Tag: comedy

Bumperpodcast #387 – Got a Benefit Haircut

On today’s Bumperpodcast, Natty talks about getting his haircut, and spills some tea on some super-exciting news!

The Bumperpodcast is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp around Headquarters, in Coffee-Can Alley, with Natty Bumpercar and his entire gaggle of pals!

You should send us an email to bumperpodcast@nattybumpercar.com. We’re here and we’re listening!

Go like our Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/TheBumperpodcast/)!! Also, The Bumperpodcast can now be found on the https://non-productive.com/ network. Yay!!!!

About This Episode

In this episode of Bumperpodcast, Natty Bumpercar broadcasts from a freezing cold car in a chaotic parking lot where cars drive over curbs and babies escape carts. Natty reflects on a successful charity livestream event where his family cut his long hair and beard with guidance from comedian friend Donna V, raising money for good causes. The episode takes an awkward turn when Natty's Zoom username 'Natty Bumpercar' confuses his coworkers, and gets exciting when he announces he's illustrating a children's book about a Christmas tree named Douglas. Between parking lot mayhem and major life updates, Natty reminds listeners why doing comedy for charity feels so rewarding.

Memorable Quotes

“I was on a work call yesterday and someone goes 'hey what's a natty bumper car' and I just didn't know what to do, just threw my computer out the window.”
— Natty Bumpercar

“Out of the blue popcorn the dog zips into the room and tries to start eating the hair and it was calamity, it was just like get the dog away from the hair!”
— Natty Bumpercar

“I think we're gonna have a book illustrated by me natty bumper car what is that bananas did I just bury the lead?”
— Natty Bumpercar

Topics: #charity #haircut #workfromhome #children'sbooks #illustration #parkinglot #comedy #thanksgiving

Featuring: Natty Bumpercar, Producer

Full Transcript

Natty Bumpercar: yay bumper podcast hey it's me natty bumper car and i am hanging out doing the thing doing stuff life is difficult life is rough oh no i'm in a parking lot and i just watched a uh a car drive over a uh a curb it wasn't intentional i hope they're okay oh they seem to be all right you okay you okay bud worried about you don't you don't drive over the curb that's what it's there for it's to curb your progress as it were uh so yeah i am still in the car that's where i that's where i am that's where i be that's where i is mbs yeah and the fun thing is is that it's getting chilly out and so it's it's it's cold it's 37 degrees outside right now uh and that also means it's probably 37 degrees inside the car right now um pretty happy with that pretty thrilled that i'm essentially in a freezer and i have a jacket on and i got a little hat i've got little gloves i've got little shoesies and uh not helping no because here's the thing even if you kind of bundle up and you sit outside in the cold you're still gonna get cold yeah and i'm out here for a few hours and so um the cold the cold gets to me anyway here's another thing that gets to me we had a big week last week i don't know if you knew this but my hair and my beard were incredibly long like bananas long nine months or so i guess that it all grew out and uh curly hair came back i had a nice like big poof curls just locks locks and locks of lots wait lots and lots of locks locks of locks of locks of not no i don't know there's a lot of hair a lot of hair a lot of hair beard and uh so we set it up with a friend of mine who's a comedian her name is donna donna v she has a uh a hair haircut in place they call those salons and we we decided okay here's what we're gonna do we're gonna live stream my family cutting my hair while you donna is on the other side giving them advice and trying to uh to help them along so that they don't injure me and they didn't they didn't there's no injury it was it was it was wonderful and not just the show but we actually were able to raise money for uh for for charities that needed it which is amazing and we were talking about it when a lot of of the shows that we used to do were uh benefit shows and so like probably a couple a month at least and so that was for kitty cat rescues and just animal rescues in general and and families in need and clothing drives and food drives and and just all kinds of stuff and it always made doing comedy even more fun because not only am i getting to go out and bibble babble with my words but i'm also not just me obviously but everyone in the shows is is actually raising money and helping people and what i always noticed uh were the crowds who were there at benefit shows they were happy to be there because they were getting a night out and they were getting to laugh and they were able to help people and so it was like a trifecta of of good feeling good vibes it were so it was very nice to be able to organize and set this up with donna to uh you know be able to help be able to help help help help and um so it was fun because initially it was supposed to be my kids and they were going to be doing the hair cutting and they had scissors eep and they had buzzers and okay i guess i had a brush some sort of spray stuff they didn't really touch that stuff and we were going to do it outside and because i wanted to keep the mess to a minimum but it was so cold and so windy that we had to move it inside but that's fine because it was probably better for audio and lighting and all that jazz and we donna and i kind of started and we were setting the table and here's why we're here here's what we're doing and you know you know what we thought was going to play this raial or vape on and i thought oh this was a realult and we're gonna jump in and i don't know what's going on with the dealt today actually on the day of her ingains visit to the beet shed exciting elsius doing it he was trying to do it backwards and i was like no you have to do it like this and you know it was it was cute and it was fun and then eventually my wife stepped in and i think she was really sick of the uh of the hair and she took over the clippers and she she was not messing around she was just you know all gone and it was we had for a little bit we had a little mohawk type action which is which is fun uh and a big like we shaved the side of the beard so we had a big whatever the is it i don't know if it's a goatee type thing i don't know what this thing is in the front i had some uh so it looked amazing and then we got rid of the uh the the thing at the top the mohawk and and and just had like this column of hair above my head and it made me very happy and it i was actually i was hard pressed to uh to get rid of that i was very much thinking i was just like we we could stop here this this might be the new hair but uh no it was not meant to be so but we raised money and uh did a lot of sweeping in the house and the most horrific thing the most disgusting thing uh so there's all this hair on the floor and oliver was doing a great job of sweeping it up and into a nice pile and out of the blue popcorn the dog zips into the room oh and tries to start eating the hair and it was calamity it was just like get the dog away from the hair it's disgusting ah yeah dogs man they they just eat stuff oh oh i still get the shivers just thinking about it it's just oh anyway uh so yeah that was a big exciting thing this week and i finally i have shorter hair and i uh there's it's you know it's still pretty messy so i'm fine with that uh but it looks better so now i'm not terrified if uh if i if i'm on a work call and people are like we have to turn on the cameras which they never really do because nobody wants to see anybody uh i was on a work call yesterday and i logged in to like i had like a long hair that's just kinda partly because i was auration for him so he turned on one and we had like a long hair and he was like uh i need to do this and he actually did you know start them first and then they're like you know i'm sick of me so i defined me by reviewed my hair and i'm about to get the damn é job and i'm going to do some and and i guess it had retained my name and someone on the work call goes uh hey what's a natty bumper car and i just didn't know what to do just threw my computer out the window just like no and the most embarrassing part was that i had to go out and then gather up and get the computer and it had not hung up so yeah most of their discussion evidently had been about my reaction and throwing the computer and still what is a natty bumper car so that was unpleasant i think to say the least but that's okay you know you live you learn i um do have some other ferociously exciting news so i've been working on a book for like a year year and a half with a friend of mine another comedian his name is joe carney and he wrote a book about a little christmas tree and the little christmas tree is called douglas and like a douglas fur ah and it we finally he finally he finished writing it he got it edited and i drew the illustrations for it and that's all cool and exciting but the real exciting part is that just today i sent over i think it was like the third revisions so they had a couple of little edits like oh that thing is weird fix that thing whatever so i i sent it over and i i don't know when but before thanksgiving which is next week i think we're gonna have a book i think we're gonna have a book illustrated by me natty bumper car what is that bananas did i just bury the lead did i talk about a haircut for a long time and i could have been talking about this wow i don't want to jinx myself but it is it's very far along and so now we're just trying to figure out the right format to get because right now it's a digital book and then we're gonna turn it into uh i guess hard soft cover um and i think the guy who's doing the uploading was having some some problems problems as it were with the uh with that process but we're gonna figure it out because the goal is to to have it before thanksgiving so you better cross your fingers and wish me good luck because this is this is a milestone this is a oh somebody's lost there's a baby baby baby the baby in the cart go get the baby get the baby got him well there's a lot of excitement in this parking lot guys normally the parking lot that i sit in is uh boring nothing exciting happening but this parking lot got people driving over curbs you got loose babies going everywhere yeah um so anyway i'll keep you posted um douglas the book doing benefit shows and i think we're gonna do more benefit shows and it's just there's a lot going on i told you did you even believe me you should i'm doing this on this new crazy microphone and i have to admit there's a weird delay from when i talk and when i hear it so i hope it comes out okay and i hope you come out okay and i hope that you're safe and i hope that you're awesome and i know that you are because you are mine bumper podcast

