Tag Archive for: christmas

Bumperpodcast #311 – A story about Santa…

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Sorry that I’ve been gone. I’ve missed you.

I hope this story about Santa makes up for it. (I cry a bit towards the end…)

Here it is – the new podcast that everyone is talking about. The Bumperpodcast is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp around Headquarters, in Coffee-Can Alley, with Natty Bumpercar and his entire gaggle of pals! 

Send us an email to bumperpodcast@nattybumpercar.com.

Don’t forget to call in and leave a message – 646.847.7976.

 

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Full Transcript

Natty Bumpercar: hey bumper podcast it's me natty bumper car did you forget my name did you forget who i am did you forget about me i got so exhausted after the big turkey episode that i just kind of crawled into my hole and i put a little blanket on and i made sure that i had my socks on because i didn't want my feet to get cold because if my feet are cold then i'm probably gonna catch some sort of a cold wait a minute i'm gonna catch a cold from my feet being cold sure that's fine uh but i've been gone for a long time and i apologize it's just a lot of life going on um just to give you a super quick update we passed inspection for electric and for plumbing and for build on the bathroom that i'm building hooray bumper car and um you know the kids have been kind of in and out of school because of holiday stuff and we've been going to parties and holiday parties and birthday parties and parties Parties and parties and parties and family parties and all sorts of stuff. And it's just been really busy. And shows, so many shows. So it's been good. It's been great. But I've missed you. I always miss you when I don't talk to you. I get kind of freaked out. Kind of about freaked out how freaked I am that I don't know currently. Pig is hiding from me, as he does sometimes. And that freaks me out. You know this. But more importantly, all that being said, here's a story that I want to tell you today. And it's a super, super, super, super awesome story to me. And I wanted to record it. And I'm thinking that my kids probably won't listen to it. And I'll give you a little warning that your kids, I don't know if they want to listen to it. It's about Santa Claus. And basically, you know, obviously Santa Claus is real. Correct? We know this. Right? Yes. But. But for the last seven years at my kids' school, at their daycare, first for Emerson and then for Oliver, when Emerson went to kindergarten and then Oliver went there, every year they have a big Christmas party, a huge Christmas party. And one year they said, it was like the first year I was there, they were like, hey, do you want to be Santa Claus at our party? Do you want to? We have a costume. You can dress up. You can be Santa Claus. And I was like, yeah, I've never considered doing that, but I would love to do it. Right. And so I got the costume and the first year I was, I was like, you know, whatever. This is fun. But they were like tiny babies. And so I just put on a little show, put on a big voice and everything. And, um, and then, and then as the years went on and the kids were getting older, I would get a little bit more freaked out that I was like, oh no, I, I don't want them to figure out it's me. I don't want the kids to know that. I'm playing the part of Santa Claus today, not the real Santa Claus, like a Santa Claus helper. And, um, and so I, I would have them put makeup on me or I would do this thing where I would actually shave my beard. I have a beard usually. And on this day, this is the day of the year that I shave it all off. And the reason I do it is so that when I pick the kids up, when they see me, I'm hoping for some sort of like a cognitive dissonance, like, like, whoa, daddy looks different. So that. If there's any thought that I'm Santa Claus playing Santa Claus, that they won't realize it. Right. So that's my logic there. Uh, the first time I did it, I think it was like, Emerson was just like, nope, I don't, I do not know who that man is. I am not going to go over to that man. I do not know. I'm not familiar with whoever this person is. And I would talk to him. I was like, Hey, it's me, dad. And he was just like, ah, I don't know. Nah, nah. But anyway, and Oliver, I think just cried, which is, you know, this happens, but so I would go through these links. To try to make sure that I was putting on as good of a, uh, ruse as I could. And then they started, they would put like blush on me and they would put the head, like eyeliner pencils. So they would get rid of my eye, my eyebrows, whatever. And the voice that I would put on was kind of like this. It was a little bit like I was trying to do a Sean Connery, but someone yesterday said I was a little bit like David Attenborough. So it's a little bit. British and they actually at the daycare, they thought it was hilarious. They were like, oh, you sound like you're from England. And I was just like, all right, I'll take it. I don't mind. And then somebody was just like, oh, you sound like Mrs. Doubtfire. And I was just like, that's completely different. Cause that's like, which is like, there's high pitched and I was not doing any high pitch things as all, uh, but anyway, and I