Tag: comedy

Bumperpodcast #282 – New Year

Rufus T. Rufus is starting a new career – with the help of Pig, and Bumpercar tells a little New Year’s story!

Did you have a career? Let us know by sending an email to bumperpodcast@nattybumpercar.com.

The Bumperpodcast is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp around Headquarters, in Coffee-Can Alley, with Natty Bumpercar and his entire gaggle of pals!

About This Episode

In this hilarious episode of the Bumperpodcast, Natty Bumpercar finds Rufus T. Rufus recording a voiceover demo reel at headquarters, with Aloysious J. Pig acting as his manager. Rufus delivers over-the-top commercial reads about cream corn and other products, convinced he's destined for voiceover stardom. After Rufus loses his voice from all the enthusiastic pitching, Natty shares his low-key New Year's Eve experience where his kids passed out at 7:30pm, his wife fell asleep at 9:30pm, and he accidentally missed midnight entirely while wandering around with just the dog for company. The episode captures the chaos of the holiday season and the reality of celebrating with young children.

Memorable Quotes

“You ain't never, ever in your whole entire life had cream corn like this cream corn. So get on down to our store where we're having a special sale. It's a pyramid of cream corn.”

— Rufus T. Rufus

“The kids fell asleep at 7.30 at night. New Year's Eve. This is our big, exciting night. Then my wife fell asleep at 9.30-ish. So it's me and the dog.”

— Natty Bumpercar

“This was my golden ticket out of this place. You can read about me in Voice Over Manager Magazine.”

— Aloysious J. Pig

Topics: #voiceover #commercials #newyear'seve #parenting #holidays #creamcorn #exhaustion #familylife

Featuring: Rufus T. Rufus, Natty Bumpercar, Aloysious J. Pig

Full Transcript

Rufus T. Rufus: well come on down come one come all to the shop to buy the things they're all on sale and of course you're gonna get the best deal that you ever got in your whole entire life you ain't never seen deals like these deals a matter of fact these deals my friends these deals are not gonna be here forever so if you don't get on down to the shop then these things are gonna go back up to full price and of course our full price is lower than their price has ever been because we got the best prices in the whole coast at our shop for the things so why don't oh hey hello bumper car

Natty Bumpercar: what are you doing here today it's uh it's time for me to record the bumper podcast the first bumper podcast of the year and so i i came in and i'm gonna be doing a little bit of a i didn't realize that you would schedule time what are you recording is this some sort of an

Rufus T. Rufus: ad i'm working i'm working on my voice my vo reel my voice over reel because your friend pig piggy lou over there he's telling me that i have quite the voice for radio and uh that i need to get on

Natty Bumpercar: some commercials and such as that you understand that i mean you certainly are a character you certainly have a lot of uh life and energy and vim and vigor to your voice so i i mean i guess if someone is specifically looking for someone that sounds like you you mean perfect exactly then um you would you would fit the bill perfectly hey uh guys it's it's me pig

Aloysious J. Pig: oh yeah you too buddy you and all of yours thanks yeah rufus that was perfect that's exactly what i was looking for you know we we didn't have any product specific things but what you did in there with that copy that i gave you my friend my friend my friend always perfect i appreciate that thank

Rufus T. Rufus: you very much yeah it's i i i i i i was i excuse me a second i think i hit a bit of a uh flum flum flum bobble in my throat there i i was you know uh when i was raised to speak i always thought to myself that public speaking was probably the way that i would be going the route that i would be going the avenue that i would be travailing and traversing and reversing on if you catch my drift that's like i talk exactly i i'm i'm flummoxed i don't know

Aloysious J. Pig: i don't really know what you just said if i'm to be if i'm to be completely honest i mean i heard you talking but there was a lot of words i mean you sounded great i'm just what i'm gonna tell you buddy you sounded like a professional voiceover actor so get out there good we're gonna get you to broadway to new york city where all the big commercials are made and you know what we're gonna we're gonna put you at the top of the marquee uh rufus t rufus uh today today only recording his commercial about canned corn what is i don't know what's happening right now something you could get

Natty Bumpercar: behind you think you guys are ridiculous i mean he sounded great he said but he sounded just like rufus t rufus and so i think you record it you send it over to um some agencies whatever some commercial agencies and then you know if they ever need somebody to sound like to have that accent and you know then they'll that inflection and everything then uh you know he'll be in the pool but i don't i mean i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know if he's gonna be on any marquee i've never i've never seen a theater actually sell tickets for somebody to record a commercial a radio commercial like not even being filmed just is so it's just gonna be a dude on stage reading from a script um about cream corn

Rufus T. Rufus: canned corn like what was it it was cream corn and it is the best hold on a second it was this is ladies and gentlemen this is the best cream corn that you will ever feast your lips upon. When you put your fork or your spoon or your spork into this cream corn, the next thing that's going to happen is you're going to lift it up. You're going to put it in your mouth and you're going to mind blown. You're going to have your mind blown because you had corn before, corn on a cob. You had cornbread before. Cornbread is good, but you ain't never, ever in your whole entire life had cream corn like this cream corn. So get on down to our store where we're having a special sale. It's a pyramid of cream corn. Get it in your cart today because tomorrow's going to come sooner than later. Ha ha, like that. That's how I do it. That's how the professionals do it, Bumper Car. You had this podcast now for almost 25 years. 25 years? And you ain't never done a commercial. So who you talking to? I mean, don't talk to me about this, my friend. All right, let's relax. I don't want you to blow

Aloysious J. Pig: out your pipes. I don't want you to ruin your perfect golden voice. That's not a golden voice. So if you could, let's relax. Let's relax a little bit. Everybody, just take a step back. Let's let Bumper Car come to the mic and share. He's got some silly story to tell about his kids or whatever, or a tree. I don't know what happened. And we can just kind of, we can edit your video, your audio together, and we can send it off. We got things to do, okay? Okay, why don't you guys go ahead and go.

