Oh Colonel! my Colonel! our fearful trip is done;
I’ve looked into the face of fear and death, and fear and death have won.
You hooked me with your full-court press, your hard nosed marketing blitz.
I wish I could have turned and run . . . I wish. I wish. I wish.


I apologize for the poem . . . But, these are harsh times that we are living in. Yesterday, I was beaten soundly by a sandwich that boasts that there is “So much chicken that there wasn’t room for a bun.” A “sandwich” that consists of a crunchy chicken breast with two pieces of bacon, two (not quite at all) melted slices of Monterey Jack and pepper jack cheese, a dab of Colonel’s Sauce and then capped off (somewhat inexplicably) with another crunchy chicken breast.

I am, of course, ranting about the new KFC Double-Down. An unsightly, unseemly mess of calories (540) and salt (1380mg) and almost impossible to eat pile of whatnot and hootenanny. I need to impress fully onto you that there is no bread. There is no bun. There isn’t a place to get a hand-hold on this monstrosity. But, it wasn’t even fun to eat with my hands – like in a “I’m playing with my food” Medieval Times kind of way – – – and as a side note – – – – the only way that it was even remotely similar at all to the great castle feast was that instead of wenches – – – there were retches – from the Double-Down – get it? Ugh . . . See what I kind of tried to do there?

I am miserable.

I like – no – LOVE fast food . . . and I expect it to be terrible for me and edible. I expect it to go through focus groups that chisel ideas of granite into stone sculptures of scrumptious delight . . . The volcano taco is a splendid example of – a perfect union between concept and execution . . . the shell is red!! But, when I picked up my Double-Down, I didn’t love it. It removed all of my giddy and instead – made me feel gross. I was only able to tackle 5 bites. I could go no further.

I need you to know – that I hate to waste food . . . and so, on the way home, I threw my remaining food-stuff at a bear that was sitting on a park bench. At least, I think it was a bear. All I know is that he ate it – but I don’t really think that this event tempers my review at all, because – bears will eat anything. Especially in these tough times. Right?!

The “Colonel’s Sauce” . . . ever heard of it? I hadn’t. Sooooo, I wasn’t so sure what kind of a treat that I was in for. Well . . . As soon as I tasted it, a lightbulb went off in my head. I had tasted this taste before . . . many years ago – maybe? It had a tang – it looked a little like thousand island dressing . . . but where? And then it hit me that I was eating Zaxby’s sauce. The Colonel had evidently slipped past security at le headquarters de la Zaxby’s and swiped the secret sauce recipe. Hmmmmmmmm.

Maybe I should take a moment to digress from my review of the Double-Down to let you know that I am not a fan of fast food convergence. I understand that burger places have burgers and chicken places have chicken – – – but – – – I need some sort of line in the sand that I can use to figure out what is what in the quick gastronomic world. I’ve got my eye right on you Burger King – with your new Sausage Egg McMuffin rip-off . . . and you McDonald’s with your Chick-fil-a wannabe Southern Style Chicken sandwich. Del Taco – why do you have burgers on your menu? Sonic . . . I’m not even going to get me started on your mish-mash menu. Let’s keep it simple out there – my brain can’t take it.

Back to the Double-Down. When I managed to pick it up and take a bite, the first thing that I noticed was that there was just way too much. The second thing that I noticed was how unpleasant all of the grease and unmelted cheese and uncooked crummy fast food bacon were, and also, how overpowering the abundantly slathered Colonel’s sauce was. Then it all started to fall apart in my hands. The two napkins that I was given didn’t even last past the unwrapping of the food. There was simply no clarity of taste vision, just a Frankenstein’s monster of a meal – created in a lab and plomped onto my tray.

The commercial on the KFC website screams that I shouldn’t “just feed your hunger” and that I should in fact “CRUSH IT!”

Well Colonel . . . mission accomplished. Not only has my hunger been crushed, but, so has my will to eat anything . . . ever – ever again.

The saddest part is that I was really starting to get a hankering for Taco Bell’s new Tortada – another “un”sandwich missile in the continuing onslaught against the good and simple hoagies in the world. But, now that I have lived in the unhungry side of KFC . . . I’m just not so sure that I will be able to cross the border.

Harumph.

3 replies
  1. bumpercar
    bumpercar says:

    You should try it . . . everyone should try it.

    It's like a roller coaster – one of those things that you should do – even if you are scared – just for the experience!

    Bleh.

  2. Justin
    Justin says:

    Payin & buck for that doubledown that look so small. Yea, I try one last night and it so small, and it a rip-off!! I like the idea of having a bun on it and the price stay the same or less (with bun and stuff). bad design…

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