Tag: Funny

Bumperpodcast #365 – Holiday Season

Yay! The boys are back in town, and they are excited to talk – and sometimes scream – about the holidays!

The Bumperpodcast is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp around Headquarters, in Coffee-Can Alley, with Natty Bumpercar and his entire gaggle of pals!

You should send us an email to bumperpodcast@nattybumpercar.com. We’re here and we’re listening!

Go like our Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/TheBumperpodcast/)!!

About This Episode

In this special holiday episode of Bumperpodcast, host Natty Bumpercar is joined by two young guests, Emerson and Oliver, for a delightful conversation about Christmas traditions. The trio discusses their family's Elf on the Shelf named "Elfie the Abominable Snow Monster," debates whether Christmas trees grow pine cones, and shares their holiday wish lists. Emerson reveals a preference for LEGOs while Oliver humorously asks for a kitty cat (despite allergies). Rufus T. Rufus makes a brief chaotic appearance when someone mentions "loop." The conversation meanders through topics like chimney cleaning costs, school delays due to ice, and the proper way to say holiday greetings, creating a charming and authentic glimpse into a family's Christmas preparations.

Memorable Quotes

“A baby sister? NO!”
— Oliver

“You can't touch him because he's… the magic is gone and then you no longer have an elf.”
— Emerson

“Did you know the plural form of lego is lego? You don't have to put an s on it. Just lego. It's like if you see one sheep, five sheep.”
— Natty Bumpercar

Topics: #christmas #elfontheshelf #holidaytraditions #family #legos #gifts #santaclaus #kids

Featuring: Natty Bumpercar, Rufus T. Rufus

Full Transcript

Natty Bumpercar: well well well boys and girls ladies and gentlemen it's me natty bumper car and this is the bumper podcast but i can't do this episode by myself because it's a very special episode where i have my very special friends who i helped create in the headquarters studio with me let's introduce them hello there what is your name emerson your name is emerson that's fun what is your name oliver your name is oliver what are you guys here for do you think for the podcast well yes yes you are here for the podcast but what do you think we're gonna that's right it's a christmas podcast it's a christmas miracle and we're talking about our elfer stuff and our yeah you think okay so let's see we'll start off with the christmas stuff because that's what we were talking about for what emerson what's your favorite thing about christmas spending spending getting present oh that's a good answer i'm gonna look over this way um oliver same question what is your favorite thing about christmas like you got talking to the microphone can you say that again family and hanging up my stocking you like hanging up your stuff we haven't done that yet have we have do we even have a christmas tree yes do we we name our christmas no wait what i thought everybody named their christmas tree no it's not i'll say hi piney it's a pine tree yeah i get it hi uh i think i get it um what are they what it's called oh pine cone hi coney like pine cones i don't think i grow them they don't grow pine cones oh christmas trees don't grow pine cones nope man this and so we have

Unknown: our elf so wait what's our elf's name elfi the snow monster elfi the snow monster elfi the

Natty Bumpercar: abominable wait really and you've now we've had him for 10 years he's been around with us his name just changed elfi the abominable yes that's what you named him i didn't name him you did yeah okay how does the elf work what's the deal with that um so we good in our last day wow and does he come every day no oh no what happens oh no oh no oh no and then what happened he didn't come so do you think he goes back to the north pole and talks to santa claus and he's probably heading what no he's no i don't think our elf goes to the sewers it's not town hall town hall that's similar to the

Unknown: sewer maybe maybe he goes maybe he goes back to the sewers

Natty Bumpercar: to the pole yeah i think he goes to the north pole and like to the elf spa and gets like an elf pedicure and manic and like relaxes let's not do that with the trash can um so he brings you guys little presents every day which is very very nice oh you got when did you get that today oh that's cute uh cardinal is a bird oh um and so that's fun so christmas elf and our elf is currently so wait does he is he on the christmas tree every day where does he usually go like a yeah it's hard to keep up with this elf he moves around a lot um and so what else do we oh he got a little cough has he really i wonder what's drawing him no oh you i can't touch him because he's what happens to the elf he's gone magic the magic is gone and then you no longer have an elf you never longer have uh elfie the snowman what do you guys oh sorry elfie the abominable snow monster can't jinx me we're doing a podcast i had to think about it for a second and i'm like oh my god i'm a second but i'm not allowed to talk if you jinx me and this is a pod it's an audio medium yep that means talking talking yeah no one's gonna no one's gonna listen to a podcast if everyone's jinxed and not talking it sounds terrible it sounds better uh emerson what do you want for no i guess you don't uh but do you have stuff in mind for legos oh but now you are telling did you know the plural form of lego is so you don't have to put an s on it no just just lego it's like uh if you see uh one c five yeah so lego is singular and plural it's the same lego logo if you see one logo it's a logo see a lot of logos plural no it's l-o-g-o-s um ollie what do you think you want for a baby sister no oh my goodness that was a big yell uh a kitty cat a family he's allergic oh that's true wow i want i only want eight stuff oh did you really so i guess i wow i think we all win in the end now do you guys feel like have you been good enough this year for yes okay and do you have uh is the chimney been cleaned out nope i think it did get clean we had some gentlemen come out and uh clean our chimney so maybe that'll that's what the new pipe is oh yeah that's the the chimney pipe yeah we got a new pipe for santa claus it's crazy wrong it cost way too um yeah to fix all this stuff that's broken around here whoa a hundred dollars he wants a stack of cash wow that's just stacks on cash and what is it uh we're making money the pyramid mummy oh i got hit in the face that's not nice uh why are we still home guys why is there a delayed opening all the time but there's no snow ice ice ice baby baby ice ice ice baby uh so um yeah there's a lot there but not enough to delay the school opening uh and so we're we're doing this to occupy our time a little bit right yes and uh they are not a sponsor of this podcast so yeah we could just we could just say we're going right and actually i think they changed their name i think that their name is now duncan i don't know if it still has donuts yeah because yeah i don't know i thought i read um so what else is exciting for about the holiday it's the holiday songs and the loop what

