Tag: family life

Bumperpodcast #431 – Season 3 – Attendance

“Attendance” is a lively and humorous episode from the Bumperpodcast, an improvised comedy podcast that takes place in the quirky town of Coffee-Can Alley. In this episode, Natty Bumpercar takes center stage as he delves into a range of comical topics, including the trials and tribulations of dealing with messy children, the absurdity of promotions, and the hilarity of receiving awards.

As Natty shares his hilarious anecdotes and observations, listeners are treated to a blend of witty banter and relatable humor. With his unique storytelling style and knack for finding humor in everyday situations, Natty’s comedic charm shines through. The episode invites you into the whimsical world of Coffee-Can Alley, where anything can happen, and laughter is guaranteed.

“Attendance” captures the essence of the Bumperpodcast, offering a lighthearted and entertaining experience for comedy enthusiasts. With its blend of improvisation and clever comedic insights, this episode is a delightful addition to the show’s repertoire. So sit back, relax, and join Natty Bumpercar as he takes you on a hilarious journey through the ups and downs of messy children, promotions, and the whimsical world of Coffee-Can Alley.

You should send us an email to bumperpodcast@nattybumpercar.com. We’re here and we’re listening!

Go like our Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/TheBumperpodcast/)!! Also, The Bumperpodcast can now be found on the https://non-productive.com/ network. Yay!!!! Also, also, we have a Patreon page now!!! https://www.patreon.com/nattybumpercar

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About This Episode

In this episode of Bumperpodcast, Natty Bumpercar hilariously recounts the chaos of end-of-school-year ceremonies and his messy household. With kids tracking mud and wet clothes throughout the house and using hundreds of towels, Natty compares his laundry routine to painting a bridge. He describes attending his younger child's fourth-grade promotion ceremony and clap-out celebration, complete with a bubble machine, then rushing 40 minutes to his older child's awards ceremony. Despite the frantic schedule and uncertainty about which award his son would receive, Natty manages to arrive just in time to film his child winning the attendance award. The episode captures the exhausting but heartwarming reality of parenting during the busy school year's end.

Memorable Quotes

“I'm not saying that my house is a disaster area but a FEMA trailer did just pull up in our driveway.”
— Natty Bumpercar

“We went through 800 towels. It was like when they paint bridges – they start at one end and by the time they get to the other side, it's time to go back to the beginning again.”
— Natty Bumpercar

“He won an award for attendance. We came down, we rushed down for that. It was great.”
— Natty Bumpercar

Topics: #parenting #schoolceremonies #householdchaos #endofschoolyear #familylife #attendanceawards #summer

