Tag: comedy podcast

Natty Bumpercar: always so busy never not busy never not moving never slowing down going over here going over there never stop moving moving all around do i even sleep i don't even know do i even eat yeah my stomach says yes it says it actually says stop eating as much uh hi everyone this is natty bumper car and this is the bumper podcast and it is summer it is so summer it hurts it is so summer that you can't even believe how summer it is and what do i mean by that i mean it's hot and it has been hot for it feels like forever every time i go out of my house you know what i just uh i melt into a puddle just right there my kids they want to go to the pool they want to go to camp they want to go to a move whatever they want to go to they're like come on dad let's go and i go all right just hold on a second and then i walk out of the door i turn into a puddle and so now what the kids do they know they travel with a bucket so that anytime we have to go someplace one of them goes out starts the car turns the air conditioning on the other one goes and gets the bucket and the scoop and then uh they know that the we have to leave a lot earlier than you would think that we would have to leave because they are factoring in the amount of time that it will take for me to walk out the door melt be scooped up be put into the air-conditioned car and uh reconstitute recompose i'm not really sure what i'm doing i guess i'm becoming becoming less gooey less gelatinous more solid i'm not sure now i don't even know they figured it out it wasn't me if it was up to me i would i just would have stayed a puddle for the rest of my days and then the nights i would probably un-puddle because it would be cooler um and then in the morning i guess i would just be a puddle again that's not going to be good for the resale of the house because i'm right in front of the front door usually when this happens and you know i don't know a lot about real estate some would say barely anything uh but i do i'm guessing this is me guessing i'm going out on a limb and i'm saying that having a puddle of goo right in front of the front door probably not going to help with resale value i mean i again i can't promise that i don't know what 100% for sure but that's what my instincts my just uh razor sharp business instincts are telling me i don't have razor sharp instincts you guys i just wanted to make sure that you knew that i i don't have razor sharp anything at this point my uh fingernails not razor sharp my wit not razor sharp um my sword it's not even razor sharp uh my knives all of my knives i was told i have to take my knives to a place to get them sharpened and i don't know i'm nervous about it because i don't really know what it means i mean i understand the concept you have a knife you take it to a place the the people there uh make it sharp somehow i'm guessing uh ai robots maybe they have uh i don't know badger in the back working in the back who has skills i don't know how it works but i'm just freaked out because i'm going to take all my knives someplace and they're going to take my knives they're going to do some sort of alchemy some sort of magic uh to to the knives and or you know what they're going to do first you're going to take the knives and you're going to take the knives and you're going to take the and they're going to judge me they're going to look at the knives and they're going to judge me on uh the lack of sharpness the um just lack of upkeep on my knives and so i have to mentally and emotionally prepare myself for that part like i'm now getting over the hump of uh gathering up all the knives and and then you know finding the place going to the place getting out of the car not melting going into the place uh and then they're just going to judge they're going to look at the knives they're going to kind of probably spread them out on the table or whatever and they're going to look at them and you know they'll start picking them up maybe they'll even put them in order like size order or something they're going to start picking them up by the handle and kind of holding them straight up and looking at them twisting them in their hand twisting them back kind of uh angling them more so they're getting a little bit of a different light and as they're getting more and more they're doing this you know and they keep shifting it around in their hand they're going to make these big sighs like you know like that not like oh well okay these won't look at these knives no it's gonna be judgy mcjudgerson mcmean mcknife sharpeners and then they're gonna take my knives and i'm gonna forget to ask how much it all costs and i'm gonna forget to ask how much it all costs and i'm gonna forget to ask how much it all costs and i'm gonna forget to ask how much it all costs and then in two weeks or whatever costs and then in two weeks or whatever when they when they hey we got your knives back i'm gonna go and and they're gonna say we really had to do a lot of work on those knives and i'll be like cool i got it thanks you already made me feel awesome and um they're gonna go in the back and they might even give me a ticket when i leave so they might take my ticket when i get there look at the ticket then make fun of me then go back to the back and and and bring out a uh a bag or whatever uh a tray maybe of of my knives and they're gonna put them on the table and uh