Producer: this has been a non-productive media presentation executive producer frank hablaui this program and many others like it on the non-productive network is distributed under a creative commons attribution non-commercial no derivatives license please share it but ask before trying to change it or sell it for more information visit non-productive.com

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November 18, 2020
Bumperpodcast #386 – A new microphone

Natty is still stuck in a car – but, now he has a new microphone. He also has no lunch …. The Bumperpodcast is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp around Headquarters, in Coffee-Can Alley, with Natty Bumpercar and his entire gaggle of pals! You should send us an email to bumperpodcast@nattybumpercar.com. We’re here and we’re listening! Go like our Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/TheBumperpodcast/)!! Also, The Bumperpodcast can now be found on the https://non-productive.com/ network. Yay!!!!

About This Episode

Natty Bumpercar and Aloysious J. Pig discuss the podcast's irregular recording schedule in this hilariously chaotic episode. Pig discovers he's been getting paid while Natty works for mere 'exposure,' leading to a debate about artist compensation featuring negotiated payment in tacos and quesadillas. Rufus T. Rufus weighs in on contracts and accounting while managing to mangle the names of Pig's other show's characters. The gang touches on missed episodes, Halloween stories that are now too old to tell, and lost computers before wrapping up with detailed nacho orders and pandemic safety reminders.

Memorable Quotes

“Exposure doesn't buy me any tacos”
— Aloysious J. Pig

“We're paying you with experience. This is a high profile gig, which means you're getting a lot of eyeballs, a lot of ears on your product.”
— Rufus T. Rufus

“You gotta pay the talent and everybody knows that I'm the talent. I can make a little song, I could do a little dance, I could tell a couple jokes.”
— Aloysious J. Pig

Topics: #comedy #podcasting #artistcompensation #contracts #food #recordingschedules #friendship