Featuring: Natty Bumpercar

Full Transcript

Natty Bumpercar: i i'm not saying that my house is is a disaster a disaster area but a uh a fema trailer did just pull up in our driveway uh it's it's pretty uh it's pretty messy pretty pretty bad pretty it's been raining a lot the children go out of the house into the house out of the house into the house sometimes out of the back door around into the front door sometimes if it's not raining and you're like oh well at least we're not gonna have muddy footprints they'll run out there they'll jump in our it's not even a pool it's a it's a puddle they'll jump in the puddle and then they'll they'll run back in and when it's when it's that then they're also wearing a lot of wet clothes and and so as they're running with feet they're also just just throwing their clothes all around the house shirts are hanging on lamps there's uh bathing suits that are just you know just been tossed wherever they land uh towels so the last week we had a day where we went through 800 towels now we don't have 800 towels in our house you know i but we have we just keep we keep washing them and drying them over and over it was just this constant cycle it it was like when they paint bridges they start at one end of the bridge and they start painting and then by the time they get to the other side of the bridge then they know it's time to go back to the beginning again because that's how long it takes evidently and so it's just this constant cycle and that's how we were with towels uh and then they're like i want to take a shower i'm like oh my gosh you just came in from the pool you just came in from rain why do you why why do you need to spread more uh moisture around my house it's too much the uh and you know they they like to take uh they'll take baths and then they throw toys in the bathtub and so then you can't go and take a shower yourself because it's just it's become a toy bin a bin of of wet toys i know i sound like i'm complaining a lot well that's because i am um here's the thing though we're heading into summer school is over the younger one just moved from fourth grade to fifth grade they had something called a promotion you've been promoted congratulations did i get a raise no did i get a corner office no of course not you didn't get a corner office but you got a promotion do i get to wear a mortise and pestle whatever the thing the little the hat and wait mortise and i don't know the uh do i get to wear a cape do i get sometimes people do i get the little ropes like they go around you know like that say something i did what no you're just gonna go up you're gonna wear whatever you're gonna wear we have no no say in that we're not gonna control it we're not going to do it we're not going to do it we're not going to do it you know send any uh anything home to your parents any kind of direction like hey it might be nice if you wear this no no we're just gonna throw caution to the wind and you'll show up wearing whatever you want to show up wearing and that's fine and then you're gonna stand up in the gym in front of all your parents and your you know your aunts and uncles and siblings and uh grandparents and just all these people and you know you're we're gonna say sweet things you're gonna sing a sweet song you're gonna make people cry that's what that's what you're here i bet that was the pep talk that they uh gave them before they came into the gym they were like all right fourth graders let's gather around gather around all right do you know why we're here today and one kid was like promotion and she was like no well yeah but no the reason we're here today is to make people cry make them sad make them think about how you you used to be tiny and now you're less tiny but you're still kind of tiny but you're definitely on the track of less tiny um and they're like what and she's like ah don't worry about all that you know she's at a whiteboard like drawing it out with a marker and then having to do the erasing thing where it doesn't really erase and then asking someone for the spray bottle so she can spray and then she doesn't have a napkin to wipe it off with it's just a whole thing and so you know that's what they that that was their goal and i'm gonna tell you right here right now they did not succeed with me i thought i was i was a goner i i went into this place i was feeling a little tightness in the throat a little tightness in the chest felt like uh the air was really dry oh i'm not gonna make it i'm not i can't make it but then i i did the thing and it was all so fast that it was like a whirlwind and i was just like i i okay i'm fine i i i serve this is i did it i made it through the promotion i feel like i should get a promotion myself for being the parent that didn't cry i don't know or maybe i could just get an accolade for that problem was that was one of the days the next day they do something called a clap out what is a clap out you're probably school from pre-k k first second third all of the teachers they line the hallways and at the front door of the school all of the parents are all in a big mob and you can hear it's coming through the school they're clapping it's it's wave of clapping and i brought a bubble machine and i put it by the front door because nothing says a clap out like a bubble machine to me and and i had the bubbles going and then you hear this just wave of clapping coming and and then they they are they they come out of the school but there's no like pause again it happened so quickly that they they came out and then they just ran to the to their left and it was just like oh okay my emotions don't work that fast anymore like maybe when i was young i was like oh my god i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry and i had less control of the emotions but now you know if i'm gonna get it's gonna take a while for me to to crank up the emotion machine you know to really i gotta i gotta be really ready you know so it takes me it takes a lot for me to get uh angry or sad or or whatever or or happy for that matter uh but yeah so this it moved so fast that it didn't happen and uh we immediately had to get in the car after this clap out and uh you know we're high-fiving people we're patting people on the shoulder congratulations you know you did it parents ah good job uh but then we had to get in the car and drive 40 minutes to the other kid's school now mind you this clap out started at 12 30 right and we were there for about 10 15 minutes the other child had an award ceremony that was supposed to start at one o'clock and he's about 40 minutes away and my kid was like in the car he was like wait what time does this start one o'clock well how's this gonna work i you know what we're just in the car we're gonna get down there when we get down there we're gonna do our best okay but you you realize it's it's 12 uh 45 now and yeah i can see the clock and i'm i'm just gonna keep on driving i'm gonna get down there as quick as i can you know and hope hope that we get to see the ceremony hope that we get to see him win an award and the award here's how it worked we got an email that said hey there's this award ceremony on this day at this time uh please come uh your child has been selected uh to win one of the awards which is very exciting you know but that's all the information you have so the grandparents actually came down they drove down to the award ceremony they got there before us saved us a couple of seats and we managed to get there at 1 11 so it took us around 27 minutes and so there was no traffic everything moved very quickly very smoothly like maybe the quickest trip i've ever had to get down there i was in the even speeding because I'm no speeder. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm a law abiding bumper car, but we got there and we, we, we checked in and we ran down. We got to the, uh, the auditorium and it was full of people. They had just given their first award. And, uh, we were given a little, uh, what do they call the pamphlets, whatever, you know, like the, the thing you look through and it tells you what's going to happen and when it's going to happen. And what we had done, we had missed the, uh, the opening speech, you know, like the pledge of allegiance. Like we had missed all the, the, the things that happened before the awards. So it worked out perfectly. Like we, we came in ready for awards. The first one was, uh, art and you know, he, he didn't win. He didn't win that one. All right. You know, then you're going through and you don't, there's next up. I think we were in, uh, reading and, uh, writing, uh, and okay. All right. Nope. You didn't win that one. Okay. And I want to film this. I want to get this on camera. All right. Uh, uh, math. No, it's not math. Science. No, probably not going to be science. History. Nope. Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. It's not going to be history. Oh, okay. You know, we're working our way down the list here. Uh, the next one was, uh, PE, physical education. And he's always, he's the T the teachers are always like, Oh, he's so good in PE. He's so, you know, he loves, loves it. And he always tells me that's my favorite class. And I'm like, all right, well, that's, it's really just play time, but you know, that's fine. Good for you. You have something that's your favorite. Uh, and so I started filming, I was ready PE and there, they go through these little speeches, you know, they say, Oh, physical education is very important. You know, they, you know, they describe everything and, uh, and I'm, I'm filming the whole thing and they go, you know, this next student in middle school, well, she, and I was just like, all right, well, let's stop filming that one. That's not the one. And then you're starting to get down to where, uh, you know, we did, uh, so PE and then we did music. And then the only things that were left were, uh, homework attendance. And then there were four things at the bottom, which were like, uh, character, whatever, like, you know, stuff like that community service. And so I was like, all right, you know, I've got like six more, you know, they told us to come down here and they did homework and I didn't even film it. Cause I was like, no, that's not going to be it, which is fine. And then they did, uh, attendance. I looked at my wife and I was, I kind of shrugged and she was like, I don't know. And you know, I started filming and they go through this four minute speech about how important attendance is. And it's the backbone of your education. And then, then they, they called my kid's name. He won an award for attendance. We came down, we rushed down for that. It was great.

June 23, 2023
Bumperpodcast #326 – Palette Expander

Here it is – the new podcast that everyone is talking about. The Bumperpodcast is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp around Headquarters, in Coffee-Can Alley, with Natty Bumpercar and his entire gaggle of pals!

Natty went to voice training class – did it work? More importantly, what’s going on with Emerson?!

You should send us an email to bumperpodcast@nattybumpercar.com, or to call in and leave a message – 646.847.7976. We’re here and we’re listening!

Go like our Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/TheBumperpodcast/)!!