would sing songs and ho, ho, ho, ho. You understand my soul thing. So every year I would do it. And it's my favorite day of the year by far, by far my favorite day because I get nerves, I get, uh, kind of terrified just because every year when they get older, I'm just like, all right, I got to really amp up the show and, and, and just like seeing the kids and we have pictures of Oliver and I think of Emerson too. I need to find them sitting in my lap, like looking at me, not knowing it's their dad. And it's just like, ah, it's heartbreaking. So yesterday was the last time that I'm going to get to do it because Oliver's going to kindergarten next year and you know, it's the, I mean, the people at the daycare, they're kind of freaked out too. I'm super freaked out, but they're kind of freaked out because they're like, oh, we got to find a new Santa. And I'm like, oh, my heart's breaking. Um, but yesterday I went in and I did it. And, um, I, I, I get very, I get, I cry sometimes, but yesterday I managed not to cry. Uh, I went in and I did it and it was great and it didn't hit me until, so after I'm in the room with all the kids, probably like 70 people or so, I don't know. And you're talking and you're doing all the different classes and you're taking all the different pictures and I'm asking them what they want for Christmas. And I have the teachers write the kids names and the names if they have elves at home so that I can kind of call it out and be like, oh, you know, Adrian, how are you doing over there? Whatever, blah, blah, blah. And how is sprinkles your elf? And they're like, oh man, this dude knows my elf. Like this is, how's this happening? Or if I know parents' names, I'll throw parents' names. And I did that a couple of times yesterday too. Um, just, you know, anything to create a connection with a kid. Cause it just like, it kind of deepens the magic of the whole thing to my, to my mind. And so it was, it was great. And we sang songs and I tell silly little jokes. Um, and it's a lot of call and response and a lot, I mean, there's a lot of screaming, uh, a lot of excitement, a lot of screaming from tears. Also kids get freaked out by Santa. And then I have to shut it down a little bit and say, oh, it's okay, dear. You're perfectly fine. It's going to be Santa's here to say hello to you. I didn't mean to scare you or whatever, stuff like that. And, um, so then I go around to each of each room individually say goodbye, babies. Thank you for having me. Bye one or twos threes. And at the threes was where it started. It hit me because they gave me a bag of candy canes, like a stocking full of candy canes. And so I took a class picture. I thanked them. I got them all to stand in a line. And then I was giving out the candy canes and individually one by one by one. And they would say, thank you, Santa. Thank you, Santa. And it's, oh, it's getting me now. And just so much, so many emotions and so much joy. But. Sadness. And it's, oh, now I'm getting sad. OK, hold on. Deep breaths, deep breaths, deep breaths. It's my favorite day. So I think, you know, then I got over to Ali's room and the kids are a little bit bigger and they, you know, they're they're they're sweet and they they they're much more rambunctious because, you know, they're almost they're almost kindergartners. And I think that's part of it, too, is you have kids and you're watching them grow up and they're getting older and it's just like, ah. Where's my little baby? Oh, and I'm crying. I'm full of crying. But it's just. And so when when I was talking to Ali, he was in my lap and took the picture with him and then I asked him what he wanted for Christmas. And he said a remote control dinosaur, no, a remote control dragon, which it's it's December 21st at that point. Never have I heard him mention a remote control dragon, but that's fine. We'll figure that out. But as he was walking away. I said, I said, I said, hello, you know, Oliver, I want you to make sure you have a brother. Correct. And he was just like, yeah. And I was like, his name is is Emerson J. Emerson. Is that right? And he was like, yeah. I was like, I want you to tell him that I'm keeping an extra special eye on him. And I did like a little thing. And I and I then I mentioned Elf. I was just like, and and also your your elf, Elfie the snow monster. He's a he's a he's one of my favorite elves. He does a great job every year. Just tell him I said hello or whatever. And he was totally freaked out. Right. And it wasn't until so I was walking out to the car and the women who run the daycare, I was like, oh, my gosh, you almost had emotions. And they're like, stop. And then I got in the car and I put on Christmas music, waterworks, bawling tears. Right. I picked the kids up and Emerson Oliver's telling Emerson that Santa was asking about. And then all he goes a few minutes later, he goes, oh, dad, Santa sounded a little bit like you. And I was like, no. And Emerson was like, you have a Santa suit. And I was like, no, I don't have a Santa suit. He was like, yes, you do. And I was like, I do not have a Santa suit, because at that point I didn't. I had returned it. But it was I guess we came close. I guess we ended it at the right time. But seriously, I love it. And I love you guys. Happy holidays from the Bumper podcast.