Rufus T. Rufus: Scrumdillium, she turned down the form, she's absolutely stunningly divine. So let's do that, and you do this, whatever you want. Whatever you do, Bumper Car. Okay. And I will see you. Perfect. Another day. Looking at magazines with my picture in it. Voice of a magazine. You're going to be sitting at the bus stop, reading a magazine. All right. Talking about, hey, it's Rufus T. Rufus. There he is. Bringing the whole industry back. The whole industry? Really? He's putting it all on his shoulders. Cream corn. And he's taking it the last mile, the last charge. You haven't even.

Natty Bumpercar: I think I lost my ball.

Rufus T. Rufus: Rufus. I lost my boy. Big. Rufus. I feel like I can't talk no more. Oh. What is going on? What in the world has one of you done to me, Bumper Car? Oh, no. Rufus.

Natty Bumpercar: I'm sorry.

Aloysious J. Pig: Rufus, stop talking. You're going to make it worse.

Natty Bumpercar: You need a lozenge. No, he needs some lozenge. Or some lemon. Lemon, honey, and lemon.

Aloysious J. Pig: Yeah, honey and lemon. We got to stop talking. Rufus. Okay. Here's my golden ticket.

Natty Bumpercar: Sorry about that, Rufus. See you, Rufus. Okay. We got to go. We got to go. Oh, man. You're in big trouble now. No, you're in big trouble right now. I'm not in trouble. Stop.

Aloysious J. Pig: You did this to us. You did this to me. This was my golden ticket out of this place. Okay. Anyway, happy New Year, everybody. Hopefully, I'm going to fix Rufus T. Rufus's voice, and you can read about me. I'm Pig. I'm his manager in Voice Over Manager Magazine. That's not a real magazine. That's it. I got to go. I got to go fix this dude. Okay.

Natty Bumpercar: See you later, dude. All right. So, anyway. That was crazy. I guess I'm not going to lie. I felt like buying a can of cream corn after I heard Rufus talking about it, and that's a good skill. He's a salesman. That's for sure. He signed us up for a contract, and he's not even a lawyer. He has no ability to do that, and he almost took the Bumper Podcast away from us a couple years ago. But that all worked out when we found out that he, well, he fibs a lot. He lies a lot. Let's be honest. Rufus does. Anyway, happy New Year, everybody. This is the first Bumper Podcast of this 2017, and we're doing great, and we survived the holidays. I hope you did. Man, they're stressful. There's so much going on. You got to clean the house. You got to decorate the house. You got to go find a tree. You get a lot of money for the tree. You got to put the tree down. Santa's got to go make all the presents. You got to get the lists. You got to sit on Santa's lap. You got to tell him the list. You got to go to holiday parties. You got to go to family parties. You got to put together Christmas cards. You got to, the kids are home from school. Like, there's a lot going on is what I'm telling you. There's present wrapping. There's, oh, now we got to go to this place. We got to go to that place. And, oh, the kids are up all night because they're excited. So, now you're not sleeping for a week. Oh, no, now the kids are sick. Oh, jeez. So, now it's New Year's Eve. Here's what happened on New Year's Eve. We had a play date. Me and both kids went to this kid's house. And it was great fun. And then they came home and they were overtired and overhungry. And they both passed out. And then when they woke up, they were zombies. They were the walking dead. They were having a very bad time of it. And it was like 4, 15, 4.30 in the afternoon. And I was like, oh, my God. And I was like, all right, guys. We're going to get ready. It's New Year's Eve. We're going to go out. We're going to get hibachi. And they were like, no. No. I don't feel good. I don't feel good. I don't feel good. I'm so sick. And I was just like, well, let's have a snack. Let's have some juice. Let's have some milk. And they were like, I can't. And to the point where they were like, we're not going out. And I was like, guys, it's New Year's Eve. We're going to go get hibachi. We're going to watch the cool. They've never seen hibachi. And they, no. Not happening. Not doing it. So fine. So great. So we're going to hang out at home. I got some food, brought it home, and we hung out. The kids fell asleep at 7.30 at night. New Year's Eve. This is our big, exciting night. Then my wife fell asleep at 9.30-ish. So it's me and the dog. We're wandering around headquarters, just ambling about, not really doing anything, doing a little bit of this, a little bit of that, working a little bit. And then I looked at my phone, and it was 12.07. So I totally missed New Year's. I totally missed the countdown. And then the next day, it was a new year, and it's a new you. And happy Bumper Podcast. Bumper Podcast.

Unknown: Bumper Podcast.

Podcast: Download | Embed
Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | iHeartRadio | RSS | subscribe

January 10, 2017
Bumperpodcast #281 – History

Bumpercar and Pig talk about how the past can define you, if you let it. They also wish everyone a Happy New Year – and bring some songs and cheer!

Did you like porridge? Let us know by sending an email to bumperpodcast@nattybumpercar.com.

The Bumperpodcast is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp around Headquarters, in Coffee-Can Alley, with Natty Bumpercar and his entire gaggle of pals!

About This Episode

In episode 281 of Bumperpodcast, Natty Bumpercar starts the new year exhausted from the busy December holiday season. Aloysious J. Pig calls him out for complaining and shares his own philosophy about managing how others perceive you. The conversation takes an unexpected turn as Pig reveals his struggles with being labeled as messy at his favorite slop restaurant, leading to an insightful discussion about reputation, identity, and how past behaviors define us. The episode features a hilarious revelation about someone from their past named Porridge Pete who now runs the very slop restaurant Pig frequents. Natty and Pig decide to hit the mall together, with plans to revisit Natty's old "green pants" identity and grab some food at Pete's restaurant.

Memorable Quotes

“You're not stuck to that narrative. You control your own narrative, right? So what you do is you got to go back in, you got to flip the script.”

— Aloysious J. Pig

“I wore green pants four times in my life, and you happen to be there for it, and so now I'm bumper green pants to you. Completely ignore the last 20 years of my life.”

— Natty Bumpercar

“Porridge Pete actually held on to what he was doing when he was growing up, whereas you, bumper green pants, ain't never wear no green pants no more because you don't want to be known about the green pants.”

