. I'm not sure. And there was something about spoons, and so I quickly pulled my yacht up into the dock, and I parked it as you do. And granny… And got on my lead jet, and we flew over my crew and my team of experts, and we rescued this crew of malcontents.

    Natty Bumpercar: So my head is… This is… I'm glad I took a break. I missed doing the podcast, but I did not miss this. So you're telling me that you were on a yacht in the Riviera, you had a drink, the phone rang, and on the phone was Pig. Camel, something, a jackalope, and a squirrel that you're not even sure of. No one seems to be sure about this squirrel. The squirrel thing is kind of freaking me out. And then you got on a Learjet, is what you're saying, with your team, never met your team, and you flew over, and you rescued them. Is that something that a lawyer… Is that a normal thing that a lawyer would do? Because that doesn't sound very lawyerly to me. Yeah.

    Aloysious J. Pig: That's how… That's essentially what you just… Said was essentially what kind of happened. I think that… Rufus might have let something slip in there when he said dessert in the spoons. Here's the thing, Bumper Cop. I was in jail at a soft yogurt place, and me and this camel dude, we dug out of the yogurt with some spoons. There was no squirrel, if you didn't pick up on that. There was a jackalope. But she was working behind a counter. This whole time, I've been gone, engorging myself, because I want to get my summer body on fleek, on point, if you will. Wait. And that's where I've been. So none of it's true? And then Rufus had some ice cream, though. I don't… None of it's true? I don't… What? None of it, or maybe all of it.

    Unknown: I don't know.

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  • Bumperpodcast #284 – Overabundance

    Bumperpodcast #284 – Overabundance

    Bumpercar starts off rough – finds out that there’s no back button, talks about science, sings some songs, and then says something about the potty. It’s an overabundant episode!

    Do you like overabundance?

    Let us know by sending an email to bumperpodcast@nattybumpercar.com. 

    The Bumperpodcast is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp around Headquarters, in Coffee-Can Alley, with Natty Bumpercar and his entire gaggle of pals! 

    About This Episode

    In Bumperpodcast episode 284, Natty Bumpercar shares his chaotic yet hilarious bedtime routine with his kids. After taking a strategic 27-minute nap, Natty dives into a lengthy discussion about science before recounting his challenging evening. He reads five books to his sons, sings custom songs including variations of 'Rocket Ship' and 'Ali Li La,' only to have his younger son reject his musical offerings. The episode highlights Natty's struggles with potty training rewards, multiple bathroom trips, and an awkward encounter at school where he calls a kid by the wrong name. Through it all, Natty's exhausted but loving approach to parenting shines through with plenty of self-deprecating humor.

    Memorable Quotes

    “I don't talk to people that often because I get my feelings hurt.”

    — Natty Bumpercar

    “You need to be nice to daddy… and you know what he said? No. I was just like oh this is not a good debate.”

    — Natty Bumpercar

    “You can't just break it up into multiple prizes, that's not the way it's going to work.”

    — Natty Bumpercar

    Topics: #parenting #bedtimeroutine #science #pottytraining #children #music #sleep #familylife