Unknown: Happy holidays from the Bumper podcast.

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Bumperpodcast #280 – Christmas Kid Excitement

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The kids are excited to join the Bumperpodcast to talk about Christmas. Until they aren’t! Then Bumpercar takes over to round out the cheer!

Did you have any cheer left? Let us know by sending an email to bumperpodcast@nattybumpercar.com.

The Bumperpodcast is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp around Headquarters, in Coffee-Can Alley, with Natty Bumpercar and his entire gaggle of pals! 

Full Transcript

Natty Bumpercar: oh hi everybody it's me natty bumper car and i am sitting here with two of my favorite people in the whole entire world what is your name emerson and what is your name and what are we here to talk about today christmas we're here to talk about christmas that's right here you can listen into that one um so are we excited about christmas yeah do you guys think you're gonna get any presents for christmas yeah um has we had an elf in our house for like 25 days yeah what's

Unknown: the elf's name oh um elfie the snow monster elfie the snow monster that's so scary yes you can put

Natty Bumpercar: the headphones on okay guys now we're flying blind i don't have any uh way to monitor the sound i apologize so what has been your favorite part of the christmas season so far that's the only one snowy it's only snowed one little time though i know holly don't worry about the headphones all you're hearing is the same thing you're hearing out here the headphones are not exciting trust me yeah um they like to focus on the headphones sometimes when we should be focusing on christmas yeah let's focus on should we should we go get a tree today no we already have a tree we already have a tree in our house yes our elf is on it and oliver did you decorate the tree yeah what'd you put on it he broke some stuff uh-oh dun dun dun what he was kind of naughty oliver were you naughty this year yes ollie tell me tell me ollie how are you naughty because you're not naughty because you

Unknown: were doing bad stuff mo mo mo emerson were you a little bit naughty too yeah did you have to go

Natty Bumpercar: see the principal last week stop it let's stop last week but ollie i need you i need you to go

Unknown: in out your Aw Roxo because he broke his stuff we're gonna have to give you a bad story oh how you are you gonna laugh all right when i'm in Algiers how thoughts do you have about it tag us on clapping your hand shows me a tie WEL Gateway that's the used car box in our home we're gonna saw try do something

Natty Bumpercar: and you can dial I don't know why we're a little dizzy I care about irgendwie I think you're going to care over that

Unknown: you for the big uh for the big you want to play you don't want to record we're gonna record some

Natty Bumpercar: fun songs this is the worst podcast ever ollie this is the worst podcast ever but it was supposed to be oh no you sound like my reviews on itunes no this is supposed to be the best podcast ever hold on ollie stop yelling ollie i heard you had a special guest at your school did somebody come to your school one day who came to your school everybody came but didn't you have a special guest at your christmas party who came to your christmas party you know if you just nod they're not going to hear you something you don't remember who came didn't he have a red suit on and some bells or something who was it did santa claus come to your school and what did you guys do you sang songs that's well should we sing a song or two right now okay what song should we sing do you like rudolph the red-nosed reindeer you you can talk now i just want you to talk over him are you abstaining from talking now you guys are you guys are worked up this morning saw it you guys sing louder sing really loud sing as loud as you can one two three

Unknown: yeah

Natty Bumpercar: yeah

Unknown: yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah like light double oh love the other

Natty Bumpercar: start laughing call him

Unknown: she gets a smell uh uh killed

Natty Bumpercar: that's not nice

Unknown: until here

Natty Bumpercar: you got stuff 다

Unknown: All right. And they shouted out with glee. You're not, you're not. All right. And Rudolph,

Natty Bumpercar: the red-nosed reindeer, he'll go down in history. That was very good, Ollie. Yeah, sure. Can I ask you real quick a couple questions? What do you think Santa's going to bring you for Christmas? Or what do you want Santa to bring you for Christmas?

Unknown: A toy car. A toy dino.

Natty Bumpercar: A toy dino? That sounds kind of scary. It's not going to scare Santa Claus? Okay. Emerson, what do you want for Christmas? Nothing? You're going to be quiet? Oh, well, this didn't turn into the magical podcast that we were hoping it was going to turn into, did it?

Unknown: Um, what do you want for Christmas? Eh, nothing?

