Tag: comedy podcast

  • Bumperpodcast #329 – Wad Of Cash

    Bumperpodcast #329 – Wad Of Cash

    Pig does some doughnut talking, Producer sings a song, and Natty bursts in – typically flustered!

    The Bumperpodcast is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp around Headquarters, in Coffee-Can Alley, with Natty Bumpercar and his entire gaggle of pals!

    You should send us an email to bumperpodcast@nattybumpercar.com, or to call in and leave a message – 646.847.7976. We’re here and we’re listening!

    Go like our Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/TheBumperpodcast/)!!

     

    About This Episode

    In this chaotic episode of Bumperpodcast, Aloysious J. Pig takes over hosting duties while Natty Bumpercar is away. Pig attempts to discuss socio-political economics but quickly abandons the premise to ramble about his love of donuts, particularly a tres leches donut he purchased that morning. Producer interrupts with a story about finding a mysterious wad of cash on the sidewalk while listening to a song about picking up money, which leads to an unfortunate encounter with the police. The episode takes a twist when Natty returns looking for his lost wad of cash, and it becomes clear that Producer may have found it—and possibly donated it, though his new shoes suggest otherwise. The improvised comedy showcases the characters' chaotic chemistry and comedic timing.

    Memorable Quotes

    “I'm probably in cupcakes, maybe in cookies, maybe in bread. I've heard you can put it on your cereal. I don't know if you eat that. And, obviously, in my slop pit, sometimes there's milk, just because I am very lactose-tolerant. I would almost go so far as to say I require lactose.”

    — Aloysious J. Pig

    “If you see a penny, pick it up, pick it up… If you see a nickel pick it up, pick it up… if you see a 50 bill you should call the police because it's not yours.”

    — Producer

    “Producer, seriously, this is a big deal. Like, this is, like, rent money, this is every kind of money, this is all of our money. This is our bill money.”

    — Aloysious J. Pig

    Topics: #donuts #money #friendship #misunderstandings #food #music #comedy #chaos

    Featuring: Aloysious J. Pig, Producer, Natty Bumpercar

    Full Transcript

    Aloysious J. Pig: Uh, hey everyone, it's me, Aloysius J-Pig, and today, uh, Natty Bumper Guy is off and about and about and around and everywhere but here. So, it's gonna be a pig episode, which means probably a little singing, and obviously we're gonna talk about socio-political economics, because that's what I do now. I don't know if you've heard my new show, Pork Barrel Pig, but here we are, and this is what we do. So, huh, the other day I was looking at the market and I was like, oh, what is this, a bear market or a bull market? And the people were just like, I don't know, pig, why don't you tell us? You're the one who's got the show about. It's global, so I forget what it's about already, so I, alright, the joke's over. We're gonna talk about donuts, we're gonna talk about, talk about donuts, what, what, what, what? Donuts, what kind of donuts, bro? You know the best kind of donuts. Donuts, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, donuts, ha, ha, ha, ha, donuts. Donuts, this morning, I woke up, I went to my local donut-taria, and I said, hello, Miss the Donut, and Mr. Donut was just like, oh, hello there, pig, or whatever, I don't know what he said, and he's like, what can I get you? What do you want? What kind of a donut do you want? And I was like, my friend, my friend, my friend, I'll have one of everything, alright, and two or some of them, alright? So you're gonna need some boxes, you're gonna need some crates, what is the biggest receptacle that we can put the donuts in that they're gonna make it home to my house without getting, like, flustered, because the last thing that I want and you want, obzy, is a flustered donut. He said, okay, let me work on that situation, but while I do that, maybe do you want a donut hole? And I was just like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, sir, I do not wish to have a donut hole. No, that's the leftover. That's the leave-ins. I don't want that. I come here for a donut goodness, and if you can deliver, I will receive a donut hole. However, it's not what I meant to. Anyway, we level set, we figured out our relationship, we understood what everybody wanted, and we moved on from there, I assume. I presume, I don't know. So you wanna know? I feel like I've been teasing. You wanna know what kind of donut I got? Today, I got a Tres Leches donut. That's three milk. Three milk donut. And what are the three milks? I don't know. I'm assuming cow milk is one of them. I'm also assuming that, well, I don't know what other kind of milks there might be. There's that weird milk. There's that weird milk. There's that weird milk that Luke drank in The Last Jedi from that alien cow thing. I'm hoping that that kind of milk was not involved in my donuts. And then one of the milks is whipped cream. So that's cream, so that's milk, so that makes sense. I'm hoping there's no cheese on my donut, because that's made from milk, too. Chocolate, also made from milk. Milk is really in a lot of things, is what I'm coming to find out. To all my cow friends listening, to all my cow friends in the… Pasture. To all my cow friends around the world, I gotta, I gotta, I gotta thank you, girl. Hey, cows, what do you know? Hey, cows, what do you do? Oh, oh, oh, hey, cows, how do you say hello? Oh, are you moo? Perfect. Seriously, though, milk, pretty much in everything. I'm probably in cupcakes, maybe in cookies, maybe in bread. I've heard you can put it on your cereal. I don't know if you eat that. I don't know if you eat that kind of stuff. And, obviously, in my slop pit, sometimes there's milk, just because I am very lactose-tolerant. I would almost go so far as to say I require lactose. Anyway, I bibble and babble enough about the donuts. I don't know what else I'm supposed to talk about. How does he do this for 10 minutes a day? How does he, like, what, 12 minutes? I'm four and a half minutes in, and I've already run out of time. I've already run out. I had, like, two songs. I talked about donuts. Did you want to? Okay, hold on a second. Ladies and gentlemen, our producer says he… Um, hello, everybody. No, that's fine. You just start talking.