    Featuring: Natty Bumpercar

    Full Transcript

    Natty Bumpercar: yeah bumper podcast what's going on it's me natty bumper car it was a weird way for me to start i want to start over i want to start over what there's no back button so i'm gonna just sound like yeah bumper podcast forever i i'm pretty sure there's a back button no ah okay hi bumper podcast it's me natty bumper car and uh last week i was super tired and sleepy this week i'm less tired and sleepy which is good i actually just took a nap i dropped the kids off early at school and uh then i came home and slept for 27 minutes i set my alarm for 27 minutes because i didn't want to go over 30 minutes because at that point the nap is actually gonna make you more tired which isn't true but that's what they tell you how is that even possible oh you got more sleep minutes more sleep then you're more tired sorry mom and but it's some sort of uh thing where you go into your deep sleep mode your REM sleep whatever it's called i can't i don't know the words i ain't i ain't no scientist hey bumper podcast let's get this straight we believe in science here at bumper podcast land at headquarters we love science all right you know why because science is backed up by things called facts science is backed up by things called data all right i was never super good at science in school but you know what i'm not a scientist that's for them to do but you know what i like to do believe in science all right let's i just wanted to establish that and i wanted to uh you know physical science sure earth science might be the same thing i don't know physics that's probably science right physiology it has ph at the beginning which wait science doesn't have oh god why have i gotten to this educated conversation with you and i haven't done any research ah research what is that that's science natty bumper car ah perfect you science is great so we should continue studying science and doing science and believing in science because science is the science behind science so back to me being awake i'm so waked woke i'm so woke i'm so waked i don't know how i don't see i don't know i don't talk to people that often i talk to big obviously uh and here's why i don't talk to people that often is because i don't because i get my feelings hurt uh last night i was putting the boys to bed and uh i read like five books five or six books i was like a book reading machine i was enjoying it normally i read one book per kid sing songs and i'm out but last night i was having a good time reading and so i just kind of kept going and i was like boom let's go to the next book bow let's go to the next book and the more i read to them the more uh tired they get and the more they kind of settle into bed easier which makes my whole experience better because here's what i don't like if i go up and i read and i get out quick i know they're gonna come out of the bed 10 10 12 times out of the room right daddy which i can't stand it drives me crazy it drives me bananas but so what i like to do is i'm just gonna do the work up front right i'm gonna make sure i give them pats i'm patting i'm patting so if i'm in there 25 minutes 30 minutes whatever that's cool because it's a nice 25 30 minutes for the most part right it's relaxed i'm reading books i'm singing the songs i'm calming them down no running around no toys ah let's lay down get your head on your pillow hey get your head on your pillow nope this is see there's this is your pillow i would like for your head don't kick the wall why are you kicking the wall i want your head where's your head perfect i want your head on your pillow point to your pillow point a point to the pillow that's not a pillow where's your pillow thank you now put your head on it and now you lay back down because i got two of them in the same room on opposite sides of the room and so they're both going back and forth it's like i'm looking it's like my head's on a swivel at all times anyway so i like to do the work up front so i don't have to go back up invariably you still gotta go up but for the most part it just seems easier to me so i uh last night five books in five books deep the big kid he is he is down for the count he is like i am out sing me some songs this is great you're the best data and i'm like yes i am and then i sing my songs i go uh rocket ship rocket ship way up high rocket ship rocket ship in the sky rocket ship rocket ship way up far rocket ship rocket ship in the stars and i go through the litany of songs i go through uh ali li la who's a pig for me ali li la just gather around and we'll see got a pig over here and a pig over there there's a pig pig pig pig everywhere said ali li la who's a pig for me ali li la who's a pig for me one more time ali li la who's a pig for me and on and on and on emerson passes out boom done gone perfect go over to ali i start singing him songs no i don't want you to sing songs those aren't the songs i want you to sing i want you to sing the songs from the book i don't know where the book is buddy let's just he's like i don't know where the book is you know the book yes i do i know the book i just don't know where the book is i don't like you i don't like your songs he's so mean to me at night and i was just like buddy i know some of the songs from the book so i can just sing them to you fine so then i start singing i'm like um uh he's like muffin man muffin man muffin man like he's in the crowd like he's like calling out songs for me to sing muffin man muffin man i was like all right oh do you know the muffin man and on and on right and then i went from muffin man to uh three blind mice and he just loses his mind he's just like why would you go to three blind mice from muffin man and i was like because it just seemed like a nice song it came into my head i know it's in the book he's like no and i was like fine john jacob jingle hymer and he she was just like get out get out get out get out you can find the book get the book you're not doing it and i was like there is no right i'm just singing songs to you i read you a lot of but i was like listen listen you listen you need to be nice you need to be nice to daddy you need to be really you need to be especially nice to everyone in the world but you need to be super nice to mommy and daddy and emerson and and socks because we're your family and listen i take care of you i just read you five books i just i'm singing your heart out songs and you're you need to be nicer and he was you know what he said no i was just like oh this is not a good debate this is i am not winning this debate currently so i was like fine all right i gave him a kiss in the head i said i love you so much and i'm leaving and i left the room and i went downstairs and i was just like i'm not i that's i'm not doing it not doing it not doing it if i'm gonna give my all and i'm gonna get that kind of response i'm not gonna do it so 10 minutes later daddy he's opened the door gotta go potty all right and we are in we are in the midst of some diaper free zone we have he has pushed the diapers away and he has said i am going for a full night with no diapers which is terrifying he's also going poopy on the potty all on his own decision and out of nowhere three days in we are now you so you run upstairs all right buddy let's go pee boom he goes pee goes back in the room four minutes later daddy gotta go i gotta go poops poops oh okay so you run upstairs you set set everything up get him on the get him on the toilet help him out yes he poops in the potty awesome now when he poops in the potty he gets like a prize a reward or whatever because we're trying to make sure he keeps doing it awesome clean him up wash my hands get him back into bed go downstairs yeah he did it this is this is working out and he was nice all right awesome so that that that worked too that conversation four minutes later door opens again this is the third door open daddy i gotta go poop again he poops again poops again but this poop was everywhere it was it was a back in the bed you don't get a prize this time he's like where's my prize it's like you only get one prize a night one prize you can't just you know break it up into multiple prizes that's not the way it's going to work seven minutes later door opens again he doesn't have to go to the bathroom this time he's just now he's just tested now he's just pushing boundaries and uh his mom goes up and she's oh she's not happy she takes away uh the ducks he got he got a duck a little plastic duck for uh going on the potty ducks gone sprinkles gone uh what's his name chasey gone he's got little uh little stuffed animals and gave them all names and now i gotta know these animals names i can't keep up i don't i can't i went to his school yesterday because he said he wanted to have a play date with a kid and and after school um he calls the kid partner i was just like he was just like i want to have a play date with partner and i was like who's partner that's an awesome name i want to meet a partner and so after school i was just like buddy your partner right and the kid dropped his head looked so sad he was just like no i'm not what like why would you call me partner that's not my name and it was it was some other name like phil or i don't know what his name was but the kid was totally freaked out because i called him the wrong name and i was like buddy it's okay relax it's good whatever your name is

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