Natty Bumpercar: Nothing? I guess he doesn't want anything. Oh, well, this is going to be an easy year for Santa Claus, then.

Unknown: Em.

Natty Bumpercar: Emmy, Ollie's talking to you. If you don't want to talk to me, you want to talk to Ollie?

Unknown: Em.

Natty Bumpercar: Em. Okay. Emmy's going to go. Hold on. I got to, you guys are very difficult to hold on to. Here, give me the headphones. All right. Well, so that was the kids. They really didn't last very long. They were pretty excited about Christmas. They were pretty excited about podcasts. And then, oh, they're not. They're abstaining from their excitement for the podcast. So, that's how that works out. Oh, never work with children or animals. Except do, because it's nice. Uh, so, yeah, there's a lot of excitement here around headquarters. And, um, we have the, the tree is up. It's all decorated. The house is decorated. There's lights outside. There's, uh, bubbles and bits and bunions and doodads all over the place. Elfie the Snow Monster, this is his last night in the house. It's very depressing. It's very depressing. He's had quite the run this year. Elfie the Snow Monster, that's right. And, um, yeah, man. Whew. What an exhausting, what, it's the most fun time of the year, but it's also the most exhausting time of the year, because there's so much to do. There's so much you want to go to, like, there's, there's little parties. There's Christmas parties. There's, there's, uh, Hanukkah parties. We went to one. There's, I mean, there's so much going on. And, um, uh, and then there's a lot of, uh, there's a lot of work, because it seems like what happens with work is everyone kind of waits. I don't know, maybe after, like, they're like, oh, man, it's Thanksgiving. I'm just going to hang out and wait. And then Thanksgiving happens, and then they're like, oh, man, I'm going to hold out and wait for another week or so. And then, boom, out of nowhere, they're like, here's all the work in the world. You do it. And you're like, I don't want to do all the work in the world. And you're like, you're going to do all the work in the world. And then you're tired. I'm always tired, though. You know what I want in, uh, I want to do in my stocking. I want some, uh, vitamin B12. That's what I want. I think it's going to be a perfect present. Hey, Ollie, am I going to get anything in my stocking? What am I going to get in my stocking? Um, he's so far away from the microphone, so you're not going to hear him. Um, a telescope in my stocking? That sounds like the best I think ever. So I can see, wait, is that what telescopes are? They show you where stars are? What else show you? Um, where mountains are? Where mountains are? What about planets? Stars and planets and maybe even, I don't know, meteors and comets? Awesome. Can you, do you know the names of all the different reindeer? You know, Dasher and Dancer and Donner and Blitzen, Comet and Cupid and… Uh-oh. Donner and Blitzen. Oh, no! I got confused. But do you recall the most famous reindeer of them all? What's his name? That is his name! Which is kind of rough for the other reindeer, because they had this young Turk of a reindeer just show up on the scene and just because he has a red shiny nose, all of a sudden he's everybody's favorite. How do you think Donner feels about that? How do you think Blitzen feels about that? Do you think they like him? I do too. I think everybody probably loves him. Everybody loves Rudolph, because he, you know, he brings a little something to the table. A little something extra. A little something red, if you will. Uh, we were watching a Christmas special this morning and I can't remember, it was Winnie the Pooh, but here's what happens. Guess what happens? Santa loses his toy sack. It happens all the time. Paw Patrol. Santa's lost his sack. This sack gone. Every, every cartoon I feel like that I see where Christmas is in danger of not happening. It's all because Santa has misplaced his sack. Uh, and so that's where we bring up our first sponsor, ladies and gentlemen. Uh, it's, what is all this? I'm getting all kinds of messages. Buzz, buzz, buzz, boom. Uh, Sack Finder. Uh, you just put this, uh, this Bluetooth device onto your Christmas sack and then you can track it from this app in your phone. So if you are constantly losing your bag, please use Sack Finder. Okay, so that's our first sponsor we've ever had. It's very exciting. We're gonna start paying for things. It's not true. None of it's true. But yeah, I, uh, I was like, oh, this is the running through line in all of the, uh, the Santa stories. It's that he loses the magic bag. The magic bag that has all the toys in it so he can't then deliver them to all the girls and boys. Santa, keep track of the, like, maybe it should be in a case where you just open it Christmas Eve. Sir, what do you need? Somebody's saying something to me. I think someone's lost or trapped. I'm over here, buddy. You can come to me and I'll, I'll be, I'll be done in just a second, I swear. Uh, anyway, from all of us here in headquarters to all of you, merriest of Merry Christmases. Yeah, Merry Christmas. Uh, Merry Christmas to all of you. Merry

Unknown: Christmas, everybody. Enjoy your Christmas.