Unknown: did somebody say loop over here

Rufus T. Rufus: rufus d rufus that is my name and i heard someone say i'm not gonna have to steal anything that i already own child this is my podcast this is my house and you are my children no and you also cannot yell into the microphone and it did because that's gonna cause legal issues where it was eardrums explode and i had to pay for it can't afford to do these disney fucking people this is excellent oh god this is awkward it looks had to arms to God I just hope he gets the best night out of me this morning I have to go to the martiness stage ouu ok が o ov that's

Natty Bumpercar: so hey no no he didn't did you say loopy loop oh i think i might have been singing a song and i think it might have come um so wait emerson i'm curious that's interesting so you don't say happy holidays what do you say oh merry holidays and you said merry christmas so do you know something really oh well it's merry christmas but i i usually just say i go happy holidays because there's a lot of different holidays that are happening around this and so i want to make sure everybody feels there's uh it's christmas wanza there's hanukkah it is uh a holiday i don't really i don't know a lot about it but well here's a good thing i think i'm going to uh do some research and come back and tell you guys about all the holidays the next time there's also tuesday that's a good holiday

Unknown: yeah isn't it a holiday taco tuesday christmas oh is that day and christmas eve is on that's true

Natty Bumpercar: and what happens on christmas eve yeah it goes away right i know i know what's going on well guys thank you so much that's true thank you so much for being on this show did you have fun today uh are you guys hungry let's go get some food in your belly but listen just throw the food in your belly i'm not gonna do that no way um all right bumper god bumper podcast this is natty bumper car with my little pals emerson and oliver and you guys are amazing

Unknown: you you

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December 19, 2019
Bumperpodcast #364 – Left out

Oh no. Natty left someone out, again. Who is it – and what will the fallout be? Listen to find out!

The Bumperpodcast is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp around Headquarters, in Coffee-Can Alley, with Natty Bumpercar and his entire gaggle of pals!

You should send us an email to bumperpodcast@nattybumpercar.com. We’re here and we’re listening!

Go like our Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/TheBumperpodcast/)!!

About This Episode

In this Thanksgiving-themed episode of Bumperpodcast, Natty Bumpercar faces the wrath of Turkey, who's upset about being excluded from his traditional holiday interview. The situation escalates when it's revealed Natty came down with a mysterious case of "the loop de loo" that caused him to forget everything. Meanwhile, Producer the Frog reveals he's been sleeping in the backyard because no one invited him inside, leading to an emotional workplace revelation. Aloysious J. Pig threatens legal action while everyone learns an important grammar lesson about possessive apostrophes. The chaos concludes with Natty promising a holiday party to make amends with everyone.

Memorable Quotes

“Have you looked around this place? It's a virtual pigsty. That's why I like to come in here as much as I do.”
— Aloysious J. Pig

“I was never invited to stay in here and so everybody else seems to go sleep whatever they want and I have to go sleep in the backyard. It's very cold out there in the snow.”
— Producer

“It's not turkey soup, it's turkey's soup. The Z is very important because that lets us know it's his soup not soup of him.”
— Natty Bumpercar

Topics: #thanksgiving #workplacedynamics #friendship #apologies #holidays #miscommunication #inclusion

Featuring: Natty Bumpercar, Aloysious J. Pig, Doodle Poodle, Producer, Turkey

Full Transcript

Natty Bumpercar: well well well good morning afternoon evening midday brunch lunch dinner night time midnight to you bumper podcast listeners it's me natty bumper car and i

Aloysious J. Pig: hey natty hey pig what's going on you forgot somebody who ah turkey come here

Natty Bumpercar: oh no oh no i'm hi turkey how are you

Doodle Poodle: wow wow he's really heated yeah he's really angry why wow i've never seen such a mad bird i haven't either i want what's the matter turkey why are you so mad i've never seen you get angry before okay oh yeah but but no i'm sorry okay

Natty Bumpercar: that makes sense okay so everybody if you don't speak turkey geese then you don't know what he's saying but turkeys very upset because every single year that we've been doing the bumper podcast around thanksgiving we have him on and we have big interviews we have a big show and evidently this year he got his whole turkey family together all ready for his big bumper podcast interview and then the call never came yes hi natty it's i betty sir and i'm

Producer: very sorry but we have put together a schedule and we are determined that we weren't going to be having the turkey on the show this year i have uh some emails from you which say exactly to the point i don't want that bird in my studio he makes everything very feathery

Aloysious J. Pig: turkey um listen i gotta i might have to take this bird out of studio because you he's getting really angry and i don't blame him did you really say that natty did you really get upset at the turkey because of the feathers in your studio have you looked around this place no it's a virtual pigsty that's why i like to come in here as much as i do okay um it's funny

Natty Bumpercar: um wow uh yee um so turkey i'm really sorry we went through a weird thing this year where i came down with a bad case of some weird thing i don't even remember what it was called was it like banu was that banu no bro

Aloysious J. Pig: you're always totes banu we all know that you equal totes banu however yes i believe if i'm

Producer: looking back through my notes that you buy you came down with a case of the loop de loo and you said the loop de loo and you forgot everything and who you were and everything and whatnot so without being sir

Turkey: yeah i did really

Natty Bumpercar: oh thank you so much turkey it was it was loop de loo and guys turkey has offered to bring me he says it's a magic cure for the loop de loo

Aloysious J. Pig: some of his turkey soup whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa wait a minute you ain't gonna eat no turkey soup turkey's my friend you ain't allowed to eat my friend's bumper car uh now excuse me point of representation point of fact point of uh uh attention uh uh rufus t rufus have heard the term loop de loo uh dis distributed and disinfactuated here in the studio today and i was wondering who exactly was making that referential preferential

Turkey: yeah hey so thank you uh so thank you for clearing that up

Natty Bumpercar: uh turkey so rufus for you uh we were talking about a long time ago with the loop de loo so you don't have to be here you don't have to jump in everything is fine uh pig it's not turkey it's not soup made of turkey which no because he's sitting here and ew right no uh it is soup that turkey has made it's like a special family recipe uh that i will try to be having and i will try to to be enjoying as soon as he brings it and i'm sure it will be delicious and delectable there's no soup like turkeys soup see the z is very important there because that lets us know that it's his soup not soup of him it's not turkey soup it's turkeys soup turkeys right yeah turkeys