    Producer: Yeah, I'm going to start talking now. You're talking… Hello? You… Yeah. Okay. Okay. Hi, everyone. This is me, producer. And I am just listening to my friend, which is Jack Pig, and he was having a difficult time with the talking, and so I said, you know what? I've got a pretty funny story to share. So maybe I'm going to hop in to help him out a little bit. And my story involved this yesterday… I don't know when it's yesterday morning. I was leaving my driveway, to go for a little hop around the block, because I'm a frog and I don't run, I hop! So, I was hopping. I was listening to my Bluetooth headset speaker phones, and I had music in them. And the song I was listening to was If you see a penny, pick it up, pick it up… If you see a penny, pick it up, pick it up… it up if you see a nickel pick it up pick it up if you see a dime if you see a quarter

    Natty Bumpercar: if you see a 50 cent piece pick it up if you see a dollar pick it up pick it up if you see a two dollar bill pick it up pick it up if you see a five dollar bill or a 10 or a 20 you know what you should do you should pick it up pick it up if you see a 50 bill you should call the police because it's not yours if you see a hundred dollar bill you should just run away there are certain

    Producer: denominations there are certain sizes of the bill you should pick it up pick it up if you see a money that are always okay for you to pick it up pick it up and lo and behold as I'm listening to this song it's a number one smash summer hit from 1927 pick it up I was hopping and I looked over and I saw a wad of cash on the sidewalk and I say to myself oh my watch out word what should i do and then i thought about the song words the lyrics in this song and i said i

    Natty Bumpercar: know exactly what to do thank you universe and so i called the police and i pointed to it and i said oh would you look at all of this money and they said please put your hands on the car and they knocked my bluetooth headset out of my ears and then i got to ride downtown to the police station where i was interrogated for a long time because they didn't understand why anyone would come across such a pile of money and not uh bro here's the thing it's a great story that you're telling

    Aloysious J. Pig: and the whole song thing everybody's love songs on podcasts so that's good thank you and you get kudos for that everyone has noticed from the beginning of your story to the end of your story you no longer sound like yourself i don't understand what do you mean would you care to explain that or is that something where i don't know something that happened while you

    Producer: were incarcerated or whatever no i think what happens is i don't usually talk for a long time and so when i had the opportunity to talk for an experience period i um got a little bit too excited and maybe i you know like i sang my song and then the voice got a little uh how do you say uh crazy you just said crazy bro that's how you say it perfect oh no hello

    Aloysious J. Pig: what's up um me and uh producer sitting here we're just hanging out doing a little show on our own but we didn't know when you were oh i got the coughs i got the vapors is that a new cologne you wearing oh we didn't know when he was coming back so is that got is that got lavender in it i'm i'm highly alert to lavender i gotta go you i mean you smell nice but you're hurting me i'm so sorry Uh, guys, I'm so sorry that I wasn't here for the beginning of the show, but Crazy Bananas Weird Thing, I was running around, I was on the sidewalk, I was running errands, and, uh, do you, do you remember my stack of cash, my wad of cash? I can't find it anywhere. I do not know where it is, and it was in my pocket, and then it just disappeared out of nowhere, and I can't find it, and I'm freaking out, because that's how I gotta pay all the cows for, uh, their milk and everything.

    Producer: Um, well, first, first off, uh, that is a very clunky way that you try to tie the beginning of the podcast in with this section.

    Aloysious J. Pig: Not, not that, really, come on, yeah.

    Producer: But, uh, I happen to have some information about this wad of cash. You do? Can you describe this wad of cash to me, please?

    Aloysious J. Pig: Yeah, it's, well, sure, it's a wad of cash. It's a lot of money, cash, that has subsequently… …subsequently been wadded up into a wad, like a roll, like it's got a rubber band on

    Natty Bumpercar: What color is the rubber band? I do not know what color rubber band it is.

    Aloysious J. Pig: I'm sorry. What? I do not know. What do you mean? Yeah, it's a… How many… What's your point? Like, did you find a wad of cash? Are you holding out on me for? What, what, what?

    Producer: I'm not, I'm not entirely comfortable talking to you about this, uh, in quotation marks wad of cash, because I feel like maybe you don't know. I don't know what you're talking about, and you're trying to get information for me about the wad of cash that I may or may not have found on the sidewalk right outside of the gate of our house.

    Aloysious J. Pig: Producer, seriously, this is a big deal. Like, this is, like, rent money, this is every kind of money, this is all of our money. This is our bill money. We, I need that money. So if you found it, what did you do with it? Can you get it for me? Can you go find, like, what, please just give me the money if you found it. It's very important. It's hyper important.

    Producer: So I maybe, maybe I found it, and maybe I got taken to jail, and maybe when I got out of jail, I took the money, and I donated it to some other place that maybe said they

    Aloysious J. Pig: needed it as well. Well, I need to know the place. I need to know the place, because I need that wad of cash. It's very important. Can you please just tell me where you donated it to? So I, it's just a misunderstanding. I gotta get the money back. I don't know if it's true. Hey, producer. Thanks for that wad of cash. Look at my new shoes. Wait, what?

    Producer: Pig? Oh, no.

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  • Bumperpodcast #322 – Days Off

    Bumperpodcast #322 – Days Off

    Here it is – the new podcast that everyone is talking about. The Bumperpodcast is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp around Headquarters, in Coffee-Can Alley, with Natty Bumpercar and his entire gaggle of pals!

    Natty gets a couple of days off – and decides to try to make the most of it. There is a doughnut involved!

    You should send us an email to bumperpodcast@nattybumpercar.com, or to call in and leave a message – 646.847.7976. We’re here and we’re listening!

    Go like our Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/TheBumperpodcast/)!!

