Tag: comedian

Natty Bumpercar: now you see so what i was telling them was that you gotta take a little bit from column a and a little bit from column b and then at the bottom of the chart what's gonna happen is you're gonna those are gonna conflagrate you know i don't do a lot of math terms hey pig oh hey bumsy what's going on not much what are you talking about a little bit from column i love it when people say that you take a little bit from column a and a little bit from column b because it just makes it things sound very uh organized and very there's a logic structure that's behind it and things are making sense and you've got columns you might even have rows i don't know but i am not that organized and and and that's not how i live my life but i'm glad that there are people who who are like that so good for them well here's the thing too is like for me uh i'm not organized neither but uh i i'm not we're not doing spring cleaning but we're doing is we're springing forward if you understand so we spring the spring is sprang sprung sprung sprung yeah fine that's fine yeah okay so the spring is sprung oh so you're saying that we're not necessarily doing cleaning around here we're not cleaning house but that uh we were we were coiled up for the winter we were uh burrowed in we were uh hiding under the blankets and now maybe the sun is going to come out and the snow is going to melt away and there's going to be blue skies and then we can finally get on with our lives after this long winter is that is that what you're essentially that's what i'm saying but the winter's been so long it seems like it's been like 18 months of long winter i didn't move to mars all right mars is a terrible place to raise a pig and so i don't want to go there what i like i like seasons not seasoning i like just uh hey guess what it is it's full oh you know what's coming up next a little thing we call winter and then hey after winter uh how about we do some spring and then some summer yeah here's the thing that's four months or four seasons yeah you got it and then it is 12 months calendars no months 12 months and hold on all right now here i think i i i i like what you're screaming over there pig so let me i'm going to take over for just a second here what you're saying is there's four seasons per year uh fall winter spring summer all right cool and then there's 12 months 12 divided by four is going to it should be three i want three months of spring i want three months of fall i want three months of summer and most importantly i want no more than three months of winter yes if i can have it winter is my least favorite why because i get chilly i get chilly cold i have normally i'm walking around during the winter with five to six jackets on that's too many jackets i can't even fit through most doors too many jackets too much it's too much it's too much i can't and the kids are always like hey are we going to the pool now oh the pool's outside we can't go to the pool why not they're like i'd go swimming it's like you would you would you would freeze it would be terrible it'd be the worst thing ever here's my thing uh i i like winter because uh of uh christmas so i get some stuff under the tree we have the tree and it smells nice and i do like if i'm sitting by the window i like it when it snows because it looks really pretty like there's street lights out street lights on the street and um you can see the snowflakes flittering and fluttering through the street lights because the street lights have kind of a lot of light and it's kind of a little bit of an orange orange glow orange yeah orange yeah and it just looks really pretty but then i don't want to go out in it and i don't want to drive in it and i know you don't want to shovel it because you get sick of that it's just too much it's terrible but then you know they're like what's the groundhog he's just like hey bro you got six more weeks of winter and you're like oh okay i guess i can handle that i guess i can deal with it and then you're into week eight you're into nine and it's still winter and you're like bro bro we had a contract like we had an agreement

Rufus T. Rufus: hold on a second here this is rufus t rufus and did i hear someone talk about a contract well my friend my friend my friend i am the one around the bumper podcast headquarters who talks about contracts excuse me i got a little bit of a cold that's why i don't sound quite normal today you understand because winter has not ceased to exist and so i am still feeling a little bit cold and not feeling too well however i can and i will defend your honor in court of law and i will take that contract that that varmint has put together and i will take that contract and i will take that contract and i will take that contract and i will Take it to the magistrate, and we will make it so, so, not good, but great, if you understand what I'm saying, if you understand what I mean.

Natty Bumpercar: How you doing, Rufus? You sound, you sound really kind of sick, like you got a frog in your throat. Rufus, have you been eating frogs again? Because we told you that's not, that's frowned upon. You know, considering that I am an anthropomorphic pig, and we got dogs that talk and everything, we're asking you not to eat too many animals, because you never know. Hold on a second, I just remembered, producer from my Periscope show is a frog, please tell me that producer is not in your throat. Oh no, oh no, this is, speaking of breaking contracts, specifically in his contract, it said, do not eat me, so that's, that's against the law. You're breaking the law, you're breaking the law, you're breaking the law, you're breaking the law, you're breaking the law, you're breaking the law!