Featuring: Natty Bumpercar, Producer

Full Transcript

Natty Bumpercar: well well well if it isn't the bumper podcast the uh once every uh three or four weeks uh podcast that happens sometimes exciting news uh we got a little microphone that plugs into the computer so that as i'm sitting in the car i don't know if you listened to the last episode it was so long ago i barely remember it myself but i can i can sit in the car and and try to record these things because uh the issue being uh i'm sitting in my car a lot i don't have access to uh the studio back at headquarters and uh so i um hey bumper car what's going on everybody everybody it's my friend pig aloesius jay pig what's going on aloesius jay pig that's a great song and everything uh i was wondering about this new recording schedule do i still get paid the same amount wait wait what you get paid to do the bumper i didn't know that who's signing those checks well as you can imagine netty uh it's our rufus t rufus actually comes in and signs the ledger the signs the does the accounting that does the uh balance into the books as it were and i haven't charge of uh human resources well we have human resources accounting uh-huh let's see the legal department yeah that makes sense as i do that as well and uh got my i got my uh fingers in a lot of pies as as as it were oh cool so i mean i guess that begs the question if if pig is getting does that mean that like i get paid as well well that's that's a terrific question uh for you to ask uh i don't know if you've looked at your contract lately but uh what we're paying you with is experience we're paying you this is a high profile uh gig uh as as they say and that means you're getting a lot of eyeballs a lot of ears on your product which means you get to promote yourself you understand so are you getting paid yes insofacto you are getting paid long term this is a long game of getting your uh name out there uh for people to go and then purchase whatever products you have or whatever it is i honestly natty it's you you got the best of both worlds you get to come on the bubba podcast you get to do your thing and then people everybody out there everybody in the world did like oh natty bumper car i gotta go get me some of that bumper car whatever you know your uh what is it your uh yogurt whatever yum yum sure sure yeah uh yeah so it's really getting getting your name out there and that's that's worth more than any money you could ever buy you i would think i i i kind of disagree i mean i kind of see what you guys are saying um that seems to happen a lot with uh artists and uh comedian whatever kind of you know like entrepreneur like not opportune uh entertainers where people are like hey you want to come do my show and you're like yeah sure uh you know what's what does it pay and they say oh this is a non-paying gig but just think of all the exposure you're gonna get and you're like exposure doesn't buy me any tacos now hold on a second as i just heard you say if you'd like to be paid in tacos then we can certainly cut back on some of the exposure because you know we do promote this and uh maybe work that out with a chimichanga a chalupa something like that a little taco action a burrito uh maybe a i don't know a chalupa a quesadilla i know we could do that as well i know we had a uh a uh an entertainer uh that we used to pay in uh in in in in in quesadilla and he was very happy with the deal uh and my uh contract that uh lunch is actually provided and you're talking about all this food if i could get just a plate of nachos today wait i would very much appreciate it are you kidding me you have you get lunch and you get paid this is how how who who is who did your contract this doesn't make any sense to me like i it's the bumper podcast i am natty bumper car and so it's named after me me and here we go always comes back to the name listen natty you gotta pay the talent and everybody knows that i'm the talent i can make a little song i could do a little dance i could tell a couple jokes okay i do jokes everybody's here for pig well yeah but um i mean i guess a lot of people are here for me too probably i mean like for instance we've been recording so infrequently that i have all kinds of cool fun stories like i could talk about halloween yeah so halloween already happened and uh some people aren't gonna be interested because it was a while it was you know it's last week so it's like that's old news so you gotta maybe uh think of something else um what about oh ah what about i don't think i told anybody about when we lost the computer and what a big you know deal that turned into and and and how crazy that was for a few days right i uh again it was like it was it feels like that was like a year ago and maybe more i don't know it was a long time ago i think we can agree on that right i don't well i don't think it was it was quite that long ago but i mean i guess it was a little while ago but it was such a crazy story that i thought that people might want to hear it or i don't know i could talk about like the outdoor comedy shows that you know i've done a few i don't want to step on your toes but it's kind of like a whatever floats your boat type of situation uh bumper car uh me you know i like uh to take every opportunity every show to kind of uh you know i i call it i say kick out the jams raise the roof i don't like to rehash i don't like to go back in time i like to look forward in time if you understand okay a little bit of time i don't like to go back in time i like to look forward in time little pig progress is what i'm all about okay um yeah you really have deflated you've deflated me taking the wind out of my sails here aloysius um oh i forgot to tell you too there are some people who have missed you uh and or are asking me how you have been doing uh yeah who's somebody's asking you about me yeah i hope you're not telling you don't talk to you what do you say because i know i'm interested in in that which we're in a whole new world right now who exactly is asking you about me i mean based on your current reaction i don't think i feel like giving out any names but just people who are concerned they haven't seen you you you just abruptly stopped doing uh hanging out with pig and pals and you know because we haven't been recording the podcast as often like people are just kind of just like where's where's pig haven't seen pig and uh that's really all they asked me that it's not anything beyond that it's just like where is pig is pig okay we miss pig now i believe i can step in here uh pig is currently under contract contractual uh re-mitigation for hanging out with pig and pals and we're trying to figure out how to bring the show back because we understand that it was beloved as in the community in the whole world somebody once said it brings a light to the day in the darkness and especially now that you know it's dark when you wake up and it's dark when you go to bed we need more light we need more aloes we need more uh i don't know all the other little friends that come along there's i don't know uh timmy maybe uh zippy phil i don't know the names necessarily but you know there's like a horse a frog whoever it is but uh a lot of dinosaurs i remember that but anyway we're we're we're working behind the scenes to see what we can get done okay i i love uh rufus the names i don't think you even got one right you're like oh you know we got marshmallow we got uh an animal cracker we got uh um uh shampoo random things i love shampoo i like i like zippy and skippy no it's a good one i think uh oh well okay well then that makes me happy and i think maybe that and also people missed you because you were doing the uh open mic you were sneaking in at the end of the open mic when it was virtual and to the cedar beans show and and that hasn't been happening virtually lately and so uh people have been missing you there too so i mean i you know you were really out there and you were there for a while pig and uh feels like you've kind of pulled back a little bit which is totally understandable you got a lot on your plate yes she's like an eating thing like you say i eat too much food no that's not what it was at all i was just saying you you have a lot that you're responsible for maybe i guess that's what i'm trying to say um anyway cool uh yeah so listen bumper car i'm glad you're here i'm glad you got this this cool new microphone that we can try to do shows with so hopefully you'll be able to hear me you can start doing more shows then people will get more pig which will make more people happy um and again uh i don't know who's responsible for getting my lunch today rufus but nachos would be nice with some black olives some cheese i don't no sour cream please it makes the chips kind of yucky uh guacamole do it like that a couple of onions you know uh and uh tomatoes some uh uh uh what's that it called picante no it's uh it's uh it's salsa picante what am i thinking what's picante i don't know i don't know you know how i like it just my my normal order so i'm uh i guess if we're doing lunch orders that i'm actually pretty hungry as well so i would love to get in on this pig it was great talking to you and i uh no no so natty you actually remember you don't get lunch on your contract you don't get nothing you get no zero okay zilch okay nada all right all right so you maybe you can share off a pig's plate or get something else okay so i guess no lunch for me but i'm glad we just recorded an episode i hope you're doing well we've missed you tremendously please stay safe um keep social distancing keep wearing masks wash your paws wash your claws wash your hands woman and man we got to get through this and the only way we're going to get through this is together bumper podcast this has been a non-productive media presentation executive producer frank

Producer: hablaui this program and many others like it on the non-productive network is distributed under a creative commons attribution non-commercial no derivatives license please share it but ask before trying to change it or not or sell it for more information visit non-productive.com

Podcast: Download | Embed
Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | iHeartRadio | RSS | subscribe

November 5, 2020
Bumperpodcast #384 – All you can

Natty got stuck at an ‘All You Can Eat’ establishment. He is terribly sorry for his absence. He hopes that you are happy to hear from him. He understands if you are not. The Bumperpodcast is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp around Headquarters, in Coffee-Can Alley, with Natty Bumpercar and his entire gaggle of pals! You should send us an email to bumperpodcast@nattybumpercar.com. We’re here and we’re listening! Go like our Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/TheBumperpodcast/)!! Also, The Bumperpodcast can now be found on the https://non-productive.com/ network. Yay!!!!

