Tag: comedy podcast

Natty Bumpercar: there is so much excitement here at headquarters right now because christmas is so close i don't know how you feel about christmas but i love christmas and christmas is fun and i went to a mall last night at like 10 o'clock at night and just walked around i didn't buy anything i didn't have really much of an intention to buying anything i just wanted to walk around in a mall at 10 o'clock and look at people look at all these people what are you guys doing here it's it's late it's late night we're walking around a mall there are people eating pretzels at 10 o'clock at night they were pretending like it was just normal time to be there is people eating fried chicken at the mall at 10 o'clock at night and i was like what are you doing to yourself right now dude why would you even why would you even do that to yourself that's a terrible idea fried chicken at 10 o'clock is no man's land that's doing bad things to you your body doesn't it might say it appreciates it but it doesn't appreciate it and you're gonna have crazy fried chicken dreams which in hindsight now that i've said it out loud sounds like it might actually be a fun thing so maybe i'm in the wrong i don't like to say it but i i think i might be wrong here uh tonight midnight i'm having some fried chicken so strap in let's see where we go no i can't i did have i will admit i had a uh what was it mango black tea lemonade oh hi how are you i'm a fancy bumper car i'm gonna have some of this mango black tea uh lemonade oh thank you i know no sugar it's already sweet enough for me thank you i'm finally a guy thank you very much uh but even that was a little too much for me i kind of i think it kept me awake a bit uh says and i walked around and i walked into a few stores and i even i tried a couple of things on uh and uh i don't know i just don't feel like they make clothes for me anymore what does that mean you wear pants you wear shirts i do but i don't know i don't know i mean i like the stuff i have yeah but the stuff you have is falling off of you it's literally rotting off of you that's true i a lot of my clothes are frayed and have holes in them uh but it's it's it's not because i don't love them it's because i do love them some would say i love my clothes too much um so much so that they're irreplaceable i go to the mall and i'm essentially looking for the same thing that i'm wearing to be on the rack and to be roughly seven dollars and it's not there it doesn't exist oh look at this this store this entire store is 60 off that's great wait the pants are still 45 how much were they before i can't do the math but that just seems like they were too expensive i feel like i'm ranting how many stores did i go i went to one two i went like six stores right and i now that i i know this but i forget it sometimes but i think all these stores are owned by the same company and so they're all derivations on the same clothes but just maybe made a little bit cheaper like oh this one's made of thread that will actually dissolve as you wear it oh that's fun no it's not because then your pants fall off i don't want that well that's what you bought if you're buying these clothes that is the experience that you have bought we call that experience naked in a mall well that sounds terrible and i will not have it i will not have it off and i hated being paid for them i was trying to buy that day when i was 5 the within 25 days uh as we were walking i had one of those wallets and was really shocked excited like peppered in the lover and they had this other People the thing I had just media ᵃ ᵃ ᵗᵗᵒᵒᵚᵗ Spígena here but I took it off and it's precisely not camera the thing on the noodles I'm not with me You should have told me if you weren't listening over and over again and what do anybody wants I'll give you a hand but I definitely made it all smushed and crumbly, and I was just like, your presentation is not where it needs to be, my friend. I'm, I'm eating with my eyes right now, and my eyes are saying I am not hungry for that, that garbage. Sorry, you know, but you need to take that back to the drawing board and try again if you want this man to try your macaroons. I did not try a macaroon. I, um, I did, I had other plans. I had big plans last night. I was gonna go to, uh, I was gonna go to the mall, and then I was gonna go to, uh, another, whatever, Target, and then I was gonna go to Toys R Us, because I looked it on the website on all these places. Uh, the mall was open till 12. Uh, Target was open till, I think, 12 also. Toys R Us was open until 2 a.m. Now, that's the only reason that I wanted to go there. Uh, when I was in college, that was right around the time that Walmart decided that they would be 24 hours, and I don't know if they all are still, or I don't know. Uh, but it was just this fascination with going to this place in the middle of the night and seeing who was there, and you would see, it's, it was like, um, and this isn't knocking anyone, because people have different schedules. They, you know, whatever. Okay, fine, it's a little bit knocking, but it was like the mole creatures had come out of the ground, out of their, out of their caves, out of their, their hovels, and, and their eyes were kind of, uh, you know, gray. They looked very good. gray i feel like people who shop in the middle of the night are a little bit gray uh and then their eyes were kind of sunken like they're not getting enough vitamin d not not getting enough light and i worry about