Aloysious J. Pig: so if i say uh on the end of something then that means it's mine so let's see here i'm gonna look around the room ah hey if i gotta go to the store i'm gonna take the keys to your cars does that was that work does that make is that what we're doing now i don't understand hey who's chocolaties uh bars uh is this like that i don't know i this is very confusing to me i don't do a lot of gram not a grandma pig if you understand no i i i myself did go to many schools and many times and many variations that's how you achieve the level of latitude that i have now uh let's see here i believe what you're on the path of correctness and the path of righteousness aloysius so without being said t rufus will like the uh the to take all the monies uh out of the the bankers and put it into my wallet like is that what i think is as proper as well i will be taking the dee desires to this houses like that i don't think that's how it works

Turkey: oh

Natty Bumpercar: so awesome i'm glad you guys are all having fun and this is all wonderful

Producer: i am not i don't usually get to participate in these types of things but i feel like it's fun and hard to get involved as well i'm usually just in my producer booth so i'm going to try one for me i would like you to sleep inside the house tonight like that oh ease yeah like that i would like to have to eat take a shower easy and not sleep in the backyard is uh please uh if it pleases you it's very cold out there in the snow it's not again i don't know even know if you knew this snarving everywhere okay i'm a frog but i'd like to sleep inside okay they wanted

Natty Bumpercar: to get that out there so they're all clearing things off of our chests did you said producer this is i'm glad we're bringing this up because i had no idea you were why do you sleep outside we

Producer: have so many rooms here well i was never invited to stay in here and so everybody else seems to go sleep whatever they want and eat whatever they want to do in an hour or more i have to go have myilsty okay but I want, and that's just not who I am, okay?

Aloysious J. Pig: Nanny, it's just not who he is, okay? You ain't gotta frog-secute the guy just because he's got a good spirit and a good heart, okay? Okay.

Natty Bumpercar: Okay, uh, Pig, thank you. You got very emotional for that. That was very sweet of you. Uh, but Frog… My name is Producer. I'm Producer. Yes, Producer. I'm sorry. Thank you. I… Every night when you leave, when you like, wrap up and you're heading home, or what I thought was, like, you say goodbye, and you're like, alright, see everybody later, and you get your stuff and you go out the front door. And so we all thought that you had a house, or maybe you even had a family. We don't know anything about you, so…

Aloysious J. Pig: No, this, no, it seems like it is moving into my purview. Uh, Mr. Producer, would you say that, uh, the Nanny Bumpercon is a affiliate affiliates have, uh, been disregarding you in any way? Because ipso facto, if they have, then that becomes a legal issue that I believe I could represent you properly for. And you know what? At some point, this house is uh, might become your house is uh, my friend, is uh,

Natty Bumpercar: Thank you, Turkey. Yes. So, exactly. So what Turkey just said is the truth and the, and, yes. We just thought that Producer was going somewhere else. Should we have known? Maybe, but he was going out the front door. We never, why would we think he was going to the backyard? That doesn't make any sense. And, you know, I don't know a lot about him, and I feel bad about that, but that's just, uh, you know, we just haven't had, like, personal conversations. He's very professional. He goes into his booth, he does his job, and he's wonderful at it, for the most part, and he, he, that's, that's it, you know? I think we should make time, we're in the holiday season, so maybe we should get together with everyone and have a nice holiday party, and, and we can all get to know each other a little bit better. Wouldn't that be nice? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Aloysious J. Pig: Yeah, of course you're going to be invited, Turkey. I think after this whole debacle that we've, yes, don't worry about it. You're going to be here. What I got to say, Turkey, you're kind of feathering up the joint a little bit. There's a lot of feathers everywhere, okay? So just, if you're going to molt, don't molt here, okay? Uh, I will be awaiting my invitation for this soiree, and, uh, please do run it by my calendar. To make sure I am

Producer: available. I would like to be there, too, if you could please. I would really appreciate just being included, you know, this one time.

Natty Bumpercar: Yeah, okay, everyone's going to be included, and I'm sorry if anyone felt like they were left out, and you're all awesome. All of you.

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December 11, 2019
Bumperpodcast #358 – Who am I anyway?!

What in the world is going on with Natty? He wakes up, and doesn’t know where he is – who he is – or who anyone else is. Seriously. What is going on?!?

The Bumperpodcast is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp around Headquarters, in Coffee-Can Alley, with Natty Bumpercar and his entire gaggle of pals!

You should send us an email to bumperpodcast@nattybumpercar.com, or to call in and leave a message – 646.847.7976. We’re here and we’re listening!

Go like our Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/TheBumperpodcast/)!!

About This Episode

In episode 358 of Bumperpodcast, chaos erupts when Natty Bumpercar suddenly loses all memory and doesn't recognize his own show or his best friend Aloysius J. Pig. When lawyer Rufus T. Rufus attempts to claim ownership of the podcast by invoking a legal clause about going "loop-de-loop," Aloysius becomes suspicious. With the help of art therapist Doodle Poodle and his superior canine sense of smell, they discover evidence in the trash: a container of two-year-old broccoli cheese soup with purple felt attached—matching Rufus's jacket. The gang exposes Rufus's scheme to poison Natty and steal the show. This hilarious whodunit adventure features classic Bumperpodcast absurdity as the crew solves the mystery and restores Natty's world.

Memorable Quotes

“If Natty Pumpercat ever goes a loop-de-loop, a loop-de-loop, then all of the properties, you understand, are handed over.”
— Rufus T. Rufus

“I'm not a person. I'm a dog. I'm a talking dog. I'm a dog who doodles.”
— Doodle Poodle

“I think I would have gotten away with it, you understand? If it wasn't for all of these crazy dogs and crazy pigs and whatnot and et cetera.”
— Rufus T. Rufus

Topics: #amnesia #mystery #friendship #betrayal #lawyerjokes #arttherapy #comedy

Featuring: Aloysius J. Pig, Natty Bumpercar, Doodle Poodle

Full Transcript

Aloysius J. Pig: Where have I… Where am I? Where have I been? I'm so confused. Hey, what's… Pumpercat, what are you doing? And who… What are you doing? Who are you anyway? What do you mean, who am I? What do you mean? What are you doing? Are you talking all weird? I don't know. It's me, your best friend in the whole wide world. It's Aloysius J. Pig. I don't know. What is wrong with you anyways, huh? You got a weird look in your eyes? I don't know. Are you okay? You're sweating a little bit? Are you okay?