About This Episode

In this episode of Bumperpodcast, host Natty Bumpercar shares his ongoing struggles with Invisalign after spending $1,700 on voice training classes that didn't help his speech. He recounts a carnival mishap involving cotton candy that turned his aligners neon yellow, forcing him to wear them for two weeks. The episode takes a heartfelt turn as Natty describes his son's dental emergency from years ago and the recent ordeal of getting a palate expander installed. Through humorous storytelling, Natty captures the parenting challenge of managing a child's dental anxiety while dealing with his own orthodontic issues. The episode ends with a comical McDonald's visit gone wrong when food gets stuck in his son's new appliance.

Memorable Quotes

“If anyone ever asks you if you want cotton candy the answer is gonna be yes it should be yes”

— Natty Bumpercar

“We heard a scream and it was unlike any scream that we had heard before. You get this pit of doom in your stomach, this shock of cold through your veins.”

— Natty Bumpercar

“I didn't want them to look at me and be like, oh, you're the one who caused me all this misery. That's stuff that's going to send them into therapy later.”

— Natty Bumpercar

Topics: #invisalign #parenting #dentalhealth #orthodontics #cottoncandy #childhoodinjuries #medicalprocedures #familylife

Featuring: Natty Bumpercar

Full Transcript

Natty Bumpercar: oh hi bumper podcast it's me natty bumper car and as you can tell i can talk a little bit better you probably can't even tell that i have it okay you can tell still man i took last week off and i went to some voice training classes and i was like hey i've got this new thing in my mouth this new doodad and it makes me talk kind of funny and uh they were like we can fix you and i gave them seventeen hundred seven teen dollars and they they spent it was a week course a crash course to make it sound better and now you're telling me it didn't work ah well i guess this is just how i'm gonna sound then um here's some excitement with the invisalign did i already tell you this i can't remember i went to a carnival with these things in and my kid got cotton candy and it was like a mixed bag so it was like oh look at me i'm blue which i think is blue raspberry oh look at me i'm pink which is pink flavor and then oh look at me i'm yellow which is not banana i know it's not which makes me happy it might be lemon probably lemon so there was blue raspberry lemon and then whatever pink is raspberry no because you have raspberry blue raspberry strawberry who knows i don't know i don't know why i'm saying fruits because there's nothing about these things that have anything to do with fruit at all so we uh we went and he was just like hey dad do you want some cotton candy i was like yeah i want some cotton candy because if anyone ever asks you and like it if you want cotton candy the answer is gonna be yes it should be yes and i'm just eating it and i'm eating it and i'm like we're having a good time we're at the carnival and i got home and i was like i should brush my teeth because i don't want all that sugar stuck in these little trays of tooth doom i took them out and the cotton candy was yellow like not like i'm an old man i have yucky yellow teeth but like i'm from space i have robot teeth like that kind of and uh yeah so now i have yellow teeth for two weeks yellow teeth uh and i was even i wasn't even supposed to i was in my second little trays i have three sets of them they're supposed to last me for six weeks uh i had already moved into the second set five days early because my first set decided just to crack like they just ripped in my mouth like i was trying to pop them off pop them off hey well you know you don't make sure before you eat you gotta pop them off oh okay how do i do that and then pop yeah fine that's great but mine were i gotta pop them off i gotta eat some food oh look it's the whole this half just came off so that's not doing anything so i made the executive decision to move up to tray number two so good for me but now they're neon yellow uh in other news around the house uh my simpatico young boy uh also this week had to go to the orthodontist uh a few years ago he was running around a table with his brother he slipped he fell his two front teeth took the brunt of the impact against the corner of a table i was upstairs my wife was upstairs we heard the noise we heard a scream and it was unlike any scream that we had heard before and uh nothing for a parent when you hear a noise that you know is not a natural noise and is not going to be good you get this pit of doom in your stomach you you feel this uh shock of cold through your veins through your nerves and you're just like all right let's get downstairs as quickly as we can without breaking our necks and there he was standing in a pool of blood it was disgusting and it was pouring from his little mouth and i had to wrap him up in a towel and take him to the er uh and it was a big ordeal he had folded his two front teeth they were baby teeth backwards oh it was disgusting uh the uh the emergency room couldn't do anything there's nothing for them to do they said just take him to the dentist uh asap took him the next morning the dentist was kind of looking at it and he uh the plan was once the swelling went down he uh drilled little holes in the back of the teeth took out the dead tissue or whatever the dead yucky stuff that's inside of a tooth and uh he said yeah it's gonna kind of it's gonna settle itself kid kid mouths are very resilient it'll fix itself all right i said so he's one of the teeth did they went right back but the other one kind of stayed a little bit uh hanging out in the looking backwards so he's like all right we gotta go to the orthodontist and we gotta get this figured out because this is gonna mess up his other teeth okay so he finally did that and he got something called a palate expander now what does a palate expander do i have no idea but i think it does exactly what it says it does it expands the child's palate the palate is like the roof of your mouth and it's like the roof of your mouth and it's like the roof of your mouth so he um on tuesday had to get little rubber bands they were blue and they looked adorable and he thought it was fun until they put the little rubber band spacers they're called in between his back molars just to add some get this space for the next day they were going to be in for he went in at 5 45 until 2 45 so about 21 hours is how long it took him to get this and he was like okay this is no big he was like this is no big deal and they were like he's doing so well he's doing amazing who is this child he's doing so great and i was just like i don't know by the time i got into the car he was like that that that that that these things have got to get out of my mouth and i was just like no we just got him in dad i don't know i don't know i don't dad dad dad let's go back inside dad let's go back inside dad hey dad hey dad dad hey dad let's go back inside and i was like buddy it's 24 hours it's not a big deal you're doing great you're gonna we're gonna knock this out and then you're gonna move on to the next step that and like it was like that constant and to the point where it was it was we got home and it was man the wheels came off the bus and he was it was like he was like i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know it was horrible because he was begging he was begging me dad dad dad dad just saying dad over and over again pleading begging dad i'll do anything you gotta get these things out of my mouth dad but please dad dad and i was just like buddy buddy hey buddy buddy buddy buddy he's like i can't eat i can't drink i'm not gonna be able to sleep and it was like it was a big deal so we you know we gave him some some pain medication we gave him some ice packs we we did everything that we could and and finally we got him to sleep but the next and like over the course of the night he's like i'm taking these out i'm ripping these out i'm gonna take these out and he's like i'm gonna get a fork i'm gonna take them out i was just like what with a fork what are you doing relax like just it's it's i think it's not comfortable i was like but look daddy has these things in his mouth they're not super comfortable but you know you just kind of learn to deal with it you just kind of move on and it was it was it was not a pleasant time evening here around headquarters but we got through it he finally passed out he went to sleep and he woke up the next morning he was like these aren't it's not as bad as i thought i was like i knew it i knew it you were tired or something last night i mean i knew it might have been rough but it wasn't as bad as he was making it so we uh you know he goes to school and i pick him up and he was kind of a nervous wreck and he's just like i couldn't eat all day i couldn't talk all day and i was like these are just the rubber band these are the rubber bands i don't even like the rubber band you can see them in the jewellery doors and with this car know somebody's fucking guard look at this. You get to take home this cool mold of your mouth. But she really tried to sell it like it was a big deal. Like, look, this is the inside of your mouth and you get to take it home. And he was like, I could care less. I could not care less about that if I tried. In no way, no fashion, no form could I care less about what you're showing me right now. Get these rubber bands out of my mouth. So she popped those out, bing, bang, boom. And she takes the metal doodad and she puts it in. And then the orthodontist comes over and he has this little brown plastic bar that he helps kind of wedge the doodads in. He was like, all right, see, this is what we're doing. It's in there. No problem. How's that feel? Good, good. Didn't give him time to answer, right? He was just running through his script. He's like, hey, I've got 18 kids to touch right now. I'm going to make $50,000 today. How's that feel? Good. Fine. Boom. We're moving on. And then he took it out. He had to put some glue on it. He's like, hey, we're going to put some glue on it. And then after this, she's going to explain to you what you can eat, how you're going to take care of these, what you're going to do, bada, bada, bada. And I was like, okay, okay. I got to keep, I got to, okay, I can do this. And so he puts it in, and it's like epoxy glue. And they have this like laser beam thing that they put in his mouth that makes the epoxy harden so it sticks to your teeth. And then there's actually, there's a screw inside of this thing that I have to turn every two days. He gave me, there's a tool that I have to use, and I have to turn it once every two days. So it's like, hey, are you getting used to this? Does this feel a little bit better? All right, bam. How does it feel now? Miserable again, right? Awesome. And who did it to you? Me. Hooray. I, uh, anytime, like even with a vet, or if there's ever a procedure that would have to be done, I tried to make sure that the vet did it, or the doctor did it to my, the doctor did it to my kids, the vet did it to my dog, because I didn't want them to look at me and be like, oh, you're the one who caused me all this misery. This is your fault that I feel this way. Because that's lasting. That's, that's stuff that's going to send them into therapy later. And I, I don't know if my insurance is going to cover it, because it doesn't cover my therapy. So, um, I'm going to try to avoid that. But we actually haven't done that yet. Today's the first day that I get to turn the screws on the boy. And we'll see how that goes. Now, since he had made it through the first day, we got the pallet expander in. Uh, we went, we got Ollie. And I was like, all right, guys, we're, we're going to go out. We got to go out. Emerson's going to get a prize. And, you know, we're going to go and we're going to, oh, no, this is the next day. I'm sorry. I apologize. So, we got everybody together. And we, we went, we were, I was like, what do you guys want to eat? We'll eat anything at all. We'll eat whatever you want. So, they went, oh, we want McDonald's. I was like, perfect. So, we'll get some McDonald's. And I was like, then we can go wherever, whatever store you want. We can buy you a thing. This is what I do. I have to not bribe the children, but you have to buy them treats. You know, if they go through trauma, then I buy treats to alleviate some of the stress, some of the trauma. So, we went to McDonald's. And he got a big mac with no onions and no cheese. And, no, a quarter pound or whatever. And he got a large fry and all this food. And he took one bite and a piece of apple. He had apple from his brother's thing. Got caught in the roof of his mouth. And he tried to flip the table at McDonald's. He's like, I ain't going to eat this. I can't eat nothing. What is this, my life?