     

    About This Episode

    In this episode of Bumperpodcast, host Natty Bumpercar shares stories from his eventful days off that turned into work-from-home days. Between work calls, Natty tackled DIY projects including installing a tow hitch on his Tiguan and re-screening his back door, indulged in delicious treats from his favorite donut shop (featuring a tres leches donut), and enjoyed an Indian buffet. The episode takes a poignant turn when Natty recounts the passing of Glassy the Pleco fish and his son's surprisingly casual reaction, leading to humorous reflections on mortality. After all his productivity, Natty ultimately spent his second day off simply watching TV, embracing the importance of rest and not running out of 'you.'

    Memorable Quotes

    “If you do too much you run out of you and if you run out of you you what have you got then you've got nothing you've got the zip you've got bupkis.”

    — Natty Bumpercar

    “I was like laying on a little my little blanket on the ground trying to do this stuff above my head because it wasn't on like a lift rack so it was way up high.”

    — Natty Bumpercar

    “Buddy, I'm sorry, Glassy didn't make it. Glassy moved on to a different place. And he just shrugged his shoulders.”

    — Natty Bumpercar

    Topics: #diyprojects #food #work-lifebalance #pets #mortality #homeimprovement #self-care #parenting

    Featuring: Natty Bumpercar

    Full Transcript

    Natty Bumpercar: oh hi bumper podcast it's me natty bumper car and this is my favorite time of the day and i'm hoping that it at least ranks somewhere among your top 10 favorite parts of your day i'm you know i just want to crack the top 10 i'm not saying this is your favorite part of the day because that's way too much pressure for you and it's so much pressure for me i can't just please please please top 10 that's all i'm asking for but for me number one this is number one right up there at the top boom bumper podcast here i am there you are you're looking very nice today did you know that i was gonna be here you look like did you take a shower good for you i haven't i haven't taken a shower i took a couple of days off of work and um i've been i've had these clothes on now for this is my third day so i do need to change because i am going to the office today uh but here's the thing when sometimes when you like I have a job and I took days off and that was supposed to be exciting but you know what I ended up doing on those days off working that's right working so I in essence actually I just worked from home so days off turn into work from home days which is pretty fun except not so much uh but what I would do so I had a lot of end up having meetings I was trying to get some stuff fixed and so I was on a lot of calls um and actually doing some work myself as well um but what I would do is in between each of these things I was I had this huge list of projects and I was like I'm gonna get so much stuff done in these two days and and I had my list and I had checked it twice to find out which of my projects was naughty and which one of my projects was nice uh none of them were nice they were just annoying projects but I would go through my list and I would try to squeeze in a couple of things here and there so that uh you know I could get something done um the first day the first day started off really good my first day was there's a donut place near my house and it's my favorite donut place in the world on the planet and it's called Montclair Bread Montclair Bakery Montclair I think it's Montclair Bread and they have oh the donuts are so good I think I've talked about them before but I haven't talked about them I had a tres leches donut what does that mean three leches what does that mean three milks how does that work I don't know I know one is whipped cream so that's milk and then there's kind of like this sweetened condensed milk like bit to it so that's two milks the third milk I don't know I it's in there I mean it's not it's not dos leches cake no it's tres tres leches it's tres leches cake and you're gonna eat it and you're gonna love it and it's got it's got a cherry on top and it's just donut oh it's so good so that's how my day started right that was actually before I knew that I was gonna have to work for the day so and then after that I don't really remember what I did because I think I had so much sugar in my system that I passed out no I went to the tool store and I got some tool stuff so that I could do my tool project and then I came home and I did my first project my first was I put a a tow hitch it's called a tow hitch on the back of my Tiguan my little car and so I had to actually I watched the YouTube video like a hundred times for this because I was getting very much more nervous every single time I had to take a utility knife and cut into the bottom of my bumper there was a pre scored square rectangle there that like from the manufacturer from Volkswagen so I had to take a utility knife and cut into the bottom of my bumper there was a pre scored square rectangle there that like from the manufacturer from Volkswagen but i had to actually cut through it it was so scary i was afraid i was like i'm ruining my car i'm cutting into my car i'm destroying my poor car but i got that off and then i put the the tow hitch in and there were four bolts and i was like laying on a little my little blanket on the ground trying to do this stuff above my head because it wasn't on like a uh like in the video they're like they had the car in a lift rack so it was way up high so that it was easier for them to do these things but me uh i i didn't get i didn't get that i was on the ground so that's fine i got it done got it all in there and um i was very excited it's very cool it actually looks nice and it looks right and it looks like it's like i didn't do it then i found out i had to do some work so i got on a call after that call i what did i do oh i did i went to uh i went on my second project and my second project was i had to re-screen the back door my back storm door and so that was pretty cool because like i had to watch another video and learn how to do more like doodad thing and um there's like this thing called a spline which is like a cord that goes around this little channel on the screen door she had to pull the spline out and then pull the old um screen out and then clean it all up really nice and put the new screen on and then uh get it cut into the corners and put the new spline in with a spline roller it's called i had to do all this stuff and uh my mother-in-law she was like why not just take that screen to the screen place and have them re-screen it and i was like because i'm learning a cool new skill and instead of it being you know like a 50 project for them to do it or maybe more i don't know it's and now it's a 15 project so i feel like i won in that one at least and then i had i'm trying to think what else i had um i did some other projects i don't know i oh oh oh oh after i did the second project i went and i had i went to an indian buffet and it was so good and i ate so much food so part of my day off was like i'm gonna eat some good food so i had my donut and then i had indian buffet indian buffet, all you can eat it was ten dollars and fifty bucks it's 20 bucks only, 10 dollars and 15 cents $10.50, $10.47 if I'm to be exact, and you know I am. I had two plates of food. And so what I did, the first plate, I went around and I had little tastes of everything. Little tastes, little tastes, little tastes, little tastes, little tastes, right? Oh God, it was so good. And my mouth was actually watering from it. And they gave me a little basket of naan, which is this kind of bread. And then on my second plate back, what you do is like, you're like, all right, I sampled everything. Now I'm going all in on the things that I really like. But there was some chicken, well, there's some tikka masala, which I put on some biryani rice. And then I had some tandoori chicken. Oh, it was so much chicken goodness. And then some, what else was it? I don't know, man. There was so much, there was just a lot of food. Let me just be clear with you that a lot of food was eaten. And then I went back and I had like this tiny little bowl of this rice stuff that was vanilla-y and yummy and just amazing. And then I came home and then I did another project. My brain is not telling me what that other project was, so it must not have been that important. And then I got everything kind of, the house kind of cleaned, did a little bit more work. And then that night, after I got everything good, I went and I saw the Avengers movie, which was a big movie, a big crazy movie, a big what, what in the what, what, what, what, what, what, what in the what movie. So that was my night. And then I came home that night, and guys, it was a little bit sad. Glassy, our Pleco, our Fish, the fish who keeps everything clean, he moved on to another fish world. He said, I can't take this anymore. I'm not gonna be in here with these snails and this shrimp. And then he died. And the sad thing is, is I feel like I might be responsible, because he was a big hardy fish he was like i was like this fish is good look at this fish i think that the snails might have eaten whatever he used to be eaten is my is my thinking so and which makes me feel like a horrible fish parent um but we you know what you move on you move on you move on and so when i had to get him out of the tank at the little fish net and everything and it was like 12 30 at night and so it was late i was kind of tired and uh one of the kids has this little robot dog this little very frustrating robot dog and i guess he was on the kitchen table which is where the fish tank is and my motion of getting the fish out was enough that uh and it's you know it's quiet in the house because it's so late i'm focused on getting the fish out i don't want to disturb any of the other fish and i'm i'm contemplating uh death because of the fish and then this is this robot dog just goes and i like flung the fish the fish just ah i threw everything because i didn't i thought i was being attacked by an adorable robot dog uh thankfully though i was not being attacked so but it took the kids uh two days two days to figure out that the biggest most giant fish uh was no longer in the tank and by the kids i mean only one of them he was going around he was doing like an inventory he was like oh there's snail there's that fish the shrimp is the shrimp gone I was like no the shrimp is right here he's not moving it's like no his little his little antenna are moving he's fine okay there's another fit wait dad where's that other fit where's the where's where's glassy and I had to break it down I was like buddy buddy buddy buddy I'm sorry glassy didn't glassy didn't make it you know glassy moved on to a different place glassy's no longer with us and he I was that I kind of I was just like does that make you sad does he was just like man he shrugged his shoulders so all right you know our dog is 15 at this point at some point he's probably gonna go to a farm or dog college or wherever dogs go and I'm wondering if it's gonna be a similar reaction and then I'm wondering if it's gonna be a similar reaction and then I'm wondering after that at some point in life I might die I don't know I hope not but as I from my understanding it it's it's it's an inevitability and is it gonna be the same reaction oh where's dad he's I see Ollie is he mommy I see the snails I see the oh he's did he die and shrug his shoulders yeah oh it's not a natural reaction it's a weird reaction anyway ah what are you gonna do so then you know reaction anyway ah what are you gonna do so then you know gonna do so then you know really hot here yesterday it was it was tanVI tanVI 92 degrees which is warm for it's spring we kind of skipped spring went straight to summer and i uh i got the list out and i started looking at it and i was just like i uh i think today i'm going to uh watch tv and that's what i did i just watched i watched tv from the beginning of the day until the end of the day i got nothing done but i felt fine about it i felt great about it and and because you know what i do too much and if you do too much you run out of you and if you run out of you you what have you got then you've got nothing you've got the zip you've got you've got but but bupkis what's bupkis what's a bupkis i don't know but i know what you are you're the bumper podcast kateers and i know what i am i am natty bumper car and i know what this is this is a bumper podcast and again this is my favorite time of the day i hope it's your favorite time of the day you go and make all that magic happen why don't you make