— Aloysious J. Pig

Topics: #identity #friendship #reputation #newyear #restaurants #nostalgia #self-improvement #socialperception

Featuring: Natty Bumpercar, Aloysious J. Pig

Full Transcript

Natty Bumpercar: oh bumper podcast i am so tired i tell you what i am limping into this new year this year i am spent i am done with i am over it's so december is such a busy month i know it's a fun month you got a lot going on you got a lot you're doing a lot of stuff for people you're helping out you're doing this you're doing that you're over here you're over there you're moving you're shaking you're going to parties you're shaking hands you're kissing babies you're doing whatever you got to do but man it is unstoppable unflappable unrelenting is what it is uh but we made it i think you know it's a few days i guess to go maybe a day or two

Aloysious J. Pig: but i'm i'm happy to uh hey hey bubs what's going on big hey buddy what are you doing i'm just hanging out what are you just complaining again a little bit a little going on with you i ain't nothing what are you always so upset about you always so Oh, I'm so tired. Oh, blah, blah, blah. Oh, I'm so popular. I got to go all the parties. Oh, I got to go shake hands and kiss babies. Come on, bro. Just be happy that, you know, people want you to come hang out and want to see you and stuff. That's a good thing.

Natty Bumpercar: It's a good thing to be like you, bumper car. It's a good thing to do all the things that you, you know. I don't know the words to the song. I just made it up. Yeah, you just made it up. Okay, that's fine. I agree with you, pig. I am happy. I'm so happy. I have a great life. I'm thrilled. But I do, I get sleepy, sleepy tired. And here's what happens. I get super excited about this, that, and this, and that, and those, and this, and this, and that. And then I spread myself too thin, and then I get wah, wah, wah. And that's, you know, that's a good problem to have, that I'm so busy that I'm getting worn out. So if it sounds like I'm complaining. Which I'm sure it did sound like I was complaining because I was kind of. You were definitely complaining a little bit. Yes. That's what you do. I was kind of complaining. That's fine. Then I'm sorry. No. I apologize. That's a thank you. I shouldn't be complaining. I'm living the dream. I'm living the life. The dream, buddy. And I'm happy as a clam. I hope you're good. I'm so good. You never tell me about yourself, guys. You don't ask. And girls, and people, and whatnot. How are you doing? For a second, I thought. You're not answering. Oh, I thought you were talking to me, but then I realized, oh, you're talking to the bumper cop, papa. Buccateers. Yeah, that thing. Yeah. But it's fun. You can ask me how I'm doing, too. Pig, how are you? Oh, thank you. Yeah, of course.

Aloysious J. Pig: I actually am doing, you know.

Natty Bumpercar: You just kind of trailed off like you don't know what I'm doing. No, it's because I get self-conscious. Here's my thing. You like to complain a lot. That's like your thing. What I like to do is I like to keep things close to the vest. I like to keep the cards to the table. I like to keep everything that's going on internally, internal, if you know what I'm saying. And why is that? Because I get nervous. You know, I don't want people to, I had this problem with my friends, right, where I used to complain a lot, and then they just, they would take me there. They'd be like, oh, here comes the pig. He's going to complain. And then they put me over on that shelf, and I never got out of it, which is kind of sad because I want my friends to be like, oh, no, here comes the pig. Watch out, guys. It sounds like a party's about to start. It sounds like a party's about to start up in here. It sounds like a party's about to start up in here. Party up in here. We're pig. Party up in here. Well, but I think once you muddy those waters, it gets, people are like, oh, that's a dude who complains a lot, you know? And even if it ain't your fault, even if you're going through stuff and you're like, oh, you guys are my friends. I'm going to talk to you about this stuff. Then sometimes, sometimes that's just what happens. You end up dumping a lot of negative stuff on your friends, and then they're like, oh, well, here comes Mr. Negative Pig, and then womp, womp, there you go. It's a weird thing. Friendships are weird. I'm not going to lie to you. Not even friendship, but relationships in the whole wide world. For instance, I got this one place I go to for slop, right? The best slop in the whole town, the whole city, the whole state, maybe the whole coast. And I was going there for a while, and then the people started to recognize me, and a couple of times. A couple of times. I was down and out. I made a mess on the table, and all of a sudden, they're not as nice to me, because they're like, oh, here comes that messy pig. And I'm like, bro, I'm a pig. That's what I do. You run a slop restaurant, guess what's going to happen? It's going to get a bit messy, you know? So it's totally cool, though, man, because what you do, you're not stuck to that narrative. You control your own narrative, right? So what you do is you got to go back in, you got to flip the script. You got to rewrite it a little bit. So now when I go into that restaurant, I go in with cleaner, and I actually clean my table like all serious business. Like, I got to make it sparkle, and I got to make it shine. So, you know, here's the thing. Here's the thing. Here's the thing. Here's the thing. You do you. But you got to understand how you act and how the wow reacts to you. Yeah, okay. It's all intertwined. It's all connected. Pig. You understand? Yeah, I do. But that was really insightful and really deep. And I feel like even though you said you want to keep internal things internal, I feel like maybe you just opened up a little bit. Like, maybe you just told us a little bit about the inner workings of pig, which is pretty darn cool, if I do say so myself. And I totally agree with you, too. It's the type of thing where if you go back to your hometown on the holidays or whatever, and people, you know, you haven't been there in 10 years or whatever, but you're seeing people from high school or college or wherever, you know, from a long time ago, and they see you, and they're like, hey, what's up, bumper car green pants, because you wore green pants 20 years ago for four days or something like that, and then that's who you are to them. They're like, yeah, what's up, you remember, man, you used to wear green pants all the time. Oh, bro, your green pants. And you're like, cool. I wore green pants four times in my life, and you happen to be there for it, and so now I'm bumper green pants to you. No, that's great. Completely ignore the last 20 years of my life. That's fine. That makes a lot of sense. Let's just scoot it on back to where I wore green pants a couple of times. And it's weird, because that's the stuff that defines who you are, and it's kind of in your history and in your lineage, and it might have directed, like, maybe I don't wear green pants anymore because I wore it four times, and I got the nickname Natty Green Pants, so maybe, you know, that stuff is definitely important because it happened, but, you know, again, just kind of take that guy to the side and be like, that's hilarious. What's up, porridge Pete, or whatever, you know, because he ate porridge when he was in pre-K, and, you know, but then you're doing the same thing to him, so don't do that. Let's see. Let's think this through. Let's think this through. Let's, uh… What?