Natty Bumpercar: You're a talking pig. I don't understand it at all. It doesn't make any sense to me. Nothing is making any sense. I'm so confused right now.

Aloysius J. Pig: Bro, I need you just to relax. This is clearly outside of my pay grade. Hold on one second. I need a little bit of help here. I need a little bit of help here. Pumpercat's gonna loop-de-loop. Now, excuse me. I heard you said you need a little bit of help over here. Now, is this something that a legal guardian of legalities could be assisting? Assistance? And you will, exactly? Is that something that his eye? Mr. Rufus T. Rufus. I may have to help you out as much as I can.

Natty Bumpercar: Everybody here talks just so much, but I'm so glad that you're here. That pig was just talking at me. He was saying words that I don't understand. Oh, man. I don't know where I am, and I'm really confused. Can I get some help if you could please just help me out, please?

Aloysius J. Pig: Rufus, you see what I'm talking about? He's gone on a loop-de-loop. He's gone on a loop-de-loop. Yeah, right. He's gone straight loop-de-loop, and that is a legal term. And by the letter of my contract, it says here, let's see, page 14, paragraph 77, addendum 4BXYZ. If Natty Pumpercat ever goes a loop-de-loop, a loop-de-loop, then all of the properties, you understand, are handed over. Handed over? Are passed over. What are you talking about? What do you mean? No, what do you mean by that? No, that's what I'm saying to you. I don't understand. He's fine. Something's just off-kilter. I walked in the room. He seems a little, you know, confused. I'll say confused. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. And maybe, you know, I did say he loop-de-looped, but maybe I didn't know the exact term. I didn't realize that was a legal term. It is. And now you're coming in here. So who exactly does all of this transfer to, huh? Well, now, as the instigator of the implication of his registrar… Now, in the whole legalese terminologies, what I have to tell you, my friend, is that it all actually, in actuality, reverts and processes and proceeds into my account. You understand? I don't… As the legal guardian, the signature, as the writer of the rules, if Natty Pumpercat ipso facto does go on a loop-de-loop, then all of this becomes… …under my transpire so that I can aspire to keep the wheels. I disagree. I'm moving on. You understand? I disagree. I don't know what you're talking about, lawyer Mr. His name is Rufus T. Rufus. But I just, I woke up, I was here, there was a microphone, this pig… That's me. …came in, and I'm still trying to wrap my head around that. And I don't know what, what's a bumper car? You are. I don't know what that is. I don't know what that is. I don't know what that is. Natty Pumpercar, that's you. Okay. Yeah, that's who you are. But I don't, I don't know what's happening, so I'm a little bit confused. I'm a little bit, I don't understand. I think we're all, we all need to calm down. We all need to take a couple of steps back here. I want you to put those legal documents away or I'm gonna, I'm gonna scoot you out of the room. Excuse yourself. I want you just to breathe a little bit. There you go, just breathe. There you go, just breathe. Now breathe a little bit. What, what? Now breathe a little bit. There you go, there you go, okay. I feel better. I've got another idea.

Doodle Poodle: And, oh, what perfect timing. It's me. You're the person I was just about to come and get. Oh no, oh no. I'm not a person. Did I make you that way? Hup, hup. He's a dog. I'm a dog. I'm a talking dog. No, no, no. I'm a dog who doodles. What? Huh? What?

Natty Bumpercar: What are you? It's me. Doodle doodle.

Aloysius J. Pig: I don't know anything. Hup, hup. I don't know what's happening. There's now a talking dog and a talking pig and this. Uh. Okay. I should be breathing. I should be. I can't breathe. Um, so. I'm having a panic attack. I'm having. Naughty. I'm freaking out. I think I need to. Can I just lay down for a second?

Doodle Poodle: I think you're going to be okay. What? I feel like. Have you gone a little bit loop-de-loop?

Aloysius J. Pig: That's exactly what I said. There's the word. There's the legal term. There was now three people. Pigs and dogs have all agreed that the loop-de-loop process is in session. No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. He didn't. He didn't know what he was saying. He's a crazy dog who makes drawings. Just let this leave him be. Now, doodle-poodle. I need you to do some sort of art therapy with Bumpercar because he's confused. He ain't know where he is. He ain't know who I am. He ain't know who you is. He ain't know nothing. All right? So, see if you can get him to do some remembering. Maybe through some drawings or something like that.

Doodle Poodle: You understand? I understand. That's why I brought you in. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. So, Maddie Bumpercar is your name. And what I want you to do is just start saying some words. Okay. And what I'm going to do is make some doodles. And then I'm going to put all your memory brain marbles back together. And you're going to be totally fine. I swear. Okay.

Aloysius J. Pig: Okay. Okay. Okay. I'm just going to accept this. Okay. Okay. That is happening. I'm just going to accept that I'm talking to a pig who says he's my best friend. I am. Uh-huh. Yep. And I'm going to accept that there's a dog who's going to try to do some art therapy on me. Perfecto. And we're going to see what happens. Yeah. Okay. Okay. So, start talking. All right. So, I woke up. I woke up here. In this place with the microphones and everything. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. I don't remember anything before I woke up. All right, so listen here. If you don't remember nothing, then this is it. That's the end of the story, and I believe we can put the pencils and the crayons and the cray-pars away because this is a dead end. The man has gone loop-de-loop, and we don't have any repercussions, so we should sign the papers. Just here, why don't you take that crayon and sign this paper, and everything will be done and fine and good and perfect and good and plenty. I don't trust none of this. I don't trust you, Rufus. I don't trust what's happening here. None of this makes no sense. Keep talking to the dog bumper car. We're going to get to the bottom of this. We're going to figure this out. You understand? We're going to get to the bottom of this. But that's everything I remember. I woke up. We're getting some good stuff here. And I was sitting in this chair, and there's a microphone, and the lights are on, and I can't think of anything else. I can't think of anything else. I can't think of anything. Wait. I do remember a smell. So the lights are on. I was sitting here. There was no sound. Okay. But there was an odd smell. Oh. But then you came in, pig. Huh? Pig. Yeah, Aloysius. Okay, and I thought it was maybe you. Wait, what? I'm sorry. I apologize. I bathe. I'm a pig, but I do bathe. You understand? I have my own en suite where I can go in and use the air. It's the restroom. I take showers, everything. We're good. Now, what was this smell? Hold on one second. Where do you think it was coming from? We don't need to worry about no smells. We don't need to. I say the smell is well, and there will dwell. You see? So we don't need to think about any smells or nothing like that. I think this is an open and shut case.