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  • Bumperpodcast #311 – A story about Santa…

    Bumperpodcast #311 – A story about Santa…

    Sorry that I’ve been gone. I’ve missed you.

    I hope this story about Santa makes up for it. (I cry a bit towards the end…)

    Here it is – the new podcast that everyone is talking about. The Bumperpodcast is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp around Headquarters, in Coffee-Can Alley, with Natty Bumpercar and his entire gaggle of pals! 

    Send us an email to bumperpodcast@nattybumpercar.com.

    Don’t forget to call in and leave a message – 646.847.7976.

     

    Go like our Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/TheBumperpodcast/)!!

     

    About This Episode

    In this heartfelt holiday episode, Natty Bumpercar shares a deeply personal story about his seven-year tradition of playing Santa Claus at his children's daycare. After apologizing for his absence following the big Thanksgiving episode, Natty opens up about the emotional final year of this beloved tradition, as his youngest son Oliver prepares to move on to kindergarten. He describes the elaborate lengths he goes to maintain the magic, including shaving his beard and adopting a special voice to avoid detection by his own children. The episode takes an emotional turn as Natty reflects on watching the kids grow up and the bittersweet nature of keeping childhood wonder alive, culminating in a touching moment when Oliver almost recognizes his father behind the Santa suit.

    Memorable Quotes

    “It's my favorite day of the year by far, by far my favorite day because I get nerves, I get kind of terrified just because every year when they get older, I'm just like, all right, I got to really amp up the show.”

