Natty Bumpercar is stranded by the railroad tracks with his computer – just waiting for the choo-choo to come rolling around the bend.
Then we talk about cheese and flowers and other pertinent stuff … Yes, we do!Do you ever talk about pertinent stuff? Let us know by sending an email to bumperpodcast@nattybumpercar.com – and then we can all be relevant!
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Today – I had everything in the works to start my new year off right. I dropped baby-style off early at daycare and went straight to the Y to get down with some swim-time. Some serious swim-time.
First I had to deal with not having my Y card. I had hidden my wallet in the car – because I didn’t have a lock – but – they were nice and said that I could get a new card next time.
I went down and down and down into the locker room and changed into my trunks (my swim trunks) and proceeded to take the obligatory shower that you have to take before being allowed to get into the pool. The shower made me freezing – all kinds of freezing. I scooted on tip-toes to the pool to find that it was full. Then – still freezing on my tip-toes – I found another – less full – pool!
I went in to survey the land.
Then – right as I was about to get in – the lifeguard yelled “Swim-Cap.” I did the look around – then point to my chest – “Me?” thing that people tend to do when random proclamations are blurted out in the world. He continued with “You have to have a swim-cap to get into the pool. You can buy one upstairs.”
I then went and dried off . . . changed . . . and went home.
Once home – I made 3 strips of glorious bacon, some scrambled eggs with cheese and diced sauteed onion and a big piece of toasted sourdough bread with a little butter and jam.
It wasn’t the way that I planned to start the day – but – it seemed to work out fine for me.
I apologize for the poem . . . But, these are harsh times that we are living in. Yesterday, I was beaten soundly by a sandwich that boasts that there is “So much chicken that there wasn’t room for a bun.” A “sandwich” that consists of a crunchy chicken breast with two pieces of bacon, two (not quite at all) melted slices of Monterey Jack and pepper jack cheese, a dab of Colonel’s Sauce and then capped off (somewhat inexplicably) with another crunchy chicken breast.
I am, of course, ranting about the new KFC Double-Down. An unsightly, unseemly mess of calories (540) and salt (1380mg) and almost impossible to eat pile of whatnot and hootenanny. I need to impress fully onto you that there is no bread. There is no bun. There isn’t a place to get a hand-hold on this monstrosity. But, it wasn’t even fun to eat with my hands – like in a “I’m playing with my food” Medieval Times kind of way – – – and as a side note – – – – the only way that it was even remotely similar at all to the great castle feast was that instead of wenches – – – there were retches – from the Double-Down – get it? Ugh . . . See what I kind of tried to do there?
I am miserable.
I like – no – LOVE fast food . . . and I expect it to be terrible for me and edible. I expect it to go through focus groups that chisel ideas of granite into stone sculptures of scrumptious delight . . . The volcano taco is a splendid example of – a perfect union between concept and execution . . . the shell is red!! But, when I picked up my Double-Down, I didn’t love it. It removed all of my giddy and instead – made me feel gross. I was only able to tackle 5 bites. I could go no further.
I need you to know – that I hate to waste food . . . and so, on the way home, I threw my remaining food-stuff at a bear that was sitting on a park bench. At least, I think it was a bear. All I know is that he ate it – but I don’t really think that this event tempers my review at all, because – bears will eat anything. Especially in these tough times. Right?!
The “Colonel’s Sauce” . . . ever heard of it? I hadn’t. Sooooo, I wasn’t so sure what kind of a treat that I was in for. Well . . . As soon as I tasted it, a lightbulb went off in my head. I had tasted this taste before . . . many years ago – maybe? It had a tang – it looked a little like thousand island dressing . . . but where? And then it hit me that I was eating Zaxby’s sauce. The Colonel had evidently slipped past security at le headquarters de la Zaxby’s and swiped the secret sauce recipe. Hmmmmmmmm.
Maybe I should take a moment to digress from my review of the Double-Down to let you know that I am not a fan of fast food convergence. I understand that burger places have burgers and chicken places have chicken – – – but – – – I need some sort of line in the sand that I can use to figure out what is what in the quick gastronomic world. I’ve got my eye right on you Burger King – with your new Sausage Egg McMuffin rip-off . . . and you McDonald’s with your Chick-fil-a wannabe Southern Style Chicken sandwich. Del Taco – why do you have burgers on your menu? Sonic . . . I’m not even going to get me started on your mish-mash menu. Let’s keep it simple out there – my brain can’t take it.