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Bumperpodcast #279 – Late night stores

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Bumpercar is excited about Christmas, and stores being open late. He also hatches a plan to deal with adulting!

Did you like adulting? Let us know by sending an email to bumperpodcast@nattybumpercar.com.

The Bumperpodcast is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp around Headquarters, in Coffee-Can Alley, with Natty Bumpercar and his entire gaggle of pals! 

Full Transcript

Natty Bumpercar: there is so much excitement here at headquarters right now because christmas is so close i don't know how you feel about christmas but i love christmas and christmas is fun and i went to a mall last night at like 10 o'clock at night and just walked around i didn't buy anything i didn't have really much of an intention to buying anything i just wanted to walk around in a mall at 10 o'clock and look at people look at all these people what are you guys doing here it's it's late it's late night we're walking around a mall there are people eating pretzels at 10 o'clock at night they were pretending like it was just normal time to be there is people eating fried chicken at the mall at 10 o'clock at night and i was like what are you doing to yourself right now dude why would you even why would you even do that to yourself that's a terrible idea fried chicken at 10 o'clock is no man's land that's doing bad things to you your body doesn't it might say it appreciates it but it doesn't appreciate it and you're gonna have crazy fried chicken dreams which in hindsight now that i've said it out loud sounds like it might actually be a fun thing so maybe i'm in the wrong i don't like to say it but i i think i might be wrong here uh tonight midnight i'm having some fried chicken so strap in let's see where we go no i can't i did have i will admit i had a uh what was it mango black tea lemonade oh hi how are you i'm a fancy bumper car i'm gonna have some of this mango black tea uh lemonade oh thank you i know no sugar it's already sweet enough for me thank you i'm finally a guy thank you very much uh but even that was a little too much for me i kind of i think it kept me awake a bit uh says and i walked around and i walked into a few stores and i even i tried a couple of things on uh and uh i don't know i just don't feel like they make clothes for me anymore what does that mean you wear pants you wear shirts i do but i don't know i don't know i mean i like the stuff i have yeah but the stuff you have is falling off of you it's literally rotting off of you that's true i a lot of my clothes are frayed and have holes in them uh but it's it's it's not because i don't love them it's because i do love them some would say i love my clothes too much um so much so that they're irreplaceable i go to the mall and i'm essentially looking for the same thing that i'm wearing to be on the rack and to be roughly seven dollars and it's not there it doesn't exist oh look at this this store this entire store is 60 off that's great wait the pants are still 45 how much were they before i can't do the math but that just seems like they were too expensive i feel like i'm ranting how many stores did i go i went to one two i went like six stores right and i now that i i know this but i forget it sometimes but i think all these stores are owned by the same company and so they're all derivations on the same clothes but just maybe made a little bit cheaper like oh this one's made of thread that will actually dissolve as you wear it oh that's fun no it's not because then your pants fall off i don't want that well that's what you bought if you're buying these clothes that is the experience that you have bought we call that experience naked in a mall well that sounds terrible and i will not have it i will not have it off and i hated being paid for them i was trying to buy that day when i was 5 the within 25 days uh as we were walking i had one of those wallets and was really shocked excited like peppered in the lover and they had this other People the thing I had just media ᵃ ᵃ ᵗᵗᵒᵒᵚᵗ Spígena here but I took it off and it's precisely not camera the thing on the noodles I'm not with me You should have told me if you weren't listening over and over again and what do anybody wants I'll give you a hand but I definitely made it all smushed and crumbly, and I was just like, your presentation is not where it needs to be, my friend. I'm, I'm eating with my eyes right now, and my eyes are saying I am not hungry for that, that garbage. Sorry, you know, but you need to take that back to the drawing board and try again if you want this man to try your macaroons. I did not try a macaroon. I, um, I did, I had other plans. I had big plans last night. I was gonna go to, uh, I was gonna go to the mall, and then I was gonna go to, uh, another, whatever, Target, and then I was gonna go to Toys R Us, because I looked it on the website on all these places. Uh, the mall was open till 12. Uh, Target was open till, I think, 12 also. Toys R Us was open until 2 a.m. Now, that's the only reason that I wanted to go there. Uh, when I was in college, that was right around the time that Walmart decided that they would be 24 hours, and I don't know if they all are still, or I don't know. Uh, but it was just this fascination with going to this place in the middle of the night and seeing who was there, and you would see, it's, it was like, um, and this isn't knocking anyone, because people have different schedules. They, you know, whatever. Okay, fine, it's a little bit knocking, but it was like the mole creatures had come out of the ground, out of their, out of their caves, out of their, their hovels, and, and their eyes were kind of, uh, you know, gray. They looked very good. gray i feel like people who shop in the middle of the night are a