Unknown: So, that was a way to learn a lot about peace. Thank you so much for his rad digits. Do I get anything? No. All right, anyway, dee dee dee, we gotta get out of here. So, thank you so much.

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June 8, 2018
Bumperpodcast #315 – Headaches

Here it is – the new podcast that everyone is talking about. The Bumperpodcast is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp around Headquarters, in Coffee-Can Alley, with Natty Bumpercar and his entire gaggle of pals!

Oh no! We are all full of headaches, and it isn’t very fun. But – you know what is fun? Our little ad for an app called ‘Picniic’ on today’s episode of the Bumperpodcast!

Picniic is a nifty organization app for families who have way too much going on. I started playing with it last week, and was immediately shocked at how many times I have triple-booked myself over the next two months.

To check it out, yourself, go to picniic.com/getstarted to set up your account and use promo code: PODPIC for 30 days of Picniic Premium free! (Repeat with emphasis on URL and promo code and SPELL P-I-C-N-I-I-C)

Send us an email to bumperpodcast@nattybumpercar.com.

Don’t forget to call in and leave a message – 646.847.7976.

Go like our Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/TheBumperpodcast/)!!

About This Episode

In this episode of Bumperpodcast, host Natty Bumpercar finds himself discombobulated after someone mysteriously steals his chair, forcing him to stand while recording. He discusses the challenges of shoveling giant snowflakes and shares a harrowing personal story about migraines affecting both himself and his son. Natty recounts an emergency room visit with his son and his own intense migraine experience that left him incapacitated for an entire day. Despite the pain, he reflects on the realities of parenting and how parents put their children's needs first. The episode offers both humor and genuine vulnerability as Natty navigates family health challenges while maintaining his signature comedic perspective.

Memorable Quotes

“Here's the thing with snowflakes so once they fall they're pretty much just like i'm just gonna stay here bro and you're like oh sorry bro but i need you to leave bro and they're like sorry bro but i'm here bro.”

— Natty Bumpercar

“When you have kids you're not even priority number you're not one you're probably not two you're probably not three you're as long as you can stand and blink your eyes then that's what you get.”

— Natty Bumpercar

“He was like i'm available friday night if you need to go to the hospital. That's very sweet like that he's scheduling his time out.”

— Natty Bumpercar

Topics: #parenting #health #migraines #winter #familylife #hospitalvisits #comedy

Featuring: Natty Bumpercar

Full Transcript

Natty Bumpercar: completely and totally discombobulated that is how i am today hello bumper podcast it's me natty bumper car and why am i so flummoxed well somebody took my chair that's i'm just gonna put it out there i don't know who it was i'm not gonna point any fingers i'm not gonna like name names but my chair is gone i'm now i'm currently i'm standing and i'm talking into the microphone which is fine i feel like it's giving me a little bit of a different energy i feel like this is kind of a slightly different whoa this dude's just standing up while doing a podcast what is this stand up podcast come what i don't know stand up comp pod podmody comedy we ha wait a minute why don't we make a word we'll squish together comedy and podcasts com com comcast wait that's that's a company uh podmody it doesn't sound good it's that's you know what i'm gonna need your help with this because i can't figure out a good way i'm usually pretty good at making these uh these mashup words pod com anyway what else is going on well it's snowing outside right now those and it's those snowflakes that are so big like giant enormous snowflakes and they're kind of beautiful to look at because they fall really slowly i can see them out of my window but i'd rather they not happen because i have to then go out and gently ask them to leave my sidewalk and my uh driveway so that i can leave so that people don't fall and uh and ask me for money um here's the thing with snowflakes so once they fall they're pretty much just like i'm just gonna stay here bro and you're like oh sorry bro but i need you to leave bro and they're like sorry bro but i'm here bro and you're like bro and they're like bro it's a good conversation but they don't they don't move so then you got to get a broom or uh you got to get a shovel do you do any have you any any have you ever shoveled snow it's not fun it hurts it hurts your back me my lower back my my especially uh i've seen people if it's a dry snow they'll go out with a uh a leaf blower and they'll blow the stuff off i i'm not skilled enough to do that i don't think um so that's happening more importantly we've been struck by dun dun dun migraines really yeah poor m he's been having headaches and to the point where we uh we went to uh the emergency room we went to the doctor last week and then friday we ended up at the emergency room when we were there for so long hey guys if you ever noticed when you go to the hospital time seems to go slower yes yes i have um and he had to get a shot and here's the thing the doctor was just like how much does it hurt and he was like it hurts a lot and they were like well does it how much does it hurt enough we could fix it but we need to give you a shot so you can either you know whatever or we can give you a shot he's like give me the shot and i was like whoa the kid's asking for a shot that that means serious business is happening but that you know we got some uh some uh prescription stuff and he's been taking it and it seems to get better but then it comes back and it's back and it's back and it's back poor kid i feel terrible for him and then randomly uh monday night uh i so sometimes here's the thing guys a little bit about me i get migraines too not all the time but sometimes they run in my family uh which is great um it's a wonderful thing to pass down to people and it's a wonderful thing to pass down to people and it's a wonderful thing to pass down to people and i was like oh my head hurts a little bit and then this is when i got uh m and then by the time i got to ollie's school i was like oh no i'm in big trouble here this is not gonna be pleasant right and by the time i got into ollie's school so that was in the parking lot then by the time i got into the school i was just like the pain the pain is down oh i can't like i couldn't move it could hurt to move it hurt to breathe it