Doodle Poodle: Well, wait a minute. This is done. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Not only am I a dog that makes doodles, but I'm also just a dog. And I have a really good nose. So I'm just going to smell around and see if I can find this. Wait a minute. What is this?

Aloysius J. Pig: No. What is this in the trash can? This is inadmissible. This is incontrovertible. This is nothing at all. We should not be digging through the garbage. What are we, garbage men and pigs and dogs? No, no, no, no, no. Away from that garbage can. Come on now. Now, scoot.

Doodle Poodle: Everybody, scoot.

Aloysius J. Pig: You scoot.

Doodle Poodle: You scoot. What is that? That's a container of that old broccoli cheese soup that has been in the freezer for two years.

Aloysius J. Pig: I don't… Vampica, please tell me you didn't eat that, did you? I don't know. I don't remember, honestly.

Natty Bumpercar: But I do have a weird taste in my mouth. So maybe I did. But if it was in the freezer for so long,

Aloysius J. Pig: then why would I have eaten that? I never would have eaten that. That doesn't make any sense at all. Unless… Let me see that container. Holy cannoli. It has got a piece of purple felt on it. I am looking directly across the room at you, Mr. Rufus T. Rufus, wearing a purple felt jacket.

Doodle Poodle: I believe, sir, that this is an open and shut case. Hold on, guys. You're all talking too quickly, and I'm still trying to draw all this. And I don't just… Hold on. I got… I got a stroke off for Natty's head. And then we were talking about felt. I don't know how to draw fabric, necessarily. And it's just… There's a lot going on right now. So… They like it all to slow down a bit.

Aloysius J. Pig: Now, Mr. Aloysius J. Big, what I understand that you are saying is that you are pointing at me as the pro-quentin-twatter… Quentin… And it's a word. Pro-quentin-twatter of this crime. You're saying that I am a despicable. But what I want you to realize… Is that when you point your hoof, there are other fingers, hoofs, pointing back… No, I don't understand. That doesn't work. When you point your finger… One for… There's four fingers pointing back at you. But when you point your hoof, it's just kind of a… I guess they're all… So you are. You're all… You're pointing everything at me right now. Yes, indeedy-doodle. I sure am. I'm… So, I… If I'm to understand this correctly…

Unknown: Whew.

Aloysius J. Pig: You're my best… You're my best friend, Aloysius J. Pig. You are my lawyer, Rufus T. Rufus. You have papers right there that you're ready for me to sign to turn everything over to you. If I go loop-de-loop… And we find in this trash can a container of some two-year-old soup… That has… The same kind of fabric… That's on your jacket on it. Which makes me think that maybe… You served me this old soup…

Natty Bumpercar: Which caused me… To go a little bit loop-de-loop. Is that what happened? Are you trying to take over everything?

Aloysius J. Pig: Are you trying to take over… What is this thing called? This is called a bumper podcast. Yeah, this is called a bumper podcast. And I do believe that I will be making my ex-zones… And I think I would have gotten… Away with it, you understand? If it wasn't for all of these crazy dogs and crazy pigs and whatnot and… Et cetera.

Doodle Poodle: Well, you better… You better scoot, buddy. You better scoot out of here. Because I don't like what you did to Nanny. And I wasn't even able to make a good drawing. I only got to use my nose. And I'm not nosy, poodle. I'm doodle, poodle.

Aloysius J. Pig: Wow. This is… This is the world I live in? You guys are going to have to, like, re-educate me and tell me how this stuff works. Because I am so confused right now. And I… I'm really sorry that I forgot you. And that I forgot everything.

Unknown: And…

Aloysius J. Pig: Did we record all of this? Yeah, it's basically what we do. We come up with nutty, crazy stuff every couple weeks or so. And then people listen to it and it's all fun. It's all good. You're fine. Don't worry. You're fine. This really isn't that far out of the realm for what we normally do. If I'm to be honest. I absolutely concur on… Well, fine. We told you to scoot. I thought we were all kidding around. I thought we were all joking, etc. I thought we were just playing around. No. No, no, no. All right, everybody. Well, I guess… I guess I'm Natty Bumpercar. And I guess this is the Bumper Podcast. And I hope you had a good time. And I hope you had fun. And I want you to know that I think we're all best friends, right? Yeah. Okay.

Unknown: We'll see you next time.

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August 9, 2019
Bumperpodcast #352 – Whispering

There is a LOT of whispering on today’s episode of the Bumperpodcast – and, why is that? Well – you’ll have to listen to find out. It’s quite the story!

The Bumperpodcast is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp around Headquarters, in Coffee-Can Alley, with Natty Bumpercar and his entire gaggle of pals!

You should send us an email to bumperpodcast@nattybumpercar.com, or to call in and leave a message – 646.847.7976. We’re here and we’re listening!

Go like our Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/TheBumperpodcast/)!!

About This Episode

In episode #352 of Bumperpodcast, Natty Bumpercar explains why everyone needs to be quiet at headquarters – there's a new puppy! Natty recounts the emotional story of how the Bumpercar family spontaneously adopted a beagle-black lab mix puppy after an eventful Saturday that included buying a basketball goal, renting a truck, and visiting a pet store. The episode details the heartwarming moment when young Oliver broke down crying at the thought of not getting the puppy, leading to family interviews and the ultimate decision to bring her home. Natty hilariously compares puppy ownership to having a newborn baby, complete with sleepless nights, bathroom accidents, and the puppy trying to eat everything in sight – including Natty's nose.