little bit gray uh and then their eyes were kind of sunken like they're not getting enough vitamin d not not getting enough light and i worry about these people but i also want to go walk around the store and and see who they are that's it don't want to talk to them don't want to meet them that's too much that's too much human contact i can't deal with that i want to be in my bubble here you be in your bubble over there that's not that's not real i like to meet people i like um when i go to stores i like to uh hey you know like that but not not too much because if you do hate too much of that guy then you're terrible but just a little bit of uh like a little comment like i like what was it the other day i was in the city and there was this woman and she had a baby carriage and it got stuck in the snow with the baby in it on the street and i was like hey you want help with that you know a lot people are just gonna walk by and be like good luck baby good luck you baby see you see you never if you don't make it across that street this is you're done uh but i walked out i was just like can i help you with that and she was like yes thank you so i grabbed the front of the carriage lifted it up got it out of the slush and i said do you need help the rest of the way and she's like no thank you so much i think i've got it from here and i was like all right i did something good later that night i was at a cvs had to run in and grab something there was a an older woman coming out pushing a cart that had probably 15 things of seltzer like a 12 pack a lot of seltzer she was very thirsty and um there was no handicap uh ramp to get off of the of the sidewalk and so she's standing there and she's like trying she's thinking about i can see she's kind of pushing it thinking pulling back thinking going forward and so i was just like hey did you want to did you want to get the cart off the the sidewalk and she's like well i'd like that very much and i was like well here let me help you out so twice in a day i grabbed the cart put it on this on the street and she went off to her car uh twice in a day i was able to help people and really this time of year you know what it's all about it's about being nice to people it's about helping people because right now is when people are the most stressed ever people are freaked out not because you mean there's the world is freaking them out the politics can freak them out uh family dynamics can freak them out uh they got to travel they're they're dealing with work and there's time off and you're at the office and everyone piles everything on you at the end of the year because they're all taking their vacation days oh but i was supposed to take vacation days too too bad you're a little man on the totem pole ah this world is crazy that's what people are going through so what do you do you fight find a way to be nice to them you find a way to uh if you see somebody struggling you lend a helping hand right right that's what you do that's the best move and not just this time of year but all times of the year you see a guy holding a kid and he's got a drink and there's another drink on the counter at mcdonald's and maybe his tray he'd be like buddy you need help getting this to your seat he's gonna you know what he's gonna be he's gonna look at you like you're trying to take his food but then he's gonna be like i can help i can get you and he's gonna be like man thanks i appreciate that or he's gonna say don't touch my food and you're gonna be like cool bro you got it run a good luck i'm gonna guess i'm gonna watch this i'm gonna watch you do this like you're in cirque de soleil um because sometimes people don't like to be helped i was actually talking to somebody about that the other day uh when you get older you get into this weird situation uh where you're people don't talk to each other people don't uh and it's not just a lack of communication but people don't share experiences and it's because people are nervous and scared that uh they're gonna look worse for the situations that they're in or the different variables in their life right but the thing is we've all got variables in our life we've all got uh thing burdens or whatever uh things that we're dealing with and so i was i was talking to a friend and i was talking to this person i was like man wouldn't it be nice if there was like a a clearing house like a no judgment clearing house where you go and you have a group of people uh and you can just talk it out without people being like oh well that guy really is blowing it huh uh and they were like you mean like friends and i was like oh that sounds like friends yes it would be so nice to have friends um but the thing is it's it's you get older and you know you're you're so caught up in everything and running from here to there and trying to do the best just to survive you're running to work oh you got to get the kids ready to school you got oh we got to get their lunches oh he's got to have his school book back in today oh don't forget that one's got funny hat day today does he have uh school lunch today i'm not sure what did they eat for breakfast well this one had some yogurt he refused to eat is that one even wearing shoes oh i forgot shoes how did i manage to forget shoes oh they didn't brush your teeth oh they didn't comb their hair oh this one forgot to do his homework like there's so much going on that it's you can't point the blame at anyone and be like well you guys could figure this out easier if you just crowdsourced and put your heads together and shared your experiences because that that's just too simple right it's just too simple i guess i don't know

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Bumperpodcast #278 – Christmas Tree

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Pig sings a Christmas song, Bumpercar complains, and then a magical story is shared!