Aloysious J. Pig: You went to school with Porridge Pete? Bro, he used to make the best porridge I ever had in my whole life.

Natty Bumpercar: As a matter of fact, and this is a weird connection that you just did to what I just did, but Porridge Pete grew up to open a restaurant that sells slop. That's the restaurant that I was talking about just a minute ago. What? Mind blown. Totally blown. Porridge Pete married this girl named Sally. Right? And then Sally and Pete opened up a little bitty restaurant somewhere far away. It did so well that they franchised that out. Boom, bam, boom. Right? They got all this money, but that wasn't what his dream was. Porridge Pete opened up slop. It's called slop. And he makes all kinds of stuff, like porridge, like stew, like grits, like corn cob soup. Soup? Like, I'm talking, like, all this… All this stuff that's, you know, kind of sloppy meals, right? It's so weird. It's so crazy. So here's the thing. Porridge Pete actually held on to what he was doing when he was growing up, eating the porridge, making the porridge, whereas you, bumper green pants, ain't never wear no green pants no more because you don't want to be known about the green pants. It's weird. He let his history define him. You ran away from your history. You know what I'm thinking, bro? Yeah, that makes sense. Here's the thing. What's the thing? What's the thing? Here's the thing. What's the thing? Tell me what the thing is. Tell me what the thing is. Also, it's really weird and cool that you know Porridge Pete. Yeah, I know. We're going to go… That's cool, too. We're going to go to the mall. We're going to go to the green pants store. We're going to use your gift card that Santa Claus brought to you, and we're going to buy you… Are you ready for it? Are you ready for this? Are you ready for it? Are you ready for this? A whole stick of green pants. 2017 bumper green pants is making his re-arrival upon the scene. He's going to make it crystal clean. He's going to show everybody what he means. He's bumper green pants. He's bumper green pants. Everybody look. It's Natty Green Pants. Go. Natty Green Pants. Natty, Natty Green Pants. Go. Natty Green Pants. Here he comes, y'all. I like the song a lot. I don't like the idea so much. I've got plenty of pants. I do have a gift card, which is kind of cool. We can go to the mall. I'm fine with that. Does Slop… Do they have any locations in mall food courts? Yeah, I think they definitely do. They do. They've got little kiosks. Really? Yeah, you can go. You can get it. No, it sounds interesting to me. All the food that they serve, it sounds pretty darn fascinating. No, it's not interesting or fascinating. I would love to try it if you're willing to go to the mall with me. You're going to buy for me? You're going to buy me some, huh? Of course I'm buying. Perfect. I'm always buying. You're always buying because I'm always selling. No, you're buying because you've got the money bags, all right? Money bags in your green pants and whatnot. All right, let me get my stuff together. Let me make myself pretty because if I'm going out in public, I've got to be like that pig. People are like, oh my God, is that that pig? And I'm like, yeah, of course it is. Hey, what's going on, bro? Like that. Yeah, yeah, no, okay. Okay, you finish this up and I'm going to get ready. I'm going to call Petey Porridge also and I'm going to… Porridge Petey? Porridge Petey, yeah. And we're going to see if he can hook us up. Okay. Okay. Bye, everybody. 2017. You know what I mean? It's me, Aloysius. Hugs and hearts. Bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop. All right, good job. Thanks so much for hanging out, pig. You made me feel better. You actually made me feel a lot better about everything. And you know what? That's how I want to feel and that's how I want you to feel is better.

Podcast: Download | Embed
Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | iHeartRadio | RSS | subscribe

December 30, 2016
Bumperpodcast #278 – Christmas Tree

Pig sings a Christmas song, Bumpercar complains, and then a magical story is shared!

Did you like magic? Let us know by sending an email to bumperpodcast@nattybumpercar.com.

The Bumperpodcast is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp around Headquarters, in Coffee-Can Alley, with Natty Bumpercar and his entire gaggle of pals!

And now, we’re featured on the http://www.laughable.com/ app. Go get it (laughable.com/download)!

About This Episode

In episode 278 of Bumperpodcast, Aloysious J. Pig tries to turn over a new leaf by singing a gentle song to the Christmas tree instead of knocking it over. Natty Bumpercar interrupts with an epic tale of Christmas tree shopping woes, involving tiny overpriced trees, pushy salespeople, and hidden fees for basic services. The episode takes a turn when Natty shares a stomach-turning dinner story about his son Oliver nearly choking on broccoli, only to continue eating mid-throw-up while his brother Emerson flees the scene. This hilarious holiday episode combines festive chaos with parenting adventures.

Memorable Quotes

“I was trying to turn over a new leaf for me a pig and I was trying to be nice to the christmas tree instead of just knocking it over which is what I normally do”

— Aloysious J. Pig

“If I'm at a restaurant and I'm sitting there and what would you like some water I just had a glass of water all right that'll be 18 for a glass of water”

— Natty Bumpercar

“He wasn't even done throwing up. I don't have that kind of determination this kid's got some power people”

— Natty Bumpercar

Topics: #christmas #parenting #shopping #holiday #family #food #christmastrees #kids

Featuring: Aloysious J. Pig, Natty Bumpercar

Full Transcript

Aloysious J. Pig: hello christmas tree hello christmas tree your lights are really glowing hello christmas tree hello christmas tree your ornaments are showing the presents and the stockings too i really want to repent to you oh christmas tree oh hey hey bumper car how are you

Natty Bumpercar: doing i'm doing doing anyway huh wow i'm doing great i i liked i heard your song i was over in the corner listening and uh it's pretty creepy huh no not creepy at all come on all right if

Aloysious J. Pig: you say so i suppose anyway yeah i made up a nice song it's my little holiday songs christmas song whatever song i'm singing to the uh i was singing it to the christmas tree so it's nice you know i was trying to turn over a new leaf for me a pig and i was trying to be nice to the christmas tree instead of just knocking it over which is what i normally do you know huh yeah uh so that's super awesome