About This Episode

In this hilarious episode of Bumperpodcast, host Natty Bumpercar returns after the longest absence in the show's history to explain his month-and-a-half disappearance. Natty spent weeks at an all-you-can-eat buffet, taking the restaurant's promise quite literally and exploring every food station from fruits to pancakes to a specialty corn bar. While the headquarters sat empty and his friends Aloysius J. Pig, Rufus T. Rufus, and Popcorn the dog wondered where he'd gone, Natty bonded with the restaurant staff and may have inadvertently contributed to their closure. Now back home to a messy house and an angry dog, Natty reflects on adult responsibilities, teases his upcoming Bumper Barn project, and shares plans for a local bookstore featuring his yogurt business Yum Yeah.

Memorable Quotes

“I said are there any limits they said no am i allowed to use the restroom they said yes and i said well then i am going to be here for a long time”
— Natty Bumpercar

“Did you know when you're an adult 93% of your life is straightening and cleaning and then the rest is taking care of keeping the children alive and keeping your job”
— Natty Bumpercar

“I was there all i could eat I was living up to exactly what they wanted me to do and i was also sadly leaving my responsibilities behind”
— Natty Bumpercar

Topics: #restaurants #food #responsibility #friendship #businessventures #comedy #adulting #absence

Featuring: Natty Bumpercar, Producer

Full Transcript

Natty Bumpercar: so a lot of people have been saying to me natty bumper car um what is going on where have you been the bumper pod this is the longest you've ever gone without doing a bumper podcast like your entire life up to when you started the bumper podcast and then the bumper podcast and then now this but even before because when you were a baby you recorded some episodes and those got lost obviously uh so this is now officially the longest time in my entire life that i have gone without recording an episode of the bumper podcast and i'm going to be honest to you bumper podcast i was at lunch and it was a very long lunch it was an all-you-can-eat buffet and i said you just wait and see what i'm gonna do you just wait and see what i'm gonna do to this all-you-can-eat buffet i said are there any limits they said no am i allowed to use the restroom they said yes and i said well then i am going to be here for a long time and they said okay well we do close at uh you know nine o'clock and i said you know my friend no you do not because all you can eat implies all you can eat forever and uh month and a half i was there eating just eating and eating and eating every hour of every day did i put on weight a little bit do i feel good about myself not really did i know everyone by name i did know the manager the owner the whole family they would come in and and and it was interesting because i was there for so long that they would initially they were confused and then they got kind of angry that i was still there still eating all the food and then we turned a corner and they started to cheer me on they were like go but i i had all i could eat so i moved on i came back to headquarters uh empty headquarters a big mess don't know where anyone is um door was unlocked and the the fridge was open which was disgusting because it was smelly messages and messages uh where are you hey help no one's we got bills to pay mortgages due you know uh problems there were a lot of problems is all i'm going to say so here i am recording an episode of the bumper podcast all by myself very full of food all kinds of food i went to there was a fruit station i started there a lot of the days uh and then if i didn't want that sometimes i'd go to the salad station maybe i'm gonna skip all of that and i'm gonna go to the pancake station oh no i'm making myself hungry again huh and there's no food here oh well they even had a cool corn station like an ear of corn and then you could get all kinds of stuff on it sweet or savory so one day i had had an ear of corn and they drizzled honey on it and it was very messy but it was very delicious one day i had an ear of corn just salt and pepper just plain just basic not even any butter i didn't need it the corn was sweet enough if i'm to be honest one day i went to the bread station and at that station it was great because at different points the day they had different things in the morning they had uh bagels they had croissant they had muffins they had uh just just everything you could imagine and then and later they would turn and would have rolls and little baguettes and uh even you could like they had like these little loaves of bread and little flour pots that you could take back to your table and it was delicious man i really miss this place this restaurant uh they're out of business now also by the way i should let you know that i feel horrible about it i'm pretty sure i don't have anything to do with it but i was there for a long time and at a point there were some health inspectors coming in and they were checking on me and i did hear some crying from the people and i was like oh my god i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry on the back room the office uh and i think i couldn't really make out what they said but it was something like he's he's putting us out of business he's killing our restaurant i don't know who they were talking about couldn't have been me because i was there all i could eat i was i was living up to exactly what they wanted me to do and i was also sadly leaving my responsibilities behind and forgetting to do the podcast forgetting to take popcorn the dog for a walk forgetting to hang out with my friend Aloysius J Pig forgetting to stay in touch with Rufus T Rufus that's okay they're gonna come back I'm sure of it now that I'm here the phone's been plugged in I can start reaching out to people checking in let's get the band back together let's get everybody back get over here you guys let's make some more wacky stuff did I tell you I uh while I was at the restaurant I was still able to do comedy uh just virtually of course and then my phone ran out and I had to stop but uh I could I could sit there and record myself as I was I was I was eating right and one day uh I was I was eating a uh a veggie burger as I was eating a veggie burger as I was eating a veggie burger as I was eating a veggie burger as I was telling jokes and it was it was a hoot um nah I'm just kidding I didn't do any comedy I did in my head I tried to do comedy for the people around me at the different tables and uh I was like hey table number seven over there looking good are you guys on a first date nice where did you meet oh that's a great place to meet hey Francois he was one of the waiters take care of table number seven because they're on their way to the restaurant their first date why don't you make some magic happen makes make a love connection and Francois he was always so funny because he was embarrassed by the whole thing and he uh he was just like no no no no and the couple was just like why is can we see a man why is this guy talking to us he looks like he hasn't showered or bathed in weeks he looks pretty rough and I will admit I did I was not my best that's okay because I was I was fulfilling to the letter of the law all I could eat and now back here guess we're gonna have a podcast again that's kind of fun I like doing the podcast I also see I mean I have to clean the house I don't like that I probably have to clean the yard it's a lot of cleaning I have to do a lot of straightening did you know when you're an adult and especially when you're an adult you have to do a lot of cleaning you have to do a lot of cleaning when you have kids 93% of your life is straightening and cleaning and then the rest is taking care of keeping the children alive and keeping your job that's a lot mathematically it does it doesn't work out because it's like there's like percentages and there's 20% 16% 80% yada yada yada I don't do math I eat I clean I straighten um popcorn the dog did come out I am now seeing her she looks angry at me she's looking what are you looking at me like that for I'm your I'm your pal Maddie bumper car I feed you my used to have you been eating I hope you have watch this I'm gonna pull I'm gonna reach into my bag here I actually uh in a napkin rolled up some rolls and uh rolled some rolls and some paper towels some napkins from the restaurant just in case I got uh peckish a little hunger on the way home you do you eat rolls popcorn you're not talking to me she won't even look at me treat I got a roll look at this roll oh nothing nothing all right that's fine sorry popcorn we'll figure it out I'll go get you some kibble dogs love kibble you're have you ever eaten kibble no I gotta look up what's kibble is it just the shape of the food is it this type of food is it just dogs that eat kibble I think cats eat kibble too but is there like hamster kibble fish kibble baby kibble I'm gonna start a business it's gonna be baby kibble speaking of starting businesses while I was in the restaurant you guys know about yum yeah right I make yogurt I'm the yum yeah king well I'm also working on opening a little tiny bookstore in my town that's right I wasn't just sitting there eating I was also thinking I was using my noodle and I was also eating noodles but listen it's gonna start off as a little free book stand and then at some point I'm going to figure out how to transition it into getting books in that we can sell local author books and then I'm gonna start a little free book stand and then at some point I'm gonna especially so then the authors are gonna come into the little bookstore and and and talk about their books and sign their books isn't that fun I think it's great and the free bookstore uh the shelf out front it's all you can read kind of like all you could eat but it's all you could read you get it um anyway so busy I'm a busy busy bumper car I'm working on getting uh the bumper barn set what's that it's a huge shed that's gonna be out in my yard that's gonna gonna gonna have all kinds of magic and mystery and fun the bumper barn when is it gonna be here 2020 that's all I could tell you fingers are crossed I don't know I had there were gentlemen who came and dug up my yard and made it flat and then I had to go to the town and I had to give them money and fill out papers it took me three tries to fill out the papers they were getting frustrated and I gave them money and they gave me a permit which means I'm allowed to do this so all I'm saying is now that I'm full of food I never need to eat again I'm gonna get popcorn food I'm gonna clean I'm gonna straighten and then we're gonna take over the world