these people but i also want to go walk around the store and and see who they are that's it don't want to talk to them don't want to meet them that's too much that's too much human contact i can't deal with that i want to be in my bubble here you be in your bubble over there that's not that's not real i like to meet people i like um when i go to stores i like to uh hey you know like that but not not too much because if you do hate too much of that guy then you're terrible but just a little bit of uh like a little comment like i like what was it the other day i was in the city and there was this woman and she had a baby carriage and it got stuck in the snow with the baby in it on the street and i was like hey you want help with that you know a lot people are just gonna walk by and be like good luck baby good luck you baby see you see you never if you don't make it across that street this is you're done uh but i walked out i was just like can i help you with that and she was like yes thank you so i grabbed the front of the carriage lifted it up got it out of the slush and i said do you need help the rest of the way and she's like no thank you so much i think i've got it from here and i was like all right i did something good later that night i was at a cvs had to run in and grab something there was a an older woman coming out pushing a cart that had probably 15 things of seltzer like a 12 pack a lot of seltzer she was very thirsty and um there was no handicap uh ramp to get off of the of the sidewalk and so she's standing there and she's like trying she's thinking about i can see she's kind of pushing it thinking pulling back thinking going forward and so i was just like hey did you want to did you want to get the cart off the the sidewalk and she's like well i'd like that very much and i was like well here let me help you out so twice in a day i grabbed the cart put it on this on the street and she went off to her car uh twice in a day i was able to help people and really this time of year you know what it's all about it's about being nice to people it's about helping people because right now is when people are the most stressed ever people are freaked out not because you mean there's the world is freaking them out the politics can freak them out uh family dynamics can freak them out uh they got to travel they're they're dealing with work and there's time off and you're at the office and everyone piles everything on you at the end of the year because they're all taking their vacation days oh but i was supposed to take vacation days too too bad you're a little man on the totem pole ah this world is crazy that's what people are going through so what do you do you fight find a way to be nice to them you find a way to uh if you see somebody struggling you lend a helping hand right right that's what you do that's the best move and not just this time of year but all times of the year you see a guy holding a kid and he's got a drink and there's another drink on the counter at mcdonald's and maybe his tray he'd be like buddy you need help getting this to your seat he's gonna you know what he's gonna be he's gonna look at you like you're trying to take his food but then he's gonna be like i can help i can get you and he's gonna be like man thanks i appreciate that or he's gonna say don't touch my food and you're gonna be like cool bro you got it run a good luck i'm gonna guess i'm gonna watch this i'm gonna watch you do this like you're in cirque de soleil um because sometimes people don't like to be helped i was actually talking to somebody about that the other day uh when you get older you get into this weird situation uh where you're people don't talk to each other people don't uh and it's not just a lack of communication but people don't share experiences and it's because people are nervous and scared that uh they're gonna look worse for the situations that they're in or the different variables in their life right but the thing is we've all got variables in our life we've all got uh thing burdens or whatever uh things that we're dealing with and so i was i was talking to a friend and i was talking to this person i was like man wouldn't it be nice if there was like a a clearing house like a no judgment clearing house where you go and you have a group of people uh and you can just talk it out without people being like oh well that guy really is blowing it huh uh and they were like you mean like friends and i was like oh that sounds like friends yes it would be so nice to have friends um but the thing is it's it's you get older and you know you're you're so caught up in everything and running from here to there and trying to do the best just to survive you're running to work oh you got to get the kids ready to school you got oh we got to get their lunches oh he's got to have his school book back in today oh don't forget that one's got funny hat day today does he have uh school lunch today i'm not sure what did they eat for breakfast well this one had some yogurt he refused to eat is that one even wearing shoes oh i forgot shoes how did i manage to forget shoes oh they didn't brush your teeth oh they didn't comb their hair oh this one forgot to do his homework like there's so much going on that it's you can't point the blame at anyone and be like well you guys could figure this out easier if you just crowdsourced and put your heads together and shared your experiences because that that's just too simple right it's just too simple i guess i don't know