Did you like magic? Let us know by sending an email to bumperpodcast@nattybumpercar.com.

The Bumperpodcast is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp around Headquarters, in Coffee-Can Alley, with Natty Bumpercar and his entire gaggle of pals! 

And now, we’re featured on the http://www.laughable.com/ app. Go get it (laughable.com/download)!

 

Full Transcript

Aloysious J. Pig: hello christmas tree hello christmas tree your lights are really glowing hello christmas tree hello christmas tree your ornaments are showing the presents and the stockings too i really want to repent to you oh christmas tree oh hey hey bumper car how are you

Natty Bumpercar: doing i'm doing doing anyway huh wow i'm doing great i i liked i heard your song i was over in the corner listening and uh it's pretty creepy huh no not creepy at all come on all right if

Aloysious J. Pig: you say so i suppose anyway yeah i made up a nice song it's my little holiday songs christmas song whatever song i'm singing to the uh i was singing it to the christmas tree so it's nice you know i was trying to turn over a new leaf for me a pig and i was trying to be nice to the christmas tree instead of just knocking it over which is what i normally do you know huh yeah uh so that's super awesome

Natty Bumpercar: and i appreciate that you're trying to take a new tact with the christmas tree this year because it it's brutal having a tree here um this year was especially crazy because we uh we went to one store no and the christmas trees they were all like four feet tall they were tiny and they were trying to tell me that they were between six and seven feet and i was i'm six feet and so i was looking at the tree and i was just like am i a giant did i grow and my my wife is like oh this one it's fine and i was like it's tiny we can't have tiny tree what are you doing and the prices were more and more and more and more and more expensive too so we had to pack the kids back up which when you tell your kids that they're going to get a christmas tree and then you don't get said christmas tree because the store has tiny christmas trees and they're more expensive the kids don't understand any of that stuff and so what do the kids do they freak out what do you mean we're not getting christmas tree we were supposed to get a christmas tree we want a christmas tree like that it's it's bananas it's bedlam so the car we go back to the other place there's three places that we can potentially go there's probably a hundred but really there's three because i can't keep going after that i don't have it in me so we went to place number two last year place number two man you know we get nice pictures of the kids walking around the christmas trees it's nighttime there's little lights it's this beautiful it was kind of during the day there weren't a lot of trees because the kid was like there was just a really big rush sorry there's not a lot left a big rush all right well show me what you got show me show me what you got there's what is there's like a few kinds of christmas trees there's douglas fir there's ball balsam or something i don't know and there's see i don't know the names of the christmas trees oh man hold on what are the kinds of clouds cumulonimbus serious i don't know all the names of the clouds what's happened to my brain what are the names of the different kinds of rocks ah stalactite no i don't know anything oh no i can't remember things rain where did you go so all right anyway we get a specific kind of tree i don't know what kind it's called but i know it when i see it right and uh so we go we go to one tree and the kid's right on us too he's quote unquote helping us but he's right on us it was just like right when you walk into a store and you see a shirt you like or something and you walk over and you're just like oh look at that shirt do you want it do you want that shirt and he's like taking it out and like draping it over you you're like i no i don't know i just met this shirt all right i have no idea okay okay well and then he does this thing where he picks it up and he knocks it on the ground so that it's supposed to make it look better boom and then all the fronds and then he's like oh my god i don't know bro i don't just relax i just walk i just walk in i'm trying to make this an experience all right i'm trying to get in here walk around a bit with my sweet family look at some trees you know debate which kind we like better whatever learn the different types of this is why i don't know the types of trees because you go in and they kick you right out now i know all right the rocks and the clouds i can't explain that as much anyway last year we got a tree right it's like 40 bucks we'll say i don't really know it's kind of pricey and uh at the end they managed they managed to upsell me because i was in such a tizzy because the kids are so crazy do you want your christmas tree package and i was like yeah okay i don't know what is that and they told me they don't even know what it was like a bag and some stuff you put in the water and something i don't remember what else it was 15 what your tree has now gone up exponentially the price of it frustration but you're at that car already your family's there you've and you've already said yes to this thing and you're just like oh well now i'm stuck so this year i was i went in knowing when 10 that was weird how i said that i went in knowing that uh i was not going to be taken in such a way i was not going to be taken by the christmas tree guys so i waited for the christmas tree package thing to happen and i was like no no i'm good and then the guy goes to ring me up and uh it was i think 10 bucks more than price quoted and i was like what what happened and he's like oh yeah well you got the end lopped off and you got it uh you got it wrapped up and i was like what in my head i didn't know because i'm at a christmas tree place you can't really yell at a christmas tree place but i was like what those are things that you just do those are part of the service like if i'm at a restaurant and and i and i'm sitting there and what would you like some water i just had a glass of water all right that'll be 18 for a glass of water or or even better oh you you what's this extra charge you're seven dollars well you used the napkin that was on the table but the napkin was there the napkin is something that you use you lop off and you put it in the the stuff the net if you're they didn't even they would have charged me to put it on my car or something or i mean i would have figured it out but like you gotta tell a guy christmas is expensive there's expenses everywhere you can't just go adding stuff in terrible so and then i had to tip the kid because he's like you guys like yeah i'm from shader cove and he was like oh yeah i'm too and then i was i was gonna tip him anyway but i felt obligated because then he knows my town he knows me he knows where i live uh yeah