hurt to my eyes everything and so i had to have the teacher help him put his jacket i was just like help him jacket please and then i got got him and i held his little hand i got him to the car and i had to sit there for a solid two minutes eyes shut like palms pushing against eyes to uh right myself so that i could then uh drive back home uh it was it was it was not a pleasant experience by the time i got home luckily and randomly my wife had left her car and i was like oh my god i'm gonna die and so she uh she was in the driveway and so i was just like help children me and so she's like go upstairs and that's where i was for the rest of the night it was but it was the most pain it was so much it was phenomenal how much pain i was in and um you know what i i'm gonna tell you i i don't this is fun i'm gonna tell you about it uh as soon as we get a word from our sponsor and now a quick word from one of our sponsors i'm so busy but luckily i discovered picnic it is an organizational app for my family i can enter events into a shared calendars we have to-do lists shopping lists and even recipes so you should totally go do it go get organized just go to picnic.com slash get started to set up your account and use promo code pod pick for 30 days of picnic premium for free that's picnic p-i-c-n-i-i-c.com slash get started and promo code pod pick so go and get organized today now return you to whatever in the world it was that you were listening to just before the commercial here on the bumper podcast good luck you're probably going to need it yay so picnic thank you again so much and real quick i wanted to say so we have been using picnic that was just a little commercial but uh sponsored by whatever but the thing is it's changed my life as far as i can put all my shows into it i put everything in there right but it's a little bit because now my wife looks at the calendar which is now a shared calendar so she can see and she's like oh you're you got a lot of you've got a lot of shows coming up you you're not you're gonna be gone a lot and i'm like i know it's great right and she's like and i'm like oh what picnic oh so you know but then it's also like if somebody's like hey do you guys want to have go to this birthday party on this day i'm like one second please and i go and i go to the party and i'm like wait i'm going to meet my friends there and i'm like why didn't I maybe i was going to the party because something's there so whatever it's great i love it i love it i love it we haven't done shopping lists yet because we're not that organized in life but maybe at some point we will morph into our next forms and uh our super saiyan organized forms and we can we can utilize that um and then once the kids have phones maybe we use it because you can whatever it's great try it if you have if you if you have kids especially do it because otherwise you'll go crazy um so So here's something this is me. This is me being fun at a party. So back to my headache It was it was really cool In a horrible way because I was in so much pain that I I was telling someone I was having like this out-of-body experience where I Was kind of I was it was we this is my it was my business how my brain was coping with it It was my brain was looking at my body and it was trying to It was me it was like visually trying to move things around to make it stop and like I they were like I would see like these little pegs and and my body my brain would push a peg Which and it was like and this is what was happening and then like sometimes and not even joking They would push a button or pull a lever or whatever and then there would be like an explosion of more pain And so it was like my body was playing this game To try to fix it or whatever it was brutal and You know all through the night It was kind of off and on and I'm up and I'm down and I got up late in the night at some point And had a bowl of cereal because I was also it made me kind of nauseous and my tummy hurt But I was just like I think I have to eat some sort of food or else. This is just gonna Exacerbate the situation make it worse. So I had the cereal And and yeah, whatever I woke up the next morning and it was still there, but it was dull and it was kind of over to the side So, you know, we we move on and move on but it was it was like losing an entire day It was how it was how it felt like by the time Tuesday rolled around I was you know, it's like what Pat? What was that? I don't want I would rather not have that anymore. Have you guys ever had these things there? It's yuck yuck It's a straight one-way ticket to yuck town. So don't do them So with poor M we got to go we got to get he's got to get an MRI And I was thinking I was like, can I sit next to him in the MRI maybe cuz I my brain is hurting too they said no and then he's got a Visit with a neurologist too. So I mean it's so funny when you have kids like I'm having the same stuff He's having I would go so far as to say worse, but it's not a competition competition but you take care of the kid and you know if you can still stand if you can still get from point a to point b then hey guess what dada mama you're just deal with it you got to deal with it so much like that's when you have kids you're not even priority number you're not one you're probably not two you're probably not three you're as long as you can stand and blink your eyes and uh sign the homework's done form or whatever then then that's that's what that's what you get so and i mean it's it's fun it's fun barely existing no but you know it's he uh emerson did come in that night uh on monday and he he you know he had been to the hospital on friday and he was like hey and i was like i couldn't even talk i was just like you and he was just like i'm available uh friday night friday night if you need to go to the hospital i'm i'm available and it was i was like that's very sweet like that he's scheduling his time out you know that he's not like um tuesday wednesday i'm pretty slammed but it looks like friday i do have an opening if you need to go to the hospital dada and uh the next morning ollie uh ollie was up first and so i went downstairs is this like oh that's so that's that's why you guys are the priority okay because when i get really old i'm gonna need to make sure that you you know spare your fridays to take me to that to the hospital or to the doctor and uh and give me sweet hugs so all right that is this has been your headache update episode of the bumper podcast i hope it didn't give you a headache aha a waka a waka waka uh but anyway thank you so much for listening have a great day watch out for the snow and you know as always you gots to do it