    — Natty Bumpercar

    “You have kids and you're watching them grow up and they're getting older and it's just like, ah. Where's my little baby? Oh, and I'm crying. I'm full of crying.”

    — Natty Bumpercar

    “Oliver goes, oh, dad, Santa sounded a little bit like you. And I was like, no.”

    — Natty Bumpercar

    Topics: #santaclaus #parenting #christmas #childhoodmagic #familytraditions #growingup #holidays

    Featuring: Natty Bumpercar

    Full Transcript

    Natty Bumpercar: hey bumper podcast it's me natty bumper car did you forget my name did you forget who i am did you forget about me i got so exhausted after the big turkey episode that i just kind of crawled into my hole and i put a little blanket on and i made sure that i had my socks on because i didn't want my feet to get cold because if my feet are cold then i'm probably gonna catch some sort of a cold wait a minute i'm gonna catch a cold from my feet being cold sure that's fine uh but i've been gone for a long time and i apologize it's just a lot of life going on um just to give you a super quick update we passed inspection for electric and for plumbing and for build on the bathroom that i'm building hooray bumper car and um you know the kids have been kind of in and out of school because of holiday stuff and we've been going to parties and holiday parties and birthday parties and parties Parties and parties and parties and family parties and all sorts of stuff. And it's just been really busy. And shows, so many shows. So it's been good. It's been great. But I've missed you. I always miss you when I don't talk to you. I get kind of freaked out. Kind of about freaked out how freaked I am that I don't know currently. Pig is hiding from me, as he does sometimes. And that freaks me out. You know this. But more importantly, all that being said, here's a story that I want to tell you today. And it's a super, super, super, super awesome story to me. And I wanted to record it. And I'm thinking that my kids probably won't listen to it. And I'll give you a little warning that your kids, I don't know if they want to listen to it. It's about Santa Claus. And basically, you know, obviously Santa Claus is real. Correct? We know this. Right? Yes. But. But for the last seven years at my kids' school, at their daycare, first for Emerson and then for Oliver, when Emerson went to kindergarten and then Oliver went there, every year they have a big Christmas party, a huge Christmas party. And one year they said, it was like the first year I was there, they were like, hey, do you want to be Santa Claus at our party? Do you want to? We have a costume. You can dress up. You can be Santa Claus. And I was like, yeah, I've never considered doing that, but I would love to do it. Right. And so I got the costume and the first year I was, I was like, you know, whatever. This is fun. But they were like tiny babies. And so I just put on a little show, put on a big voice and everything. And, um, and then, and then as the years went on and the kids were getting older, I would get a little bit more freaked out that I was like, oh no, I, I don't want them to figure out it's me. I don't want the kids to know that. I'm playing the part of Santa Claus today, not the real Santa Claus, like a Santa Claus helper. And, um, and so I, I would have them put makeup on me or I would do this thing where I would actually shave my beard. I have a beard usually. And on this day, this is the day of the year that I shave it all off. And the reason I do it is so that when I pick the kids up, when they see me, I'm hoping for some sort of like a cognitive dissonance, like, like, whoa, daddy looks different. So that. If there's any thought that I'm Santa Claus playing Santa Claus, that they won't realize it. Right. So that's my logic there. Uh, the first time I did it, I think it was like, Emerson was just like, nope, I don't, I do not know who that man is. I am not going to go over to that man. I do not know. I'm not familiar with whoever this person is. And I would talk to him. I was like, Hey, it's me, dad. And he was just like, ah, I don't know. Nah, nah. But anyway, and Oliver, I think just cried, which is, you know, this happens, but so I would go through these links. To try to make sure that I was putting on as good of a, uh, ruse as I could. And then they started, they would put like blush on me and they would put the head, like eyeliner pencils. So they would get rid of my eye, my eyebrows, whatever. And the voice that I would put on was kind of like this. It was a little bit like I was trying to do a Sean Connery, but someone yesterday said I was a little bit like David Attenborough. So it's a little bit. British and they actually at the daycare, they thought it was hilarious. They were like, oh, you sound like you're from England. And I was just like, all right, I'll take it. I don't mind. And then somebody was just like, oh, you sound like Mrs. Doubtfire. And I was just like, that's completely different. Cause that's like, which is like, there's high pitched and I was not doing any high pitch things as all, uh, but anyway, and I would sing songs and ho, ho, ho, ho. You understand my soul thing. So every year I would do it. And it's my favorite day of the year by far, by far my favorite day because I get nerves, I get, uh, kind of terrified just because every year when they get older, I'm just like, all right, I got to really amp up the show and, and, and just like seeing the kids and we have pictures of Oliver and I think of Emerson too. I need to find them sitting in my lap, like looking at me, not knowing it's their dad. And it's just like, ah, it's heartbreaking. So yesterday was the last time that I'm going to get to do it because Oliver's going to kindergarten next year and you know, it's the, I mean, the people at the daycare, they're kind of freaked out too. I'm super freaked out, but they're kind of freaked out because they're like, oh, we got to find a new Santa. And I'm like, oh, my heart's breaking. Um, but yesterday I went in and I did it. And, um, I, I, I get very, I get, I cry sometimes, but yesterday I managed not to cry. Uh, I went in and I did it and it was great and it didn't hit me until, so after I'm in the room with all the kids, probably like 70 people or so, I don't know. And you're talking and you're doing all the different classes and you're taking all the different pictures and I'm asking them what they want for Christmas. And I have the teachers write the kids names and the names if they have elves at home so that I can kind of call it out and be like, oh, you know, Adrian, how are you doing over there? Whatever, blah, blah, blah. And how is sprinkles your elf? And they're like, oh man, this dude knows my elf. Like this is, how's this happening? Or if I know parents' names, I'll throw parents' names. And I did that a couple of times yesterday too. Um, just, you know, anything to create a connection with a kid. Cause it just like, it kind of deepens the magic of the whole thing to my, to my mind. And so it was, it was great. And we sang songs and I tell silly little jokes. Um, and it's a lot of call and response and a lot, I mean, there's a lot of screaming, uh, a lot of excitement, a lot of screaming from tears. Also kids get freaked out by Santa. And then I have to shut it down a little bit and say, oh, it's okay, dear. You're perfectly fine. It's going to be Santa's here to say hello to you. I didn't mean to scare you or whatever, stuff like that. And, um, so then I go around to each of each room individually say goodbye, babies. Thank you for having me. Bye one or twos threes. And at the threes was where it started. It hit me because they gave me a bag of candy canes, like a stocking full of candy canes. And so I took a class picture. I thanked them. I got them all to stand in a line. And then I was giving out the candy canes and individually one by one by one. And they would say, thank you, Santa. Thank you, Santa. And it's, oh, it's getting me now. And just so much, so many emotions and so much joy. But. Sadness. And it's, oh, now I'm getting sad. OK, hold on. Deep breaths, deep breaths, deep breaths. It's my favorite day. So I think, you know, then I got over to Ali's room and the kids are a little bit bigger and they, you know, they're they're they're sweet and they they they're much more rambunctious because, you know, they're almost they're almost kindergartners. And I think that's part of it, too, is you have kids and you're watching them grow up and they're getting older and it's just like, ah. Where's my little baby? Oh, and I'm crying. I'm full of crying. But it's just. And so when when I was talking to Ali, he was in my lap and took the picture with him and then I asked him what he wanted for Christmas. And he said a remote control dinosaur, no, a remote control dragon, which it's it's December 21st at that point. Never have I heard him mention a remote control dragon, but that's fine. We'll figure that out. But as he was walking away. I said, I said, I said, hello, you know, Oliver, I want you to make sure you have a brother. Correct. And he was just like, yeah. And I was like, his name is is Emerson J. Emerson. Is that right? And he was like, yeah. I was like, I want you to tell him that I'm keeping an extra special eye on him. And I did like a little thing. And I and I then I mentioned Elf. I was just like, and and also your your elf, Elfie the snow monster. He's a he's a he's one of my favorite elves. He does a great job every year. Just tell him I said hello or whatever. And he was totally freaked out. Right. And it wasn't until so I was walking out to the car and the women who run the daycare, I was like, oh, my gosh, you almost had emotions. And they're like, stop. And then I got in the car and I put on Christmas music, waterworks, bawling tears. Right. I picked the kids up and Emerson Oliver's telling Emerson that Santa was asking about. And then all he goes a few minutes later, he goes, oh, dad, Santa sounded a little bit like you. And I was like, no. And Emerson was like, you have a Santa suit. And I was like, no, I don't have a Santa suit. He was like, yes, you do. And I was like, I do not have a Santa suit, because at that point I didn't. I had returned it. But it was I guess we came close. I guess we ended it at the right time. But seriously, I love it. And I love you guys. Happy holidays from the Bumper podcast.