Memorable Quotes

“If she keeps growing every ten days, doubling up on her puppyhood, then I would say we maybe have eight months until she's as big as the house.”
— Natty Bumpercar

“The mommy dog stuck her nose onto the cage. And baby puppy stuck her nose onto her mommy's nose. And she let out a whimper. It was the saddest, cutest, saddest, saddest thing I've ever seen.”
— Natty Bumpercar

“She goes to the bathroom in the house constantly. Human babies did that, too. But they had diapers. She doesn't.”
— Natty Bumpercar

Topics: #puppies #petadoption #family #parenting #sleepdeprivation #dogs #petstore

Featuring: Natty Bumpercar

Full Transcript

Natty Bumpercar: Everybody has to be super duper quiet on the bumper podcast today. Hi everybody, it's me, Maddie Bumpercar, and I'm sure you're wondering, why are we having to be so quiet? Are we playing a game of hide and seek? No. Did we just put a cake in the oven and we don't want to scare it and have it fall? No. I wish we would have done that, now that I think about it. I would love to have some cake right now. Does anybody have any cake out there? No? Alright. Alright. Well, listen. Here's the reason why we have to be super duper quiet right now. There's a new baby at headquarters. There's a new baby! Okay, it's not really a baby, if I'm to be completely honest. But it's very small. And it's kind of like a baby. It's a puppy! We got a new puppy! I'm so excited. I can't even tell you. I don't think she can hear me. But maybe she can. She's got really good ears. She's a beagle, black lab, and we got her when she was eight weeks old. She was so tiny, and we've already had her for ten days, and she's already doubled in size. What that means is where there was one puppy. There are now two. And if she keeps growing every ten days, doubling up on her puppyhood, then I would say we maybe have eight months until she's as big as the house. So, I'm kind of hoping that doesn't happen. She was the runt of her litter, which means she was the smallest one. I'll tell you the whole story, okay? So, we had a big Saturday. I had purchased a basketball goal. It was already put together. But there was no way for me to get it home. My original plan was to walk the basketball goal the one and a half miles back to my house. But everyone said that's the worst idea ever. And I wasn't allowed to do it, which is fine, because it probably would have been the end of me. So, I said, okay, I'll come back tomorrow with a truck. I don't have a truck. But I went to the tool store, and I got a truck, and I loaded it up with all kinds of topsoil and peat moss and cow manure and raised bed soil. And I got a truck. And I loaded it up with all kinds of topsoil and peat moss and cow manure and raised bed soil. And two raised beds and all kinds of stuff. I loaded the whole truck up, and then I drove to the basketball goal. And the man who had sold it to me said, hey, I hurt my back. I can't help you put this in there. So then I had to lift the entire basketball goal all by myself into the truck. So what's going on, muscle bumper car? And then I drove it home, and I unloaded the truck. And I picked the basketball goal. And I put it over our fence, and I set it up. And then I cleaned the truck out, and I said, okay, bumper family, we're all getting into this truck, and we're taking a trip. And the kids got very excited, because they'd never ridden in a truck before. This was a huge day. We got a basketball goal. We're riding in a truck. And then after that, we went and got Mexican food. And they love Mexican food. They eat guacamole more than anyone I've ever seen. I love guacamole. They're probably, if they did a DNA test, they would come back at least 28% avocado. So we went, and they were just having the best day. And then we went to a little store that they didn't really want to go to. And then Ollie said, hey, let's go to the pet store and look at dogs. And I said, okay, because that's something we do. We treat the pet store like the free zoo, where we go. And we look at all the fish, and the iguanas, and the chinchillas, and the birds. And they were having cat adoption day. So there was a whole section of kitty cats. And we went, and we talked to the kitty cats. And there was one named Bowman, who was super cute, and who I wanted a lot. But Ollie's very allergic to cats. But he likes cats. So he was touching them, and touching them, and then touching his eyes. And then his eyes got all big and puffy. So then we had to go wash his face and his hands. Fine. And then we turned the corner, and there were more kitty cats to adopt. And so we looked at them for a second. And then way down at the end of the hall, there was a little cage. And in that cage was a little puppy, a little black puppy. And so we went all the way over to it, and she was so adorably cute. So we sat down, and we're talking to her, and we're playing with her. And this man was talking about her. And you know, there were two pregnant moms. Mom dogs that we found. And these are the puppies of one of the moms. Her two brothers got adopted already today. And oh, hey, look. Here comes mom. And so this family comes out with this mommy dog. And the mommy dog, it was the saddest thing I've ever seen. It was so nice that she was being adopted. But as they were leaving, the family said, oh, we should let you say goodbye to your baby. And so the mommy went over to the cage. And stuck her nose onto the cage. And baby puppy stuck her nose onto her mommy's nose. And she let out a whimper. She went like that. It was the saddest, cutest, saddest, saddest thing I've ever seen. At that point, I was like, oh, no. We might be in trouble now. So then I said, well, hey, can we walk around with this puppy? Can we play with it a little bit? Just to kind of see, you know? And they were like, yeah, you just got to fill out this paperwork. And I was like, OK. And they were like, even if you don't get it, you know, it's in our records. So you're good to go if you ever want to adopt. And I was like, OK. That works. And so I fill everything out. You have to put down phone numbers of friends who will say nice things about you. I didn't think anything of it. So but we were in the corner playing. And I even told them, hey, we just want to play with the puppy. Not sure if we're getting the puppy. Just looking. Just looking at the puppy. And then we were in the corner. And we're playing with a puppy. And someone came over. And they said, hey, your references. The phone numbers. The phone numbers that you put down. The people aren't answering. And I was like, oh, I didn't know you were actually calling them. I thought that we were just kind of looking. But here, I'll text everyone and just let them know what's going on. OK, thanks, she said. Now Ollie heard me say, we're just looking at the puppy. And we might not get it. And he got sadder than I've ever seen him get in my life. He went over into a corner. And he had his knees towards the corner, all tucked up. And his arms were over his knees. And his head was on his arms. And he started crying so hard that he was doing little hyperventilation. So little, like that. Very, very, very sad. So I went and talked to him. And I said, what's the matter, buddy? And he said, you said we were getting the puppy. And now we're not getting the puppy. And I want the puppy. And just, oh, it was heartbreaking. So I said to my wife, we might be getting a dog. Today, you know? And so then we had a little conversation about it. And then what we did is we each took one of the kids. I took Oliver. She took Emerson. And we interviewed them. And I said, what are you most excited about with this puppy? And, you know, I got his answers. And he was excited just to have the puppy because it would be fun. And it would be sweet. And it would be cute. And he was worried that it would make messes, basically. And then I switched. And I took Emerson. And she took Oliver. And Emerson was also, he was worried that the puppy might bite people and that it might make messes in the house. And he was just excited because he really liked the puppy, basically. So then we all got together as a family. And we compared notes. And we kind of just decided. We had been at the pet store for over an hour, like an hour and a half, making this decision. And we went back over. And we said, we'll take the puppy. And so now we have a puppy. And here's what they didn't tell me, which I didn't know because I don't think I've ever had a puppy. Maybe. Maybe I have. I don't remember. But they don't sleep. She doesn't. It's like having a newborn baby in the house. That's why I stopped whispering. And now I'm talking because I realized she doesn't let me sleep. Maybe I shouldn't let her sleep, right? She goes to bed at around 8.30. And then wakes up at around 11, which is when I tend to go to bed. So I take her out. And then 11. Then like 1, then like 3. And then she's finally up at 5, 5.30. This is for the last 9, 10 days that I've been doing this. And I have never been, well, I was going to say never been more tired. But I waited. I've actually had human babies. And they do very similar things. She's also, she goes to the bathroom in the house constantly. Human babies did that, too. But they had diapers. She doesn't. The other thing she does, she eats everything, cords, papers. She gets into it all. And she even tried to eat me. That's right. She tried to eat my sweet little nose. And what's her name? Oh, we made a video about that. You should watch it. Or I guess I could just tell you, right? Her name is…