Natty Bumpercar: and i appreciate that you're trying to take a new tact with the christmas tree this year because it it's brutal having a tree here um this year was especially crazy because we uh we went to one store no and the christmas trees they were all like four feet tall they were tiny and they were trying to tell me that they were between six and seven feet and i was i'm six feet and so i was looking at the tree and i was just like am i a giant did i grow and my my wife is like oh this one it's fine and i was like it's tiny we can't have tiny tree what are you doing and the prices were more and more and more and more and more expensive too so we had to pack the kids back up which when you tell your kids that they're going to get a christmas tree and then you don't get said christmas tree because the store has tiny christmas trees and they're more expensive the kids don't understand any of that stuff and so what do the kids do they freak out what do you mean we're not getting christmas tree we were supposed to get a christmas tree we want a christmas tree like that it's it's bananas it's bedlam so the car we go back to the other place there's three places that we can potentially go there's probably a hundred but really there's three because i can't keep going after that i don't have it in me so we went to place number two last year place number two man you know we get nice pictures of the kids walking around the christmas trees it's nighttime there's little lights it's this beautiful it was kind of during the day there weren't a lot of trees because the kid was like there was just a really big rush sorry there's not a lot left a big rush all right well show me what you got show me show me what you got there's what is there's like a few kinds of christmas trees there's douglas fir there's ball balsam or something i don't know and there's see i don't know the names of the christmas trees oh man hold on what are the kinds of clouds cumulonimbus serious i don't know all the names of the clouds what's happened to my brain what are the names of the different kinds of rocks ah stalactite no i don't know anything oh no i can't remember things rain where did you go so all right anyway we get a specific kind of tree i don't know what kind it's called but i know it when i see it right and uh so we go we go to one tree and the kid's right on us too he's quote unquote helping us but he's right on us it was just like right when you walk into a store and you see a shirt you like or something and you walk over and you're just like oh look at that shirt do you want it do you want that shirt and he's like taking it out and like draping it over you you're like i no i don't know i just met this shirt all right i have no idea okay okay well and then he does this thing where he picks it up and he knocks it on the ground so that it's supposed to make it look better boom and then all the fronds and then he's like oh my god i don't know bro i don't just relax i just walk i just walk in i'm trying to make this an experience all right i'm trying to get in here walk around a bit with my sweet family look at some trees you know debate which kind we like better whatever learn the different types of this is why i don't know the types of trees because you go in and they kick you right out now i know all right the rocks and the clouds i can't explain that as much anyway last year we got a tree right it's like 40 bucks we'll say i don't really know it's kind of pricey and uh at the end they managed they managed to upsell me because i was in such a tizzy because the kids are so crazy do you want your christmas tree package and i was like yeah okay i don't know what is that and they told me they don't even know what it was like a bag and some stuff you put in the water and something i don't remember what else it was 15 what your tree has now gone up exponentially the price of it frustration but you're at that car already your family's there you've and you've already said yes to this thing and you're just like oh well now i'm stuck so this year i was i went in knowing when 10 that was weird how i said that i went in knowing that uh i was not going to be taken in such a way i was not going to be taken by the christmas tree guys so i waited for the christmas tree package thing to happen and i was like no no i'm good and then the guy goes to ring me up and uh it was i think 10 bucks more than price quoted and i was like what what happened and he's like oh yeah well you got the end lopped off and you got it uh you got it wrapped up and i was like what in my head i didn't know because i'm at a christmas tree place you can't really yell at a christmas tree place but i was like what those are things that you just do those are part of the service like if i'm at a restaurant and and i and i'm sitting there and what would you like some water i just had a glass of water all right that'll be 18 for a glass of water or or even better oh you you what's this extra charge you're seven dollars well you used the napkin that was on the table but the napkin was there the napkin is something that you use you lop off and you put it in the the stuff the net if you're they didn't even they would have charged me to put it on my car or something or i mean i would have figured it out but like you gotta tell a guy christmas is expensive there's expenses everywhere you can't just go adding stuff in terrible so and then i had to tip the kid because he's like you guys like yeah i'm from shader cove and he was like oh yeah i'm too and then i was i was gonna tip him anyway but i felt obligated because then he knows my town he knows me he knows where i live uh yeah

Aloysious J. Pig: bubba car crazy uh i just think it's pretty amazing that i was sitting here by myself singing a nice song about the christmas tree and uh hello christmas tree and then all of a sudden you burst in with all your vim and vigor and start yelling about christmas tree buying and uh ruining my holiday my day here i was gonna i had a beautiful story about snowflakes i was gonna talk about penguins probably i was gonna talk about uh hot chocolate like regular chocolate chocolate versus white hot chocolate i don't know if you've even experienced that but they'll put marshmallows in it sometimes and your mind is just like blown what did i just drink is this sugar milk because it's delicious i'll be having two more cups of the sugar milk please especially if you got snowflake shaped marshmallows boom give it to me give it to me now give it to me give it to me wow give it to me give it to me uh-uh give it to me one time who said what oh sorry i don't know i'm just liking this thing song today i ain't complaining like you right well fine yeah i understand yeah i got oh yeah no no no okay tell the story tell that story that's a good story all right that's a crazy story do it do it do it so uh last night we're

Natty Bumpercar: dinner and we're eating uh the kids are eating pizza bagels like mini pizza bagels uh one's got cheese on it one's got pepperoni on it and then uh ollie had uh little uh broccoli florets florets and uh some ranch dip to dip those in dip dip and uh i don't know applesauce or something anyway so i was helping to feed him and he's cramming the pizza bagels in in in in in in and then uh he was taking care of that so it's really my job to handle the broccoli because he's not gonna put he's not gonna eat that by himself he ain't gonna do it so i thought he had sufficiently uh eaten his pizza bagel but i guess he still had some in there and so i dipped a broccoli floret into some ranch dressing and uh i kind of popped into his mouth pop and knowing full well that maybe it was a little bit too big of a broccoli floret it wasn't huge i'm not gonna it wasn't enormous ginormous but it was maybe just a little too big and so chewing and uh and my wife goes ollie you okay and he's just looking at her she's like just keep chewing and he chews and he chews and uh then like oh we're gonna say 20 seconds later he gets this look at his face and she's like do you need to are you gonna throw up and he just kind of nods his head and then he leans over his plate and just kind of spits out the broccoli oh crisis averted everything is okay right no because then everything that he had just eaten oh onto the plate it was horrifying to see emerson lost his mind ran out of the room screaming right without even taking a break with his right hand oliver reaches around to the other side of the plate and this is a small plate people to the pizza bagel that was still intact that he had not lost yet and he grabs it and goes to pick it up and goes to start eating it he wasn't even done throwing up i don't have that kind of determination this kid's got some power people

Podcast: Download | Embed
Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | iHeartRadio | RSS | subscribe

December 9, 2016
Bumperpodcast #277 – Thanks

So much to catch up on. Thanksgiving, Elfie’s arrival, fear of death – and a need for love. On this weeks Bumperpodcast!