Producer: this has been a non-productive media presentation executive producer Frank Hablawi this program and many others like it on the non-productive network is distributed under a creative commons attribution non-commercial no derivatives license please share it but ask before trying to change it

Natty Bumpercar: you

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September 28, 2020
Bumperpodcast #382 – Sal Salesman

Who is Sal Salesman – and what plans does he have for Natty and the Bumperpodcast?! The Bumperpodcast is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp around Headquarters, in Coffee-Can Alley, with Natty Bumpercar and his entire gaggle of pals! You should send us an email to bumperpodcast@nattybumpercar.com. We’re here and we’re listening! Go like our Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/TheBumperpodcast/)!! Also, The Bumperpodcast can now be found on the https://non-productive.com/ network. Yay!!!!

About This Episode

In episode 382 of Bumperpodcast, host Natty Bumpercar's recording session takes a dark turn when the aggressive salesman Sal Salesman bursts in and criticizes everything about the podcast. Sal demands Natty hire a full staff, implement SEO strategies, and completely overhaul the show's operations. When Rufus T. Rufus attempts to defend Natty, he's tricked into signing a contract that gives Sal control of the podcast. The episode ends with a shocking twist: Aloysius J. Pig reveals he invited Sal Salesman and has worked with him before, leading to chaos as Rufus storms off and the future of the Bumperpodcast hangs in the balance.

Memorable Quotes

“You come to a locked door and you start to cry. I come to doors and they're locked and I kick those doors open and I give myself super excellent opportunities.”
— Sal Salesman

“This podcast is just about friends getting together and hanging out. If it takes off one day, great. But if it doesn't, totally fine.”
— Natty Bumpercar

“This is a tiny pond and there's only room for one shark here. And that shark's name is Sal Salesman.”
— Sal Salesman

Topics: #podcasting #business #betrayal #contracts #seo #friendship #takeover #comedy

Featuring: Natty Bumpercar, Aloysius J. Pig, Producer

Full Transcript

Natty Bumpercar: Bumper podcast it's me not a bumper car and I'm so happy to be here I'm so thrilled because I don't know that feels like the podcast is going in the right direction like people are listening and you know we're on we're on the nonproductive.com like their network now and and and I'm this is my second week in a row recording thanks life for letting me do my podcast and it's just everything feels like your podcast is garbage yes who are you why are you here why are you being mean to me

Aloysius J. Pig: just look around yourself you see this is not even a studio it's just a basement and your podcast

Natty Bumpercar: no one listens to it do you even have any s-t-o s-t-o what is s-t-o s-e-o oh I don't know if I have any s-t-o I just know that I come down here and yeah it is a basement but it's also my studio and I record my podcast every week and it's the bumper podcast and I don't know oh yeah exactly you don't know you don't know anything all you do is come down here

Aloysius J. Pig: yeah with all your little friends every week and this is what you have nothing to show for