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June 6, 2019
Bumperpodcast #327 – Is This Podcast Scripted?

Natty Bumpercar and Pig get into a real row over the mailroom, and why people aren’t checking their mail slots. This bickering brings Rufus T. Rufus back to the show – where he lets everyone in on some secret learning that he’s been up to.

The Bumperpodcast is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp around Headquarters, in Coffee-Can Alley, with Natty Bumpercar and his entire gaggle of pals!

You should send us an email to bumperpodcast@nattybumpercar.com, or to call in and leave a message – 646.847.7976. We’re here and we’re listening!

Go like our Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/TheBumperpodcast/)!!

About This Episode

In Bumperpodcast episode 327, Natty Bumpercar makes a shocking revelation that throws the entire show into chaos: the podcast has been scripted all along! Aloysious J. Pig is stunned to discover there's a mail room with scripts he's never checked, leading to a heated debate about unpaid rent and missing cable channels. Rufus T. Rufus arrives as the show's lawyer and newly certified IT overlord, threatening legal action over contract violations. The episode devolves into arguments about lease agreements, allowances, and whether anyone actually listens to the show. Natty shares a heartwarming story about helping a lost stranger, pleading for everyone to just be nice to each other. The chaos concludes with promises of newsletters, wiki pages, and mail chimp subscriptions to finally get the show organized.

Memorable Quotes

“It is 100% scripted and if you check your cubby in the mail room that's where all the scripts have been for every single episode and if you're not checking them then I'm assuming there's just a huge pile.”

— Natty Bumpercar

“Nobody listens to this show. I mean we've been looking at the numbers, the downloads, all of your analytic metrics. I know a few more words now because I took class at the mall.”

— Rufus T. Rufus

“You got to help people, you got to help strangers because you don't know what situation they're in and you don't know if one day you're going to be in a situation where you need help too.”

— Natty Bumpercar

Topics: #scriptedvsimprovised #rentdispute #legalcontracts #mailroom #kindness #helpingstrangers #behindthescenes #showbusiness

Featuring: Natty Bumpercar, Aloysious J. Pig

Full Transcript

Natty Bumpercar: uh so hey everybody it's me natty bumper car and this is well you know what this is this is the bumper podcast because you can hear me lisping so you obviously automatically are like oh this is the show where the host and every person on it lisps even if they're a robot or a pig cool well i'm a little bit uh i have a kerfuffle i was uh i was going through the uh the script for today

Aloysious J. Pig: and bro did you just say there's a script hey pig yeah hey it's me aloysius j pig um did you just say that there was a script for this show this is just what what are you talking about there's no

Natty Bumpercar: way this is scripted bro it is 100 scripted and if you check your cubby uh that's where in the mail room that's where all the scripts have been for every single episode and if you're not checking them then i'm assuming there's just a huge pile i don't know wait is this why you haven't been paying your rent you've never actually even paid your rent this doesn't make any come on dude there's a mail room

Aloysious J. Pig: you've got a mail slot it goes into a cubby okay first things first no one ever told me that i was gonna have to pay for this and if they did i probably would have lived somewhere else okay because let's be honest the accommodations