Did you like to play catch? Let us know by sending an email to bumperpodcast@nattybumpercar.com.

The Bumperpodcast is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp around Headquarters, in Coffee-Can Alley, with Natty Bumpercar and his entire gaggle of pals!

And now, we’re featured on the http://www.laughable.com/ app. Go get it (laughable.com/download)!

About This Episode

In this episode, Natty Bumpercar catches up after a two-week hiatus, sharing exciting updates about his painting for an ACLU benefit art show. He reflects on his evolving artistic process, from layered paintings to more distilled works with vibrant colors and textures. Natty recounts hosting Thanksgiving for 16 people at headquarters, detailing his extensive meal prep and cooking adventures, including a 21-pound turkey and homemade stock. The episode takes a touching turn as Natty describes a heartfelt conversation with his son Emerson about mortality and making the most of every day. The episode also announces Bumperpodcast's acceptance to the Laughable podcast platform.

Memorable Quotes

“I wanted to impress on him… you have every single day of your life to be the best you that you can be, to be the nicest, to be the most inclusive.”

— Natty Bumpercar

“There's no relax. I don't know when this ends and I want to make sure that I do everything that I can to make the world even a half of a one-tenth better.”

— Natty Bumpercar

“Orange honey ginger carrots. Oh god they're so good. I'm not even joking they're so good.”

— Natty Bumpercar

Topics: #art #painting #thanksgiving #cooking #parenting #mortality #creativity

Featuring: Natty Bumpercar

Full Transcript

Natty Bumpercar: so here's the thing bumper podcast it's me natty bumper car and there's been so much going on that i haven't told you about because i haven't been here in a couple of weeks because there was there was a holiday and i got busy and i don't know so i gotta jam pack a lot into this episode i apologize for the weird laugh the very beginning i understand that was weird um man i uh i i'm in an art show uh it's a benefit for the aclu which is nice i made a painting it's got it's it's it's nice i like it it made me happy because i uh i uh i was getting down to the deadline where i wasn't you know i was like i gotta get this thing made i gotta get this thing made and so what i did was i i did the design in my head and i even made revisions in my head where i was just like oh i think this should be good i think this should be good i think this should be good i think this should happen no i think this should happen i think this this and then like i i just haven't done that in a while uh because what i used to do when i was painting especially is i would do a lot of layers uh and so like i would make a painting and then i would essentially paint over that painting and it would just be uh with transparencies and stuff it would be like a window to a window to a window into this deeper thing so you could like stare at the painting and be like i'm seeing a lot of different things uh and that's awesome and i do love that and i do kind of miss that um it was also a really good idea to do a painting of a painting of a painting of a painting of a painting also a heartbreaking and treacherous way to make paintings because sometimes i would make stuff that i really liked and it would get obliterated and i would be like but i think that's also kind of what gave those paintings uh a little bit more gravitas at least to me because there was substance behind them there was kind of not whatever but there was like destruction like because there was this nice thing like oh let's say there was a bunny right and then uh half the bunny's going away and now there's an octopus and now the octopus has kind of gone away or different colors come in uh and i would keep working and reworking the uh the structure and the layout of of the painting and until it became what it whatever it was supposed to be i guess and um and that's and that's not how i get to do it these days because i don't have as much time to spend on paintings uh and so i kind of hit a a fork in the path and i and i have gone over to where i'm making uh uh i like to say that they're distilled versions of the old paintings and what that means is i i'll take one of the layers and then uh put it on a painting like on a board or on a piece of paper whatever and a canvas and um and so instead of doing layer on layer on layer then i just kind of split the layers into different um which you're like oh but isn't that making it miss out on something well a long time ago i really thought it did but then i got to start adding stuff like patterns and i got to really start working on um where things were in the paintings and how they interact with each other and how the different colors interact with each other and um texture and stuff like that and so it's it's different but i this on this one especially i was really happy with how it turned out because like in my brain i would be like all right this is gonna go here and this is gonna go here this is gonna go okay and then it worked out and i took enough time where i i did the drawing is on a board and then i uh i was able to actually prime it so that means you put down some white uh gesso which is white paint kind of it's a base and then uh and i did that so that when i put the uh the bright colors on it wouldn't get soaked up into the wood and because sometimes if you paint on wood uh it's got you know the wood has holes where like it it's a tree and so it it sucks up the uh the the liquid and the pigment and sometimes it makes things a little bit more dull but the gesso causes the paint to be on top of the board so it's like color oh and then after i got all the color on i went through and i uh i got colored pencils and so i was able to go through and do little texture and do little lines and little you know marks or whatever to kind of give a little bit more depth so yay painting yay being in an art show very happy yay to being in a benefit i like that that's what i liked i like doing benefits uh when i do the comedy i like doing benefits when i you know it's it's nice to know that the stuff that i make is maybe helping people that makes me feel good um and then we had thanksgiving we had 16 people here at headquarters and i cooked for everybody and i i started cooking on tuesday so i was doing prep like i uh i would have i did a bag of carrots bag of onions some uh celery like anything that i could do in advance i did the cranberry sauce i did um i forget what else one or two other things but i had a lot of stuff ready oh i had uh i made like a sausage stuffing and so there was half i did half sweet sausage and then i had to break the casings for the spicy sausage and i cooked all that down uh and i put some uh white wine into it and i put it in the in the fridge so that it wouldn't dry out and then i did the other stuff and i did the other stuff out and um then wednesday came around and i worked from home and so it was like i do this thing i do uh carrots with citrus honey and wait what is it orange honey ginger orange honey ginger carrots oh god they're so good i'm not even joking they're so good and then i started working on some cornbread stuffing and then i started working on the uh the other stuffing which is like just regular bread stuffing and then i started i made some uh green beans and i blanched because those are going to go in the green bean casserole and then i cooked a whole thing of bacon uh and did some uh brussels sprouts in in the bacon grease and then uh then thursday came around and it was um the 21 pound turkey and i put butter and thyme and sage and um what else was it not parsley thyme sage rosemary uh i cut all that stuff really fine and some garlic and i put that all under the skin salt and pepper and then uh in the cavity there was uh lemons and oranges and then in the pan there was uh white wine so that it would cook up through god was so good and sad today's actually the last day for of leftovers like uh i've eaten everything else i still have uh some turkey left but and then we also so uh thursday so saturday i uh i took the rest of the turkey and i made i had this huge huge pot and i made uh i made stock which i'd never made before so here's what you do with stock which i didn't know it's a lot of water and then you throw the uh the turkey in there and i had celery i had onions i had carrots i had uh other stuff probably oh uh peppercorns black peppercorns and some salt and i let all that for a long time and uh boil and i guess it's you know soaked up all the yummy stuff and then ran it through a cool ran it through a strainer and now i've got like i would say a solid two gallons of uh of stock and i tasted it and it tastes insane so good so i'm happy about these things these are things that i'm happy about um elfie elfie has shown up at our house that officially happened this morning so hooray for that shenanigans who knows that elfie's gonna get into every year the advent calendar is up which you know means i gotta go get stuff for the advent calendar and start putting stuff in there and threatening the children that if they're not good that maybe the advent calendar won't be full maybe elfie's not gonna come he's gonna go back to santa claus and he's gonna tell him what you did what did we do you were naughty no yes the other night i was sitting in emerson's room and i was putting him in the bathroom and i was like oh my god i'm gonna put him to bed and um he he was having a rough day i guess and uh he says to me he goes i mean no i got him into bed he was he was done right and and and he was laying there and then he starts sobbing and i was just like buddy what is what's going on with you and he goes uh hey i just don't want to die and my little my heart my heart it broke right it i was just like buddy he's like and i don't want you to die and i was just like emerson listen everybody dies right as a parent i had to i wanted to immediately say you know get that out of the way this is a thing that happens this is reality this is life um but then you know once i kind of lay out this thing i said but you know you have every single day of your life you have every single day of your life that you are here on this planet that you are around your family that you are around your friends everyone who loves you so much to to be the best emerson that you can be to be the nicest to be the most inclusive to not push anyone out to not uh denigrate anyone or be mean to anyone or bully anyone you have this time that you've been given to be the best you that you can be and it was a real it was one of those moments where i i was just like i am parenting so good right now and all the words that were coming out of my mouth i could tell that he was listening to and and i just really wanted to impress on him and i think it's super important for everyone and this is where i kind of bring you know what i'm talking about because you don't have unlimited time you don't have all the time in the world um sometimes i get made fun of not me know what i've poked fun at because i go constantly i make constantly i do constantly right i'm either doing comedy or doing the podcast or painting or anything i make as much stuff as i can and they're like just relax i'm like there's no relax i don't know when this ends and i want to make sure that i do everything that i can and everything that i'm supposed to to make the world even a half of of a one-time 10 better because that's all we have hey and real quick this is natty bumper car back again first time we've ever done this a little after the scratch uh we are thrilled that the bumper podcast has been accepted on the laughable podcast platform and thank you so much we're super excited and if you have an iphone there's a great new app it's called laughable and you should go get it and look for bumper podcast look for natty bumper car uh and it's it's a good curated way to find cool uh podcasts that you'll enjoy um there's thousands of them all right so you can search for your favorite comedians on the laughable thing and it's shows that they're either on like their shows or shows that they've been guests on so do it right hooray thank you laughable let's do this oh my washer's singing a song to us thanks washer