Rufus T. Rufus: I would never break the law! You understand, I do not break the laws, I make the laws, and every so often I swoop in and I take the laws, because that, you see, you see, you see, you see, my friend, is how it works in our society. Well, we have a bit of a pyramid, and there's people that are working, there's people that are working, and then there's other people like myself that are born into a situation. That are born into a stature, you understand, where I don't have to work if I don't want to. I was born on third base, and the ball is in left field, and I'm just gonna walk on home, if you understand, and I'm going to, I know I did not hit the ball, I was hit by a pitch, which got me on the first base, and then there was a passed ball, which ended me up on second base, and then, lo and behold, one of the infielders, he, he, he, he booted the ball, which moved me on to third base. So I got here by not doing anything in particular other than being a part of the game. I was born, I was put into the game, and now I'm on third base, and I'm walking home, because that is how our society works. I was put here for a reason, and that reason is, I was put here for a reason, and that reason is, to score points, so my friend, my friend, my friend, I'm sorry if it sounds like I have a frog in my throat, but I will not be besmirched by the likes of you or your little pink friend.

Natty Bumpercar: Hey, uh, lip bro, no one's besmirching you, you gotta understand, you come into the kitchen, it's kind of a little bit… it's kind of a little bit warm. We're just recording a podcast, and you slipped in when you heard the whole thing about contracts, which is totally understandable, it makes a whole bunch of sense. However, we just gotta, you know, maybe point out to you, though, relax a little bit, we're having fun. This is a bumper podcast, so it's his show, and he's just gonna bibble, and he's gonna babble, and he's not necessarily gonna talk about anything in particular. But you're gonna listen to it, because you love it, because every week it comes out, and it's so much fun! Right, bro? Yeah, bro, of course, bro, bro, bro. Uh, yeah, so this is the Bumper Podcast, and I am Natty Bumpercar, and that is my friend, I'm turning your mics off just so you know, Aloysius J. Pig, he gave you a wave, and thank you for coming in, as always, Rufus T. Rufus, he is the legal counsel for all of us here at, uh, headquarters for the Bumper Podcast, and everything else that we do, including… We've been making some cool webcomics, uh, drawing some, uh, my little ants, I don't know if you've ever seen them, but they're cute, and they're, but they, sometimes they yell, and so, I think I have to maybe do a little bit more research, but we're calling that webcomic, Rants, now, because, ants, I saw that somebody had taken the name, Ants, for their comic, and I was like, ahhh, but I've been doing this for years, but I just never, I never grabbed it, I guess, and so, uh, I think Rants is kinda cute, because it makes sense. And then, on the sideline, we're, I'm trying to figure out how to, uh, I don't know if you guys ever read Snowflake, it was my comic, and it's so great, it's my, it's one of my favorite things I've ever done. But, I'm trying to figure out how I can make Snowflake, uh, uh, start it up again, but then I think I might also take all of the, uh, the strips, and cut them up so we, they can be on Instagram, and so they can be their own, uh, their own thing. and so they can be their own, uh, their own thing. and so they can be their own, uh, their own thing. and so they can be their own, uh, their own thing. and so they can be their own, uh, their own thing. right? and I, cause I see, there's these webcomics that are on Instagram, and they're super cool, because, like, you can swipe on them to get the different, uh, the different panels, and I was like, I want, I want my little dudes to do that! I wish I had an intern. Does anyone wanna be an intern? Cause then you can sit around and you can cut up, I think there's roughly, like, 200 or so of these comics that need to be cut up. Uh, I'll pay you handsomely in experience! That's what, that's a funny thing they do in stand-up, uh, comedy, is, uh, people, so there's, I, I've talked about it before, but there's a lot of bad people, and they're like, hey, you wanna come do my show? And you're like, ah, I don't know, what, you know, and you're like, we gotta bring five people, and they gotta, you know, there's a ticket admission at the door, then they gotta buy drinks, and you're like, ah, my friends are gonna be out, like, $70? You know, do I get paid? And they're like, paid? Paid? Yeah, you get paid in exchange. You get paid in experience, and you're like, that's not paid! That's not, no, that's, you're taking advantage. Ladies and gentlemen who listen to the Bumper Podcast, what I want you to take away from this show, if you, if you will, is watch out, because there's people in the world who want to take advantage of you. Don't let them do that. They're predatory, mean people, who will see people coming down the, uh, boardwalk, walking around with their balloon and their, uh, their cotton candy, and they, they're like, that one, I'm gonna take that one for everything they've got. Don't let them. Don't let them. Stand up for yourself, alright? Don't, I'm not saying get in fights or get in a huff, but just be cognizant that sometimes people don't have your best interests at heart. Uh, and you want to go into the world, you don't want to be jaded, you don't want to be like, oh, the world's out to get me, but you've just got to go into the world. You've got to understand that, take care of yourself, and take care of the people around you, and your friends, and your loved ones, because, otherwise, who's gonna do it? Not, not random people. Random people are gonna try to take your cotton candy. They're gonna try to pop your balloon. And that's not acceptable. They're gonna try to take your bumper podcast away, and we just won't let them!

Unknown: We won't let them.