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February 9, 2018
Bumperpodcast #308 – Whoo-wee!

I missed you . I missed you. I missed you.

There is no interview, guests, or junk. Just little old me.

And – after recording this, I discovered that my site was broken. Hooray for difficulties!

Here it is – the new podcast that everyone is talking about. The Bumperpodcast is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp around Headquarters, in Coffee-Can Alley, with Natty Bumpercar and his entire gaggle of pals!

It’s almost too much to bear – isn’t it? Let us know by sending an email to bumperpodcast@nattybumpercar.com.

Don’t forget to call in and leave a message – 646.847.7976.

Go like our Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/TheBumperpodcast/)!!

About This Episode

Natty Bumpercar returns after a long hiatus to catch up with Bumperpodcast listeners in this solo episode. He opens with his signature silly banter about bananas before diving into why the podcast has been on hold and the challenges of scheduling interviews. Natty shares his hectic life updates, including attending a Wizards basketball game, getting a new car, and dealing with absurdly scheduled 8:30 AM and 5:00 PM work calls. He humorously recounts his exhausting Halloween schedule, juggling multiple school parades for his kids Ollie and Emerson, trick-or-treating, and the inevitable candy-induced stomach ache. Despite the chaos, Natty reminds listeners how much he's missed connecting with his Bumperpodcast friends.

Memorable Quotes

“I just tried bananas with bananas and it's my favorite thing even though I'm allergic to bananas.”

— Natty Bumpercar

“What were you for Halloween? What was I? I was tired.”

— Natty Bumpercar

“The 8:30 call they're like well what do I do? I'm like well no updates because we last talked at 5:30 last night and everyone went home.”