Podcast: Download | Embed
Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | iHeartRadio | RSS | subscribe

December 1, 2016
Bumperpodcast #276 – Ruggy

Bumpercar lays out the trials and tribulations of Ruggy are laid out to the court of public opinion.

Did you know Ruggy? Let us know by sending an email to bumperpodcast@nattybumpercar.com.

The Bumperpodcast is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp around Headquarters, in Coffee-Can Alley, with Natty Bumpercar and his entire gaggle of pals! We’re trying to stay positive here, people!

About This Episode

In this hilarious episode of Bumperpodcast, host Natty Bumpercar shares a relatable parenting saga about his son Emerson and a beloved rug named Ruggy. After accidentally tracking dog poop onto the boys' bedroom rug, Natty faces days of complaints from Emerson about the soiled carpet. When Natty finally removes the rug, Emerson has an emotional meltdown over losing Ruggy, despite having complained about it for nearly a week. The situation escalates into a 15-minute parenting negotiation involving options, signatures, and the threat of Ruggy going to the curb forever. Natty also reflects on the challenge of telling each child he loves them equally, and reveals the incident may have been triggered by filming a Hershey chocolate eating challenge for their YouTube channel.

Memorable Quotes

“He's given the rug a name, the rug is named Ruggy, which I've never heard this rug have a name before.”

— Natty Bumpercar

“I love you more than any Emerson in the whole entire world. That's how I have to get around that, because if I say I love you more than anything, then he immediately takes that as an affront against his brother.”

— Natty Bumpercar

“You have two options: rug in the basement, rug gets clean this weekend, happy rug, happy life. Or if you complain about said rug, Ruggy is gonna go away forever.”