    Unknown: Happy holidays from the Bumper podcast.

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  • Bumperpodcast #310 – Turkey is back

    Bumperpodcast #310 – Turkey is back

    Turkey is back – and he is bananas.

    Here it is – the new podcast that everyone is talking about. The Bumperpodcast is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp around Headquarters, in Coffee-Can Alley, with Natty Bumpercar and his entire gaggle of pals! 

    Send us an email to bumperpodcast@nattybumpercar.com.

    Don’t forget to call in and leave a message – 646.847.7976.

     

    Go like our Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/TheBumperpodcast/)!!

     

    About This Episode

    In episode 310 of the Bumperpodcast, Natty Bumpercar faces a Thanksgiving crisis when Turkey shows up at headquarters in a state of panic. Joined by Aloysious J. Pig, Doodle Poodle, Rufus T. Rufus (acting as Turkey's lawyer), and Robot with his universal Turkey decoder, the gang attempts to calm the anxious bird who fears he'll end up as dinner. Through a chaotic series of misunderstandings and Turkey's rapid-fire gobbling, the team works to communicate and reassure their feathered friend. The episode wraps with a heartfelt message from Natty about gratitude and making it through tough times, while Turkey finally settles down for a nap.

    Memorable Quotes

    “Rufus, Turkey lawyer Rufus, that's my name. And I will be legally representing this Turkey here in the court of law to call a justice the court of the public opinion.”

    — Rufus T. Rufus

    “He thinks the robot looks like an oven, and he thinks that this is all a big setup to get the Turkey back in.”

    — Natty Bumpercar

    “You should wake up every day and look yourself in the mirror in the eyes. And you should thank yourself for doing whatever you do, for trying hard, for making it through the day.”

    — Natty Bumpercar

    Topics: #thanksgiving #turkey #anxiety #friendship #gratitude #communication #holidaystress #kindness

    Featuring: Natty Bumpercar, Producer, Aloysious J. Pig, Doodle Poodle, Rufus T. Rufus, Robot

    Full Transcript

    Natty Bumpercar: well well well if it isn't the bumper podcast and it's me it's natty bumper car and it's that time of year it's that time of year where it's almost thanksgiving and i oh no look who it is

    Producer: hey buddy how are you you're freaking out you're freaking me out there's a lot of freaking out

    Natty Bumpercar: okay you talk

    Aloysious J. Pig: i don't i don't i don't know what i don't know what you're seeing i'm very sorry i'm very i'm

    Natty Bumpercar: very sorry hey hey that's me uh allosius jay pig so anyway so i think what the tardy doodle is trying to say is that he's nervous because you're talking about Thanksgiving. Yeah. And always around this time of year, you know, the turkey comes in, and you're like, gobble, gobble, and you're like, who's this? And turkey, turkey, and blah, blah, blah. I think he just wants to make sure that everything is on the up and up. Oh. That everything is copacetic. Of course. You know what I'm talking about. Okay. That makes sense. Okay. Exactly. Turkey, calm it down. He's freaking out. Take it down two notches. He's freaking out. Turkey, turkey, turkey. You need to settle. Settle. Settle. Turkey. Settle. Somebody got to settle the turkey, I guess. Do we have any turkey whispers in the house? No, there's no turkey whispers in the house.