they'll say you know take a look maybe maybe they'll maybe they'll even give me like a carrot to cut just to prove how sharp these knives now are be careful with those all right those are very sharp now much sharper than they were when you br i'm like i get it buddy they're like would you like to cut a carrot i'm like yeah well yeah who wouldn't want to cut a carrot you want to cut we also have i don't you probably don't know this you don't remember but there used to be commercials on uh the television where they would sell knives and and they would be they would take a a can like a can of soup can of pea what i don't know some other metal can and uh they go like this knife can cut through anything and they cut through a knife uh the can with a knife which in your mind you're like well that's destroyed that knife that knife is never coming back from that and then they would go and they'd bring in a tomato and they would just right through it like like the like the the knife was a razor blade like the knife was a laser razor blade and they would just cut right through that tomato and then they'd go back and they would start hacking at uh i don't remember what it was a block of ice or something hard um yeah and then they'd go back and they'd say they'd take a strawberry a sweet delicious little strawberry and they would just so gently cut the strawberry and you'd just go well these knives what are they how do i how do i get them and then they would tell you how much they were how to get them who to call how long it was probably going to take for them to get to you and then you know what i'm like okay i'm not going to do this or anything like that so i just stick with you guys i'm putting this again and what i really like is that cuitlla and with them i do a bunch of this type of thai things i use actually hopefully you'll see it when i do it when i do this in my videos when i use them and i'm just really interested in what this actually looks like but i think what i'd like to make you know is i think about it related to cortical vibrancy like you know my weaponry recipe i thought it was fantastic and i spent so much time different things every time that i made something new because i thought it was better by women than coming back to stuart That's a lot of knives. I would go so far as to say it's an unhealthy, unsafe amount of knives. Like if I'm going to go into a house and I see, you know, people have like a block on their countertop and it's a knife block. And I walk in and I go, oh, look at those knives, cool. But if I walk in and I see two knife blocks, I'm turning around and leaving because you're someone who has too many knives. I don't need to be around that many sharp surfaces. And if there are these magic knives, then they're very sharp, very, very sharp. Anyway, back to my knife story. I'm there. Guy, you want to cut a carrot, whatever. I don't think they'd bring out a can, although that'd be pretty amazing. And you're like, OK, these seem good because what do you I mean, they're knives. You're going to be like, OK, cut a carrot. Awesome. And. And then they'll sort of be like, yeah, well, you know, we also did this to it. We also upgraded you to this. You know, we really felt like and you're like, I just want my knives. I want I just I just want to go home and not have to think about knives anymore for right now. Maybe ever. And then you're like, OK, well, what's what's the damage? What's the bill? How much is this going to cost? Whatever. And then they they. They throw out some number that's so exorbitant, so insanely expensive that you could have gone out and taken. You could have gone to Norway and taken classes on craft knife building. And so you've flown. You're staying there for the two weeks. You are buying the materials. You're paying for the class and you're flying back. And that would have been less money than what they are. Now charging you to sharpen your knives. And so you're in a real conundrum because there's the knives. You've done everything. You took the mocking. You got them sharpened. And now you're looking at a bill and you know, they have you. The work has been done. There's nothing you can do. What are you going to do? You're just going to throw your hands up. You know what? I don't want these knives anymore. But you do because they're your knives. What are you going to what are you going to do when you get home? And people are going to people are going to ask, because you know what people in houses like to do? They like to cut things. They like to cut vegetables. They like to cut fruit. They like to cut meat. They don't like to cut cans. They don't. Well, they should. All right. I'm gonna give you a little secret here. I've discovered that my child, one of my children, we won't say which one, has a tendency to take cans of soda. Cans of seltzer, whatever it is, cans of beverage, say, and he sneaks them out into the yard. You're like, oh, come on, just let the kid have a can of Sprite. No, no, no. He takes the cans and he takes knives like sharp things and he cuts into the cans and then he comes in either covered in sugar water or maybe bleeding. What happened? Oh, yeah. I fell off the slide. What? You fell off the slide? Are you OK? Oh, baby. Then you go outside and you see a massacred can and you're like, this kid does not need any more knives at all.

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