— Natty Bumpercar

Topics: #halloween #parenting #worklife #schedulingchaos #trick-or-treating #familylife #podcasthiatus

Featuring: Natty Bumpercar

Full Transcript

Natty Bumpercar: oh my beans on my bananas look at you you're looking bananas i just tried bananas with bananas and it's my favorite thing even though i'm allergic to bananas hey everybody it's me it's natty bumper car and the bumper podcast has been gone for so long so long and i think i get all twisted up and jumbled up and sad because i'm like oh i want to do these interviews i want to do this thing i want to do that thing and then when i set it all up and then i can't do that thing for whatever reason technology or scheduling then i kind of like it goes on the back burner and then a couple of weeks goes by and i start to freak out because i'm like oh my goodness i haven't done a show in a long in a long time is what i just said not a long time but a long time don't two two wongs don't make a right is what's happening i'm dropping my r's you that's a good sound um and then so i start freaking out because i'm like i haven't done a show i want to do a show i like to talk to the bumper podcast friends you're my friends you're my bumper podcast coutures and uh so this morning i was like fine i can't i'm just gonna have a show i'm gonna do a show and i'm gonna talk i'm gonna uh do it do an update did i tell you about the yard sale i don't even know did i tell you that we went to a uh a wizard's basketball game wizards probably not did i tell you that we got a different car probably not there's a lot going on is what i'm telling you did i tell you that for some reason at work we have a client that is scheduling calls at 8 30 in the morning and then other calls at five at night definitely i didn't tell you that because i never talk about work and i'm not going to talk about it now but really that's a weird schedule like why would you do that to people and then here's the best part of it uh the 8 30 call they're like well what do i do i'm not going to talk about it now i'm not going to the updates i'm like well no updates because we last talked at 5 30 last night and then everyone went home and no one's in the office yet because it's 8 30 in the morning and they're like well that doesn't make any sense i'm like sure it does um what else is going on i mean like there's a lot it's it's it's november october went by halloween happened i mean what what did what were you for halloween what was i i was tired i was so tired because i had the 8 30 call and then i had wait what was is that yesterday no yesterday okay yes so we had the 8 30 call and then i had uh a 9 30 uh parade at ollie school and then at noon no 11 30 we had to pick emerson up from school to take him to lunch and get him home get him dressed in his costume take him back to the school by 12 30 and then his and then we just stood around and then his thing was at one o'clock his parade and then at four o'clock he was at school and then at five four thirty you gotta go out and you gotta start trick-or-treating and then it's like what in the world is going on and then there's all this candy and so you're eating all this stuff and then you have a stomach ache and i don't know man it's crazy i'm just telling you that a lot of crazy stuff is going on but you know what i miss you so much

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November 4, 2017
Bumperpodcast #291 – Weekend Special

A little weekend special about twitters, and this, and that. Also another special guest pops in at the end!

Do you like weekends? Let us know by sending an email to bumperpodcast@nattybumpercar.com.

The Bumperpodcast is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp around Headquarters, in Coffee-Can Alley, with Natty Bumpercar and his entire gaggle of pals!

About This Episode

In this special weekend edition of Bumperpodcast, Natty Bumpercar apologizes for missing last week's episode and shares his exhausting adventures in solo parenting. While his wife attends a conference, Natty deals with sleepless nights caused by his children's sniffles, including a heart-stopping 11:30 PM wake-up call that left him completely disoriented. He also discusses his experiments with Twitter engagement, a relaxing dentist appointment (complete with cavity concerns), and his attempt at live-tweeting his two-hour bedtime struggle. The episode features a surprise guest appearance from one of Natty's children, who shares stories about rock climbing with an auto belay system and visiting the pool.

Memorable Quotes

“I honestly thought I was having a heart attack because I was so deep asleep and I was in the middle of a dream that was kind of nightmarish… and he screamed and I hit the ceiling.”

— Natty Bumpercar

“In my house sniffles are almost like the end of the world. When one of them has sniffles all bets are off—there will be no sleep, no peace, no happiness, no joy.”

— Natty Bumpercar

“I look at my mouth in the mirror and it's just like cavity, I'm a cavity creep. 2017, can't we do something better about cavities? UV lights? Lasers?”

— Natty Bumpercar

Topics: #parenting #sleepdeprivation #socialmedia #twitter #dentist #rockclimbing #children #familylife