Natty Bumpercar: that's not true I have a lot to show for this is my 382nd episode and people seem to like my show and they seem to listen to it and yeah my little friend my little friend my little friend my little friend Say hello to my little friends I was having a good day I was having a good day Anyway You're going to stop doing this podcast Until you figure out exactly what you're doing What your five year goal is And what your angle is And what your perspective is And what your niche is None of these things exist On your show That's not, well, it's the Bumper Podcast It's all about Coffee Can Alley And all the shenanigans that happen here at Headquarters With me, Natty Bumpercar Everyone's favorite comedian And his friends Aloysius J. Pig Rufus T. Rufus shows up Doodle Poodle Robot is even I don't know where Robot is right now, honestly But what do we It's just a fun show We don't have to have Perspective and niche And all these Who are you anyway? You haven't even told me Oh my My name is Salesman Sal And I'm here to offer you A deal of a lifetime A deal of the century A deal that will make your podcast Pop in ways that it currently Does not Okay, you're a salesman? You're the worst salesman I've ever talked to in my entire life Salesmen aren't supposed to be mean I don't, why did Why did you come in mean? You're supposed to like, if you want to sell me Something, it seems like you would come in nicely You don't know anything about the magic Of sales Do you, do you Look at me in the eyes and tell me That you do because you can't Because you don't What? You're now hiring Hiring? You're hiring No Put the ad out Go on the web and hire someone I'm not gonna hire anyone I don't make any money from doing the podcast Why do I need to start hiring people? Why do I need a staff? You need to go hire someone But you're gonna start taking notes And you're going to publish them With every episode And you're going to do SEO So do we know what that stands for At this point? It stands for super Excellent Opportunities I'm pretty sure it doesn't stand for that At all, but keep going With your sales bitch Now that you're here and you have me Hostage, you might as well just get it All out By the way How did you get here? How did you get here? How did you get in here? I come to doors I come to doors and they're closed I come to doors and they're locked And I kick those doors open And I give myself Super excellent opportunities Because I am made of S-E-O Something that you clearly don't understand You come to a locked door And you start to cry I don't start to cry When I come to a locked door I might get my keys out I might knock I might push the door about me But I don't cry Unless you're talking about that one time That I went to the ice cream shop And it clearly said that it was open And that the doors were locked And I could see people inside And they wouldn't let me in to eat ice cream Is that what you're talking about? That is not what I am talking about You're going to hire someone to also Along with your notes Along with your S-E-O To make new graphics New images For your videos For every single show You're going to have to hire people To distribute your podcast Around the world To all the ears that will listen to it An ad salesman will be hired as well What? You're going to need an office manager How many people are you expecting me to hire? I can't afford this I can't even afford one person Let alone like the five or six people That you just mentioned This podcast is just about friends Getting together and hanging out Alright? If it takes off one day, great But if it doesn't, totally fine Alright? I mean, I can't I'm not going to hire like a whole So you're saying I need To make show notes Which, okay, all these things are actually I've read are good ideas But show notes New graphics for every episode Get into podcast directorates That was something that you mentioned Kind of, I guess Yes And then the office manager Which I don't really I don't really know how that helps Or what that's for Do you even have a contest, Maven? Who does all your contests? Do you even do contests? Do you have merch? Do you do any of these things? How do you expect people to find you And listen to your podcast If you haven't even done any? Do you have a social Engineering team? A development arm Of your podcast? An application? You have nothing You don't even have a cleaning crew Down here, do you? I don't have a cleaning crew And your voice just kind of changed To European somehow I don't I was all happy at the beginning of the day And now I'm finding out all these things That I don't have And I was happy before I realized I didn't have them But now I'm like, oh, jeez I need to have all these things To make my podcast the best podcast it can possibly be You still haven't told me your name My name is on my business card Which I have put in front of you ten minutes ago Before you even started yammering on I put it on top of the pile of papers Which are your contract Now hold on, hold on, hold on One second here Did I hear the word contract bump a car? Yeah, Rufus, help Uh-huh Yeah Now who is this gentleman here on this, uh I don't know his name Dom suit suit That he's wearing in my establishment Until here You listen here to me, sir You have no idea Who you are You have no idea Who you are messing with I am podcasts I am the one I am the person Who is going to take this podcast To the stars And I am also going to take it away If he doesn't listen So, Rufus, really quickly Just to catch you up This guy just came in while I was about to record the podcast And he started making all these threats And saying I was doing everything wrong with the podcast He wants me to hire a whole team of people Which you know I can't do Because you have all my friends And all my money in your back pocket And I need help, please You're not allowed to carry your money around Because you get it stuck to the bubble gum And then it's all stuck together And we can't use it anymore Do you remember that? How much money we've lost over the years, Bumpercar? A lot of it A lot of it Exactly So, anyway, sir Again, let me just look at your car Your name is Sal Salesman? That's your name? Huh Well, I'm Rufus T. Rufus And I am the legal counsel for the Bumpercar Club Bumper podcast and headquarters And Coffee Can Alley Impromptu, impromptu And so I would appreciate if you'd stop harassing and haranguing my client It's inappropriate It's uncalled for And it's unnecessary We've got this podcast under wraps and under control And so I'm gonna ask you Not once, not twice But zero times To please exsort the room Get out with yourself It's very interesting that you've looked at my car Because what you don't understand is that Common new business practices are It's a trap Just by lifting my card up You have signed the contract, Rufus T. Rufus And so now I am the lawyer I am the SEO maven I am the contract contractual I, Sal Salesman Own this account and everything involved with it And so moving forward my lawyer friend You are the one who will be leaving You are the one who no longer belongs here No Good day, sir Rufus I say, good day No, Rufus, what are you just walking away for? Don't worry, Bumpercar I got this I've been down before I've been down before I've been down before But I am not out I will figure this out And I will be back I promise you This Sal Salesman, he's no lawyer He doesn't understand the law What he understands is money And taking money away from people And that's not what I'm about Rufus I will return Oh Natty, hey, it's me, Aloysius J. Pig What are you crying about? Why, like, this time? I mean, is that why they're all Hey! Sal Salesman, you came Good to see you Yes, I came and I saw And I took over I now run this show, Aloysius So thank you for the invitation I very much appreciate it It'll be good working with you again Wait a minute Big twist Aloysius, you're the one who brought this Sal Salesman into the show And you've worked with him before? I thought you and I And especially I thought you and Rufus, T. Rufus, were friends How could you do this to Rufus? Hold on, we're good Everything's fine, everything's okay Sal, I think you're just gonna work in concert with Rufus, right? No, Sal, this is a tiny pond And there's only room for one shark here And that shark's name is Sal Salesman And so, no more room

Aloysius J. Pig: What have I done? Oh, no, Rufus! Rufus, I gotta go catch him Bumper car, you gotta figure this out Rufus!