    Aloysious J. Pig: Okay, just kidding. Oh. Uh-huh.

    Natty Bumpercar: Oh, you seem so sad, turkey. Listen, it's going to be fine. Nothing bad is going to happen, I promise. We're just going to hang out. We're here at headquarters. It's me, you, and Pig, and we, I, he does, I guess, he kind of, Pig, do you speak turkey? It seems like a little bit. I mean, I, I do dabble a bit. Okay, but not really. No, no, no. Okay, so we, I think that we maybe just need to find somebody who does speak a good turkey, and then we can kind of, kind of go from there. Maybe, does that make sense? I don't know what to do. You still freak it out. Okay, okay, okay. Settle down, turkey. Settle down. Stop it. You're on a, you're on a hot microphone, turkey. Don't say anything you'll regret in the future. Okay, well, calm down. I, uh,

    Aloysious J. Pig: oh. I see. I understand exactly. That's exactly what the turkey is trying to

    Natty Bumpercar: say to everybody.

    Doodle Poodle: Hi, everybody. It's me. It's

    Aloysious J. Pig: a little poodle.

    Doodle Poodle: And I think that I can solve this case. Okay, it's not a case. Perhaps, perchance, probably.

    Natty Bumpercar: He's trying to figure out what he's saying.

    Doodle Poodle: Um, what I'm gonna do is get out some paper. Okay. And make some doodles of what the turkey who is trying to say so that you guys can get a visual representation of exactly what the turkey is trying to tell us. Is that the best idea ever?

    Natty Bumpercar: I'm gonna weigh in on this and say that no, it's actually not the best idea ever. It's not, it's not the worst idea ever. Uh, but, I mean, I guess maybe we could give it a shot. But the thing is, this turkey talks very quickly. And, um, I don't know that you're gonna be able to draw what he's saying fast enough that we'll be able to convey exactly what he's trying to say.

    Doodle Poodle: Oh, look, I drew this unicorn right here. That fast unicorn.

    Natty Bumpercar: Okay. I stand corrected. We are gonna give it a shot. We're gonna give it a shot. Okay. That's kind of amazing that you drew that that fast. Okay. I'm very fast

    Doodle Poodle: doodler. I can draw very quickly if I want to. Sometimes I draw slow. But sometimes I draw really fast, too. This is just how it depends. Oh, what the, you know, this is tough. Oh, he's saddled.

    Aloysious J. Pig: Saddled. Saddled. Saddled. Saddled. Saddled. Saddled. Saddled.

    Rufus T. Rufus: Turkey lawyer T. Rufus. Wait a minute, I did that wrong. Rufus, Turkey lawyer Rufus, that's my name. And I will be legally representing this Turkey here in the court of law to call a justice the court of the public opinion on exactly what he wants to do and what he deserves to do and the life that all Turkies in this great country, in this great world, are allowed to pursue and enjoy. If you do get my drift, and I believe you do by the look on your eye, on your face, above your nose, you see what I'm saying? Rufus, Turkey lawyer Rufus, coming in, swooping in, just like I do, to protect you. To protect you, okay? Okay. Call me up. We're going to settle this out of court, lawyer style.

    Natty Bumpercar: All right. All right. Are you being paid by the minute? Because that was quite the soliloquy, I think that was, the monologue. That was a monologue. That was definitely a more monologue than we needed to have at this moment.

    Rufus T. Rufus: It was more of a soliloquy, I believe. It was more of a, you know. Okay.

    Natty Bumpercar: But we're just trying to figure out what the Turkey is doing. What the Turkey wants, and what the Turkey needs, and what will make the Turkey happy. So, I appreciate everyone being here, but I don't appreciate you.

    Robot: Hey, but I think you should appreciate me, because I think that I have a solution. I have a universal Turkey decoder inside of my programming.

    Producer: Wait, do you really? That might help. Yeah. Yeah. See? Okay.

    Robot: I am good for something, and so, if the Turkey would just come here and wait, where's the Turkey going? I don't understand.

    Natty Bumpercar: All right. So, what do we… Bro, the robot's completely freaking the Turkey out. Okay. He's afraid of the robot. He thinks the robot looks like an oven, and he thinks that this is all a big setup to get the Turkey back in. Yeah. So, we're going to get the Turkey out of the robot's oven, and then we're going to get the Turkey back in. And, of course, we're going to get the Turkey in the robot oven, and then Turkey dinner, which I have told him is not true. We're not doing that. No. He's a rusty bucket of bolts. He's not a cooking utensil item. So, just go on down. All right. Talk to the, you know, the bones. The robot. No, the bones. The bolts over there. Yeah. And, we can get to the bottom. We can settle. Turkey, settle down. Settle down. Turkey. Turkey. Turkey bro. Seriously. Why is he freaking… I can't even imagine the Turkey. He's still freaking out. I was having a nice relaxing day. You're ruining my day. I don't want to say he's ruining it. Hey, turkey. There he goes. He finally went to sleep, everybody. I think all the activity might have worked him up and got him super anxious. Oh, he's so sleepy. I've never seen a sleeping turkey before.