Featuring: Natty Bumpercar, Natty Bumpercar's child

Full Transcript

Natty Bumpercar: well hello there bumper podcast it's me natty bumper car and it is a weekend edition a surprise weekend edition because i blacked out and completely missed last week and i don't know what happened but i was just like i've got time i miss i miss i miss my peeps i miss my peeps you guys are my peeps we don't want to be your peeps well too bad you're my peeps hey what up peeps that's a hard p p peeps i uh i i had a weird fun week so i uh one thing i i'm just gonna run through my list of cool things i uh i i tweeted i tweeted a tweet and um it got like all these uh likes and retweets and stuff and i was like interesting and so then a couple days later i uh i tried again i went out and i i i followed the same scenario uh whereby i found a very hot twitter uh twitter tweet that a lot of people were interacting with and liking and retweeting and i put a pithy comment into that and uh this is because it had worked before and uh it got 450 likes and uh 50 retweets and nothing you know no one no followers that doesn't happen that's fine uh but it's neat to see uh how things work or don't work you know depending on your view for me i was just like oh this is cool all these people like stuff my phone is blown up blown up so then last night uh the wife has been away she's been in a conference that's been me and the kids and uh they don't sleep necessarily she left on thursday at uh she she was up at 4 like 15 in the morning it's been i was basically up at 4 15 in the morning uh and then she left at 508 at 5 12 the kids got up that's early that's an early early time to wake up um and then that night uh the kids had a hard time going to bed this is thursday night and then one of them woke up screaming ah at 11 30 at night i had been asleep at that point for 1.5 hours an hour and a half and he screamed so loud and so that i was up i thought i i honestly uh and i don't say this often i thought i was having a heart attack because i was so deep asleep and i was in the middle of a dream that was kind of nightmarish we'll say uh and right when something terrible was about to happen so i was already a little bit amped up in my dream and screamed and i was like oh i hit the ceiling i got i ran i was so out of sorts and confused and i was just like what what's going what happened what's the matter he's just like i've got sniffles it's like what sniffles in my house are almost like the end of the world when one of them has sniffles all bets are off uh there will be no sleep there will be no peace there will be no happiness there will be no joy because sniffles are in the house so i had to gather my myself gather my brain and then i went and i found some of the that vapor rub so i sm i slathered that all over him which then causes a freak out because he doesn't like stuff being slathered so like lotion uh you know soap whatever conditioner in his hair that oh it feels weird ah but you know you can't breathe let's put this on you we'll see what happens you're good to go wasn't enough was not enough uh so we're trying to blow nose not experts at blowing noses yet uh so then i run downstairs and i get some uh some medicine now we have a couple of different uh kid medicines they're all homeopathic stuff uh so one of them has melatonin in it it's like dark honey and uh echinacea and melatonin whatever and it's supposed to like soothe the throat and help them sleep but the thing was by that time it was already 12 15 and i didn't want to give him that because if it forced him to sleep he would have to go to sleep and then he's not gonna get up in the morning and he's got to go to school can't miss school for a sniffle uh excuse me mr bumper car why wasn't your son here at school today oh well he had the sniffles oh really bring him in now please so i knew i couldn't do that one and then the other one there's another one that's uh the kind of the dark honey i don't know why everything's dark honey what's dark honey dark honey it's like dark matter it's like the bees no dark honey exists and then the other one there's another one that's uh the kind of the but they can't quite find it well it's in my medicine cabinet so and he's not a huge fan of the of the dark honey to be honest but then there's another one that is more for uh for congestion and for sniffles and so i got that and here you go and then about an hour later he went to sleep that point i'm pretty i'm pretty wide awake all the adrenaline is you know still flowing so from 11 30 12 31 about 132 i get back to sleep good for me uh six o'clock they woke up which was nice that's that six o'clock is late it's perfect i was a little tired though friday was a little bit of a tired day for me luckily uh i had a dentist appointment in the morning so i took them to school came home and uh kind of just sat partially comatose in the corner until it's time to go to the dentist and then i go and i you know what i do i i rest i nap dentist for me so far knock on wood has been a good experience not a horrifying bad scary experience let's keep that up teeth let's keep it up although they did take x-rays and they were like you see this that shadow is the beginning of a cavity i was just like oh no i don't want any more cavities i look at my mouth in the mirror and it's just like cavity i'm a cavity creep can't stand them disgusting 2017 can't we do something better about cavities i don't know uv lights lasers i don't know so but the dentist was fine so the kids the kids were good so i tell you that story because then last night uh they went to their their their their uh grandparents house that night uh which left me friday night to have a lot of fun do a lot of things like you know cleaning laundry falling asleep at 9 30 what whoop whoop whoop whoo like that um and then saturday i got up and when i went up to pick them up and uh and last night i could tell we were in for a night we were in for a real night because they were kind of a little tired a little overtired uh but the sniffles were still there the sniffles were there in full effect i'm not gonna lie the sniffles were they were serious business and so i i was just like all right we're gonna do everything now we're gonna we're gonna give you medicine we're gonna slather we're gonna blow some teeth and we started to go to bed at 8 12 i got them upstairs day 12 we brushed teeth we got into pajamas uh laid down i was in the room for two hours trying to soothe everyone trying to calm everyone trying to get everybody to go to sleep one of the kids and so what i started doing i had a fun time with it so that i wouldn't go crazy is i uh i live tweeted it and i was trying to i would read about threading tweets which is where you like write a tweet and then you uh reply to yourself but you cut out the name and you put the your new tweet in so it becomes like this uh a string like a thread and uh i it was fun i did like 16 of them and i it was you should go read it whatever my way uh natty bumper car twitter and um but then i think i read i think i might have done it wrong i wasn't threading properly i improperly threaded uh because i'm new to this i wish i would have known more but i was i was in a bit of a hurried state a harried state as well hey what's going on you want to talk now you don't want to talk uh we got another uh two minutes i was telling the story about last night how you're uh you had the sniffles and how you had you woke up oh and then last night once i got once i got them to bed i was asleep and at 11 30 again the door opens their bedroom door opens and it was you no it wasn't then who was it i don't know oh and you know who was by the door oliver's bear barry he was right by the door do you think he opened the door i don't know it was exciting though oh you want to listen okay we got new uh covers for the earphones don't those feel much better the old ones were like 10 years old and they were they were the old uh foamy foamy things that touch your ears they were yucky they were yucked down well these are the same headphones but these are new pads you'll see that the foamy the foamy are you coming over so i guess we're gonna have a special guest right now oh okay let's not pull everything down though so uh there you go what's out nothing there you go you want to tell a story um no okay well this you have been a great

Natty Bumpercar's child: interview what did you do today you went to the pool what'd you do with the pool and then we uh went rock climbing rock climbing that doesn't make any sense yes it does where'd you were there mountains no was there snow on the ground no how is that possible climbing on rocks it was a big wall and there was this rope thingy to make us go up and if we fall it makes us go

Natty Bumpercar: down all the way kind of like a parachute right yeah so like it uh it's called an auto belay an auto belay doesn't it sound very fancy yes and how far up to the top did you get

Natty Bumpercar's child: all the way you got all the way up to the top yes what was at the top of yours i can't remember

Natty Bumpercar: mine had mine had a monkey thing mine had a fire truck wait really yeah that's cool

Natty Bumpercar's child: did uh ollie do it too no why not why not i don't know uh what are you doing tonight you got any big plans no no big plans

Natty Bumpercar: uh you got a babysitter though right yeah what are you guys you guys gonna have a big party

Natty Bumpercar's child: big fun time yeah probably probably

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March 26, 2017