Natty Bumpercar: Okay, um, I'm so confused right now But you listen to me, Sal Salesman Other people have come into this show and tried to take it over And they've failed every single time And I don't really know who you are or what you're about Well, wait a minute The one that really tried to take it over was Rufus, T. Rufus And he did have a lot of control in the end Huh I mean We're gonna fight you the whole way But I can't promise you that we're gonna win And that this isn't your show now And, ah, I'm not really good at these speeches But next week we're gonna figure this out I promise you, Sal Salesman Indeed we shall Indeed we shall Oh Oh Oh

Producer: This has been a non-productive media presentation Executive producer, Frank Hablawi This program and many others like it on the Non-Productive Network Is distributed under a Creative Commons Attribution Non-Commercial No-Derivatives License Please share it, but ask before trying to change it or sell it For more information, visit non-productive.com

Aloysius J. Pig: For more information, visit non-productive.com For more information, visit non-productive.com

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July 17, 2020
Bumperpodcast #381 – Moving

What in the world is going on in the studio? What are Rufus and Pig up to – and how is Doodle Poodle involved?! The Bumperpodcast is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp around Headquarters, in Coffee-Can Alley, with Natty Bumpercar and his entire gaggle of pals! You should send us an email to bumperpodcast@nattybumpercar.com. We’re here and we’re listening! Go like our Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/TheBumperpodcast/)!! Also, The Bumperpodcast can now be found on the https://non-productive.com/ network. Yay!!!!

About This Episode

In episode 381 of Bumperpodcast, Natty Bumpercar returns to the studio only to find Rufus T. Rufus and Aloysious J. Pig attempting to shut it down and convert it into a hot yoga studio. Doodle Poodle had been recruited to distract Natty while the move happened, but the plan fails spectacularly. Natty explains his recent absence was due to pandemic challenges, homeschooling, and dealing with his dog Popcorn's separation anxiety. The episode features hilarious confusion over whether they're discussing hot yoga or hot yogurt, and Natty announces the podcast's exciting new partnership with nonproductive.com. Trunks from Pig and Pals also makes a brief appearance in this chaotic return to regular programming.

Memorable Quotes

“Did you just say yoga or yogurt because hot yoga yogurt does not sound appealing or appetizing to me or anyone on the planet.”
— Natty Bumpercar

“We're in the middle of a pandemic there's a lot going on, the kids are home, we're trying to work, we're trying to be teachers.”
— Natty Bumpercar

“It's a bumper podcast bumper as you will.”
— Aloysious J. Pig

Topics: #podcastnetworks #contracts #studiodrama #pandemiclife #yoga #yogurt #doodlepoodle #yumya

Featuring: Aloysious J. Pig, Rufus T. Rufus, Natty Bumpercar, Doodle Poodle, Trunks, Producer

Full Transcript

Aloysious J. Pig: uh yeah so you're just gonna want to move all those shelves over to the near the door

Rufus T. Rufus: perfect perfect and uh be sure that they don't mess up any of that paperwork that's inside of those uh cabinets because they are very important to the whole situation yeah yeah yeah okay of

Aloysious J. Pig: course so guys just be what he said just be obviously be careful with everything you're moving look at that lamp it can go also get a water cooler it's all this is all gonna go out

Rufus T. Rufus: front okay hey guys what's well what's what's going on now uh hey uh natty bumper car uh well so what we're doing here is we're gonna clean out the studio uh it's not a money maker you understand and uh we're gonna turn it into a hot yoga studio did you just say yoga or yogurt because

Aloysious J. Pig: hot yoga yogurt does not sound uh appealing or appetizing to me or anyone on the planet i think he said hot

Natty Bumpercar: yoga but i i do agree that hot yogurt sounds unpleasant um but why are we getting rid of this studio and why are we doing anything right now why who are these guys and why are they moving

Rufus T. Rufus: now i pig i was under the assumption that the dog uh the poodle dog was gonna be uh occupying natty's time during this transition what what happened with that exactly uh i don't

Aloysious J. Pig: know the last i heard that they were they was going out to uh to make some doodles and as they as the dog doodle poodle does and now but he's here so i can't i've been trying to text doodle poodle on the phone and i have not been able to get through to him so okay so this makes a little

Natty Bumpercar: bit more sense now because doodle poodle came to my room this morning and he was like oh my god i'm he said that we had to go on a doodling adventure he said and made me pack my bag and he said we're gonna be out all day and i was like well this is strange like i i hang out with doodle poodle every so often but this seemed like he was he had a a real strange intensity about him yeah and i um i was wondering what was going on and now i'm back and wondering even more what's going on

Rufus T. Rufus: yeah well uh pig as soon as you get doodle poodle on the line just uh hold on for a second i gotta talk to him but listen uh natty we didn't want to have to do this to you in person but you uh have stopped doing the bumper podcast on a regular basis you understand and uh ipso facto in your uh uh eternium your uh agreement here your uh law abiding uh paperwork uh your uh contract yeah your contract exactly i was having a hard time he uh you we we if you don't occupy the space of the studio at least three weeks out of the month that's three episodes per month no uh for more than two months then we uh we have to sell everything and shut it down as are you

Natty Bumpercar: serious like we're in the middle of a pandemic there's a lot going on the week we're their kids are home we're trying to work we're trying to be teachers i'm trying to be you know the my we haven't taken the dog to the therapist lately so i'm trying to help her out with all of her issues do she can't be home alone by herself did you know this she she gets anxiety she gets very worried separation anxiety that's what it's called and that's what i've been dealing with and the dog every time i leave the room i hear this not even a bark she says murph my name isn't murph what does murph mean murph murph i don't know i never heard the dog say murph before it's very strange this is popcorn right yes this is popcorn and it just i'm sorry that i haven't put out episodes as as normally as i usually do lately but it's just so much on my plate and it's i'm overwhelmed i'm not i'm not even well