    Producer: He's so cute when he sleeps.

    Natty Bumpercar: Is he purring? I didn't know turkeys purred. This is very strange. Wow, all right. Well, now that the crisis is averted with turkey, I wanted to say thank you so much to everybody for listening to the Bumper Podcast and for being so awesome. And sometimes the world is a big, mean, scary place, but hopefully you listen here and you feel a little bit better. Or you see how crazy my world is and it makes you feel like your world isn't, you know, all that crazy. You're pretty cool. You're pretty nice. You're pretty fun. Definitely pretty funny. And thank you. And thank you and thank you and thank you. And you should wake up every day and you should look in the mirror and you should brush your teeth and then you should wash your face and then you should look yourself in the mirror in the eyes. And you should thank yourself for doing whatever you do, for trying hard, for, you know, making it through the day, making it through the night, because it's not always that easy. And the world's a big, scary place and there's a lot of big, scary things happening. I mean, as turkey evidences. So, hooray for you. Hooray for me. Hooray for every single body. Right? Right. Anybody else want to say anything? Anybody else on the podcast want to say thank you for anything? Or…

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  • Bumperpodcast #308 – Whoo-wee!

    Bumperpodcast #308 – Whoo-wee!

    I missed you . I missed you. I missed you.

    There is no interview, guests, or junk. Just little old me. 

    And – after recording this, I discovered that my site was broken. Hooray for difficulties!

    Here it is – the new podcast that everyone is talking about. The Bumperpodcast is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp around Headquarters, in Coffee-Can Alley, with Natty Bumpercar and his entire gaggle of pals! 

    It’s almost too much to bear – isn’t it? Let us know by sending an email to bumperpodcast@nattybumpercar.com.

    Don’t forget to call in and leave a message – 646.847.7976.

     

    Go like our Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/TheBumperpodcast/)!!

     

    About This Episode

    Natty Bumpercar returns after a long hiatus to catch up with Bumperpodcast listeners in this solo episode. He opens with his signature silly banter about bananas before diving into why the podcast has been on hold and the challenges of scheduling interviews. Natty shares his hectic life updates, including attending a Wizards basketball game, getting a new car, and dealing with absurdly scheduled 8:30 AM and 5:00 PM work calls. He humorously recounts his exhausting Halloween schedule, juggling multiple school parades for his kids Ollie and Emerson, trick-or-treating, and the inevitable candy-induced stomach ache. Despite the chaos, Natty reminds listeners how much he's missed connecting with his Bumperpodcast friends.

    Memorable Quotes

    “I just tried bananas with bananas and it's my favorite thing even though I'm allergic to bananas.”

    — Natty Bumpercar

    “What were you for Halloween? What was I? I was tired.”

    — Natty Bumpercar

    “The 8:30 call they're like well what do I do? I'm like well no updates because we last talked at 5:30 last night and everyone went home.”

    — Natty Bumpercar

    Topics: #halloween #parenting #worklife #schedulingchaos #trick-or-treating #familylife #podcasthiatus

    Featuring: Natty Bumpercar

    Full Transcript

    Natty Bumpercar: oh my beans on my bananas look at you you're looking bananas i just tried bananas with bananas and it's my favorite thing even though i'm allergic to bananas hey everybody it's me it's natty bumper car and the bumper podcast has been gone for so long so long and i think i get all twisted up and jumbled up and sad because i'm like oh i want to do these interviews i want to do this thing i want to do that thing and then when i set it all up and then i can't do that thing for whatever reason technology or scheduling then i kind of like it goes on the back burner and then a couple of weeks goes by and i start to freak out because i'm like oh my goodness i haven't done a show in a long in a long time is what i just said not a long time but a long time don't two two wongs don't make a right is what's happening i'm dropping my r's you that's a good sound um and then so i start freaking out because i'm like i haven't done a show i want to do a show i like to talk to the bumper podcast friends you're my friends you're my bumper podcast coutures and uh so this morning i was like fine i can't i'm just gonna have a show i'm gonna do a show and i'm gonna talk i'm gonna uh do it do an update did i tell you about the yard sale i don't even know did i tell you that we went to a uh a wizard's basketball game wizards probably not did i tell you that we got a different car probably not there's a lot going on is what i'm telling you did i tell you that for some reason at work we have a client that is scheduling calls at 8 30 in the morning and then other calls at five at night definitely i didn't tell you that because i never talk about work and i'm not going to talk about it now but really that's a weird schedule like why would you do that to people and then here's the best part of it uh the 8 30 call they're like well what do i do i'm not going to talk about it now i'm not going to the updates i'm like well no updates because we last talked at 5 30 last night and then everyone went home and no one's in the office yet because it's 8 30 in the morning and they're like well that doesn't make any sense i'm like sure it does um what else is going on i mean like there's a lot it's it's it's november october went by halloween happened i mean what what did what were you for halloween what was i i was tired i was so tired because i had the 8 30 call and then i had wait what was is that yesterday no yesterday okay yes so we had the 8 30 call and then i had uh a 9 30 uh parade at ollie school and then at noon no 11 30 we had to pick emerson up from school to take him to lunch and get him home get him dressed in his costume take him back to the school by 12 30 and then his and then we just stood around and then his thing was at one o'clock his parade and then at four o'clock he was at school and then at five four thirty you gotta go out and you gotta start trick-or-treating and then it's like what in the world is going on and then there's all this candy and so you're eating all this stuff and then you have a stomach ache and i don't know man it's crazy i'm just telling you that a lot of crazy stuff is going on but you know what i miss you so much

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