— Natty Bumpercar

Topics: #parenting #familylife #kids #dogs #cleaning #humor #podcasting #brothers

Featuring: Natty Bumpercar

Full Transcript

Natty Bumpercar: oh well if it isn't the bumper podcast hey it's me natty bumper car and it is a good day you know why because i'm here and i'm talking to you and that's all i want to do really if i could if i had my druthers if uh if the money truck pulled up here to headquarters uh and said hey bumps guess what you can do with anything you want you know what i would be doing boom this talking to you probably other stuff too i'm not gonna lie i have to eat all right leave me alone for just a few minutes i've got tea upstairs it's waiting for me no uh how's how are you i've missed you since last week uh last week we had a special guest that was uh emerson he did a great job like afterwards i was just like that was the best because you actually there was give and take like you talked to me you did little funny bits his little whisper bit i was i loved it loved it so much so what that tells me is i am grooming the next generation of podcasters i apologize for that uh that is that is going to be on me it's my fault i uh speaking of him here's a crazy thing that happened uh his his in in in the boy's room there's a rug it's a white rug it's got circles on it uh they're kind of uh uh a really low uh not tone but color uh not not pastel quite but it's almost like they put colors like they're circles like it's like blue and yellow uh red and purple whatever and then they and then they like put the transparency on so they're there but they're kind of not there but they're it's just a nice simple rug uh and evidently someone uh my wife this is my wife she said someone was outside and tracked in what i can only assume is dog poop and there were two people in the room and they were like oh my god they're like oh my god they're like oh my god they're like oh my god they're like oh my god they're in the room when she had that conversation and she was looking directly at one of them and that one was me so she's under the assumption that i went out into the yard and uh put i think it's like six little spots of of dog poo on the kid's rug which i didn't mean to do and i was like fine i'll clean it i just hadn't had a chance emerson uh discovered the uh the soiled rug on i mean like seven days ago eight days ago and he's been freaking out ever since every single night get me away from this rug this rug's got dog poop i can't be on this rug i don't want to be near this rug why is there why is this in my room this is horrible this is disgusting and he would like make uh he would walk around like he would have to shimmy against the wall to go around and then in the morning he would scream somebody has to come get me out of this bed because i can't walk across the road and it was just horrible right every single night and every single day it was the saga of the uh of the rug so finally two nights ago uh i think i was putting him to bed no two nights i don't know who was i can't remember but i i i got infuriated i got mad and i said fine and i i balled up the rug which is tough to do because it's like an eight by ten rug but i balled it up and i took it out of the room and he was just like what what what are you and he starts like in that way that kids get when they're like they can't even process what is happening and i threw the rug into uh in the spare bedroom and uh and he was just like what would you do with my rug rug and then he screams ruggy he's given the rug a name the rug is named ruggy which i have i've never heard this rug have a name before and i was just like ruggy and he's just like why did you take ruggy away and i was just like you you're the reason i took ruggy away why i would never and i was just like you've complained about the rug for six at this point it was and for six days straight you have complained about the rug being in your room you have screamed at the rug because it has it is dirty you you you have been anguishing over this rug being in your room and so i have now removed the rug from the equation i have taken the rug out of your room what are you gonna do with it when is it gonna come back i miss ruggy i was just like buddy i am going to vacuum the rug and then i am going to use the uh wet the uh called the the rug vac uh shampooer whatever we have it's one of these things you put water in you put shampoo in you shampoo the rug that's what we have why because we have a dog and what does the dog do he makes horrible messes so what do we have to do shampoo the rugs plus they need them anyway because the house smells terrible let's be honest if you've ever been here i'm sorry the house smells bad it's not that i don't clean all the time every day it's just that the dog smells really bad and two little boys smell there's a lot of smells happening in his house so he uh he was just like you're gonna clean it tonight and i was just like no i'm gonna clean it on saturday saturday that'll take for a long time that's forever from now and i was just like that's in two days two days and he was like well what am i supposed to do if i fall out of my bed and i don't have ruggy to roll around on and i was just like i don't i think you're making problems up at this point i think that you're inventing problems at this point and he was just like like still he was freaking out this is a solid 15 minute freak out to the point where i said okay i will bring the rug back into your room i will put the rug back down so that ruggy is here and he was like okay and i was like however this is my big however however if you complain about ruggy if i hear you say one thing about ruggy being dirty ruggy is going to go to the curb and he's like to the trash and i was just like to the trash my wife is looking at me like what are you doing and i was just like no he has two options he can either i can put it in the basement and clean it this weekend which is in two days or if i bring it back and he loses his mind again it's gone because i just can't i reached the point as a parent where i just couldn't deal with it anymore it was too much he didn't get it all he heard was the rug is in the trash the rug is gone the rug is in the garbage the rug is done and i was just like no so i ran downstairs got a piece of paper got a pen drew like almost like a comic strip i was just like here's step one ruggy's in your room you're happy here's step two ruggy gets dirty you're freaking out here's step three takes the rug away now you have two options and i drew arrows from the options option one then i just laid everything out again rug in the basement rug gets clean this weekend happy rug happy rug happy life or whatever it is and option two and i made sure i had him sign off on option one as in do you understand what option one is sign here yes okay perfect we can now move on to option two option two if daddy brings the rug back into your room the rug which is still dirty i will still clean it this weekend however if you complain about said rug in quotes ruggy then ruggy is gonna go away forever it was bad parenting on my part i think uh because again all he focused on was ruggy's going away ruggy's gone ruggy's out of his life i have effectively taken ruggy away from him and he was just like you're taking ruggy away from me because you hate me and i was just like i love you more than anything and then he goes more than ollie and i was just like i can't play that game right now i love you're my favorite emerson in the whole entire world on the whole planet i love you more than any emerson ever that's how i have to get around that because if i say i love you more than anything then he just immediately he has to take that as an affront against his brother i love you more than anything more than him no like come on i love you guys equally well then you don't love me more than anything ah well then i love you more than any emerson how about that at which point ollie goes but what about me and i'm like well i love you more than any oliver ever and ever in the whole world in the whole planet more than any oliver so basically i got him calmed down ruggy was still in the other room and he woke up in the morning like nothing had ever happened nothing ruggy's in the basement right now awaiting his cleaning which will happen now tomorrow morning and then he'll go back in the room he'll be bright fresh ready for a new day a brand new ruggy for a brand new year uh and my wife was like why did this happen and i was just like i don't know and then we looked back on the events of the evening and for our youtube channel which is still happening we all we do is film stuff for it i have to film it for you i'm still learning how to edit uh we had done the hershey challenge what is that that's where you eat as much chocolate as you can in two minutes so maybe that's what happened huh

Podcast: Download | Embed
Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | iHeartRadio | RSS | subscribe

November 18, 2016