Rufus T. Rufus: well well well well well well well well well well well yeah yeah classic episode that was classic bumper podcast right there

Natty Bumpercar: thanks and it's i'm i'm just i can you guys stop moving stuff please thank you so here's the other thing is we got picked up by a podcast network so we're gonna be on on nonproductive.com which is super cool and I talked to Frank over there and he wants to start putting the episodes out over there and that's awesome because you know that's a cool thing more people are going to listen to this I guess that's their problem not mine

Rufus T. Rufus: now that is a good point pig it sounds like that's a them kind of problem but now I have a me kind of problem you're falling into agreements with other people without any sort of contract is there anything I need to read maybe anything I need to sign I could endorse it with my signature I could you know put a stamp on it maybe a seal something like that

Natty Bumpercar: no I talked to Frank again he was very nice and I gave them I mean this is getting into the weeds but the RSS feed which is how people find the podcast and then he's going to put it on the network and then we have a little bumper at the end of the episode

Aloysious J. Pig: oh like the bumper podcast so it's just another bumper for the bumper podcast it's a bumper podcast bumper as you will

Natty Bumpercar: yes exactly and uh good point and uh

Aloysious J. Pig: oh it's doodle poodle I'm going to put him on speaker one second

Doodle Poodle: it's me doodle poodle I don't know I don't know where natty went we were out on the field and we were going to make some doodles

Rufus T. Rufus: he's here doodle poodle he's here

Doodle Poodle: oh he's back there huh I'm really sorry

Rufus T. Rufus: well you had one job doodle poodle you had one one job which was to keep natty bumper car occupied and you didn't do it necessarily and so he came back here and he found out what we're doing here in the studio which means no hot yogurt for you my doggy friend

Natty Bumpercar: I'm pretty sure that we decided that it was hot yoga yoga not yogurt because again the idea of hot yogurt it doesn't appeal to me I like cold yogurt cold I do

Aloysious J. Pig: so hey speaking of yogurt bumper car how's that yumya treating you have you been mass producing and mass manufacturing yumya over at see the bean

Doodle Poodle: oh yeah natty I forgot about yumya I was supposed to help you to make a logo right we're gonna doodle a logo for yumya yumya yumya

Natty Bumpercar: I know it's fun to say guys doodle poodle don't worry about it we already figured out kind of a logo type of thing but thank you for your help and also doodle poodle I'm so sad that you were involved with pig and rufus like I expect this from rufus I kind of have started to expect this from pig as well but from you why are you part of this plan

Doodle Poodle: they promised me that I could have some hot yogurt no it's yoga any kind of yogurt

Natty Bumpercar: it's yoga we established that yeah it's yogurt

Doodle Poodle: I don't like to do yoga it hurts my is it yoga

Rufus T. Rufus: or yogurt

Aloysious J. Pig: this is so confusing

Rufus T. Rufus: this is all very confusing but I gotta say gentlemen you can keep up with work because we are paying you by the hour so just go ahead and take all the shelves over there those chairs will stack on each other for easiest storage and movability

Natty Bumpercar: so we're not stacking everybody stop you guys can go home we have to pay you okay just hold on a second I will come pay you I'll write you a check and listen we're not moving anything we're not closing down the studio there's not going to be any hot yoga certainly no hot yoga hot yogurt because again we are on nonproductive.com and they're going to have our podcast and it's very exciting and we're going to be recording more often and you know it's going to be great so this is the bumper podcast I am Natty Bumpercar you were hearing Rufus T. Rufus who is the lawyer around here you were hearing Aloysius J. Pig who is I guess the pig around here you were hearing Doodle Poodle the poodle who doodles because we're so literal and there's all kinds of other characters who are going to come around but we can't wait for you guys to get involved in all the shenanigans here at Coffee Can Alley we do make yum-yum it's kind of a yogurt-y treat it's pretty delicious we have this podcast every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday Aloysius J. Pig there he and his pals they have a show called Hanging Out with Pig and Pals we're real busy we're working on illustrating a book for a friend of mine there's a lot of shenanigans going on over here I know that's the second time that I've said it I may say it a third time I won't, don't worry but here's the thing we're excited to be back we've missed you and um

Rufus T. Rufus: now here I have this paper over here that I need you to look at and read just to make sure that we are in agreement that you understand that 50% occupancy or else this room this studio as it were will be returned to its original state which is of course the yogurt shop no it's yoga

Aloysious J. Pig: yoga

Doodle Poodle: that sounds like toga toga like we're gonna have a big party or something I love parties parties are the most fun thing in the whole wide world

Natty Bumpercar: I I love parties and fine Rufus I'll read over this contract again but we're fine we're gonna we're gonna keep pumping out episodes this is episode 381 do you understand how amazing that is this podcast has been around longer than the children longer than the dog yep okay this is

Rufus T. Rufus: it's got legs that's true I hope it it's got legs knows how to it's a song yeah

Aloysious J. Pig: that was really good that was really close to copyright infringement for a lawyer I gotta say and it sounds please don't ever sing again Rufus that was painful

Natty Bumpercar: to my sweet little ears uh ooh speaking of sweet little ears I forgot hey um from pig and pals hey trunks get over here I wanna hear from you real quick

Trunks: yeah yeah everybody it's me trunks and I don't know if I'm supposed to do the weather report over here or what exactly but um it's nice to see you I can't wait to have some hot yogurt

Natty Bumpercar: alright everybody this has been the bumper podcast I am natty bumper car to everyone from nonproductive.com welcome aboard we're gonna have a lot of fun I almost promise I don't promise nothing but I do promise that uh you'll be hearing my voice more than ever so uh hugs and hugs and hearts take care of yourself goodbye

Producer: this has been a nonproductive media presentation executive producer Frank Hablawi this program and many others like it on the nonproductive network is distributed under a creative commons attribution non-commercial no derivatives license please share it but ask before trying to change it or sell it for more information visit non-productive.com

Doodle Poodle: you you you you you you you you you

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July 10, 2020