Aloysious J. Pig: bubba car crazy uh i just think it's pretty amazing that i was sitting here by myself singing a nice song about the christmas tree and uh hello christmas tree and then all of a sudden you burst in with all your vim and vigor and start yelling about christmas tree buying and uh ruining my holiday my day here i was gonna i had a beautiful story about snowflakes i was gonna talk about penguins probably i was gonna talk about uh hot chocolate like regular chocolate chocolate versus white hot chocolate i don't know if you've even experienced that but they'll put marshmallows in it sometimes and your mind is just like blown what did i just drink is this sugar milk because it's delicious i'll be having two more cups of the sugar milk please especially if you got snowflake shaped marshmallows boom give it to me give it to me now give it to me give it to me wow give it to me give it to me uh-uh give it to me one time who said what oh sorry i don't know i'm just liking this thing song today i ain't complaining like you right well fine yeah i understand yeah i got oh yeah no no no okay tell the story tell that story that's a good story all right that's a crazy story do it do it do it so uh last night we're

Natty Bumpercar: dinner and we're eating uh the kids are eating pizza bagels like mini pizza bagels uh one's got cheese on it one's got pepperoni on it and then uh ollie had uh little uh broccoli florets florets and uh some ranch dip to dip those in dip dip and uh i don't know applesauce or something anyway so i was helping to feed him and he's cramming the pizza bagels in in in in in in and then uh he was taking care of that so it's really my job to handle the broccoli because he's not gonna put he's not gonna eat that by himself he ain't gonna do it so i thought he had sufficiently uh eaten his pizza bagel but i guess he still had some in there and so i dipped a broccoli floret into some ranch dressing and uh i kind of popped into his mouth pop and knowing full well that maybe it was a little bit too big of a broccoli floret it wasn't huge i'm not gonna it wasn't enormous ginormous but it was maybe just a little too big and so chewing and uh and my wife goes ollie you okay and he's just looking at her she's like just keep chewing and he chews and he chews and uh then like oh we're gonna say 20 seconds later he gets this look at his face and she's like do you need to are you gonna throw up and he just kind of nods his head and then he leans over his plate and just kind of spits out the broccoli oh crisis averted everything is okay right no because then everything that he had just eaten oh onto the plate it was horrifying to see emerson lost his mind ran out of the room screaming right without even taking a break with his right hand oliver reaches around to the other side of the plate and this is a small plate people to the pizza bagel that was still intact that he had not lost yet and he grabs it and goes to pick it up and goes to start eating it he wasn't even done throwing up i don't have that kind of determination this kid's got some power people

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Bumperpodcast 242 – Wrangling Christmas kittens

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Bumpercar tries to wrangle kittens in this long awaited return to form … And – you get a whole extra minute and twenty-seven seconds (or something like that) – but – who’s counting, anyways?!

Are you counting? Let us know by sending an email to bumperpodcast@nattybumpercar.com.

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