Natty Bumpercar: maybe ain't as up to snuff as you think today is and by the way if i were to pay rent i would expect some things some frivolities if you will i would expect a stocked refrigerator i would expect the bathroom to be caked in mud because you know what pigs like a little bit of a mud bath and uh there's some other things too okay i don't think i get all the channels what do you mean you'll get all the channels we get all the channels we get the big package are you sure yes i'm positive i check seriously all you should you want to go through it right now no not right now well when do you want to do this because if we're going to do this like if we're going to be complaining about everything here at headquarters then i don't maybe that we start there we start with the channels and we work our way from uh zero there ain't no zero that's just okay fine yeah well we start from wherever the channels start and we go all the way through them well if you ain't got zero today at all yeah i see see how it works bumper car you said you got to go through it all the channels and then i caught you in a loophole and now your contract is expired and now not only did i not pay rent but i will be seeing you in a court of law whereby i believe you will owe me some sort of restitution for the pain and suffering that i have experienced since i have been living here so wait just because you don't have the zeros exactly that doesn't come on got the double o channel zero okay no it's not okay and i i don't i'm oh no this is not how i wanted my i hello rufus rufus lawyer to headquarters for all of our legal woes that is exactly correct it is i rufus t rufus and i've jumped into the fray this morning i am uh if i can stand the heat and so i will be staying in the kitchen the pot is on the stove and the burner is on high and there is oil in the pan with a little bit of butter so that it doesn't uh smoke and so you'll get your flavor and i'm gonna hop in to that hot pan in that hot oil on that hot stove in that hot kitchen because again oh rufus t rufus can take the heat and now what i understand first things first stop stop stop how come i never got a script for this show huh what are you talking about if i'm the lawyer i feel like i should be reading and resuscitating the words that are going to be spoken on a weekly basis are you supposed to be checking your uh mail slot evidently have you been to the mail i didn't even know it was a mail room evidently there's some sort of uh money that's to someone i'm not entirely sure okay listen both of you just stop there's no legal issues pig i will go to the mail room we'll go through the scripts we can organize them and then you can actually check them out and look and see what's there and what's kind of what i mean every week i send you guys stuff i always wonder why things go off the rails and now i know ah completely scripted from the first episode the bumper podcast i had it's uh you know it's got everyone's name who's supposed to be on it it's got like the synopsis of the beginning of the episode and you know it ah this is so i put in so much work i type those out manually individual every single one i type out manually on a typewriter because i don't want there to be a digital copy because then that's going to leak out on the internet and everyone's going to know what the episode is all about and you know if you spoilers but if you put that stuff out then people aren't going to listen because they're like why would i bother listening to your episode if i already know exactly what's going on and i'm not going to be able to listen to it what's going to happen give it give it give it give it hold on son now son now son now say listen to me uh nobody listens to this show i mean we've been looking at the numbers we've been looking at the downloads we've been looking at all of your analytic metrics i know a few more words now than i used to know because i took class at the mall where they told me i am now officially certified not only to be your lawyer but also to be your lawyer also to be your information technology overlord so i can what i can do is i can boot up a server for you i can boost your ram i can change the batteries in your mouth i can do all of these things on top of providing with you the best lawyering in this town in this whole place so back to square one when this show started i was under the interpretation that this was an improvised show and that there would be no scripting because you see that requires a completely different contract from the players now that would be mr doodle pooter that would be mr robot that would be whatever that uh that that that that that pirate man was called i believe there was other cat anyway anyone who's been on this show will have to sign this on the dotted line you understand that it's not exactly a dotted line it's a straight line very thin looks a little bit dotted in the right light but you understand i will put a post-it note with an arrow pointing to where they need to sign you understand and if they don't sign my friend every single episode is

Aloysious J. Pig: gonna have to go ah bah bah now you say now that sounds like a threat like he's gonna take every single episode of the bubba podcast away

Natty Bumpercar: but to me it sounds like you're doing a service to the community it sounds like you're helping people out you're like i'm gonna there's this flotsam there's this jetsam uh floating around the ocean i'm gonna take it out and we're gonna clean it up so that the whales don't eat uh whatever you're putting out okay so that's environmentally friendly it's environmentally safe and i like it i appreciate it rupes not only are you our it overlord not only are you our employer but evidently you're also our uh environmental wizard so thank you so much for keeping the planet fresh and safe for me and mine no totally in the time okay if you say me and mine that's putting on an assumption that there's more than there's just you there's just you there's you don't go out of the house i mean which is cool it's fine i'm just saying and i don't know why i'm sticking on that it's my sticking point because i'm kind of freaking out rufus you can't keep coming into the show and threatening to take the whole show away that makes you the villain of the show which is fine i guess because people seem to like villains these days why do people like why do people have to be mean to people we don't need villains the world is tough enough i always say that everyone should be nice to each other why just the other day i had to drop my car off at the shop because it had a hole in the tire and i said the guy well how long do you think this will take he said well there's a lot of cars in front of you probably a couple hours and i was like whoa until you can even see it he was like yeah and so i walked two miles home good for me right uphill both ways but on the walk home uh there was a woman who was kind of lost seeming and kind of she was and i was like hey how can i help you and she had ridden the bus and the bus dropped her off at the wrong place and she was like how do i get to and she told me the name of the place and so i found it on the map and i was like see this blue dot here that's you you're i'm a blue dot and i was like i know i'm a blue dot too maybe we're both blue dots i don't know and i was like but see this red dot and she's like yeah and i was like that's where you gotta go and she's like that looks far and i was like it is 2.14 miles and she was like nope but here's the thing i took her back to the bus stop because she had an hour and a half and i said just wait here when the bus comes make sure you get off i told her where to get off and i made her day because why because you got to help people you got to help strangers because you know you don't know what situation they're in and you don't know if one day you're going to be in a situation where you need help too and so then what do you do you're going to look for somebody to help you and hopefully the world's going to be a nice place and it's going to help you out as opposed to somebody coming in and threatening to take away my podcast which is this episode 327 and i haven't even gotten to i'm riled i'm a little bit riled now i haven't even gotten to the whole paying rent thing listen um i was looking through i went back down to the mail room while you was yipping and yapping and i found some papers and i found there was a lease agreement that was never signed i never saw that and so my assumption is and also i thought i was supposed to be getting an allowance to help you out with all these escapades that you put forth see none of that so what i propose is clean slate wipe it clean tabula rasa and then we move forward i don't owe you nothing you don't currently owe me nothing but that will you know it's going to build up the more i talk on the show and then we just go from there now gentlemen i understand i'm listening and it makes sense to me what i've done is i have uh signed up for mail chimp and i'm going to start a newsletter that's going to have a full list of people that are going to be in the i will send it to both of you you will fill out this form and this will act as a contract which i will store in the cloud and my documents in the cloud i will send you the password protected excel spreadsheet file and i believe that that's going to clarify everything and if you check my wiki page and you understand that's going to be all on there for y'all to read now if you need to and then you could move that forward as well i'm very nimble might you understand i gotta be quick and be ready to move i'm actually astounded that you knew all those words those are very technical words you really that mall class really did you right fine all right we're going to figure all this out you're going to send the form i'm going to read your wiki we're going to do all that we're going to push it on get whatever all that stuff is right and um next week though i would very much appreciate it if you guys could check your mail slots because we'll have the script and we'll have in there it's usually there by wednesday or thursday so that you guys can get into character and figure out what you're supposed to be talking about and if you have to research anything i don't know how method you are for your uh podcasting but i feel like we're on the right track now finally and moving forward i'm pretty sure that things are gonna be amazing

Unknown: you

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June 15, 2018