The commercial on the KFC website screams that I shouldn’t “just feed your hunger” and that I should in fact “CRUSH IT!”
Well Colonel . . . mission accomplished. Not only has my hunger been crushed, but, so has my will to eat anything . . . ever – ever again.
The saddest part is that I was really starting to get a hankering for Taco Bell’s new Tortada – another “un”sandwich missile in the continuing onslaught against the good and simple hoagies in the world. But, now that I have lived in the unhungry side of KFC . . . I’m just not so sure that I will be able to cross the border.
Harumph.
Recently – in the mail – I received an invitation to a very special event. It was to be an exclusive black tie affair . . . A black tie taco affair that is. And as all of you may as well know – most marketing campaigns for gimmick products are usually – specifically built with the sole intention of getting my hard earned cash. Pepsi Clear? Yeah, I did that. All 500 Dorito varietals? Yep, I’ve eaten them. The Baconator at Wendy’s? I think we both know that the answer is that I definitely ate one – maybe two – and can now move on with the review.
So – where was I? Ah yes – A black taco?! How could I possibly resist? I already knew that the Volcano taco was one of the better inventions of this young century . . . So why wouldn’t it’s darker – classier taco cousin see the taste pot – and then push all of it’s (tortilla) chips into the center of the table – just to see what kind of cards I was sitting behind?
Are you with me? Am I making sense? When I first saw the commercial for the Black Jack taco – I knew that it would be mine – and then within 14 hours – it was. A quick aside. All that I got from the commercial was that I should have been dressy and that the shell of the taco was black . . . that was it. I was going in with an open mind.
So – what did I think? Well – the shell looked great. It was as black as midnight and was filled with the traditional Taco Bell fillings of ground beef (perhaps it was spicy ground beef), lettuce and cheese. But it differed in a couple of ways. The cheese was white and it also had some sort of white sauce in it- which I guessed would be a ranch sauce. Black and white. This taco was a dichotomy. I was about to eat the Yin and the Yang of taco treats!
Then I took a bite – and my impress turned to distress. This was no ranch sauce . . . It was a pepper jack sauce and the cheese was also pepper jack. It was right there in the name – and I hadn’t given it any thought. I had just found out that I had no idea what I was eating. Then other questions started to sprout up – like why was I eating it – in a tuxedo – and where was I anyway!?
My mind had been blown – in a crummy way. The tastes were all wonky. The pepper jack sauce overpowered everything and made it taste ucky. I didn’t want a cream sauce on my processed spicy ground beef. I just didn’t. Although – I did tip my hat to the whole name thing – and it being tied in with the cheese . . . I was more of the opinion that they should have stuck with the pepper jack cheese – and if they absolutely had to have a white sauce – then drop some white queso dip on there . . . I would have bought stock in the company, filled out an application and married Socks the dog to the kings least appealing schnauzer for the betterment of the state – if that would have happened.
However – it didn’t happen. So – I got rid of the rest of my failure of a Black Jack taco and mauled the Volcano taco that I had waiting in the wings. While eating my Volcano – I patted myself on the back (after vigorously cleaning my hands – so as to not get grease on my monkey suit) – at my prescience at saving the good taco for second . . . Thereby saving what could have been a disaster of a lunch. Yay me.
Before eating . . . I did force the Volcano to lay on a crumpled wrapper of ill repute with my Black Jack taco . . . It was like good taco cop/bad taco cop. But then it got me thinking that it could be called the University of Georgia taco combo (their colors are red & black) – or the Falcon’s taco combo (their colors might also be red & black – maybe). My people (Socks) have assured me that we are talking to their to make this a reality . . . and if it happens – then . . . trucks . . . of . . . money . . . will . . . be . . . at . . . my . . . door. What?!
If you feel like the dog of this review doesn’t hunt . . . Or are just itching to find out for yourself – then you will be thrilled to know that tomorrow – Halloween – October 31st between 6 pm and midnight (which is the witching hour for tacos) – you can put on your tuxedo (or bell of the ball gown) and saunter in to your local Taco Bell and get a Black Jack taco for free. If you do partake in this I do recommend having some sort of backup plan in place . . . or – maybe – see if you can get it without the crummy sauce . . . I think that may be what I’m doing . . . Let’s start a sauce revolution!
Whaddaya say?!